Crying DD dragged across the floor by adult at dancing school

[EmmalinaC]

My daughters have attended a local dance school for several years and have been really happy there. DD2 (age 5) has just added half an hours tap class to her weekly ballet lesson. She went for the first time last week and really enjoyed it - and is super proud of her shiny new tap shoes!

On Wednesday she was taken to this class by our new au pair (who I am really comfortable with and who I don't think is at fault here). DD2 decided she didn't want to wear socks under her tap shoes. Au pair tried to get her to put them on, DD2 refused (she is quite stubborn). Au pair put them on/DD2 took them off - it escalated until DD2 was having a fairly major tantrum. At this point AP texted me at work to ask what she should do. I replied immediately to say either let her go to the class in bare feet or take her home. AP asked DD2 what she wanted to do - DD2 said go home. I then got a text from AP (whose English isn't great) saying 'it's ok - teacher has taken her'. I assumed this meant the dance teacher had calmly led her into the class.

This morning at school DD2's friend's mother said she needed to have a word with me. She was very upset. She then told me that the principle of the dance school's mother (who is not a dance teacher but helps with admin and costumes) had intervened and roughly dragged DD (who was sitting/lying on the floor crying) by one arm right across the floor of the changing before dumping her in the ballet studio and closing the door. There was a stunned silence in the changing room - several other mothers who were present (and to whom I have since spoken) said they were very shocked at DD2 being treated in this way - she was visibly distressed and it was probably painful. All felt guilty that they hadn't intervened. All have said that if they had witnessed their own child being treated in that way they would make a formal complaint.

I spoke to the dance school principle who didn't see what happened but said her mother had told her that my daughter was 'playing up'. When she realised I wasn't going to allow DD to be blamed for her mother's actions she became more serious and apologised and suggested we meet to discuss what happened. I have agreed to this and as I wasn't there myself will be taking another parent who was, and AP, as 'witnesses'.

I am so angry. If a teacher did this to a child there would be serious consequences. As far as I'm concerned this is no different.

So - AIBU to take this matter further? To think this is tantamount to assault? To demand this woman apologies to DD? To report as a child protection issue? To insist this woman never touches either of my children again? To withdraw DDs from the dance school altogether?

DD2 says she doesn't want to go back but DD1 (who is 8) attends musical theatre and modern classes there and loves it. It would be a shame if she had to stop too.

I am struggling to get any perspective on this at all. Maybe I am overreacting? How would you feel?

Just as some extra info, in case anyone thinks 5 is too old for this kind of tantrum... DD2 is a very anxious child. She needs routine and reassurance. This was the first time AP had taken her alone to the class: DD1 - on whom DD2 relies for moral support - was at gym club; I was working and DD2's best friend and her mother (with whom DD2 is really close) were absent. When DD2 gets anxious (like in this scenario) she picks something (like the tap shoes) and uses it as a way of venting her anxiety. What she needs is reassurance not manhandling by a complete stranger. I feel so sad for her that she doesn't ever want to go back to a class that she loved.

Sorry it's long but thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

Stargirl you don't know if it's assault.

I think it is common assault, if you're dragging a child across the floor by one arm. The defence would be "lawful correction or reasonable chastisement" for adults acting in loco parentis against charges of common assault, and I don't think the actions as described here could fall under that. www.cps.gov.uk/legal/l_to_o/offences_against_the_person/#correction It may be worth a call to 111 to get some advice.

This is an allegation of physical abuse.

You can raise a safeguarding alert with social services who will investigate it and decide what needs to happen to prevent anything like this happening again. The school will need to show that they take child protection seriously and have appropriately trained staff.

And by investigate, that could be as simple as a couple of phone calls to find out what actually happened and the whole thing is dealt with in a day or two, I don't mean that it would lead to formal charges of assault.

But it should be followed up; manhandling children isn't OK, if that is what happened.

I would have a meeting with with the people who were there to truly ascertain what happened.

If it is as the other mums said and she was dragged across the floor whilst distressed, I would report it as assault, without hesitation.

How would you feel if someone did this to you as an adult? You're upset, sitting on the floor and someone comes and drags you out of the way? The fact it is a child makes it even worse.

Maybe, best case scenario, the woman is of the old school of discipline-very hands on and thought (or didn't) she was behaving in an acceptable way. She wasn't.

As a teacher, if I behaved like this, quite rightly I would face serious consequences. This woman should, if she's not challenged it will be seen as an ok way to treat a child.

I hope you DD is ok.

I would be utterly furious. Call the Police.

I run a company that works with children and young people and there is no way any members of my staff would treat a child like this and if they did they would no longer be an employee (as an aside my DM also works for me)
I would certainly be making a formal complaint. To those of you saying about CRB's they no longer exist. The system is now DBS and people can be referred to the DBS for a barring and vetting assessment if they are disciplined at work due to malpractice - if upheld this would then bar them from working with children or adults depending on their disclosure (worryingly there is one for adults and a separate one for children)
My understanding is also that it's no longer a statutory requirement that anyone working with young people needs one although most places (mine included) will do them as part of safeguarding.
Your poor DD, kids have tantrums and a dance school should be a creative place of fun not a Dickensian throw back.
Is the school a member of any awarding body?

