AIBU to cancel childs birthday?

[LandOfWishfulThinking]

Childs birthday is tomorrow.

After a lot of excited waiting, with one day to go, it seems to have all got to her.

This morning she searched the house and located a present unwrapping it. She was told off, and told that she shouldn't look for presents and open because then there's nothing for tomorrow. "Okay mum"

But the search continued, and she's now found her birthday cards - in my sock drawer (so shes actively searching not randomly stumbling across). She then found a few cake decorations for her cake Im making tonight in a different place. Im very annoyed now so Ive told her, if she continues to search and she finds one more thing - her birthday is cancelled.

Its not an empty threat, but I am wondering just how okay it is to actually carry it out. And to what extent? So no presents and she has to wait another day? Cancelling family visiting (theyre close to us so it wouldn't be a issue to cancel, just upsetting to her and probally a little to them) Completely cancelling?

Hopefully touchwood there will be no more searching and it wont get to that.
But if it does, AIBU to carry it out?

My boys were 5 and 7 though and they knew exactly what they were doing. I could hear them plotting!

Ive said it now, admittedly in anger, I don't think its backtrackable now really.
I know OP said she wasn't reading anymore, but wow at the lack of humility that she can't apologise to her daughter and say "Mummy was wrong to say that." I can't be the only one to do that, surely?

My youngest is 4 soon, no way would I cancel her birthday ! You are very mean

I knew a mum who cancelled her son's 7th birthday party because he was being naughty. He was given his birthday presents for Christmas instead. He then lost them for more bad behaviour.
When mum asked him what he wanted for his 8th birthday, his answer was "nothing"

Never cancel birthdays - it tells children that your love is conditional.

It's funny, I actually 'hide' presents in a corner of the living room in plain view and my 7 year old has never looked! I caught him debating it once and told him that whilst he could look, it would completely spoil the surprise. This worked.

But it would not work on a 3 year old. I think you have taken a right pasting here and I think you now know that she's too little to threaten like that. So PLEASE can everyone stop piling into the thread with 'She's 3, you're really mean' comments. The OP gets it!

PLEASE don't cancel her birthday! She is so young and clearly really really excited! My son is 6 next week and we are trying not to hype it up but he's been on a countdown and has searched for pressies - which I find extremely cute. It is magical and I want to go with it - he will soon be a teenager and not give a stuff.

I really question the parenting of a person whose response to a small child's enthusiasm and curiosity is to threaten to scrap her BIRTHDAY. Whether you'd do it or not - what were you thinking to even threaten this?

I feel a bit sorry for you actually OP. Sounds to me like you've been frustrated with behaviour and discipline for a while and then this happens, where you've let your anger, frustration and disappointment allow a threat you don't actually want to carry through slip out.

For now, just give the one present she found in its semi open state. Have a happy birthday with her.

The day after, think of some strategies you can follow to have a more harmonious household. There might be a power struggle going on in your household. You need to be in charge but you also need, and obviously to me also want, to be a kind and loving parent.

Getting discipline right with a three/four year old can be hard work. Can you enlist some help/ an advisor/ someone to let off steam with?

Thank you Noodle - what a great response. I just think battering her over over and over with 'what were you thinking?' is not really going to help!

Wow !!
Op you seriously would spite an excited 3 year old on her birthday because you didn't hide her presents well enough ???

What will your family say when you tell them her birthday is cancelled and why ?

I just hope they will tell you how cruel that is at her age !

Her birthday is once a year & she deserves to be treated like a princess on her special day regardless of what else has happened .

How cruel is it at 3-4 to have her birthday cancelled , she will
Wake up all excited then cry as she has nothing ? That's just sad !!

Think some people on this thread are being a bit OTT. Emotional abuse, really? Clearly the OP was getting a bit frustrated and said something silly and is now unsure how to move forward without making her threats seem empty. She's already said she's not canceling the birthday.

Well, I'd be focusing on what you should be learning from this situation, not your tiny daughter!

1. Never make grandiose threats that are disproportional to the 'crime' - do this repeatedly and the child won't listen to you / will learn that it's ok for mummy to threaten and scare them
2. Never make a punishment that you don't want to follow through - consequences need thinking about, why bother making your life more difficult by forcing through a punishment that is going to cause more of a problem for yourself than the child (logistics of canceling a birthday party? The damage limitation you'll have to do afterwards repairing your relationship with your child?)
3. Don't stick to your word not matter what - you can show humanity, not a 'do or die' attitude as if you'll lose your authority if you don't follow through. You don't have to be a dictator enforcing 'respect', respect tends to be given as a side effect of your actions

4 it's good for children to see grown ups owning up to mistakes and being in control of themselves enough to adapt their behaviour - it's called wisdom not weakness

1. Punish at the time not days later, she's far too little to understand delayed consequences

I'm trying v hard not to sound cross (not sure i succeeded tbh), as I was quite shocked by your post but know that anger doesn't help someone understand what's wrong with the situation. It just makes people defensive and stick to their guns.

If you're feeling that, maybe have a think about what your reaction will be doing to your child. Don't turn it into a situation that you have to win by making her lose, it's not nice or effective.

Children that age don't have impulse control. It is cruel to punish someone for something they can't help. Birthdays are supposed to be exciting when you are that age, there's plenty of time to become disillusioned with them later on surely!?

My final thought:

People that are so focused on 'not backing down' and 'going through with it' are usually the people who are out of their depth and feeling like they have to assert their authority (superiority?) then and there or else you'll never ever be respected again...

I suggest you work on that, as true authority can bend without breaking. Being flexible and caring actually adds to your authority, doesn't take it away...

If you don't know how to put that into practice, try this:

Make a big deal about you having thought about it, and decided to do it this way, because it's the better way... Makes it less like you're randomly throwing threats and orders around, and more like you're a thinking feeling human who can adjust and evolve what you do, as you're a mature adult.

'mummy was v sad that u did x, it was wrong because x. Now, mummy had a big think last night and i decided mummy shouldn't have said x because that's not a nice thing to do and it won't help you learn. So, I've decided that x is for looking for presents after I told you not to, and youll still habe ulur party. now, say sorry and give me a hug' and that's it, move on.

Yabu at 4 she is too young! I thought you were going to say 10 or 11

Hope you and your DD were able to have a lovely day celebrating her birthday today