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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel childs birthday?

141 replies

LandOfWishfulThinking · 18/09/2014 17:35

Childs birthday is tomorrow.

After a lot of excited waiting, with one day to go, it seems to have all got to her.

This morning she searched the house and located a present unwrapping it. She was told off, and told that she shouldn't look for presents and open because then there's nothing for tomorrow. "Okay mum"

But the search continued, and she's now found her birthday cards - in my sock drawer (so shes actively searching not randomly stumbling across). She then found a few cake decorations for her cake Im making tonight in a different place. Im very annoyed now so Ive told her, if she continues to search and she finds one more thing - her birthday is cancelled.

Its not an empty threat, but I am wondering just how okay it is to actually carry it out. And to what extent? So no presents and she has to wait another day? Cancelling family visiting (theyre close to us so it wouldn't be a issue to cancel, just upsetting to her and probally a little to them) Completely cancelling?

Hopefully touchwood there will be no more searching and it wont get to that.
But if it does, AIBU to carry it out?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 18:34

Op yes carrying out threats is important, but cancelling a little child's birthday because she found her presents, goodness sakes you are mean.

Armi · 18/09/2014 18:35

I also think apologising and explaining why you were cross would be ok.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 18:35

I agree hula, if dd found her presents that's it no surprises, but she would still have her cake and party and be made to feel special.

velveteenbunny · 18/09/2014 18:36

"Nobody here made a threat and then thought 'bugger, I might have to carry that out' No? Just me?"

Yes, I've done this. I've also lost my temper and shouted at times and felt really guilty about it.

And on the occasions when I've done either of those things I have sat down with my DC, and apologised, and said that sometimes I get things wrong - that I was cross and upset and shouldn't have threatened that/shouted.

There is NOTHING wrong with letting your DC see that you're human.

Sorry, but you sound like you've got a bit of a god complex going on.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/09/2014 18:36

Maybe get better at hiding stuff.
How can you cancel a birthday, its like cancelling Wednesday?
I can see you are upset after all your hard work and I don't blame you for wanting to cancel a party or treat, but you only get one birthday a year.
It seems a bit OTT for punishment.

Original poster
LandOfWishfulThinking · 18/09/2014 18:40

I don't think all the opinions are over the top, just ones about sending her to an orphanage, being a control freak and an all round bad parent when you are basing this on a snapshot you have heard of me snapping. As if parents never get cross ever. That is OTT

But there's been plenty of decent level headed replies that haven't decided that I am satan

Yes, you are totally right that I need to hide things better. I thought the sock drawer and the cupboard were good little spots. Wrong! Christmas presents will be going elsewhere....

And were nearing the end of the day, evenings are spent together, dinners done and Ill just hold in the next poo I guess :P So she shouldn't have the opportunity, I hope. There are still presents, its just one shes opened

Yes, I definatly should have thought through that threat. Rather than now after saying it.
Ive never gone back on a threat, hate the idea of empty ones and really don't want to start now whilst she's testing boundaries in general.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 18:43

Op the cancelling of birthday is one you should not go through. We all make mistakes as parents, yes sometimes slip up and make empty threats, this one should be an empty threat as it's your little girls birthday, she won't get another until next year.

waithorse · 18/09/2014 18:44

Bloody hell, 4, are you for real ?? She's a little one, that's what they do. I thought you were going to say 10.

velveteenbunny · 18/09/2014 18:44

But you didn't come on here seeking for support because you got cross.

You came on here asking for advice on how to follow through your threat, because you ALWAYS follow through on what you threaten.

Hence people presented their views.

velveteenbunny · 18/09/2014 18:45

She'll only ever have one fourth birthday.

And you want to take it away from her because her excitement got the better of her and you dealt with it badly.

It's just...well, it's horrible.

velveteenbunny · 18/09/2014 18:46

I think I've made my point Blush I'll stop now! Blush Blush

ArtDecoGirly · 18/09/2014 18:48

Just remember, children are children for a very short time and adults for a very long time. What happens now will shape the adult she'll be. Do you really want her childhood memories to be unhappy ones? To grow up thinking her mother is cold and mean? You should be creating happy memories for her...it's really not that hard to do

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 18:50

I agree art, op you do sound very controlling, I hope it won't affect your little girl, it's ok to let go a bit admit you were wrong to threaten to cancel her birthday and tell her all the nice things she will be doing with you tomorrow. Instead cancel shopping or a walk that was happening or something else.

Mintyy · 18/09/2014 18:51

Fucking hell! I got to the bit where you said she's 4!! I can't believe my eyes.

SoonToBeSix · 18/09/2014 18:54

Apologise to your dd tell her your threat was wrong and mummies sometimes make mistakes.
Do not cancel her birthday , that would be a very cruel thing to do.

usualsuspect333 · 18/09/2014 19:00

Why would you even consider canceling a 4 year olds birthday?

It's fucked up.

Original poster
LandOfWishfulThinking · 18/09/2014 19:01

Velveteen - Nope, the 'backpeddling without backpeddling' / accepting that that threat is going to have to be empty is exactly what Im looking for

I really do not mind all the opinions saying it is not something I can carry out. Its given perspective (although I am more keen on a solution that doesn't result in it being an empty threat made)

But comments saying Im a control freak, horrible mother or that my child doesn't have a happy childhood - yeah, wasn't looking for that. Knew I was going to get it, but not interested in them personally. And Ill just ignore them from now on quite frankly Smile

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 18/09/2014 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILovePud · 18/09/2014 19:02

I think that at times a cuddle and apologising or saying you lost your temper and went too far with the threatened sanction is actually a better lesson than following through with the sanction. It teachers your DD that even mummies get it wrong some times and that, on occasions, saying sorry and or backing down is the right thing to do. I've certainly been in that position myself.

ArabellaTarantella · 18/09/2014 19:03

How to backpeddle without backpeddling:

Plain cake, unwrapped presents (or how she left them).

You haven't said if there's other people coming tomorrow?

usualsuspect333 · 18/09/2014 19:05

Don't give her a plain cake FFS. She's 4

EllasMum16 · 18/09/2014 19:05

I'm a firm believer in following through on threats, otherwise children learn that what you say isn't to be taken seriously. Still it seems sad to cancel a birthday, but you've said it now! I would just follow her like a hawk now so you don't have to follow through. And think twice before you make a threat (not judging, I have learned this the hard way myself!)

XiCi · 18/09/2014 19:05

The entire situation is your own fault for being stupid enough to not hide a present where a 3 year old can't reach it

The threat was ridiculous and not age appropriate

Carrying through the threat would be beyond horrible. I can't believe anyone would even consider it. Don't you have any family around you to tell you to get a fucking grip? It's actually quite heartbreaking to think of a little 4 year old that's been so excited about their birthday having the whole day cancelled.

RedToothBrush · 18/09/2014 19:09

Just a thought, but who wound a 3 year old up into being this excited by a birthday...

...and now can't handle it?

Sorry, but the blame lies firmly with parents who have made such a big deal of the birthday in the first place!

FrootLoopy · 18/09/2014 19:10

Ive never gone back on a threat, hate the idea of empty ones and really don't want to start now whilst she's testing boundaries in general.

All that you will teach her is that her mummy is so stubborn that when she gets it wrong she still won't back down. Lovely lesson to learn.....