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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DDs father is being cruel to her, and to make a stand on her behalf?

112 replies

BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 21:58

I posted a few days ago about exH refusing to allow 7 yo DD to attend activities/parties on 'his' weekends even though she has anxiety/confidence issues and selective mutism and the activities would help to boost her self-esteem. I don't know how to link to that post, but if anyone would like to they're more than welcome to do so.

I suggested mediation to exH because while I don't want to disrupt contact, I'm also not prepared to see DD upset and her confidence undermined by his refusal to participate in her life outside of his home. We have our first session in a fortnight. In the spirit of co-operation, I asked if he'd drop DD at a party which begins two hours before she's due home at the end of his contact weekend. I said he doesn't have to supervise, I'm happy to buy the present, provide a party dress and collect her. He said he'd take her. I told DD and she was over the moon, she went running into school and told her friend (which is a massive deal for her) and we went out to buy her a present and new dress. I replied to the invitation and her place at the party was paid for by her friends mum.

The next day, exH decided that actually he'd only take her if I'll 'make up for his lost time' next weekend. We're away for a wedding where DD is a bridesmaid, which he well knows. He's trying to turn it around to be my fault to DD that she can't goto the party.

I ccould offer him extra time on another weekend but part of me thinks that why should I? He's missing two poxy hours. I miss more than that in one evening of taking DD to activities, this is the first time he's allowed her to do anything, ever.

AIBU to tell him she is going to the party now she and her friend have been told and that he can stick his 'making up time'?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 10:20

It is emotional abuse, he is playing mind games with your dd, it would be different if he told her an outright no, bad though it is still, at least she would know where she stands, and you can make provision for dd activities accordingly. but telling her yes she can go to the party, she's bought a present, told her friend etc, and then at the last minute no, is downright cruel and disgusting. Its not like hes' planned something nice, last time he did that she spent it at his home in her room. Lazy nasty git!

canweseethebunnies · 18/09/2014 10:29

It's not her request though is it Goblin? It's her dd's request to be allowed to go.

I'm all for letting NRP's do what they like during contact, but it's shit constantly having to tell your child that they can't attend so-and-so's party or such-and-such event because their dad won't facilitate it. As others have said, it's about putting the child first, and of course he is not 'owed' time because he has had to take her to an event.

wheresthebeach · 18/09/2014 10:34

The main aim here is to get her to that party. For her sake.
He will be told that he must do this stuff at mediation. My DH spent years running around to parties on the weekend with the DSD, DSS. It's how it goes - he never questioned it. Why would he? I'm sure a good mediator will point out that DD gets input into this as well. I'd be willing to put money on DD limiting contact if he keeps this up.

fifi669 · 18/09/2014 12:38

As long as DD is safe I'd leave it be. Changing his mind on the party was really tight on DD though.

Any activities you think she'd like to do on his weekends aren't really your business. He had her every other weekend and I imagine doesn't want that time dictated by his ex.

In future (age dependant) just tell DD it's dad's weekend she'll have to ask him. He's less likely to refuse his daughter's request than one from his ex.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 18/09/2014 12:55

'doesn't want that time dictated by his ex'?

All OP is doing is telling ExH about things DD wants to do and asking if he can facilitate that. He does, of course, have the right to say no. But saying no to reinforce the fact you've got the right to say no is mean.

fifi669 · 18/09/2014 13:26

The party thing was mean.

In general, if I were in his position and ex said to me.... DD has swimming lessons Saturday morning, a party in the afternoon and football Sunday morning, is that ok with you? No matter the fact that you've officially been asked, arrangements are still put in place for your time with your DD. Lo and behold you say no, it's your time you have other stuff planned (even if it's something more mundane) and people on MN are saying stop all contact!

User100 · 18/09/2014 13:43

But fifi it's not "your" time, it's DD's time with you. You have to do what's in the interests of the dc not what you fancy doing. It's in their interest to know how to swim, to exercise, to do social activities with their friends. That's what being a parent is about. Deal with it.

Look at it another way, if the parents were together, would the dd be attending or would it be "family time?" Most kids do do stuff at the weekend, go to parties, a swimming lesson. Doesn't change just because the parents are separated. You just slot in time together too.

Littleturkish · 18/09/2014 14:55

And there is no mention of three separate events to go to- just the normal parties and sporting competitions- ALL THINGS OP DOES WITH HER DAUGHTER HERSELF!

This stuff is FOR the children, not the adult. It's ridiculous to say you opt out on 'your' weekend. Stop contact, you can't trust him. Wait until after mediation. This guy is a prick.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 18/09/2014 15:00

He's now saying he'll only leave an hour early if I won't compensate him, meaning she'd miss half the party and be doubly anxious about being the odd one out due to being late which he well knows.

I could understand, fifi, if I planned things for every contact but it's 2-3 things per year. DD herself says theres no point trying weekend activities because he'll never take her.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 15:04

fifi it should be about the child, not what the adult wants. Don't you think its awful and abusive, to tell a child that they can go to an activity or party, let them prepare, and then say no! Its not ex dictating, its about the child and their interests. Op has to facilitate, this and so does ex.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 15:05

Its very sad that op dd says that she cannot do any weekend activities as dad wont take her, which any normal decent dad would and should!

