To be extremely pissed off with my midwife

[Random1999]

basically I asked for an extra appt with my midwife to discuss somethings I had on my mind (in particular if my pregnancy is high risk, due to the fact I'm only 15, where I can give birth as im 19 miles from any hospital that has a labor ward, if homebirthing is an option etc) we then got onto the subject of breast feeding and life in the first few days after birth. these were some comments she made.
"you wont breast feed because you are too young" "it would be stupid to try to breast feed you will most likely get post natal depression and it would make you suicidal with the extra pressure as opposed to if you bottlefed" "You shouldnt even try to breast feed it doesnt matter what you want its about whats best for baby" as a whole im very annoyed, frustrated, a bit angry and quite insecure now :( Am i being sensitive or is she just a dick? IMO shes unprofessional at best.

Wow random, that was a bit OTT. Yeah you might not have just been talking about bf but some folk actually think it would be helpful to let you know that it's not as scary as your mw was making out.

Random, I'm a former teenage pregnancy midwife. Congratulations and best wishes for your pregnancy.

It's always hard to comment on a conversation that we haven't actually heard. On the face of it her comments are unbelievably rude and odd. One thing I will say is that I do have experience of one person saying something and the other person hearing something quite different. Not saying that's what did happen but the exact comments you are repeating are pretty extreme. If you aren't happy ( clearly not), do definitely ask to see someone else. And yes to asking if there is a dedicated teenage pregnancy midwife or team. They are likely to be much more supportive.

IME younger mums have a lot of challenges to face, some of which relate to their age, relationships, housing and money. What they do need is support. That, IME is one of the biggest factors in how they cope with birth, breastfeeding and mothering in general. That includes support from family, partners and professionals.

I really admire your foresight in trying to plan ahead. You go with your wishes and very best of luck. Of course you can breastfeeding, you have the same anatomy as any other woman. Some succeed, some find it hard. Those who never try don't know either way.

I take questioning me regarding future parental difficulties and challenges as offensive. Maybe that's just me.

Bloody hell, can't quite believe some of the "support" you're getting on here OP.

Firstly, your midwife was out of line. It was hugely counterproductive of her to plant seeds of doubt in that way. If you want to, you can ask to see a different one, but try to forget about her rudeness in any case.

Secondly, I don't believe that ANY first time mum (or dad for that matter) can ever be fully cogniscent of the impact a baby will have on their life. But, forewarned is forearmed, and you certainly seem to be as self-aware as many (older) women. Good for you (she said patronisingly)!

Lastly, I say bollocks to anyone who doubts the ability to go back to education with a baby. I did my A level exams when my daughter was less than three months old. I started uni when she was one, and have just graduated with a first. I was lucky to have some support from my parents in terms of childcare in the beginning, but it's totally doable even without.

You seem far from stupid. I wish you all the best.

Yes being questioned about you as a parent is offensive. But I thought you blowing up about folk telling you bf wasn't bad or scary was offensive too. I remember you from your last thread and genuinely hoped then, as I still do now, that things go well for you and everything works out.

Good on you groupie.

People need to remember Durex don't take babies back - the OP will obviously face massive challenges but anything worth having takes a certain amount of sacrifice and I bet she knows that.

Random, love I wish you well x

prettypictures my comment was directed at one person not all of you!
shareacokewithnoone- thank you, it means alot :)

My DD is 16, I think any MW or HCP speaking to her like would cause her to get straight up and leave.

Formal complaint to PALs.

I think I've entered a parallel universe here - Jesus fucking wept.

Surely incidence of breastfeeding by younger mothers is rather more to do with socialisation? In any case what the midwife allegedly said (no disrespect OP; just that obviously we don't know exactly what she said) goes against all NHS advice I've ever seen. Why are some posters OK with that?

And for the record, Mrsmaturin, I had nary a clue about the challenges I would face as a mother. At 29.

I wanted to get up and walk out lord knows how i had the patience to sit there...

Thing is Random it is actually the mid wife's duty to ask a certain amount of 'nosy' questions. Obs it can be done with tact and nicely but the fact is that you are 15 and in the eyes of the law, a minor. That means the midwife would be very much derelict of her duty to not check that you are supported, housed and cared for.

You sound very together, making plans and (although you haven't said so) with family support so that's great. A lot of very young mums to be are not in this position and need additional support.

As I said before, I admire young mums who have to prove themselves so much harder than other pregnant women but if you can work with the midwives, health visitors etc it really will make it easier for you. And no, I'm still not condoning the breastfeeding remarks.

