Crying DD dragged across the floor by adult at dancing school

[EmmalinaC]

My daughters have attended a local dance school for several years and have been really happy there. DD2 (age 5) has just added half an hours tap class to her weekly ballet lesson. She went for the first time last week and really enjoyed it - and is super proud of her shiny new tap shoes!

On Wednesday she was taken to this class by our new au pair (who I am really comfortable with and who I don't think is at fault here). DD2 decided she didn't want to wear socks under her tap shoes. Au pair tried to get her to put them on, DD2 refused (she is quite stubborn). Au pair put them on/DD2 took them off - it escalated until DD2 was having a fairly major tantrum. At this point AP texted me at work to ask what she should do. I replied immediately to say either let her go to the class in bare feet or take her home. AP asked DD2 what she wanted to do - DD2 said go home. I then got a text from AP (whose English isn't great) saying 'it's ok - teacher has taken her'. I assumed this meant the dance teacher had calmly led her into the class.

This morning at school DD2's friend's mother said she needed to have a word with me. She was very upset. She then told me that the principle of the dance school's mother (who is not a dance teacher but helps with admin and costumes) had intervened and roughly dragged DD (who was sitting/lying on the floor crying) by one arm right across the floor of the changing before dumping her in the ballet studio and closing the door. There was a stunned silence in the changing room - several other mothers who were present (and to whom I have since spoken) said they were very shocked at DD2 being treated in this way - she was visibly distressed and it was probably painful. All felt guilty that they hadn't intervened. All have said that if they had witnessed their own child being treated in that way they would make a formal complaint.

I spoke to the dance school principle who didn't see what happened but said her mother had told her that my daughter was 'playing up'. When she realised I wasn't going to allow DD to be blamed for her mother's actions she became more serious and apologised and suggested we meet to discuss what happened. I have agreed to this and as I wasn't there myself will be taking another parent who was, and AP, as 'witnesses'.

I am so angry. If a teacher did this to a child there would be serious consequences. As far as I'm concerned this is no different.

So - AIBU to take this matter further? To think this is tantamount to assault? To demand this woman apologies to DD? To report as a child protection issue? To insist this woman never touches either of my children again? To withdraw DDs from the dance school altogether?

DD2 says she doesn't want to go back but DD1 (who is 8) attends musical theatre and modern classes there and loves it. It would be a shame if she had to stop too.

I am struggling to get any perspective on this at all. Maybe I am overreacting? How would you feel?

Just as some extra info, in case anyone thinks 5 is too old for this kind of tantrum... DD2 is a very anxious child. She needs routine and reassurance. This was the first time AP had taken her alone to the class: DD1 - on whom DD2 relies for moral support - was at gym club; I was working and DD2's best friend and her mother (with whom DD2 is really close) were absent. When DD2 gets anxious (like in this scenario) she picks something (like the tap shoes) and uses it as a way of venting her anxiety. What she needs is reassurance not manhandling by a complete stranger. I feel so sad for her that she doesn't ever want to go back to a class that she loved.

Sorry it's long but thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

Op, you don't have to justify your actions or those of your au pair.
Please go back and read the post by sand witch in which she describes referring thisvtobthe LADO
I'm a safeguarding officer and I agree with every word of her post.
Children should not be treated like your dd was and people who care for other peoples children should legally know their safeguarding responsibilities
Please report this to your local authority's LADO
I am

I did read your post, permanently. I just happen to disagree with the part about previous times.
I too can remember the 1970s. And the 1960s.

And I repeat: in what era was this treatment of a 5 year old child who did not wish to take part in a voluntary activity acceptable?

Because I totally disagree that this type of treatment in these circumstances would have been acceptable in the 70s. A random person abusing a child was not accepted then by the vast majority of people. Of course, there are always those who grow up with abuse as the norm in any era and if that was your experience then I am truly sorry.

Don't know where that stray ' I am' came from
I'm not reporting anything

CRB / DBS checks are a bit of a red herring here - being rough with a child would only turn into something that would show up in a check if she had previously been reported to the police and they had taken the matter further

I mentioned the CRB because if she is not CRB checked she shouldn't be there.

