To be extremely pissed off with my midwife

[Random1999]

basically I asked for an extra appt with my midwife to discuss somethings I had on my mind (in particular if my pregnancy is high risk, due to the fact I'm only 15, where I can give birth as im 19 miles from any hospital that has a labor ward, if homebirthing is an option etc) we then got onto the subject of breast feeding and life in the first few days after birth. these were some comments she made.
"you wont breast feed because you are too young" "it would be stupid to try to breast feed you will most likely get post natal depression and it would make you suicidal with the extra pressure as opposed to if you bottlefed" "You shouldnt even try to breast feed it doesnt matter what you want its about whats best for baby" as a whole im very annoyed, frustrated, a bit angry and quite insecure now :( Am i being sensitive or is she just a dick? IMO shes unprofessional at best.

Random, this woman is very unprofessional. From your other post I know she behaved badly at your booking in appointment.

I would report her and insist on another one even if this means they have to travel specifically to see you.

There may also be a midwife that specialises in young mums (my friend does this) and yes you can have a home birth like anyone else and the same support to bf.

If you are keen really do give bf a good few days as its so easy and saves so much money aside from the other pros. My mil said she didn't seed my DH properly for 5 days while they both got the hang of it. He was fine. I've sent you the baby cafe links. The breastfeeding network are amazing too.

I know you will stick up for yourself as you are a bright young woman. I hope you get your new me sorted quickly.

What posters need to think about, in your opinion, is not the subject to be discussed here. You are being remarkably big headed in assuming the role of person who tells everyone else they are wrong. You are also being rude. Good luck with the clothes although I think you are being pretty short sighted if you think that's the major challenge you face.

Oh yes iggi the opportunity to eat cake and stay the same weight

seriously though OP I agree with lots of the others. Yes breast feeding can be difficult for lots of women (and babies) at first but once its established it actually makes life easier. No making up bottles at 2am, no lugging expensive tins of formula home, no going out and realising you've forgotten the bottle. Also as others have said when established it is relaxing and gives you happy endorphins.

I think you need another midwife. This is YOUR baby not hers. If this is the sort of attitude midwives are showing younger mothers then its not surprising that the breastfeeding rate is so low.

Good luck with your pregnancy. I think your baby is going to be very lucky as young though you are you come across as a sensible, intelligent and caring person and that counts for a lot in being a mum. Do what you feel best for your baby and don't let others steer you from that.

Just for the record, not in school doesn't mean no education. I am an specialist teacher who travels round teaching students with physical and mental health problems which prevent them going in to school. This is organised by the local authority and is a nationwide policy. OP left school for health reasons, this is likely what she recieves.

OP, congratulations and good luck!

Random you sound like your going to do just fine

I'd report the midwife,I had one with my 4th DC that was an arse! and I got her changed.I usually get on with everyone but she was awful.

I later found out she was having issues at home and had taken a dislike to me because I was going to be on my own with 4DC and was happy and doing well.

I couldn't have been the only one to complain neither as she lost her job not long after.

I had a home birth with my 3rd DC and it was the best decision ever.
Have a look online and type in birthing center's and see what's available in your area.

For what it's worth I've known young women as young as 13 that have had children,that have gone on to have a great life,good job,home of they're own and stayed with the father of they're baby.

They did it because they loved they're child and they were determined to prove all the neigh sayer's wrong!

Do post on her again but next time post on Chat,you get some awful replies on this AIBU.

I'd love to know a bit more about these incredulous and irresponsible posters mrs - it seems to me that most responses on here have been very considered. Some are even downright helpful.

OP, you sound great. Breastfeeding helps guard against PND due to the hormones it releases. I live in a rural area too and had an amazing homebirth. At the first sign of any issues with a homebirth, you are whizzed into hospital, whereas with the same issue in hospital, they would monitor you for some time. This means your 19 miles would be do-able. Not sure where you are in the country, but I went through One to One midwives, who were amazing. And free! I would have been really deflated by your midwife too. Good luck OP.

Sometimes I really dislike mumsnet!

Random, I think you've just met one of the biggest challenges you'll face - judgemental and patronising people who think they know your situation better than you do and who will make massive assumptions based on your age and background.

Your birth choices and feeding choices are yours to make, not for any professional, boyfriend of FIL to approve. The questions you took to your midwife are valid and sensible ones. I wonder whether your nearest town has a midwife responsible for supporting teenage mums? I would go to your GP and ask if you can be referred, if there is anything. You can usually book hospital transport to take you to appointments if you are without transport - ring the hospital to ask about this - it can be annoying and unreliable but better than nothing and will usually get you there.

I can well believe that a midwife said these things - it's naive to assume that a healthcare professional will always be sensible, knowledgable and right. I've heard some equally unacceptable comments from professionals, both as a parent and professional.

When you do get to see a decent midwife, find out if there are any peer support groups run in your area where you can find some breastfeeding support. It's great that you want to give it a go but don't let anyone get you into the frame of mind where you'll lose confidence and give up at the first problem. Nobody knows the challenges they'll face, or really graps sthe reality of being a parent before it happens, at any age.

Good luck :-)

Random you are legally required to continue education - under statutory leaving age it's enforceable by law - you can't just leave

also college will be hard to get into if you have no qualifications

lots of school have experience of pregnant pupils and there are also specialist units

does anyone know where you are and who you are living with? I would be very surprised if your school and SS were fine with you not going.

I'm sorry you feel your MW is unsupportive - complain and ask for a different one

The concern I have with approaching assessments of a persons situation with a pre-conceived ideas is that you run a very high risk of missing something.

