Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You! Yes you interfering cow in Boots!

135 replies

grobagsforever · 18/09/2014 14:39

No my baby was not too hot under a shade. I only put it on whilst in the air conditioned shop! I have had enough of friends and family interfering with the parenting of my children since DH died without strangers chipping in. I'm 33, smarter than you'll ever be and she's not my first baby.

You have now made me cry in public. Thanks.

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 20/09/2014 15:24

I wouldn't say 'fuck off' if there were children in the vicinity, but I might if there were only adults around.
If you don't want people to get annoyed with you then don't be annoying.

ghostland · 20/09/2014 15:59

Amateur psychologist here but I honestly think that a lot of these comments say more about the people making them than the subject of the comments. Most come from older people (old women in particular) and imo it is because a) they are lonely and don't speak to people much so any kind of communication is better than none b) because they are older they subconsciously feel more invisible to society so make comments to attract attention to themselves, c) they are jealous that they are no longer young and fertile so criticism is a form of jealousy.

ithoughtofitfirst · 20/09/2014 16:07

I mostly agree ghostland i definitely think that's the case a lot of the time. Just to add though i have an aunt who has just always been like it as long as i've been around and my mum reckons she's always been like it. I just think she's a bit stupid in her case.

hmc · 20/09/2014 16:16

Ah grobags - I don't think what the woman said was so terrible but understandably you are pretty fragile right now. Hope you are okay Thanks

Hakluyt · 20/09/2014 19:09

Jesus Christ- just listen to yourselves!

PacificDogwood · 20/09/2014 19:34

Hakluyt, I don't disagree with the point you are making. Maybe this is not the thread for you?
I'd hate to tell you who it was that offered condolences on the arrival of healthy DS4 because he was a boy… .
Clichés tend to be there for a reason.

LadyLuck10 · 20/09/2014 19:37

I think you were very oversensitive op but understandably so! You're very fragile now, and something like this can really tip you over even though it's not the intention. Most people generally think they're being helpful, I don't think anyone sets out to deliberately hurt the next person. Hope your doing much better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2014 19:42

Indigo18... that is just unbelievably rude of the woman. How horrible for your son.

Icedfinger · 20/09/2014 19:57

Have had lots of interfering know it alls over the last 15m. Some favourites:

DD was a week old, we were out for our first walk and she was still a bit jaundiced. An old man said I shouldn't be outside with her as she was looking tanned and that must be bad. I replied it's jaundice and walked away.

In August, was in town shopping, it was a grey but not cold day. An old lady insisted that DD was cold and needed a blanket!

A colleague at work who heard I was still breastfeeding my then 8 month old 'I think she's had enough of that now, don't you? Look at her thighs'. Luckily I was in a good mood and said 'I know, gorgeous aren't they, and to think it's all down to me!' Haven't told her that I'm still feeding 7 months later!

Some comments have made me cry, why do we judge each other instead of supporting?

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 20/09/2014 20:07

Some of these responses don't really paint the respondees in a particularly flattering light....

Anyway, my unwanted advice at soft play hell was a doozy....DS1 is deaf and uses sign language. When I was signing to him, a random (middle aged, not old Grin leaned right into my face and said "if you do that he will never learn to talk". I just said "well that's your opinion" but I was thinking fuck off on the inside of my face Smile.

I've had lots of unsolicited advice, particularly related to bringing up DC with SN, over the years, some helpful, some useless and irritating but I try and not stoop to their level by swearing or being aggressive in public in front of my DC, and I could never swear at an older person, I'd feel awful. That makes me sound horribly priggish but my mantra is "be nice twice" and it keeps me calm. Sometimes Grin

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 20/09/2014 20:11

On the other side of the coin, I was eating in a fairly posh London hotel restaurant with DC and they were tired from travelling, it was hard work keeping them occupied as the food took about ten years to arrive. As we were leaving a gentleman came over to me and said "I just wanted to say how well behaved your kids were, a pleasure to watch" and I felt so pleased, it also made up for the advice and judging over the years! He was kind.

WoodliceCollection · 20/09/2014 20:27

OP: sorry you had to deal with unsolicited unhelpfulness.

