Crying DD dragged across the floor by adult at dancing school

[EmmalinaC]

My daughters have attended a local dance school for several years and have been really happy there. DD2 (age 5) has just added half an hours tap class to her weekly ballet lesson. She went for the first time last week and really enjoyed it - and is super proud of her shiny new tap shoes!

On Wednesday she was taken to this class by our new au pair (who I am really comfortable with and who I don't think is at fault here). DD2 decided she didn't want to wear socks under her tap shoes. Au pair tried to get her to put them on, DD2 refused (she is quite stubborn). Au pair put them on/DD2 took them off - it escalated until DD2 was having a fairly major tantrum. At this point AP texted me at work to ask what she should do. I replied immediately to say either let her go to the class in bare feet or take her home. AP asked DD2 what she wanted to do - DD2 said go home. I then got a text from AP (whose English isn't great) saying 'it's ok - teacher has taken her'. I assumed this meant the dance teacher had calmly led her into the class.

This morning at school DD2's friend's mother said she needed to have a word with me. She was very upset. She then told me that the principle of the dance school's mother (who is not a dance teacher but helps with admin and costumes) had intervened and roughly dragged DD (who was sitting/lying on the floor crying) by one arm right across the floor of the changing before dumping her in the ballet studio and closing the door. There was a stunned silence in the changing room - several other mothers who were present (and to whom I have since spoken) said they were very shocked at DD2 being treated in this way - she was visibly distressed and it was probably painful. All felt guilty that they hadn't intervened. All have said that if they had witnessed their own child being treated in that way they would make a formal complaint.

I spoke to the dance school principle who didn't see what happened but said her mother had told her that my daughter was 'playing up'. When she realised I wasn't going to allow DD to be blamed for her mother's actions she became more serious and apologised and suggested we meet to discuss what happened. I have agreed to this and as I wasn't there myself will be taking another parent who was, and AP, as 'witnesses'.

I am so angry. If a teacher did this to a child there would be serious consequences. As far as I'm concerned this is no different.

So - AIBU to take this matter further? To think this is tantamount to assault? To demand this woman apologies to DD? To report as a child protection issue? To insist this woman never touches either of my children again? To withdraw DDs from the dance school altogether?

DD2 says she doesn't want to go back but DD1 (who is 8) attends musical theatre and modern classes there and loves it. It would be a shame if she had to stop too.

I am struggling to get any perspective on this at all. Maybe I am overreacting? How would you feel?

Just as some extra info, in case anyone thinks 5 is too old for this kind of tantrum... DD2 is a very anxious child. She needs routine and reassurance. This was the first time AP had taken her alone to the class: DD1 - on whom DD2 relies for moral support - was at gym club; I was working and DD2's best friend and her mother (with whom DD2 is really close) were absent. When DD2 gets anxious (like in this scenario) she picks something (like the tap shoes) and uses it as a way of venting her anxiety. What she needs is reassurance not manhandling by a complete stranger. I feel so sad for her that she doesn't ever want to go back to a class that she loved.

Sorry it's long but thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

I don't think it matters if 5 is too old for a tantrum or not, you DO NOT manhandle someone else's child unless there is imminent risk.

So she dragged an upset five year across a room by the arm and locked her in a dance studio? And the principle was happy to brush it off as "kids - what can do, eh?!" until you made it clear that you were blaming the adult?

I'd be questioning what kind of a dance school this place is. I would absolutely put in a formal complaint.

"what can you do"*

That's shocking. Is the teacher's mother CRB checked?

That's completely out of order if any adult had done this to my child id be reporting them to the authorities, whatever ones needed to ensure this woman never worked with children again!!

And five isn't too old for a tantrum either. Children have tantrums even in their teens, they just express it differently.

I was angry just reading the title, I don't think 5 is too old for this sort of tantrum, they are still young. I would be fuming if this was my daughter, definitely meet the teacher and take it from there yanbu to take it further, it is assault, I could not bear to think of another adult treating my DD like that.

I can understand why she does not want to return. If I were a parent thinking of enrolling my child at this dance class and heard this I would back away fast. This could damage their reputation, also, if other mothers were shocked at it also it's something that needs pursuing!

Good luck.

OP, I feel your conflict coming through and I am so sorry that this happened to your daughter, most especially in your absence. I would not accept my 5 yr old being chastised in this way, even if she was being disruptive to a far greater extent than you describe. That an adult in charge of children did so would be very alarming to me. You are entirely correct to have a meeting, with witnesses. In terms of outcome I am not sure what I would expect to happen, I think I would probably have to withdraw my children unless I received very serious assurances on the interaction adults who are not teachers have with the children - even then I am not sure I would be happy

I thought her best friend (and her mother) weren't there? . Who would your dd accept this reassurance from, and if all sources were absent why on earth did you send her if she has form for this?

Blooming heck - YANBU. Poor kid! How is your DD now?

No you're not overreacting at all OP. Even if DD was being the world's biggest pain in the ass, there is no excuse whatsoever for that kind of treatment from an adult. Absolutely disgraceful. I'm sure it was painful and shocking and very humiliating for her. Poor thing.

Take it further. Good call to ask for a meeting and to bring your witnesses with you. DD has said that she doesn't want to go back so that's that, but think about what you would like to get out of the meeting before you go in. I would suggest that at the very least, dance teacher's mother should be prepared to apologise profusely to you and to DD. DD needs to see this being taken seriously and to know that it is not ok for someone to treat her like this.

