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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be extremely pissed off with my midwife

178 replies

Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:34

basically I asked for an extra appt with my midwife to discuss somethings I had on my mind (in particular if my pregnancy is high risk, due to the fact I'm only 15, where I can give birth as im 19 miles from any hospital that has a labor ward, if homebirthing is an option etc) we then got onto the subject of breast feeding and life in the first few days after birth. these were some comments she made.
"you wont breast feed because you are too young" "it would be stupid to try to breast feed you will most likely get post natal depression and it would make you suicidal with the extra pressure as opposed to if you bottlefed" "You shouldnt even try to breast feed it doesnt matter what you want its about whats best for baby" as a whole im very annoyed, frustrated, a bit angry and quite insecure now :( Am i being sensitive or is she just a dick? IMO shes unprofessional at best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:54

Bilberry no she isnt, the nearest clinic with any specialists in this field is two towns and a city over, i will still want a change, the last time we spoke she was lovely but the way she spoke to me today really changed my attitude

OP posts:
mrsmaturin · 17/09/2014 22:55

Can I ask you something OP?

What challenges do you expect to face as a mum?

CromerSutra · 17/09/2014 22:56

Frankly you sound fantastic op and I wish you the very, very best of luck. Yanbu at all, you have every right to express the desire to breast feed and to do so, obviously. You are clearly far from stupid. One of my very dear friends had her first child at 15. She was, and still is (she's in her 30s now) a totally inspirational mum, she now has ALOT of amazing kids now and continues to astound me with her "get on with it" attitude to life. Good luck to you xx

Adayinthelife · 17/09/2014 22:56

I agree with PPs advice about speaking to PALS. You sound so together OP, it's hard to imagine you're only 15! I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you and your baby, despite your midwifes comments. Good luck :)in

adsy · 17/09/2014 22:56

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MrsCakesPrecognition · 17/09/2014 22:57

Report her to the Supervisor of Midwives at the hospital. Her comments go against all best practice, her training, everything the team she works with is working to achieve and is, most importantly, not supporting you in your choices.

Bilberry · 17/09/2014 22:57

No, she did not address you correctly and you have now lost faith in her ability to support you. Ask for a change of midwife.

wheresthelight · 17/09/2014 22:58

Mrs - stop trying to belittle the Op. your comments thus far have been less than helpful

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:58

MrsPiggie In that statement she did call any attempt at breastfeeding stupid which i agree is slightly different although unprofessional, But the way she spoke to me was so patronizing as a whole, there were a few more comments too that i found a bit mean ("you had an accident and now you are pregnant do you want to tie yourself even tighter to the ground?" "I think you know the risks so you're being silly and putting your wants above babies" ended the convo)

OP posts:
AccidentallyInLove · 17/09/2014 22:59

Mrs - wow!!! You sound so patronising.

See a different midwife OP. Congratulations!

Bilberry · 17/09/2014 23:01

Forgot to add, you may not be able to avoid her completely as she may pop up covering another midwife or shift. You will need to grow a thick skin against unsolicited 'advise' as you will get masses of this! Weigh up what you are told dispassionately, smile, nod and ignore if necessary. An important skill for all new mothers to learn whatever their age!

PiperIsOrange · 17/09/2014 23:01

No wonder breastfeeding under 20 is so rare if they get the response the OP did.

Complain.

I know 15 is young, but you have made the choice to continue with your pregnancy and I wish you all the best.

Sorry if this advice is uncalled for, but forget education until your ban is in in full time school. You will be 19 and work your socks off to get a decent career behind you. I wish you good luck for your future.

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 23:02

Oh the challenges? everything. my life will change, for better and worse, my relationship will become pressurised to the max with the chance to fail and break under said pressure, It will be extremely hard to go through education from 2017 as i plan to, I may need extra counselling to come to terms with the life changes and alot more, including sleepless nights, 100x more effort to go out even to do shopping as by the time im ready to leave baby will poo or puke on itself, Having to sacrifice friends, alone time, makeup, gaming and other things i enjoy. but that isnt about that so if you're going to sit there and judge me for being pregnant at 15 calmly take your irrelevant argument and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 23:03

I left at 14, I planned to start college this september before i found out i was expecting, now that postponed until sept of 2017 where my baby will be old enough to get a place at the onsite creche, but thank you all the same.

OP posts:
mrsmaturin · 17/09/2014 23:03

It's not patronising to ask the OP what challenges she thinks she faces. Her reporting and interpretation of what she alleges the midwife said implies to me that she has not considered the impact of the factors the midwife raised. I'm just interested in knowing if that is indeed the case.

PrettyPictures92 · 17/09/2014 23:05

My MW said the same to me when I was 16 and pregnant with my first. I bf from the start with no problems and continued until my dd was 18 months and fell pregnant with my son, who I then also bf. Ignore her, she's a bitch Flowers

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 23:06

FOR FUCK SAKE.
I said i'd like to give breastfeeding a go, not that i want to do it for a long time but rather try it for one day if it doesnt work out i will have my back up plan, formula.
and yes you patronised by asking what challenges i feel i will face during motherhood not during breastfeeding, this wasnt even about breastfeeding this was about the way she spoke to me not the points raised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 23:07

Saying you want to give go-karting a try isnt like saying you want a rally license is it??

OP posts:
Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 23:08

That aside, thank you for those who commented in realisation that it was not about breastfeeding rather my midwife as a qualified professional who i feel did not behave professionally in unwanted and unwarranted comments. Thanks again all x

OP posts:
Bilberry · 17/09/2014 23:09

Random yes there are lots of challenges but also a beautiful baby, the joy of your heart. Those sleepy exhausted 3am feeds are also so special - just you and your baby alone in the world. You are young and have more energy than older mums like me. You will have a companion through life and freedom in your 30s. Don't get too bobbed down in the fight to forget what a special time it is!

ThatWasThat · 17/09/2014 23:13

I breast fed for 4 months as a teen mum some years ago. No-one helped me or tried to stop me, I just knew it was the better option and wanted to do my best by my baby (who is now grown up, healthy and independently successful). Do your best to bf, remember it can take at least 10 days to get the hang of it, and it needs patience and know that you are no different to any other mum in many ways (more energy and resilience, maybe less cash).

BeCool · 17/09/2014 23:13

Breastfeeding CAN be a perfectly normal, easy, relaxing experience despite what you might read online.

Congrats Flowers OP, and yes you should sack the midwife.

mrsmaturin · 17/09/2014 23:13

OP - it's going to be a long old road if you take every question or conditional statement as a criticism that needs to be eliminated......

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 17/09/2014 23:14

YANBU

you should absolutely report her

Fwiw I have bf all of my babies and I was not much older than you when I had my first, breastfeeding can be difficult but it can also be easy (for me it was easy but it was also incredibly important to me) the only thing that matters is that you do what you choose and that you feel supported

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 17/09/2014 23:15

Is it only me that thinks the op is sounding more mature than mrsnmaturin?