Others: Do you really find it that hard to tell the difference between "Would you like some help?" and "Your baby is too hot/cold/hungry/loud"? One of those is offering help, the other is being an arsehole. See if you can guess which.

stopgap · 20/09/2014 20:38

Just to offer the other side of the coin, in my worst moments I have encountered such lovely kindness from strangers. When DS1 was a colicky baby, we flew from the US back to England and he screamed for much of the night flight. The lady behind us offered to walk him up and down the aisle. DS1 is now three, has some sensory issues, and recently we did another night flight (the last!) with him, and he screamed and cried for 2.5 hours as he couldn't fall back asleep, and again, offers to use iPads, and people coming up to me afterwards, offering words of consolation and orders to get some rest, were forthcoming.

davidjrmum · 20/09/2014 20:42

"b) because they are older they subconsciously feel more invisible to society so make comments to attract attention to themselves, c) they are jealous that they are no longer young and fertile so criticism is a form of jealousy."
I'm assuming you're still fairly young ghostland! Being close to 50 just wanted to comment on your ridiculous middle aged women stereotyping. Most women I know that are my age are feeling more confident and comfortable in their own skin than they've felt all their lives and certainly aren't looking to attract attention - in fact one of the benefits of being 50 is being taken more seriously at work for example, rather than men just thinking you're there to ogle or flirt with. And I'm absolutely delighted to no longer be fertile - I've got 3 children and have absolutely no wish to have any more!

MrsDeVere · 20/09/2014 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/09/2014 23:32

I think she probably meant well but hit a raw nerve. I'm sorry for your loss.

4boys78 · 20/09/2014 23:54

Generally any stranger involvement has been helpful like the older lady offerring to hold lo whilst I packed shopping or vice versa.
Also lady who pointed out hat was on face not head. Now you know why I now have a parent facing pushchair.
However, the funniest one was from an older man at church praising me for breastfeeding. Fab until he said that it means your dh doesn't have to get up.

4boys78 · 20/09/2014 23:55

sorry for your loss.

FreeWee · 21/09/2014 00:04

ChunkyPickle lovely story

MrsMogginsMinge · 21/09/2014 02:05

My favourite technique, which I plan to further utilise after Baby Moggins' arrival, is simply to smile and offer some equally unwanted advice in return (red really isn't your colour/that haircut doesn't suit you/you wear too much blusher) and then, when the interferer inevitably look a bit confused, follow it up with: oh I'm so sorry, you didn't ask for my opinion. HOW RUDE OF ME.

ArsenicFaceCream · 21/09/2014 02:46

Old bag?
Arsehole?
Bitter?

Listen to yourselves for god's sake. There is a nasty misogynistic/ageist flavour to this thread.

It was an unsolicited and misplaced attempt to be helpful. Not aggressive or OTT.

The woman didn't know that OP is raw with with grief and not feeling too reasonable.

Would you all really tell someone to 'fuck off' in this situation? How gracious.

Bulbasaur · 21/09/2014 03:21

When people give me unsolicited advice, I smile, nod, tell them "I'll keep that in mind", and go back to doing what I was doing. They don't mean any harm by it.

Honestly though, most people just tell us how gorgeous DD is. To be fair, she is ridiculously good looking. :)

ithoughtofitfirst · 21/09/2014 04:36

bulbasaur mwahaha yeah bias aside mine is a bit of a looker too. He has an afro which is generally a bit of a crowd pleaser.

CheerfulYank · 21/09/2014 04:52

I used to get "that baby needs a hat!" sometimes, but that's about it.

In my experience, it was always older women. But on the other hand, any time anyone said "oh what a lovely baby, what a good job you're doing", etc etc, that was always an older woman too.

Also I did get snide comments from young women with children but not of the same sort.

My conclusion is that, old or young, there are just some people who feel that doing something a different way than they did is a criticism of them.

Some older people will merely say " oh it's different than in my day" but it's just a statement, not a criticism. We have a friend who is 101 and she is never anytjing but lovely about my kids.

And then others my mother will say "well I didn't do that and you didn't die!" In an accusatory tone, but she is like this about anything different, not just parenting. Fwiw my mother is also 54, not at all old.

elportodelgato · 21/09/2014 05:27

I posted about this at the time it happened: when dd1 was little we were on a bus, it was her nap time and she was having a bit of a grumble before falling asleep. I had learned that it was best to let her have a little cry and she'd drop off pretty quickly, no dramas, but picking her up just made her more tired and cross. However, some woman in the bus starts tutting and shaking her head, looking at my crying DD in this pitying way and eventually tells me that she 'can't bear to hear children cry, it's just like that poor Baby P' Blush two was only about 6 months after that awful case had been in the news and we live around that area.

She got some choice words.

Swipe left for the next trending thread