Crying DD dragged across the floor by adult at dancing school

[EmmalinaC]

My daughters have attended a local dance school for several years and have been really happy there. DD2 (age 5) has just added half an hours tap class to her weekly ballet lesson. She went for the first time last week and really enjoyed it - and is super proud of her shiny new tap shoes!

On Wednesday she was taken to this class by our new au pair (who I am really comfortable with and who I don't think is at fault here). DD2 decided she didn't want to wear socks under her tap shoes. Au pair tried to get her to put them on, DD2 refused (she is quite stubborn). Au pair put them on/DD2 took them off - it escalated until DD2 was having a fairly major tantrum. At this point AP texted me at work to ask what she should do. I replied immediately to say either let her go to the class in bare feet or take her home. AP asked DD2 what she wanted to do - DD2 said go home. I then got a text from AP (whose English isn't great) saying 'it's ok - teacher has taken her'. I assumed this meant the dance teacher had calmly led her into the class.

This morning at school DD2's friend's mother said she needed to have a word with me. She was very upset. She then told me that the principle of the dance school's mother (who is not a dance teacher but helps with admin and costumes) had intervened and roughly dragged DD (who was sitting/lying on the floor crying) by one arm right across the floor of the changing before dumping her in the ballet studio and closing the door. There was a stunned silence in the changing room - several other mothers who were present (and to whom I have since spoken) said they were very shocked at DD2 being treated in this way - she was visibly distressed and it was probably painful. All felt guilty that they hadn't intervened. All have said that if they had witnessed their own child being treated in that way they would make a formal complaint.

I spoke to the dance school principle who didn't see what happened but said her mother had told her that my daughter was 'playing up'. When she realised I wasn't going to allow DD to be blamed for her mother's actions she became more serious and apologised and suggested we meet to discuss what happened. I have agreed to this and as I wasn't there myself will be taking another parent who was, and AP, as 'witnesses'.

I am so angry. If a teacher did this to a child there would be serious consequences. As far as I'm concerned this is no different.

So - AIBU to take this matter further? To think this is tantamount to assault? To demand this woman apologies to DD? To report as a child protection issue? To insist this woman never touches either of my children again? To withdraw DDs from the dance school altogether?

DD2 says she doesn't want to go back but DD1 (who is 8) attends musical theatre and modern classes there and loves it. It would be a shame if she had to stop too.

I am struggling to get any perspective on this at all. Maybe I am overreacting? How would you feel?

Just as some extra info, in case anyone thinks 5 is too old for this kind of tantrum... DD2 is a very anxious child. She needs routine and reassurance. This was the first time AP had taken her alone to the class: DD1 - on whom DD2 relies for moral support - was at gym club; I was working and DD2's best friend and her mother (with whom DD2 is really close) were absent. When DD2 gets anxious (like in this scenario) she picks something (like the tap shoes) and uses it as a way of venting her anxiety. What she needs is reassurance not manhandling by a complete stranger. I feel so sad for her that she doesn't ever want to go back to a class that she loved.

Sorry it's long but thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

This is shocking.

Au pair
A. I am surprised that the au pair did not text you to let you know that your dd was manhandled into class.
B. Why did the Au pair not go and check on your dd? How could she turn her back to an upset child locked crying into a dance studio to get on with the class?
C. How come she did not tell you herself until you had spoken to others and it was clear that you were angry, only then did she assure you that SHE would not treat a child - so it was ok treatment of the child until she realized you were upset?

I would let Au pair go. She may be adorable, but she was a passive bystander while your child was assaulted, and did not think to tell you what happened.

Dance school.
I would speak to both police and raise your concerns with social services. This is not on at all.

I don't think it is a Police matter as some have said and certainly not assault.
I bet the Principles mother is older and used to the times when this is how we handled kids.

She was out of order and now things aren't done like this. I think you are right to complain, but wonder what you want to happen as a consequence to this.

I would hope that she is told under no circumstances is she allowed to do this, or have any bodily contact with the children again.

If she is the one who measures for costumes I would make sure you are there when she does this. There must be lots of little ones she comes into contact with.

DD2 decided she didn't want to wear socks under her tap shoes. Au pair tried to get her to put them on, DD2 refused (she is quite stubborn).

When DD2 gets anxious (like in this scenario) she picks something (like the tap shoes) and uses it as a way of venting her anxiety.

What the teacher did was wrong but really is 'anxiety' causing this ?' Looks like to me she wanted to wear her new shoes without socks.