Good luck. Awful situation for you both.

I would be very cross indeed. You don't treat children that way. The only justification I could see for manhandling a child so roughly would be if they were in imminent danger themselves, or if they were hurting another child.

I can't imagine this is the first time that a child has ever been distressed or had a tantrum at this dance school, and the Principal's mother should have known how to deal with it. Maybe a firm, quiet, 'You need to calm down and put your socks on, and then you can come in and join your class' would have been appropriate, or saying to the AP, 'She's clearly upset, do you want to comfort her and bring her in when she's calmed down?'

You are right to complain this is absolutely not acceptable.

My 6 year old has been upset going into school this week, and instead of being dragged in, he has been taken in calmly and nicely by the teaching assistant.

If another adult did it to you its assault, so it's absolutely not on.

Kids have tantrums, that's normal, pulling a child by the arm, not acceptable!

Flogging, I don't think that you can blame the OP for this - of course she should try to send her to class. She clearly stated that the AP should take her home if distressed, and no one would expect her daughter to be treated like that even if 'she had form' for needing reassurance

I'd be taking DD2 out of this class and finding an alternative tap class.

At the meeting, I'd (try to) calmly listen to what everyone has to say, although I don't think there can be much doubt about what happened. I'd say that you consider this as assault and are considering a report to the police.

I'd also expect an explanation and apology from the Principle's mother. And assurances from the Principle that this won't be allowed to happen again.

It's a tricky one because you weren't there so don't exactly know what happened and how rough or not it was or wasn't. Nor whether what this other mum described ('shocked silence' for eg) was accurate or not.

So sorry did your au pair see it? How would she describe it?

What does your daughter say, how does she describe it?

Any marks on her?

Most kids in the middle of a tantrum (one of my 3 dds STILL has tantrums aged 11 so I ain't judging!) would be crying and 'distressed' no matter how they were dealt with.

It would be good to get more accounts of what happened. I include the dance teacher, your dd and other parents.

There are 2 separate and distinct issues; first the tantrum. I would speak to the au pair to decide together how she will deal with this in the future and think of ways to avoid escalation. 5 year olds can be stubborn about such things as socks and personally I would not pick this as a battle to have.

The second issue is the behaviour of the adult which was completely unacceptable. Are they regulated by OFSTED (probably not) or other regulatory body? I would certainly make a formal complaint and expect an investigation and at the very least an explanation of how this will be prevented in future.

Ok - thanks for all the replies. I will certainly take it further. The dance school has a Safeguarding Children Policy on their website and states that all teachers are CRB checked - whether or not this woman is included in that, I don't know.

floggingmolly - our AP has been with us for over a month, DD2 has been attending the dance school for two years and although her best friend wasn't there, other school friends were there with their mothers - I thought this would be enough. With hindsight, it wasn't.

I'll start at the end. Your DD is 5. I remember at that age storming out of a ballet class because the teacher asked me to repeat something (and I was the most docile, rule-abiding child ever!). My point is that I wouldn't obsess about your DD not wanting to return to a class that she loves. Opinions at that age can change like the wind and I think you have to be careful that you're not projecting on to her. After all, you didn't even know there was an issue until the other parent told you so your DD wasn't obviously upset by this when she came home.

Now, to the main point of your post, I always tread carefully when I'm relying on reports from others. It's not the same as witnessing it yourself. I've known adults to slide DCs across the floor as a game and it definitely hasn't hurt them. But if you feel sure that wasn't the case and that the trust is broken then you can't return your DCs to that class. I'd put a formal complaint in writing. I don't see what is to be gained by having a meeting and bringing witnesses.

With regard to AP - she did the right thing by texting me and was about to take DD2 home, as I suggested. When she told me about what happened she was also upset - she was at pains to tell me that she would never treat any child in this way (and I believe her). She is young and relatively inexperienced and didn't know what to do - the woman who intervened is in her 60s and as far as AP was concerned, was the responsible adult.

I'd be taking them both out of the dance school & hoping that the other mothers would as well!

So she was taken into the ballet studio and left there alone?

No one went to see how she was?

I'm not sure that I'd be keeping the AP on either.

Sue DD was very upset afterwards and was subdued all evening - but she often is after a tantrum. I assumed she was upset because she had had a tantrum in front of the au pair, who she adores.

Shocked. How dare an adult drag a child by one arm across the floor. Its assault. Different a police matter, child protection issue. Has thus wiman been crb checked. Is this ballet school registered by some body. This needs taking further. If this situation happens as you have been informed that lady should never be with children. However my only concern is its second hand story to you. Can you ask your ap and other mums to see if they agree to the story. I can imagine any adult dragging a child like that. You need further information before you act i think. Hope your dd is ok. You spoken to her (without putting ideas in her head) about it.

YANBU. It is assault. Police and/or ChildProtection team need to be notified.

Cant imagine an adult not can and please add the extra words in my message above. (So shocked i typed to fast)

It's a really difficult situation.

The correct response from the principle would be to remove her mother to back room admin duties only, but that might not be easy for her to do. Dance schools tend to be one teachers business and can not necessarily afford staff.

At our dance school it was parents and carers only in the changing rooms, except for exams, or show costume fittings when the teachers grown up DD and one of the mums helped.

I'm not sure why this woman has to be there every week.