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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel childs birthday?

141 replies

LandOfWishfulThinking · 18/09/2014 17:35

Childs birthday is tomorrow.

After a lot of excited waiting, with one day to go, it seems to have all got to her.

This morning she searched the house and located a present unwrapping it. She was told off, and told that she shouldn't look for presents and open because then there's nothing for tomorrow. "Okay mum"

But the search continued, and she's now found her birthday cards - in my sock drawer (so shes actively searching not randomly stumbling across). She then found a few cake decorations for her cake Im making tonight in a different place. Im very annoyed now so Ive told her, if she continues to search and she finds one more thing - her birthday is cancelled.

Its not an empty threat, but I am wondering just how okay it is to actually carry it out. And to what extent? So no presents and she has to wait another day? Cancelling family visiting (theyre close to us so it wouldn't be a issue to cancel, just upsetting to her and probally a little to them) Completely cancelling?

Hopefully touchwood there will be no more searching and it wont get to that.
But if it does, AIBU to carry it out?

OP posts:
Jux · 18/09/2014 19:11

I don't think you're Satan! Just a bit stressed perhaps, and exasperated at your dd's boundary testing. One thing which will have a consequence to her is that the present she has unwrapped will not be a surprise for her tomorrow, and she now knows she has cards instead of wondering if she has (and whether there are lots or one or two....).

I think children of her age don't have much of a stop button, so it is really really hard for them to inhibit a behaviour. They want to search for presents? It's incredibly difficult for them not to. The inhibition filter is developing in their brains at this age (from what I can remember of my degree!) so expecting so much control at such an exciting event is physiologically beyond them.

As you say, hide them better (but not so well you can't find them - dh and I do that!).

Next year she'll be a bit better at holding herself back, but she won't be brilliant at it, so have a reasonable consequence ready, as she'll also be a bit better at searching Grin

Happy 4th birthday SmallLandOfWishfulThinking. Cake[balloons]

KnackeredMuchly · 18/09/2014 19:14

"You were a very naughty girl when you stopped listening to Mummy. You did the wrong thing and I'm very sad with you. Mummy just wanted you to have a special day.

But Mummy was wrong when she said she would cancel your special day. Because as excited as you are, I am also excited you are turning 4 and becoming a big girl. I shouldn't have said you couldn't have a birthday but i had worked hard and you made me sad. Mummies and daughters can both make mistakes."

You think it's a good message to tell your daughter that she can do the wrong thing but you are perfect?

Bulbasaur · 18/09/2014 19:16

All that you will teach her is that her mummy is so stubborn that when she gets it wrong she still won't back down. Lovely lesson to learn.....

My mother was like this. It didn't teach me anything except that my mother was irrational and I couldn't trust her for stability when I needed it as a small child. Trust me when I tell you, you do not want the relationship me and mother had. She did a lot of damage and it took us years as adults to rebuild our relationship.

Really, can't you just put her presents in the boot of the car? It's not hard to hide presents from a 4 year old. She's 4. Use your adult brain and put presents where she can't find them. Not that difficult.

grocklebox · 18/09/2014 19:18

you can't go through with a threat you know you shouldn't have made just to save face in front of a tiny child!
This situation is of your making, but its not all about you.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 18/09/2014 19:24

Is it me? why do people even tell a child it is their birthday in X days. A three four five year old has no concept of time whatsoever. Birthdays were only announced on the day.

clippityclop · 18/09/2014 19:35

Birthdays are the days we celebrate the fact that our children are in the world, along side us faults and all. Cancel and she'll never forget it, you'll cause all sorts of bother with friends and family explaining it all and what on earth are you actually do on the day if you don't celebrate? So she's three, she's excited, a bit cheeky and nosey ie completely normal for that age. I'd put my serious voice on, ask her does she like surprises and fun, does she know that poking about spoils all that for everyone, and make sure she knows never to do it again and says sorry. Explain that if she really means it you'll be able to have her celebration. Then hugs all round, have a great day and hide the stuff in the boot of the car next year!

OraProNobis · 18/09/2014 19:37

Admit has a point. I think a lot of the time the parents are doing it for themselves not the child. And I still think this particular adult must have been heavily hinting about hidden presents to motivate such a young child to go searching. I'm afraid, OP, that whoever up there said you're a drama queen was bang on the money.

Original poster
LandOfWishfulThinking · 18/09/2014 19:38

I don't own a car. Or an attic which I would totally use for this otherwise.

Im going to listen to the distract until bedtime. Were almost there.
And earlier posts about kids needing immediate responses are right, I made this threat at lunchtime, I suspect shes largely forgotten it in all honesty.

And yes, I am stressed. Well and truly, and hence, I shall now be bowing out on this thread now. Not alot of point in still arguing now the end is nigh.