What an awful experience for your DD.

However, other parents watched your DD be dragged across the floor, distressed, & they didn't intervene? No such thing as an innocent bystander. I would not allow that to happen to any child in my presence without trying to put a stop to it. Why did these parents not intervene at the time?

I think she was wrong to drag her - although I'd have given her the benefit of the doubt if it hadn't been for the dragging.

I know from experience tantrums often stop once children are in class, with friends and getting on with the dancing, and I have led wailing children off (after checking with the adult) before with a cheery "come on now, we'll go in and pop your shoes on, then you can join in/what's that silly noise about? Look

I don't think it is fair of people to be questioning why the au pair did or did not intervene. They are young girls very often (18, 19, occasionally about 20 -ish), English is not their mother tongue, and they have little experience of what is or is not acceptable in this country. When I was 18 or 19 I know I would have struggled to find the confidence to stand up to a determined and assertive person who was so much older than me. She probably felt unsure and maybe out of her depth.

I have never had an au pair, but I have known people locally who have had them. They often seemed to be young Eastern European girls whose English is not great. Also, when I left school (far too many years ago now) quite a few of my contemporaries there went abroad to be au pairs (I didn't, not my cup of tea really). At that stage of our lives, few of us had very much experience of dealing with young children, particularly when faced with challenging behaviour.

Because the AP was totally responsible for the little girl at that point, & should have had the wherewithall at least to shout "no!" once the girl was being dragged.

I was an au pair in my late teens. I would have found that a very difficult situation to deal with, certainly at the beginning of my time in the job.

She was probably just so confused about what was going on. It's so hard when you are newly started, the language, the differences and the complete lack of any clue about how things work.

In the 60s and 70s, Katie.

I remember this happening in my kindergarten and, later, at primary school. A parent doing it would often throw in a hard smack to go with it.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I agree that a new au pair, young, new to a job, with a tantrumming child, without fluent English or a clear idea of acceptable norms on adult behaviour towards upset/angry children in this country, would find the situation hard. I was an au pair in France at eighteen, with a difficult, aggressive bolter of a four-year-old, and while I was often rather shocked at how freely he and his equally 'spirited' friend were smacked on the face by their mothers, I was too new to France to query it...

You do rethink about your au pair.

She didn't tell you what had happened. She didn't put your instructions first. If a third party hadn't told you, then you would still not have known.

This incident may not have been her fault, but her silence on it is telling. It will be hard if not impossible to know that you are receiving information on even the key/big events in your DD's life.

Now, I know it's harder to sack someone who you have felt is close to you. And going through recruitment is a pain.

But, once emotion has ebbed, can you really trust your DC with someone who does not even mention an incident such as this?

The woman's actions were totally unacceptable. It sounds like the dance teacher is taking it seriously- which is good. If your other daughter really likes the class then I would be tempted to go through the enquiry process with the teacher and the best outcome would be that the mother doesn't attend the classes ever again otherwise you will have to report it. That way your other daughter won't be punished for what happened.

How did the meeting go OP?

Hope meeting went okay :)

You can't send her back there. If you send her back there she will understand that mummy doesn't protect her. I'm not sure about child protection etc but you can't take her back.

By that logic, saltnpepa, the au pair can't actually take her anywhere because she is the one who was too intimidated by the older woman to protect the child.

The child's mum (op) would be failing to protect her child by continuing to leave her in the au pair's care at all.

If you send her back there she will understand that mummy doesn't protect her.

If the adult apologises to the child, the teacher offers reassurance that it won't be allowed to happen again and she decides she would like to go back there is no reason not to allow her to do so.

Children need to find out that people sometimes make mistakes and then learn from them.

Have you had any further updates from the dance school EmmalinaC? Just wondeirng if the matter has been sorted? My two kids do a dance & drama class after school and I'd be more than a little angy if I heard that they had been treated in a similar way to your little girl.
Anyway, hope it's all be sorted now for you and for her.