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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DDs father is being cruel to her, and to make a stand on her behalf?

112 replies

BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 21:58

I posted a few days ago about exH refusing to allow 7 yo DD to attend activities/parties on 'his' weekends even though she has anxiety/confidence issues and selective mutism and the activities would help to boost her self-esteem. I don't know how to link to that post, but if anyone would like to they're more than welcome to do so.

I suggested mediation to exH because while I don't want to disrupt contact, I'm also not prepared to see DD upset and her confidence undermined by his refusal to participate in her life outside of his home. We have our first session in a fortnight. In the spirit of co-operation, I asked if he'd drop DD at a party which begins two hours before she's due home at the end of his contact weekend. I said he doesn't have to supervise, I'm happy to buy the present, provide a party dress and collect her. He said he'd take her. I told DD and she was over the moon, she went running into school and told her friend (which is a massive deal for her) and we went out to buy her a present and new dress. I replied to the invitation and her place at the party was paid for by her friends mum.

The next day, exH decided that actually he'd only take her if I'll 'make up for his lost time' next weekend. We're away for a wedding where DD is a bridesmaid, which he well knows. He's trying to turn it around to be my fault to DD that she can't goto the party.

I ccould offer him extra time on another weekend but part of me thinks that why should I? He's missing two poxy hours. I miss more than that in one evening of taking DD to activities, this is the first time he's allowed her to do anything, ever.

AIBU to tell him she is going to the party now she and her friend have been told and that he can stick his 'making up time'?

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 17/09/2014 22:00

I'd let her go. It's awful to get her hopes up and then do this.

MrsWinnibago · 17/09/2014 22:01

Listen. Nod, tell him you will accomodate him and make SURE she gets to that party or he won't see her.

Bulbasaur · 17/09/2014 22:01

Play his own game. Promise him extra time. Then after the party say no.

Or be an adult, tell him he already told her yes and needs to honor his word.

LadyLuck10 · 17/09/2014 22:06

I would just for this time agree to whatever he is saying. Mediation is coming up so he can only get away with it for so long. Your dd needs to go to that party and it's a tough one but I think you should give in this once.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 22:06

Haha that is very tempting Bulbasaur, and would definitely serve him right. It isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing either - he's promised before to her that he'd take her to a sporting competition that fell on his weekend. I paid the entry fee, bought the outfit etc then he didn't take her, telling her they had more important things to do. She'd spent the day alone in her bedroom watching films while he did DIY.

OP posts:
maddening · 17/09/2014 22:06

Say he should keep to his word as it is an activity dd has chosen and remind him that you lose time to activities on your weekend - you know it's tough but that's what being a parent who puts their child first does and you're glad he is letting dd go to the party as it is a good thing for a father to do.

EverythingCounts · 17/09/2014 22:07

Agree with Bulbasaur. Tell him you'll do the two extra hours the weekend after, then you can unfortunately be delayed returning by traffic or some such, what a shame but couldn't be helped. I would also consider showing up to take her to the party though in case he 'forgets'.

Charley50 · 17/09/2014 22:08

It's all about him isn't it? Reminds me of my prick of an ex.

maddening · 17/09/2014 22:09

Ps as in don't give in. Maybe also suggest an e-calendar so all 3 of you can put in activities that dd is either required at or wants to do so he can be part of the planning - perhaps being positive yet assertive might work if he buys in to it?

EverythingCounts · 17/09/2014 22:09

Now I've read your 22.06 post, I would definitely be 'just passing' about half an hour before the party and offer to take her instead.

dalekanium · 17/09/2014 22:10

I paid the entry fee, bought the outfit etc then he didn't take her, telling her they had more important things to do. She'd spent the day alone in her bedroom watching films while he did DIY

What a fucking Twat.

gentlehoney · 17/09/2014 22:10

Tell him you will make up the time and do it (but not when it clashes with the wedding)

I can see why your ex would be upset to lose precious time with his daughter, and your daughter needs the time with him.
Maybe the hours need rearranging?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 17/09/2014 22:10

Oh op your poor dd. of course he should take her. I would promise him what he wants and then tell him about the wedding.

Hope the mediation goes well.

This is all about him controlling the females in his life.

Prick.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 17/09/2014 22:12

Yes I too would turn up to check he's taking her. He sounds horrible.

PicandMinx · 17/09/2014 22:19

Is it court ordered contact OP? If not stop all contact, don't waste your time with mediation, it won't make a difference and stand up for your daughter.

cestlavielife · 17/09/2014 22:27

Will he take her though ?
At if he doesn't? Can you pick her up,early n the day ?
Just say yes of course he e will get two extra hours his next weekend .

Username12345 · 17/09/2014 22:32

Why are you so involved in his contact time? Hmm

Doingakatereddy · 17/09/2014 22:35

I'm with picandmix.

Let him get court order, this manipulation has to stop. I was saddened by your previous post & my heart just breaks at the thought if her not going to this party. It would be too cruel.

DancingDinosaur · 17/09/2014 22:36

Probably in the best interests of their dd username. Which is entirely reasonable. As its not about him, or the op, but whats best for the child.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 22:39

How am I involved username? He has had the potential for uninterrupted quality time with her eow for years while I run around to activities, parties etc on DDs behalf all week and on her weekends with me too. Yet instead of spending quality time with her, he either palms her off or leaves her alone watching films all weekend thereby making her miss things for no good reason other than control and spite.

He won't do homework/spellings/reading though cestlavielife, so if I add two hours onto his next weekend that means she isn't home until 7 and won't have done these things ready for school and it'll be too late to do so.

OP posts:
Username12345 · 17/09/2014 22:40

Somehow I don't think OP allows the Ex to say what goes on at home in the name of the Ds 'best interest'.

PicandMinx · 17/09/2014 22:43

OP, you know it's control and spite - so why let it continue?

SunshineAndShadows · 17/09/2014 22:46

How is threatening to withhold a party his daughter is looking forward to in his daughter's 'best interests' Username?

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 22:55

I don't plan to, Pic, which is why I've asked for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by making a stand. I just don't know whether I should a) agree to extra time in the future this once but make it clear that at mediation/in court I will be clear that I think he needs to accommodate DDs life and interests too b) refuse extra time and say he has promised now, so he will be taking her, and if he does not then as far as I'm concerned he's intent on emotionally abusing our daughter so will be significantly reducing contact until court or c) cancel his weekend all together and tell him to take me to court if he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 17/09/2014 22:56

username having read the previous thread it doesn't sound like the Ex is remotely interested in what his DD does when she's at home. That's the problem, as far as he's concerned she doesn't exist as a person in her own right, just a belonging that he has the right to keep in his house EOW.