As for no family to tell me to 'get a fucking grip', grandma has been threatening to not come tomorrow for all month. But she is the Queen of empty threats

OP posts:
Original poster
LandOfWishfulThinking · 18/09/2014 19:41

Nope. No hinting of hidden presents. However, she did see the shopping bag yesterday. I don't have the time to child-free shop! So she does know that a mysterious item was delivered yesterday.
I do need to find a solution of being able to sneak them into the house a different manner, totally right on that one

OP posts:
GiveTwoSheets · 18/09/2014 21:10

Black bin bags! I done it a xmas I had xmas presents wrapped in my bedroom in black bin liners tied up for about a month my almost 3yr at time did bat a eye lid.

SolomanDaisy · 18/09/2014 21:25

The advice to not tell children their birthday is is frankly bizarre. Even three year-old s know when their birthday is.

WandaDoff · 18/09/2014 21:36

On top of wardrobes in boxes/bags/whatever seems to be the best bet with my children, or somebody elses house entirely.

If they can get into it then they will IME.
So you have to be extra sneaky Wink

Nicola19 · 18/09/2014 21:46

I don't tend to think, bugger, I can't carry out that threat OP very often, because I am very careful what I threaten with.

Your folly has been to issue this wild threat in the first place.

Please don't worry about being seen to follow through by her on this occasion. You need to think of a load of more appropriate threats to have at the ready for naughty behaviour in future. Most of the posters here are telling you Too Harsh!

littlejohnnydory · 18/09/2014 22:00

OMG, I wouldn't cancel it is she was 14 - but 4!!

Gruntfuttock · 18/09/2014 22:35

What an upsetting and depressing thread, particularly as the OP has clearly stated she won't take any notice of anyone saying she's wrong. The poor little girl is only turning 4 for goodness' sake! Just unbelievable and I wish I'd never read this thread at all. I dread to think what punishments the OP will think fit to dole out as the child gets older. Where's the love? What the hell happened to wanting to see your child happy and to know that she's loved?
It's absolutely fine to admit it to your child if you've gone too far and to apologise. It's, as others have said, a good lesson, that even parents make mistakes, that it's right to 'back down' if needs be and say sorry. We're all fallible.

So sad.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/09/2014 22:44

yes you are she's 4 a baby. You can't cancel her birthday.! because she will remember and expect it to be thrown up an argument when she's older. She saw a present an opened it and if other people say their 4 y.o would not do that they're deluded. Find a better hiding place next time.

auntilin · 18/09/2014 22:55

please, no parent would really cancel their 4yr olds birthday?Sad

or any other birthday for that matter, because they looked/opened their own presents? Sad

this is emotional abuse. Sad

Greyhound · 18/09/2014 22:56

You can't cancel her birthday!

feathermucker · 18/09/2014 23:09

That's bloody awful!

Life lessons?! Plenty of time for life lessons when she does something that's actually serious, not something that's been born from over excitement!!

You should have hidden the bloody presents better!

She's 3 turning 4, there's a limit to the amount of understanding she has vs her excitement levels.

It sounds to me that you're intent in following through with your threat , but it's less about actual punishment and more about "what mummy says goes!"

Sad, very sad Angry

wheresthebeach · 18/09/2014 23:22

The person in the wrong here is the adult making extreme threats. Not the 3 year old getting carried away. Excited 3 year old not behaving well - understandable. Adult issuing nasty threats - not so much. What's wrong with time out? What's wrong with removing privileges?

Your mistake in issuing such huge threats is a much bigger error in behaviour then your daughters.

Man up and apologise. Decide on appropriate sanctions and don't let your anger carry you away. At least she was carried away by excitement; not nastiness.

You seem incapable of admitting you've made a mistake. There's a great life lesson to teach your kid.

Gruntfuttock · 18/09/2014 23:28

Sadly, I'm quite sure the OP isn't reading any of these pleas. She's too determined to carry out her threat. It's horrible.

Morloth · 18/09/2014 23:35

Dude, she is 4 chill the fuck out.

Surfsup1 · 18/09/2014 23:42

My kids did this. I didn't cancel Christmas but I did remove the present they had opened (after many warnings not to open anything) and make them take it up to the Salvos and donate it.

Seemed like a pretty fair punishment to me and they will never do it again!

annielouisa · 18/09/2014 23:44

I feel sad for your DD not about this ill thought out threat but how will the OP discipline in future.

We only have our children for a while as young people and the relationships we build with them determine whether we are able to share positive relationship with them as adults

Isabeller · 18/09/2014 23:46

Part of the self discipline we need to learn in life is not saying nasty things unless we are really really sure it is the right thing to do.

It's tough doing something that felt right at the time (like threatening to cancel a birthday) and then getting seriously told off.

Hope OP can learn from this and hope everyone enjoys a lovely birthday Flowers