The world at large is very quick indeed to condemn professionals when things do go badly wrong so asking routine questions about domestic set up etc is normal and right.

Mrs, it 'may not be straightforward' (though equally it might be!) but that's no reason to tell the OP not to even try and that it would be stupid to try!!

YANBU - complain and ask for a new midwife. I complained to the director of midwives when my midwife gave me terrible advice (contradicting two other professionals - the consultant paediatrician and the lactation counsellor - just hours after I was discharged from hospital and telling me if I followed their advice to feed on demand my child wouldn't thrive). The director of midwives took it very seriously. This advice and the midwife's general attitude is equally serious.

Sorry, thought you were having a go at everyone who mentioned bf, over tired and need bed now.

Age has nothing to do with BF, I couldn't do it and I'm much older. The problem I think comes from the fact that you might still be in school or going to uni. These can make it hard to consistently breastfeed as opposed to a mother that has a few weeks off for maternity leave.

But if you want to give it a go, you should do so.

Nope, i left school last year and wont be returning to education until september of 2017, where I probably wouldn't even be breastfeeding as often, or i could express and give ready made bottles to the college creche, i'm not even sure if i will breast feed at all but was looking to give it a go, apology accepted also prettypictures

I have no advice but wanted to wish you the best of luck. You've had a patronising few posters question you in a way that I'd get good money they wouldn't do if you hadn't mentioned your age.

I hope you can find some support on here. This is a great forum. :)

Also wishing you good luck Random. You've got plenty of sense and sound better prepared to be a mum then I was at twice your age. Don't let anyone patronise you or talk down to you. And stay on mn, you'll get plenty of support.

If you feel your age is colouring people's response to you, you can always namechange and not mention it

Gosh Random, I wish you all the best too and you sound like you will be a great mother.

Not withstanding the fact that the midwife was extremely rude and abrasive in her treatment of you, she also was factually wrong:

" "You shouldnt even try to breast feed it doesnt matter what you want its about whats best for baby""

WTF! It IS best for the baby to be breastfed so I don't know why she was implying that it isn't the best. She needs re-training. She sounds completely ignorant.
Enjoy your lovely baby and live a great life; you are so young that you really can still do anything you want once your baby is in school. Dream BIG!!! xx

I'd also bet good money that i wouldnt have received patronizing comments if i'd said i was 21 or older, but meh. Thank you all, lovely ladies xxx

OP I think you sound very together. You should be getting specialist teen midwife support, not unhelpful & unprofessional comments like the ones you mentioned. Speak to the Supervisor of MIdwives tomorrow, explain what the mw said to you and state you feel unsupported and therefore do not wish that mw to be involved in your care going forward.

There is a breastfeeding topic board on this site, there's a really kind poster called tiktok who's helped lots of us over the years. This AIBU board can attract some goady/patronising types as you've already discovered.

There's loads of breastfeeding support available via the NCT (you don't have to be a member!) and via a site called Kellymom. I hope your feeding choices work out for you. FWIW I mixed fed my for 6m before moving onto just bottles/early weaning. Don't feel you have to decide either way just yet. A combination can work really well

I agree with pps that you should report the midwife.

I had my 1st at 19 and in one appointment the midwife said to me "now we need to discuss your feeding options" she then looked me up and down and said "you'll formula feed I'm sure"

Such am assumption based purely on my age! Fwiw I fed ds1 for 20 months and Ds2 for 3 years.

Congratulations and good luck... however you decide to feed

What a PP poster says makes no sense to me. If bf stats for young mums are v low, surely they should be encouraging the op and not dissuading her?

Also thought MRS comments very patronising.

mrsmaturin

Every single post you have posted on this thread has been rude. You are asking the op questions you would not get away with asking an older mother and are behaving in a very unpleasant way.

It's really quite noticeable.

The op has a better grasp of the challenges of motherhood than I did when pregnant with dd at 28. And I went back to medical school when she was 9 months old.

All you giving a vulnerable teenage mother a hard time and picking to pieces what she says are bell-ends frankly.

There are older posters who whinge and moan about far lesser slights on here all the time.

I am really surprised by this because in my pregnancy I have felt like all of the midwives I have met have been desperate to meet some kind of breast feeding target and more likely to try and shame formula mums...

Anyway, I hope you do complain OP because midwives like this one clearly need a wake up call that a woman's age doesn't give them a free pass to treat her disrespectfully. Maybe you will save future young mums from having to put up with it!

Good luck trying breastfeeding, I hope she doesn't put you off!