I agree with elephants it's common to have the teachers mother or another relative helping out in small dance schools as there isn't much profit to be paying staff with. However it is, IME, always as admin/music/money taking duties. NOT getting involved in changing room stuff.

I'd be doing what you currently are, OP, taking a witness and asking for the woman who handled your DD to be present too. Go in with a clear head and an open mind - just in case.

You are right to have some goal in mind for the outcome of the meeting. What that is exactly is up to you and how you feel about your DDs continuing to go the school while the teachers mother is still going to be on the premises. Thinking now, what would be your ideal outcome? Something as simple as an apollogy? To get the woman banned from being in the building with the children? Or an actual prosecution?

I agree with everyone who has said that you should take it further - even if it just means that they accept the accusation and apologise. Perhaps, as another poster suggested the 'assaulting mother' could be confined to admin only. You could suggest that.

Please, please. The Head of anywhere is a Principal not a Principle.

Why didn't your au pair tell you what happened that day?
Strange that it tool another mum to tell you?

Please report this. This happened to me at school when I was 7 and the headteacher dragged me across the hall in the middle of a whole school assembly because I was crying and couldn't stop and she said it was babyish. It still makes me cry now remembering the humiliation and lack of control I felt and I'm 30.

The poor little girl shouldn't have been being taken anywhere in any manner.
She was about to be taken home, no had asked for "help" to get her into the lesson!

Go to the meeting and hear what they have to say.
Do not make any decisions there. Go away and process all the information before you decide.
But for what it is worth I would be formally reporting. She assaulted a child . And there must be a risk she will do something more serious another time, even if she is supposed to be on desk duties.

I would want to know if the other mums are removing their children, sometimes things do become inflated the more they talk. I would not send my child somewhere that I had witnesses the manhandling of another child. I am not sure how you can carry on employment of your au pair, if the situation is so bad that you need further action how can you trust your au pair.

I would be calling the police

This is not acceptable, its assault. I would be taking it further, she could do that to another child. I would call 101 and ask for advice, and complain to the professional dance body, if anyone knows what its called and what number it is.

The teacher's mother sounds like someone who thinks that children who are upset are just being badly behaved and need a firmer hand, preferably as it dishes out a slap. She needs to be re-educated.

I would be asked the teacher to explain to me very clearly and in detail how she will be ensuring that this type of situation never arises again to any child in her care.

I would listen to the response, pick it apart if it seems unrealistic or unreasonable and, after that, I would decide whether to allow my children to continue to attend the dance school.

I would expect to hear that her mother will not be permitted to have contact with pupils again until she has received some formal behaviour management training, there is a certificate on the wall to prove it and she has apologised to your DD for assaulting her.

If these undertakings aren't made, you need to withdraw your DDs from the classes and tell other parents, presenting facts only, why you have made that decision.

Yes I totally agree Gold, but if dd2 does not want to go there, and Im not surprised really, op should find her another dance school.

www.cdet.org.uk/part-time-learning/recognised-schools

This is what a properly run school should look like.

The dance bodies seem to acredit the teacher but take no interest in how they run the schools - in my local school ballet was being taught by someone just taking their first RAD teaching qualification being 'overseen' by someone running a school 20 miles away. We have moved.

I am not sure there is any official oversight of dance schools. You will have to go to the meeting and see what they have to say, then find somewhere else if it is not satisfactory.

I can believe that anyone is talking about second chances tbh.
It was no business of the interfering mother as the AP was about to take OP's daughter home.
Pity she didn't speak up!

Oops!-can't believe!

If you truely believe this to be an assualt then call the police. You will also need a new au pair, a new dance school and some better friends because the idea that the person looking after your dd and a roomful of adults looked on and did nothing whilst your dd was assualted is beyond horrific.

Or, you might believe thaty this situation was poorly handled and that you do not want this person, or any other adult at the dance school to restrain/man handle your dd unless it is for her or another person's safety (breaking up a fight, for example).

If this second is the case then you need to decide what outcome you'd find acceptible and seek that. If it were me, I would be wanting an apology from the school and reassurance that it wouldn't happen again.

I think I would be seriously considering involving the police.

if dd2 does not want to go there, and Im not surprised really, op should find her another dance school.

Agreed, although she may change her mind about not wanting to return if she enjoys it otherwise and would have to go to a new one without the well established friendships she clearly has at this one.

OP, mistakes are made in all sorts of organisations every day. Was is important is how they respond to those mistakes. A good organisation will reflect on a mistake and make changes to prevent it happening again. I would be happier for my child to be taught in such an environment than one where shoulders are shrugged and problems swept under the carpet. You'll find out in your meeting which one of there applies to this dance school.

FWIW, I withdraw my own DD1 from a dance school with a very similar structure precisely because they made some mistakes and stonewalled me with I tried to discuss them. It was clear that they were never going to make any changes to ensure the well being of the children in the future.

I would be taking it further. I doubt she would treat an adult like that. I doubt she would have dared manhandle a five year old like that whose mother was there either.

I hope the meeting goes well. It might be upsetting for you.