To be extremely pissed off with my midwife

[Random1999]

basically I asked for an extra appt with my midwife to discuss somethings I had on my mind (in particular if my pregnancy is high risk, due to the fact I'm only 15, where I can give birth as im 19 miles from any hospital that has a labor ward, if homebirthing is an option etc) we then got onto the subject of breast feeding and life in the first few days after birth. these were some comments she made.
"you wont breast feed because you are too young" "it would be stupid to try to breast feed you will most likely get post natal depression and it would make you suicidal with the extra pressure as opposed to if you bottlefed" "You shouldnt even try to breast feed it doesnt matter what you want its about whats best for baby" as a whole im very annoyed, frustrated, a bit angry and quite insecure now :( Am i being sensitive or is she just a dick? IMO shes unprofessional at best.

I dont know why people are banging on about education, would you say this to a pregnant women who is in a work place.

Education isn't everything. The OP has plenty of time to get qualifications and a career she wants.

Random please stop. (Some) People here are being judgemental, this is something you are going to come across again and again. Sadly the only way through is to grow a thicker skin. It's hard to do but you need to look to yourself. If you are happy you are doing everything you can for you and your child then the opinion of judgemental others is unimportant and certainly not worth getting stressed about. Some people will come to you with well thought through ideas and suggestions, listen to them. The people who come to you with assumptions and prejudices need to be shrugged off. It's totally understandable that it makes you angry of course but you have no need to defend yourself to randomers on the Internet! You have your head screwed on, you're thinking ahead, you're being realistic and you have that bit of a bloody minded streak. You have the tools you need to make a success of this. Don't let anyone make you question that.

Fwiw I was treated as the stupid young mum who got herself up duffed when I was 19! They were wrong. I enjoyed showing them that

Random

You don't have to explain yourself here - ok.

I imagine the posts are getting to you but honestly don't worry about looking bad - it can really hit your self-esteem a thread like this. I am an hairy arsed scary 30+ lady and a flaming on here has had me in tears before now.

Someone up thread said about contacting a children's centre - that is a brilliant idea. Non judgemental, advice if you want it and support. Plus some have midwives attached who have a bit more time to get to know you.

if anything it makes me want to NOT post on here again, i do talk to a few lovely ladies on here but i dont think you will see much of me on the boards anymore, I am trying to get in touch with a few agencies, but thank you all the same :) x

It may not be illegal but the op (or her family)is under no obligation whatsoever to comply with their investigations nor to provide them with any proof unless they have grounds to start the SAO process and it sounds like they don't have grounds,the op has clearly pointed out that she is in fact receiving an education (one that sounds autonomous but actual work based as opposed to learning from her environment).

The LA have no legal right to automatically investigate.

It also sounds like her choice and that she has support in that choice.

Random you are awesome , you're gonna be a great Mum and look out world when you're 21!

Random, good luck with your baby and I'm sure everything will go well :)

Oh Random, please don't leave MN due to the ignorance and spite of others.

One poster in particular has hounded and harrassed you on this thread. Sadly, she will not be the first "Mrs Bucket" type who feels it is her right to cast judgement due to your age.

I had DD1 before I left school, and DD2 a couple of years later. Even now (I am mid 30s) people pass judgment on me. My best response to them is introducing my daughters - who are so well spoken, intelligent, polite, generous of spirit and KIND - they are brought up far far better than the Mrs Bucket types on this thread.

Let that be your last laugh. Forget the mean spirited types and love how your children bloom into wonderful adults.

Random, I can see that I have contributed to your upset.

I must repeat: I do not think you are a criminal. I do not think you are doing anything wrong. I simply have received the impression from your threads that you are receiving very dodgy advice and support, educationally.

You don't have to take my advice- but you are a fellow human being, on a path not that dissimilar to mine. And it seems wrong to me to let you find the potholes for yourself, when I know where they are.

