to think DDs father is being cruel to her, and to make a stand on her behalf?

[BabylonPoo]

I posted a few days ago about exH refusing to allow 7 yo DD to attend activities/parties on 'his' weekends even though she has anxiety/confidence issues and selective mutism and the activities would help to boost her self-esteem. I don't know how to link to that post, but if anyone would like to they're more than welcome to do so.

I suggested mediation to exH because while I don't want to disrupt contact, I'm also not prepared to see DD upset and her confidence undermined by his refusal to participate in her life outside of his home. We have our first session in a fortnight. In the spirit of co-operation, I asked if he'd drop DD at a party which begins two hours before she's due home at the end of his contact weekend. I said he doesn't have to supervise, I'm happy to buy the present, provide a party dress and collect her. He said he'd take her. I told DD and she was over the moon, she went running into school and told her friend (which is a massive deal for her) and we went out to buy her a present and new dress. I replied to the invitation and her place at the party was paid for by her friends mum.

The next day, exH decided that actually he'd only take her if I'll 'make up for his lost time' next weekend. We're away for a wedding where DD is a bridesmaid, which he well knows. He's trying to turn it around to be my fault to DD that she can't goto the party.

I ccould offer him extra time on another weekend but part of me thinks that why should I? He's missing two poxy hours. I miss more than that in one evening of taking DD to activities, this is the first time he's allowed her to do anything, ever.

AIBU to tell him she is going to the party now she and her friend have been told and that he can stick his 'making up time'?

Surely this kind of behavior on his part could result in his contact time being lowered? The decisions he's making are clearly not in your DD's best interests. Don't know what you should do but just wanted to say that I thought a judge would care about your child's development, especially given the mutism. What a git.

It isn't court ordered yet Gatorade.

I think I'll say that if he arrives there then it's very obvious he's only doing so to disrupt/upset DD/myself and as such I would then take steps to apply for a non-molestation order.

Were you the one to leave by any chance? He's trying to get back at you by punishing her. He's abusive. If there's no contact order then I'd take her myself until mediation can take place, but don't expect this to work, you can't bargain with this man, he's not interested. All he wants to do is hurt you by hurting your child and he's playing games. Access is for the child's benefit, not the parents. If she's miserable then don't send her.

Yes LadySybil, I left him after years of abuse. I think he's goading me into stopping this weekend because it's his first contact since DDs birthday two weeks ago and he's promised her all sorts so it'd give him an excuse for none of it to materialise plus he'd use it as an example when we get to mediation/court of how unreasonable I am - stopping contact when he'd planned a party etc.

He's trying to fuck with your head, Babylon. He's still being abusive. If your DD spends the weekend with him, you're not going to know whether he's taken her to the party. It's highly unlikely that he will take her, and he'll tell her something to make it sound as though it's your fault, so her anger and upset will be aimed at you. It won't matter that he's promised her things that he can't deliver, that was a couple of weeks ago and this one's far more juicy for him, he can see more potential for damage in it. You're right though, if you don't send her then he'll use it against you so you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. The poster above who said to think of a reason to turn up and take her yourself had the right idea.

Is he doing all this by text or something you can capture? Can you record it if he's on the phone? This is very nasty game playing. I am now thinking, as others have said, you should keep her home and say clearly that it is because of his repeated attempts to bargain and make threats over what he will and won't do for his daughter. As blanket says this is very obviously against DD's interests and done to dick you around. Also, Gatorade is right - if the party's somewhere public you have more protection.

I'm sure you're right and he is goading you, but the best thing is still probably to stop contact this weekend but in a non-goady way if that makes any sense. Say something showing this is about DD coming first.

All communication is saved for future reference.

I'm going to say I'll collect her from him to save him the trouble. That way he has to make zero effort and if he still dicks about then I can demonstrate that I made every attempt to be reasonable and help him out.

Wow it's a horrible situation for you. I'm expecting similar problems myself in future. It just worked out this year that DD had no parties on ex's weekends, (she's 6) but she did say to me once that if a party came up on ex's weekend she wouldn't be able to go :( I told her that there was no reason she couldn't ask ExP to take her.

I'm anticipating problems at end of year when dance concert falls on ex's weekend and DD has to arrive in full costume, hair and makeup which exp can't do.