Look at Domestic Abuse - it can happen in ANY relationship but as a newly qualified midwife I had to fight for a policy in our unit to ask ALL women because the perception was that it didn't happen to middle class women.
I won that fight thankfully (it was a very long time ago).

Being respectful to women is not 'pandering' and actually if you form positive relationships you have opportunity to make better assessments and the support is more likely to make a difference.

Totally agree with Doris, treating someone with respect will make it far more likely they'll be receptive if you offer additional support, new ideas or an alternative viewpoint. Bullying and belittling just ensures doors are slammed shut - which is not in the best interests of the patient.

Hi Random,
I hope you're still reading. I had my DD when I was 15. I left school when she was born with no qualifications, previously I'd been a straight A kind of student. I breastfed her until she was 18mths ish (so long ago I can't remember!) and at times it was challenging but no more so than breastfeeding my 18mth old DS 14 years later.

I stayed at home with her for the first couple of years and then returned to education - access course at college + Maths and English GCSE which then allowed me to go to University.

So I'm sure you are perfectly capable of doing similar if you wish to.

Being a young mother I've been on the receiving end of a lot of prejudice from professionals and people generally. It was often assumed I was less capable as a parent, possibly a bit stupid and more likely to fail at things. The difference in how I was treated when pregnant with DS at the age of 28 is just shocking.

You can't stop other people being prejudiced but you can challenge what they think both through words and actions. Remain calm and rational, explain your point of view but don't get drawn in to arguments because it ends up making you look like the immature person they believe you to be. If you feel someone is discriminatory then ask them to please remember to treat you as they would any other expectant mother and if they are incapable of that then report them. It is also important to remember that you might be more sensitive to comments because you expect prejudice so just double check yourself sometimes too.

Good luck with everything.

Hi OP.

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first. Admittedly there is quite a difference between 15 and 17 but I had so many judgments, especially from doctors and I just took it all.

Please next time a professional talks down to you calmly tell them that it isn't on. You sound pretty together for a 15 year old and I am sure that even with all the challenges you will face you will make a fantastic mother. Yes, it is going to change your life and some of it is going to be hard, but on the flip side there are positives as well and you will get through it all just like any mother has to.

If you ever want to send me a message to talk please feel free. Apart from Mrs whoever here you will receive mostly great support here and friendship. Good luck to you and honestly, I would always be more than happy to chat to you if you ever need to talk or anything.

Also is it really that difficult to grasp the school situation? Plenty of people home school so I imagine deregistering with that purpose or similar has happened.

14-year-olds can't deregister themselves with a view to home-educating themselves.

I am aware my town has a specialised unit to provide education to under-sixteens who are pregnant, or have babies, as they understand that attending mainstream schooling is often not compatible with having a baby. The OP sounds like she has slipped through a huge hole in the net if she is being left to organise FE college for 2017.

She needs to chase this up- it's possible there is actually a specialised unit near her that she could attend, and no-one has let her know.

Jesus. I'd be extremely pissed off if my midwife said that to me and I don't think there's any good reason for her to be saying that to you just because you're 15.

(And you sound a lot older and more realistic than the average 15 yr old btw.)

Yes, ask for a different midwife.

Regarding low risk birth: the only thing I'd say is that mothers under 17 are at higher risk of having a premature baby. In which case obviously it wouldn't be a home birth as you'd need to have all the medical facilities. So you might want to have a back up plan just in case, iyswim. (Saying this as someone who had a prem baby and wasn't at all prepared).

YANBU - patronising, unprofessional, unsupportive, ageist too. I would complain.

Not only do i NOT have to justify my life to anyone but i left due to ILLNESS and was within the law when i left to educate myself, was seen as a one off by a social worker and someone from the educational authority who both agreed it was the best thing for me and I was excelling on my own watch. GCSE's arent compulsory education is, Just because i'm not in school doesn't mean i'm not educated, the law states i have to do 16 hours of education NOT school. Perfectly legal to do what I do.

FYI, there are no specialist units for another 40 miles not at all practical for me to travel that distance daily with a baby in tow what is practical is waiting until my baby is over 1 where they can attend the onsite college creche while i take a level one ADULT course, then a level two, then 3 then go onto work, apprenticing or university (the latter will depend heavily upon how my life is at the time). I havent slipped through any nets. Just planned a PERFECTLY LEGAL route for education around being a mother, Whether or not I will succeed i dont know but i'll put my blood, sweat and tears into giving it 100%. Now please leave this thread to die and stop discussing my education.

You can't educate yourself. Legally your parents remain responsible for your education.

Yes they do remain responsible to oversee what i do as long as my mother could confirm i did thats all that was needed.

I am aware that GCSEs are not compulsory. They are, however, extremely useful.

It's okay, you don't need to tell me that only education is compulsory. I am also aware of that. I am (yet another) aware of how hard it can be if your education vast far places you on the back-foot, compared to your peers.

The educational authority has a statutory duty to provide you with education. If your previous school is no longer an option, you should be provided with alternatives. They are normally not very keen on autonomous education within a family unit, so they should have been falling over themselves to provide you with options.

Could you tell me what law it is that says you have to do 16 hours of education? I'm presently unaware of any minimum thresholds for home-educated under-sixteens? www.home-education.org.uk/faq-carers.htm

*thus far

I do my work wherever I am and send my mother a folder of work for her to write a small opinion on and sign and date then send back:L I educate MYSELF which is legal, so long as i have permission to do so.

Random, you appear to think I am accusing you of being a criminal.