I didn't take the conventional path myself, and I now try to support others with it. I have a friend who left the parental home at 13. Friend's school education was pretty disrupted. Friend had to take a couple of years out due to health issues and other reasons. This friend returned to education last year, at age of 19. TODAY, friend found out they couldn't get support with completing their level 3 courses this year. It doesn't matter that my friend is completing their first level 3 course, or that friend is a care-leaver, and all the issues of that meant friend just wasn't ready before. They're 20 this year. Full stop. Huge problem.

So I am concerned that the plan seems to be for you to begin at 18 or 19 yourself. And I think your advisors should be facilitating your access to external sources of education before then.

Piper if the woman was 15, not only would I be concerned about her education, I'd probably report her employers for violating employment law.

I used to be a teen specialist midwife.

Its true that teen breastfeeding rates aren't very high but this is because most teens choose not to breastfeed from the beginning. Quite probably because of lack of confidence and/or support.

If a 15yo chooses to attempt to breastfeed its no more difficult for her than for a 30yo who chooses the same.

Your midwife sounds like she made some daft comments. Hope you find someone who can support you better.

Why be concerned. Uni and collages are not just for the young.

I'll be 17 starting college... hardly bloody ancient.

Piper, I expect that's why the government cut funding this year to FE colleges for 19 year olds. The price rises for courses for 20+ and 24+ were astronomical. £580 per year of ONE A-level in one case. That's £1160 per A-level. I know of a few people priced out.

Also not so keen on us returning to Victorian values of child labour, and young people being disadvantaged through life due to limited educational opportunities. Stuff like that. You know.

I was a young teen mum and breastfeeding was and still is the best thing I've done in my life, just bliss. One thing about being young is that you're used to your body changing, it has been changing constantly for the last few years due to puberty. I also encountered some weird attitudes towards me doing it, thankfully my mum came round at the birth and was able to offer some support. I hope you have or can find someone to support you. Good luck.

Piper, I'm going to try a and artiulate why your posts bother me as clearly as possible.

You appear to be suggesting that when a child has problems with school/education, whether because of SEN, illness or abusive/unsupportive family, etc, they should be left to it by wider society. So, basically any child who doesn't have a family to fight their corner on their Right to Education (yes, it's a right) will lose out.

I take exception to that. I really bloody do. It isn't cool or hip to write disadvantaged people off. Children are entitled to education- we fall short of that as a country enough as it is.

Wow. If my teenage daughter was on the receiving end of some of these comments I'd not be very happy. MRSMATURIN, you seem to have gone out of your way to be a arsehole to the Op. She's posted about an issue with her midwife. The midwife should have given her the advice she wanted and left her age out of it. And so should you. She's not obliged to explain herself to you. You said yourself you wouldn't question an older mum in this way and tried to justify that by saying that the ops age was the driver behind the midwives statement. I think it's clear to most people reading this that DISCRIMINATION was the driver behind the midwives statement and its the driver behind your statements also. An older mum would've torn you to shreds and you know it.

Have you looked at the NCT breastfeeding info or La Leche League?

I don't know if there are any Doulas in your area but they are a kind of non-medical midwife, trained and experienced at supporting women through birth and in the early days with a baby. There's a very good low cost scheme which I nearly took advantage of but my baby arrived very early by emergency C section so I didn't even get to antenatal classes!

Op, I know in my area the SureStart centres all run teen pregnancy groups with staff that understand the more common age-related issues, and where you would get support in dealing with people's attitudes!

The teen mother group in my local centre has set up an allotment that their toddlers help with, they do subsidised day trips, they get specialist advice... And there are currently two on the Parents Group (helps run the centre). They can also give you more advice and info on breast feeding if you want it.

Your local centres will have a website and hopefully list their groups - if not you can call them and ask. You can attend any SureStart Centre, not just your local one, so that might help.

Consider carefully what is in the long term best interests of you and your child. Taking over three years out of formal education means it could be much harder to settle to steady study with a toddler.

