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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel childs birthday?

141 replies

LandOfWishfulThinking · 18/09/2014 17:35

Childs birthday is tomorrow.

After a lot of excited waiting, with one day to go, it seems to have all got to her.

This morning she searched the house and located a present unwrapping it. She was told off, and told that she shouldn't look for presents and open because then there's nothing for tomorrow. "Okay mum"

But the search continued, and she's now found her birthday cards - in my sock drawer (so shes actively searching not randomly stumbling across). She then found a few cake decorations for her cake Im making tonight in a different place. Im very annoyed now so Ive told her, if she continues to search and she finds one more thing - her birthday is cancelled.

Its not an empty threat, but I am wondering just how okay it is to actually carry it out. And to what extent? So no presents and she has to wait another day? Cancelling family visiting (theyre close to us so it wouldn't be a issue to cancel, just upsetting to her and probally a little to them) Completely cancelling?

Hopefully touchwood there will be no more searching and it wont get to that.
But if it does, AIBU to carry it out?

OP posts:
Petallic · 18/09/2014 18:16

YABU - massively. Even if your DC were older YABU. My DP and his siblings had birthdays and Christmas cancelled for relatively minor things and it is one of the things that has affected their relationship with their mother - they do not speak kindly of her at all. When it's been bought up during a bit of childhood reminiscing they all strongly remember the feelings of disappointment and unfairness of it. Cancelling a whole birthday is not the same has not getting the one special present asked for etc due to bad behaviour etc.

BigfootFiles · 18/09/2014 18:16

"I also don't want her to learn that my threats are meaningless"

There is a middle way. Explain what she did wrong, explain why that made you angry/how it made you feel. Explain that when people are angry sometimes they say and do things without thinking - you were so upset you said you'd cancel her birthday but now you've thought about it some more, you think it would be fairer for your DD to decide the consequence of her actions. They can be surprisingly good at deciding on "fair punishments".

GiveTwoSheets · 18/09/2014 18:17

Aww is this your first parent fail? Not be able to hide presents and cards from a 3year old. Never mind

Humansatnav · 18/09/2014 18:18

You are very mean to threaten to cancel a 4 th birthday.
You sound like a bit of a knob tbh.

WandaDoff · 18/09/2014 18:18

Ridiculous.

Children that small need immediate consequences.

MrsDeVere · 18/09/2014 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthebeach · 18/09/2014 18:19

You are being horrid. Stop it. She's 3 not 13!
So she's no surprises tomorrow - that will be enough of a lesson.
Honest to God woman lighten up.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 18/09/2014 18:20

What????? Are you bloody kidding me?

Absolutely terrible idea. Your 4 year old is really excited and playing up a bit. And you want to be spiteful and totally OTT and cancel the whole thing.

Who need enemies when you have a mother like this!

secretsquirrels · 18/09/2014 18:20

I know consistency is important but here you have a lesson to learn. Think very carefully about what you threaten.
I'd sit her down and say that you were cross and sad that she spoiled her birthday by looking for presents but you won't cancel her birthday.

chesterberry · 18/09/2014 18:21

I can see why if you've made a threat you would feel you have to carry it out - I think it was a mistake to make such a big threat but I think sometimes it's easy to just make a threat without thinking about how you would actually carry it out.

It would be a horrible thing to do now. What I would be doing now in your position would be making it almost impossible for your child to do it again. Put all of the gifts completely out of her reach in a high cupboard/ top of the wardrobe etc so there is no chance of her finding them. Then make lots of effort play and distract until bedtime. When she goes to bed praise her on listening to you and not looking for any more presents and reassure her she will have her birthday tomorrow.

Then just keep one ear out until you are sure she's gone off to sleep! As others have said your DD is so very little and is probably just struggling to contain her excitement - at a similar age my sibling woke up very early on Christmas morning and went downstairs and opened all of their presents which had been lain out under the tree. My parents were devastated they didn't get to see their face as they opened them but they weren't cross as sibling was still so young. Actually think it might have been the same year the same sibling also ate all of the chocolates from the advent calender on first December as well!

AllThatGlistens · 18/09/2014 18:21

You need to learn to issue more age appropriate 'threats'.

And you think our reactions have been OTT? Shock

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/09/2014 18:22

I hate, hate, hate empty threats.

I also hate the thought of cancelling your DD's birthday.

