Crying DD dragged across the floor by adult at dancing school

[EmmalinaC]

My daughters have attended a local dance school for several years and have been really happy there. DD2 (age 5) has just added half an hours tap class to her weekly ballet lesson. She went for the first time last week and really enjoyed it - and is super proud of her shiny new tap shoes!

On Wednesday she was taken to this class by our new au pair (who I am really comfortable with and who I don't think is at fault here). DD2 decided she didn't want to wear socks under her tap shoes. Au pair tried to get her to put them on, DD2 refused (she is quite stubborn). Au pair put them on/DD2 took them off - it escalated until DD2 was having a fairly major tantrum. At this point AP texted me at work to ask what she should do. I replied immediately to say either let her go to the class in bare feet or take her home. AP asked DD2 what she wanted to do - DD2 said go home. I then got a text from AP (whose English isn't great) saying 'it's ok - teacher has taken her'. I assumed this meant the dance teacher had calmly led her into the class.

This morning at school DD2's friend's mother said she needed to have a word with me. She was very upset. She then told me that the principle of the dance school's mother (who is not a dance teacher but helps with admin and costumes) had intervened and roughly dragged DD (who was sitting/lying on the floor crying) by one arm right across the floor of the changing before dumping her in the ballet studio and closing the door. There was a stunned silence in the changing room - several other mothers who were present (and to whom I have since spoken) said they were very shocked at DD2 being treated in this way - she was visibly distressed and it was probably painful. All felt guilty that they hadn't intervened. All have said that if they had witnessed their own child being treated in that way they would make a formal complaint.

I spoke to the dance school principle who didn't see what happened but said her mother had told her that my daughter was 'playing up'. When she realised I wasn't going to allow DD to be blamed for her mother's actions she became more serious and apologised and suggested we meet to discuss what happened. I have agreed to this and as I wasn't there myself will be taking another parent who was, and AP, as 'witnesses'.

I am so angry. If a teacher did this to a child there would be serious consequences. As far as I'm concerned this is no different.

So - AIBU to take this matter further? To think this is tantamount to assault? To demand this woman apologies to DD? To report as a child protection issue? To insist this woman never touches either of my children again? To withdraw DDs from the dance school altogether?

DD2 says she doesn't want to go back but DD1 (who is 8) attends musical theatre and modern classes there and loves it. It would be a shame if she had to stop too.

I am struggling to get any perspective on this at all. Maybe I am overreacting? How would you feel?

Just as some extra info, in case anyone thinks 5 is too old for this kind of tantrum... DD2 is a very anxious child. She needs routine and reassurance. This was the first time AP had taken her alone to the class: DD1 - on whom DD2 relies for moral support - was at gym club; I was working and DD2's best friend and her mother (with whom DD2 is really close) were absent. When DD2 gets anxious (like in this scenario) she picks something (like the tap shoes) and uses it as a way of venting her anxiety. What she needs is reassurance not manhandling by a complete stranger. I feel so sad for her that she doesn't ever want to go back to a class that she loved.

Sorry it's long but thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

Walton How on earth is this a witch hunt? This is an anonymous forum. I haven't posted it on FB. I have asked the people who were there to write down what they saw so that I can decide what action to take! AND arranged to meet with the woman in question so that she can offer her side of the story.

And if it transpires, on balance of evidence, that this woman did handle my daughter 'too harshly' then I couldn't give flying feck about her reputation!

Sandwitch That's really helpful - thank you. I will raise this with the dance school principal and possibly pm you when I've got some more info.

To drag a child across the floor is a pretty loose description . You can easily support the child whilst removing them .
In this scenario I too would have taken the child into the studio . The ap was failing and needed help.
I was not there. I may be wrong . But so may you all be .
I'm outta here now .
Good luck op with finding a satisfactory outcome for all .

Are you really happy to keep your au pair on, op? If you seriously think your dd was assaulted and your AP didn't even deem it worthy of mention? . (neither did your dd, which is very strange)...
A previous poster offered a possible explanation in that she may have seen the older woman as an "authority" figure whom she was reluctant to challenge.
Really, though? She's not a 12 year old; she's the supposedly responsible adult in charge of your child and she failed massively to protect your child if the scenario related to you is correct.
What other situations wouldn't she intervene in, and then hope you didn't find out about???

Right, my tuppence:

1. your child's "tantrum" is not the issue here (and if that's the worst you get as a tantrum, count yourself lucky. I've seen some doozies in my day.)
2. you need to be the calm, supportive loving parent with your child and find out whether she still wants to do dance class at all, just somewhere else, or no more dance classes at all, or stay at this school with the assurance that this lady will never, ever do that again and neither will anyone else. Let her decide, and give her that power. And if your daughter chooses to leave, get a full refund whatever the school's policy. This wouldn't be you just randomly cancelling, this is them creating an unsafe situation. But show your child you believe her.
3. you need to make a complaint, as otherwise you can guarantee it will happen again. I would be surprised that it hasn't happened before. OFSTED is the place to start, and record both the mother's actions and the principle's initial brush off as concerns.

You would really forcibly take a child into a voluntary activity she did not want to attend, Walton? Why?
the world was not going to end if she missed the class.
And lots of people will tell you the bst thing to do with a tantrum is to ignore it, so in that aspect the AP was not failing, but doing the right thing.
It was only a dance class.

Your allegations of a witch hunt are ridiculous. OP has not disclosed any identifying details. There must be thousands of dance studios across the country who teach tap to 5 year olds.