Rosa;
Yes anxiety can cause senarios as the op described. My daughter had a complete meltdown at lunchtime because I asked her to change her top. The cause was anxiety because she has never been home for lunch before and didn't know the routine of who would be at the door, and take her down to class when she got back to school. (The reason she was home lunch was for a doctors appointment). She couldn't articulate to me why she was anxious so she had a panic attack (which looks majorly like a tantrum) when I asked her to do a seemingly normal and small task. It wasn't until 30 minutes after the panic attack she could tell me why.
2 clinical psychologists have confirmed that these 'tantrums' are panic attacks caused by anxiety so yes completely possible.

Op it was completely out of order what the school did I would report them to safeguarding my dd has autism and anxiety, dealing with her like that just makes her worse.

I agree Quintessentailly, i know AP is lovely and inexperienced, but she should have intervened in her charge being treated like that. Why did she not phone you to tell you what had happened straight away, instead of other parents telling you. Why did parents just stand by and let this happen!

I would contact the safeguarding team at SS, so that they can look into the matter and see what steps the dance school can take to ensure this never happens again.

I think you've had some good advice here, and of course yanbu to be upset. Gold and Mantra have already explained (better than I could) how best to proceed from here.

I am little confused by the events leading up to the "assault". Your DD was having a meltdown because she wanted to wear her shoes without socks. AP called you to ask what she should do. You advised to take DD home.

How did the dance teacher's mum then take DD into the class? Was it done in a calm way eg "Come on Little Emmylina. Ooh look everyone is waiting for you." Took her by the hand and gently encouraged her in. Or was it more a case of "Come on we haven't got all day to wait for you to finish crying" and took hold of her hand and (roughly) led her in?

What is AP's version of events up until that point? It seems very strange for DD to have calmed down sufficiently to be coaxed in and then be dragged screaming across the floor? Did AP witness the "assault"?

I think if the dance mum was off with DD in front of the AP then the AP should have ensured DD was ok before leaving her. Or said "Little Emmylina is a bit upset today. I think it would be best for all concerned if she misses practise today. She will see you next week" or something like that. As it stands you only have second hand information.

There are always two sides to every story. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle. I think you need to have a meeting with some of the mums who witnessed it, along with the dance teacher and her mum before you decide if it was in fact "assault" and then decide what to do about it.

I would go unrecognisably bonkers.

See to it that this horrible woman is engulfed in the apocalyptic shitstorm she deserves. I would go further than making a formal complaint: I'd be going to the police and insisting that she immediately be prosecuting for assaulting a minor. My DCs would not set foot in the place again and God, the King and absolutely everyone would hear about what had happened. Then I would report the dance school to every regulatory body I could think of. Oh, and anything resembling even a transient injury and I'd be suing them as well.

OK, but apart from that you'd be fairly relaxed about it, would you Boris?

Incidentally, which king would you tell about it?

I never drag a tantruming child by the arm. All it takes is one jerky twist and their arm could be out of socket.

I do however get behind them and pick them up under their arms and carry them away that way if need be, where I'm out of the way of flailing feet and hands. But, these are children I'm in charge of and leaving time/bed time/timeout time is non-negotiable.

When the parents/guardians are there, it's their problem to deal with.

Just on principle the woman shouldn't have done that.

But on safety, she certainly shouldn't have.

She probably has been CRB checked, and this is a good example of why passing a CRB check doesn't really mean anything (except for in the highly unlikely event that the person just happens to be a convicted paedophile). There are plenty of people who you wouldn't want to see working with children who would pass CRB checks, from the naive irresponsible kind who don't realise the extent of their duty of care around young children, to people like this woman who have the idea that we are all too soft with children nowadays and what they really need is a good smack.

Of course they are right to do them as a safeguarding measure, but too much reliance is placed on them sometimes. I used to volunteer at a school desperate for helpers which just snapped me up as soon as I passed the CRB check - I could have been completely inappropriate and yet was just handed unsupervised access to the children, no questions asked! (Disclaimer: I am not an evil witch, but they didn't know that).

Of course this person should not have dragged your child in this way. And you should take it further. But your au pair doesn't sound as if she can cope very well and wasn't really in control of the situation.

I think I'd actually call the police too.

I wouldn't want this woman near my child or any of the others in that class. I'm sure the police wouldn't take much action, but a talk about how unacceptable it was would hopefully be enough of a shock and it might also make the dance class have proper procedures and think about the way they treat the children.

Contrary to most opinions, I think this is not ok but far from being a police matter. I'd second going back to hear their side of the story/AP's side of the story and DD's side of the story, and talk to them.
I'd think the administrator/assistant just got really, really fed up with a tantrum and thought - that's it! In you go and stop the fussing. Not correct, but not an awful assault.
when you've heard all the different versions you can make an informed decision as to whether to continue or change dance class. Thy might well change the administrator?