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/09/2014 16:29

She's not with him yet is she? Just write off his contact this week. Stop being fucked around by this muppet. Take her yourself.

comedycentral · 18/09/2014 16:30

How awful, he sounds like such an idiot.

Your daughter is going to hate him when she grows up. He uses her!

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/09/2014 16:32

Is his contact court ordered? If it isn't, there is no reason for you to be going along with any of this! All it's doing is potentially messing with your dd's self-esteem and giving her an anxiety disorder.

RandomMess · 18/09/2014 16:35

Just keep her for the whole weekend then, he's gone back on the agreement for her to go therefore you can't trust him to actually take her.

abitoutofmydepth · 18/09/2014 16:36

He sounds truly awful. What a selfish, nasty man, and a very rubbish parent. Poor you and your poor dd, she really deserves better. In your place, I think I would refuse him contact that weekend, and document the discussions, print texts etc to discuss at mediation or whatever in the future.

startrek90 · 18/09/2014 17:09

please don't let your daughter go through this again. I suffered with anxiety/poor self esteem etc when I was your daughters age. My real father used to do this to me and it tore me apart everytime. I would work up the courage to go, plan it, get ready and he would let me down. I never forgot it and it made my issues worse. My heart breaks for your little girl....

Osmiornica · 18/09/2014 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/09/2014 22:31

Just came back OP to suggest that you don't negotiate with him if you agree with us about cancelling. Just tell him that he will not have contact this weekend because he has gone back on his promises yet again. Don't just insist on collecting her earlier, because we all know he would just take her out somewhere to spite you!

NoodleOodle · 18/09/2014 22:59

I would tell him she can't go to him for the weekend (is poorly or whatever you're comfortable saying). Then go stay at granny's if possible to avoid having to deal with him if he gets angry and turns up at the door. Take her to the party.

The only thing I'd say to the child is (if you went for poorly excuse for example) they feel a little hot and you're not sure if they're going to be poorly so you're keeping them under observation just in case, they'll see df soon, and shouldn't be any problem with going to the party.

Then obviously deal with things properly during mediation. Just save this party for her, it'd be such a shame if she couldn't go due to his dick-swinging power play.

fifi669 · 18/09/2014 23:56

Honestly, DON'T stop contact! As the OP says this comes up 2 or 3 rimes a year and you'd stop her seeing her dad over it?

If it's not all the time I def see your point, he's not losing much time and should be taking her to these events.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 19/09/2014 00:04

He's now saying if I don't tell him when DDs hospital appointment is (which I've already told him and he's obviously forgotten) then he won't take her to the party 'as he's deeply concerned I'm making her miss vital health appointments and he intends to attend to make sure that isn't the case.' WTF? I've managed to keep her healthy for 7 years without his interest, why on earth would I stop now and need him there?!

All this dicking about on his part makes me want to stop the weekend so it can be stress free for DD but theparty is in a public venue and iI'd put money on him turning up if I did that and spoiling it for her anyway Sad

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 19/09/2014 00:10

fifi669 - I've read the OP's other thread on this, the one where he stopped her attending an activity and a dance recital. He has done it enough for it to be emotional abuse.

I don't think anyone is saying she should prevent him from seeing her altogether - though predictable as these things tend to be, she may well find that once no-one is pandering to his bullshit he will flounce off the scene anyway... I am saying that when her dd has something to attend that she really wants to do, it's too risky to leave it in his hands. He should not have access those times.

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/09/2014 00:21

BabylonPoo He is not going to take her to that party. He is grasping for excuses not to take her. Let her go off with him on the weekend and I bet you anything she won't get to go.

He clearly thinks he holds all the cards in this scenario. You have to take your power back. I know that sounds like a wanky Oprah phrase, but it's true! Shut his drama down. Your only trouble is if his access is court ordered in which case, you need evidence, and I would start taping phone calls if you're not already.

Let him turn up at the venue. There will be plenty of witnesses. He can't exactly frogmarch her out of there. Will you have friends there? If so, let them know he could turn up and make trouble, so they can back you up. Or take your DH with you. But you have to stand up to him for your dd's sake. Because one day you won't be the buffer in between them. She'll be dealing with this shit directly. He has to learn that the world does not revolve around his every whim, that's not what parenting is.

Billynomates71 · 19/09/2014 00:22

No I would tell him to stick it, he is being a dickhead.

He should take her to the party. Being a parent is partly about letting your children participate in social activities so that they learn how to interact with others without a parent being there. What's he going to be like as she gets older and wants more and more independence? Is he going to always insist that she only spends her time with him alone? That's just fucking weird.

I read so much on here about separated parents arguing about time with the kids, and not allowing this that or the other. Poor bloody kids, caught in the crossfire.

Don't agree to this OP, or you will just be setting the scene for future for him to control you and your dd.