So how to "carry out the threat" without completely cancelling? e.g. how to packpedal without looking like it.

BTW DH has form for this, threatening things that we will never do. He is much better now. He threatened to cancel our Christmas trip (to see PIL in Florida!!!!) the day before our flights!

I used to hate seeing parents at the park saying "If you throw sand/kick that child/hog the swing/whatever one more time, we are going HOME" and then of course they would still be there an hour later. I never threatened going home because I didn't want to have to.

Sorry, I'm waffling.

OP - let this be a life lesson for you - never threaten anything you are not willing to carry through.

For now, with the birthday, is there maybe one part of the birthday celebration you can "cancel" and make it about that? So you are not "backing down" but she still gets her birthday - mostly?

SolomanDaisy · 18/09/2014 18:22

I have made a threat I regretted immediately. And I immediately apologised to my DS, gave him a hug and explained that it was a mistake for me to have said it. He's also three. I wouldn't go ahead with a ridiculous, mean minded threat just to prove some ridiculous point about being the boss. I was too busy feeling guilty for having said it at all.

Veritata · 18/09/2014 18:22

Don't withdraw the threat, but hide everything somewhere where she absolutely can't find it so you don't actually have to carry it out.

ILovePud · 18/09/2014 18:23

Sorry you sound like you are feeling very stressed. I agree that its unwise to teach children threats are meaningless but I'd say you need to work on making your threats/consequences proportionate rather than following through on this threat which just seems far to harsh for a child of any age IMO but especially a four year old. You'll make life easier for yourself if you work on grading punishments rather than going straight for the nuclear option, 'if you do that one more time'. Imagine following through on this tomorrow, you'll feel terrible, I imagine your family will be Shock at what you've done and you'll have a very upset little girl who will have no incentive to behave.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/09/2014 18:23

x-post with lots of people!

TheBuskersDog · 18/09/2014 18:26

Nobody here made a threat and then thought 'bugger, I might have to carry that out' No? Just me?

No because if most of us had threatened something so unbelievably mean to a small child we would realise we had been unreasonable and admit it, rather than follow through just to avoid losing face.

BeaLola · 18/09/2014 18:27

Nobody here made a threat and then thought 'bugger, I might have to carry that out' No? Just me?

of course we all do as we are all human and say things in the heat of the moment. Some good suggestions on here from some lovely Mumsnetters. She is little, you have a lovely day to look forward to and chill.

Southpaws · 18/09/2014 18:27

Oh my god OP you just can't go through with the threat. She isn't even 4 yet, she is so so little. When I read the post that said she was 4 I was actually sitting open mouthed that someone would go through with that for a tiny child.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 18:31

No she's only 4, I thought she would be much older, mabey 7/8 then you have a point. But I wouldent cancel her birthday. Hide them in tge car, friends house or garage.

cerealqueen · 18/09/2014 18:32

Wow, you are strict. She's only 3! Hide everything up high where she can't reach, simple. Even my Dp likes to look for presents and he's in his 40s.

mellicauli · 18/09/2014 18:33

Err..no...you need to back away from this threat. There's always the one last chance and the saying sorry. Little quiet chats and promises for the future.

Did you ever consider that you making this threat that you don't really want to carry out and your child being able unable to contain their desire to see their birthday present are both manifestations of poor impulse control?

It does seem mightily unjust to punish your child for an offence you are also guilty of yourself?! Especially as they are only 4?

So what if she sees her presents? Choose to have a nice time and be happy.

CromerSutra · 18/09/2014 18:33

Soloman I agree, you can actually apologise and admit that you made a mistake in making the threat but you felt cross. Explain why, say that of course you are not going to cancel the birthday and then hide the other bits somewhere inpenetrable!

Armi · 18/09/2014 18:33

Poor kid.

Hulababy · 18/09/2014 18:33

Of course you can't cancel a birthday!
What an awful thought, even worse at just 4 years old.
Yes, if you do, she will definitely remember it and quite possible learn a lesson - but I am not sure it would be the lesson you would want her to learn to be honest.

I don't really see the big issue anyway. If she finds her presents now - tomorrow she will have no surprises tomorrow. That would be "punishment" enough surely? Why would she need more than that?

When you are little birthdays and Christmas are so exciting. The waiting is almost more exciting than the actual day, hence the not being able to contain herself and not remembering to do "the right thing."

Get better at hiding - out of reach, out of sight.

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