Well I said it further up the thread. I blame the au pair. A sensible mature person would have handled this properly and it wouldn't have escalated. Really the au pair was in charge of the child and failed to act. Surely if the incident was so seriously as to merit reporting to the police the au pair should have at least been very concerned indeed and informed the OP about it right away. And the other Mothers wouldn't they refuse to send their child to a place where they could be assaulted.

Is dd typically difficult at dance school ? Agree AP should have said there was an incident but was it clear dd was even with her let alone her fuss being dealt with ? There is no excuse for rough manhandling but bear in mind that may be what ap is used to experiencing in such circumstances or perhaps assumed it was the norm if other mothers didn't react . Safeguarding policy is your best route, get a LA CP officer involved if needs be, and be clear in your mind what outcome you hope to achieve. Does the mother have a chaperone licence for example as this could be revoked. Try not get dd to repeat details as you will make her more anxious and may prejudice the value of what she says.

Hang on, just want to clear this up regarding the au pair...

What's App conversation as follows:

AP: I have a problem.
Me: What's up?
AP: DD2 don't want to put her shoes on
Me: Tap shoes?
AP: Yes
Me: Let her carry them into the class - the teacher can deal with her!
AP: Don't worry
Me: Is she ok?
AP: The teacher takes her...
Me: Ok
AP: But she was crying and shouting...

That's word for word.

AP told me that prior to the woman's involvment she was cuddling DD had asked DD if she wanted to go home and DD had said yes. She put DD down to sort out bags etc and this woman grabbed her and 'dealt with her'. I think AP was confused about what constitutes dealing with a child. Please bear in mind that the woman had come from behind her desk and so appeared to be acting in an official capacity.

Later AP told me 'the teacher have to carry her in'. She did not realise that this woman is not a dance teacher at all. I assumed she meant DD's dance teacher and told her that was ok.

Ok. So am definitely NOT blaming AP!

But there's no mention of crying and shouting in your original op. You said "I assumed this meant the teacher had calmly led her into class".
at least one of you is very confused

Not confused at all. I said DD was having a tantrum - which usually involves shouting and crying. The word 'calmly' was in reference to the teacher - not DD who, as I have explained was having a tantrum and was not calm at all.

So was your daughter carried in, as that's entirely different to being dragged across the floor!

No! AP used the word carried but her. English is not perfect which is where confusion arose and why I have asked her to write what happened in Spanish so that I can get it translated.

Two other parents, who witnessed the incident, told me that DD was lying on the floor being dragged by one arm, by her dance teacher's mother.

Children have tantrums, often. This is normal.
An adult, dragging a tantrumming child across a bare floor is assault. This is not normal.
I would report it.
for you & your dd

I'd be furious.

I've had to lead/carry children into classrooms or events they did not want to attend before, but would never, ever dream of dragging them. That is awful and you are doing the right thing.

I agree is not APs fault.

Teacher was totally out of line.

I'd also be a bit worried about the ap (although its clear you really like her).

You say she's young, new and struggles with the language. If another situation arose which required her to be more assertive in order to protect your child, could you trust her to?

I wonder if DTM (dance teacher's mother) is from an era when physically chastising a child was deemed to be much more acceptable. I'm not suggesting that this was ever right, or that this excuses her behavior, but in the past it was par for the course and accepted. Perhaps DTM simply needs re-educating in what is and is not acceptable and appropriate in this day and age when dealing with children.

Yes, I think that absolutely is the case. DTM is probably in her late 60s but, as you say, that doesn't make it ok!

Exactly which era was it acceptable to drag a 5 year old by her arm across a floor?
Unless the woman in question is over 100 that is not an excuse for her behaviour and IMO it would never have been an appropriate thing to do to a child who did not want to go into dance class.
Corporal punishment in schools has been banned for nearly 30 years, a fact she must be aware of as it was major news.

I don't think you're overreacting OP, in fact I think you're being fairly calm under the circumstances. If anyone did this to my daughter I don't think I could control myself. You absolutely need to put in a formal complaint. Good luck and I hope your DD is ok now.

I think you need to re-read my post, KatieKaye. I explicitly stated it did not excuse her behavior. I can certainly remember an era when physical chastisement was accepted (the 70s). I couldn't possibly be so prescriptive as say whether the very specific circumstance of the child being 5 years old and being dragged by the arm across a floor was actually a recognised and accepted! I'm not sure why you made a reference to corporal punishment. That is not what has taken place in this instance.

I think it will be interesting to read the AP's account of what happened. However she may feel defensive of how she reacted because tbh it's very rare for another adult to intervene if they see an adult dealing with an upset DC and also you seem an experienced user of this dance school and yet there has never been an incident like this before.

It sounds like your AP wasn't handling the situation well at all and possibly wasn't even obviously dealing with your upset DD. You seem keen to defend your AP but I think you do need to question why she seemed so incapable that someone else felt the need to get up from their desk to intervene.

A mature sensible childminder (or you yourself) would have said to the teacher's Mum it's fine I'm taking her home. Come along x we're going home. End of matter. And if the DT's Mum interefered in this way they would have said very firmly there is absolutely no need for that please leave her alone. I'm taking her home.

I am very interested to read the AP's account but it's worth noting that none of the parents who witnessed the incident mentioned that AP was failing to handle the situation - and she's fairly new so there's no loyalty there!

Of course I some concerns about the way AP coped with DD2s tantrum but also know that when DD really goes for it, any adult would find it awkward. I have seen MIL reduced to tears before. I suppose I feel that that's a separate issue here between me/DH, AP and DD which warrants further discussion but that which in no way justifies the heavy-handed intervention of a stranger.