OP, you haven't ruined your own thread! You are sleep deprived and depressed, this shit can do funny things to a person, to put it mildly!
Right. If you are adamant you won't take ADs then you are going to have to make 2 promises to yourself. One is to eat properly and the other is to sit down with dp and come up with a sleep schedule. So looking at his rota highlight the places where he can mind dc and you can go to bed. Even if this is at some random time of day where you cant imagine you'll be able to sleep. I think you did he works shifts, I'm not sure what kind of job he does but even if its a very demanding one he will need to accept that he too is going to have to live on alot less sleep for the foreseeable future. (apologies if you've already said this is happening and I've forgotten)
Food wise, you must nourish yourself. I don't mean organic 3 course meals. You must eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and you must have cups of tea/water/squash throughout the day. Go shopping the next time you feel able, buy snack food, food you love, posh ready meals, ready sliced cheese, grazing food. Make eating something one of your ' aims' in each block of time. I relied on a glucose supplement with my pnd when my appetite disappeared, easy to prepare, just dissolve in cup of water and drink. At least you'll be getting stronger energy. Also if you can stomach those drinks called 'nurishment' get those, they are great for giving you what you need nutrition wise if you can't face eating properly.
Things are easier to deal with if your body is physically ok and sleep and food are paramount.
One other thing I find particularly powerful. Before I go to sleep I list out in my head the things in have achieved that day. And i mean it can be anything like ' washed up' 'ate breakfast'. Tell yourself why you feel it was an achievement, why are you happy you did that. This will focus you on the positives and make you feel empowered. Don't dwell on what you've not achieved, those things don't matter, they can go on the list for another day. I was given this technique at the behavioural therapy and thought what a load of twaddle but I make myself do it and it's made me realise that even in the midst of all the depression and unwanted thoughts I do achieve something, no matter how small. I then feel good about myself and that in turn has its own power.
Please please go to the gp and say you want to discuss ADs. They will have seen so many people who are worried about addiction and will lots of good advice for you, which you can ignore but atlesst you've made an informed decision.
I will say it again. You Will get better. One day at a time. There is enjoyment in life. The fact you are on here talking about it tells me you are going to get through this.
Keep posting (and don't drink the chicken drink 
) xxxx