THERE ARE NO SPECIALIST CENTRES OR GROUPS IN MY AREA EDUCATION WISE. THERES FUCK ALL I CAN DO. I HAVE TO WAIT 3 YEARS BECAUSE BEING ON ONE WAGE AND HAVING 760 QUID TO LIVE ON MEANS WE CANT FUCKING AFFORD CHILDCARE FOR ME TO PURSUE EDUCATION UNTIL MY CHILD REACHES THE MINIMUM AGE TO USE THE ON SITE COLLEGE CRECHE. for gods fucking sake moderators close this thread as its doing nothing but angering me now. I'm being told to discuss and think of stuff ive been losing sleep over, I'm making the best plans I can and im done with people questioning it tbh yeah sure call it over the top but its no ones business and i'd honestly LOVE to see one of you go through what ive been through and still be standing let alone planning a future.
Call it over the top but im finally starting to lose my goddamned shit thats to everyone with a bug up their arse on this thread.

Random Ah people just are taking a feminist perspective and want to see you in education. It is uncomfortable for mothers to see daughters have to take an education break, from a feminist perspective.

It sounds like you are being very pragmatic and have considered your options. I would concentrate on the next steps, which at the moment is your baby and delivery, for a while yet. This makes sense to me. You have to be allowed to do this. There is no point worrying necessarily, it does not do anyone any good. You can only give a certain amount of headspace to things.

You know your options, once your baby has grown a bit. And if nothing else you might want to save some of the contacts/links from this thread to organisations that can help you re. your educations when you are ready to return to it.

Until then I wish you all the best. And remind yourself, as my mother used to do in the 60s, you can dismiss everyone of the older generation because the '...times they are a changing....'

Random I do not particularly want to turn this thread into a Four Yorkshiremen "who had the hardest childhood" sketch, so I won't give details, but rest assured I did have a hell of a lot of crap when I was your age, and I did try to plan a future anyway. Some of my goals I achieved, and others I didn't.

That is why I am on this thread. I can't go back in time to learn from my own mistakes, but you can.

I understand the issues of childcare- I couldn't return to education until 1 year post-birth. Given your age though, you have an entitlement to support. I am wondering whether you could get funding to do a course via distance learning. I don't have concrete experience of such a request being granted, but it's worth asking the LEA if they will do that, as they can't give you a place at a unit within travelling unit. IMO, the demands of having a young baby rule out anything very intensive- that's why you'd get maternity leave if you were in employment. But it might be possible for you to do something to keep your hand in.

Given you're no longer with your mother, have you managed to transfer the child benefit your mother would claim for you to where you're living? Can your boyfriend's dad claim it and pass the income to you?

I do not wish to upset you or make you feel persecuted. I just wish that someone who had "been there, done that" had been there for me when I was 15.

OP - what people have been trying to explain to you is that you have a legal right to an education and you're not getting all you could at the moment. The more you get, the better life you will be able to build for you and your child. It is going to be really, really hard to get back in to formal education after 3-4 years out. I do wish you could find another way.

I know right now everything seems very sorted and you have your boyfriend and he has a job and there's his family home and people give you stuff for the baby and everybody makes the best of the situation.....however, parenting is life long and you describe a lot going on in your life right now. You are both very young and whilst young parents make excellent parents they do need more support. I think you are more vulnerable than you think. You need RL help and to get back to the start of this thread, atm your midwife is a prime source for that. If there is no specialist teen team in your area then why isn't a teen midwife coming over to see you? Is that something to ask for perhaps?

OP what I would do, if I were you, is save the advice on this thread re. contacts/ organisations to help with your education, until you are ready to look at it.

View it as you would with anything in your future. Some decisions you have to focus on making now. Some decisions you save to make later. This is what everyone does. Those that don't get stressed!

You seem happier on concentrating on your immediate future now, which is the imminent arrival of your baby and getting ready for that. So do this. Put away the useful information on the thread for a time when you need it. Job done.

Looking on the positive side of things, you have options, should you wish to pursue them...