Thank you so much for all the replies. It's really helped me get my thoughts in order.

I have spoken with the dance school principal again and this time her response was in line with what I would expect and she is taking the complaint very seriously. She made it clear that her mother's alleged behaviour was unacceptable as stated in the school's Child Protection/Safeguarding Policy and that she would treat my complaint exactly as she would if it were made against any other member of staff. She has asked me to get written statements from the two parents who saw the incident (they have agreed to do this) and also from my au pair. I have asked my au pair to do this in her own language and have arranged for a bilingual friend to translate. I will then bring these three statements and meet with the principal on Monday. She has offered me the option of her mother attending this meeting also so I can hear her version of events.

I also spoke with a friend who works for social services. She said if the incident took place as described it should be formally reported as a Child Protection issue and investigate. I will wait until after I get written statements from other parents and also until I have met with the dance school before I decide whether I want to pursue this.

I have spoken again with the parents who saw what happened. They said DD2 was sort of lying on her hip/side being dragged along, while being called a 'very silly little girl' - somehow this detail is the worst bit. It absolutely was NOT done in in a calm, helpful way.

FWIW I really don't blame the au pair. She asked my advice and was then overruled by a woman old enough to be her grandmother who she believed was 'in charge'. Other adults also sat by and said nothing.

DreamingDiva Thank you for your post about anxiety I hadn't realised it was akin to a panic attack (from which I have suffered myself in the past). This is what happens with DD2. If her routine changes she finds a detail to fixate on (such as her socks) and that becomes the apparent cause of a meltdown. Things like mufti day are a nightmare. She hates parties! At school they recognise this (in fact her reception teacher was the first to point out that these weren't just tantrums) and are brilliant at dealing with her gently. I had assumed that after 4 weeks the AP was now a safe person for DD2 but I guess she needs a bit longer to feel comfortable. I will explain this very carefully to our au pair for any future situations.

Again - thanks for the responses .

Perhaps if the woman needed to get the child out if a burning building than she might have been justified in picking her up. But not to drag a seated child across the floor by her arm for a voluntary activity that is meant to be enjoyable !

Total nonsense to say it is because she is of an older generation. It was never acceptable to treat a 5 year old like this.

All those saying its not a police matter

You have to have PR to get away with 'reasonable chastisement'

FWIW I really don't blame the au pair. She asked my advice and was then overruled by a woman old enough to be her grandmother who she believed was 'in charge'. Other adults also sat by and said nothing.

I completely agree that the au pair is not at fault here. She had taken your DD to a class that she had attended for some time as requested by you. She is a young woman in a new country and not that well informed about the cultural norms. For all she knew, this might be seen as an appropriate way for someone of an older generation in a dance school to behave and it might have caused massive offence and scandal for a young woman to intervene. She will also have been aware that adults who had known your DD for a lot longer than she has, were sitting back allowing it to happen without intervening.

It was already a highly stressful situation in which she was struggling to deal with a child she didn't know particularly well in an environment where her own ability to communicate and read people was compromised. It is no surprise at all that she didn't feel able to stand up to someone who clearly acted in a very confident manner.

Thats good Emma, also see about reporting it to SS

Glad it's being taken more seriously now

Y.N.B.U. This was abuse. I guarantee that if you did this to your D.D, S.S would be knocking on your door. This is most certainly a child protection issue.
The fact that your daughter was playing up does not give anyone the right to drag her across the room.

Well done Emma. I think you are absolutely right to pursue this. Years ago something very similar indeed happened in Dd's school. The teacher was disciplined and not allowed to be in her class until her planned retirement a few months later. It is totally unacceptable to manhandle and drag children around like this. I feel for you all, very stressful.

Blimey everyone is quick to scream abuse .
Two sides to every story .
Are all these witnesses removing their children from the school for fear of their own child's safety ?
This sort if witch hunt ruins lives and reputations .
This woman may have handled your daughter too harshly - but please remember there's an equal chance that she didn't .

OP - if you would like advice, I would suggest that you speak with your Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO)
The LADO us responsible for coordinating investigations where there is an allegation against someone who works with children. This could be a paid post, such as a teacher, doctor, nursery worker etc. or a volunteer.

The dance school has a statutory obligation to make a referral to the LADO where there is an allegation that a volunteer or member of staff has...
Harmed a child
Possibly committed a criminal offence against a child
Behaved in such a way that may indicate they are unsuitable to work with children.

You can make this referral yourself. It would look better for the dance school if they take the initiative.

The LADO may involve police or children's services. They may agree that the matter can be investigated in house.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to discuss further.