I think you need to find the path of least grief for your DD. I know it's not nice, but it might be best to accept that she's not going to be able to do this stuff with him on his weekends. Otherwise it will drive you crazy trying to work around him and quite possibly create more stress for your DD.

Gosh he is still being abusive through your dd, using your dd to punish you. He doesent care about dd, mabey in his own twisted way, exerting control and calling the shots. As it's non court ordered, if he pisses about and messes your dd about don't have any of it. You have to set the standard that you will accept from him. She is going to that party, end of. And any show that she prepares for.

Do you really think he will let you collect your dd early - I don't think he will.

Do you feel that you can ask your dd which she would prefer to see her dad for the weekend or to miss contact so she can go to the party? How you phrase it is very important, I think her answer could be very telling to how much value she places on contact. She may well be happy with contact once per month which is set in stone and she will have to miss parties etc. for.

But isn't he already making a fuss about you giving him some hours back next weekend? Like RandomMess says, would he actually let her leave early with you?

You must have the patience of a saint to cope with all this!

It may be worth your posting in legal OP, and getting some Family Court information on what they tend to find reasonable and unreasonable. At least when you get to court he should be made to actually parent properly and take her to pre-arranged things.

Thanks for all your replies. As an update: I asked yesterday morning that he confirm he'll be home with DD when I plan to collect her. He said the earliest he'll do is half hour later, meaning she'd miss a significant amount of the party, and told me never again to make plans for his weekends or holiday time as he'll be saying a straight no to all of my future requests. I pointed out that they're DDs weekends and holiday time and her requests, and that she has a right to a say in her own life.

I said unless he could guarantee he and DD would be at home when I'd asked, she'd be staying home for the weekend to ensure he didn't spoil her plans. I said if he guaranteed it and then wasn't, then as far as I am concerned he's using DD to get at me and completely disregarding her feelings so I'd be keeping contact to a minimum until matters were resolved in mediation or court. I told him a single party invitation should not cause so much hassle and that I wanted one more message with a clear, straight answer. He replied simply 'sure.'

I said I felt he was being deliberately and couldn't be trusted not to mess up the party for DD so she'd be staying home. I asked him not to contact me further but got a very long ranty message saying he's going to badmouth me to DD and that I'm a psycho...!

DD looked visibly relieved when I said he wasn't picking her up and immediately started planning her weekend here rather than asking why or being upset, which tells me I made the right decision.

Well done. Sounds like your DD needs a break from all this as well. It's all suppose to be for her sake; not his. Sigh.

No doubt this will be pointed out to him; I don't know if you can have it as part of the agreement that he takes her to parties, social events she wants to go to.

Your poor dd. She can already see how nasty he is so his bad mouthing won't do any harm. She will know it's not true. Although I would try and limit contact till mediation especially as its not court ordered.

You definitely did the right thing not sending her. Hope she has a lovely time at the party. She deserves it.

Babylon, if you offer him time in the week make sure you do it via text or email, hopefully you get a response saying he is prioritising his hobby. What a vile man, you may find when she is a teen she barely sees him, she will prioritise her social life and friends. And as he doesn't facilitate sleepovers etc she will constantly say she is busy!

How did he leave the ranty message that he would badmouth you to your DD? That could come in useful.

I think that says it all tbh. I think you will find 90% of her anxiety issues are caused by him and it could be in her longer term interests to minimise contact.

I would go to her school and explain that she seems very upset/troubled by him and could she have some counselling etc. this will give you an independent professional back up if it is does turn out that she doesn't want to see him at all/as frequently as she currently does.

That's great, go you! I hope she has a lovely time.

I have an ex like this. He didn't see ds for 18 months/3 years at a time and would turn up at the drop of a hat and start shouting/accusing me of denying him contact if we already had plans (I'm supposed to be psychic or keep every single weekend free on the off chance he'll turn up,hungover usually, and want to see ds ). The last time ds had plans to meet his friend and ended up leaving his friend in a games shop. He kept asking his father how long they would be (he wanted to get back to his friend), resulting in his father shouting and swearing him his face. Sometimes things are all about 'them', they never think about their child or how their actions affect their child. They are totally unable to put their child first, and if you don't behave they shout and rant at you. Ds decided not to see his father on the next 'visit' until he'd apologised for yelling in his face, so his father stopped paying maintenance. Ds hasn't seen his father for 5 years now.

I hope your DD is OK

Well done! Good for you Make sure you keep that message safe. I would play it into a recording device too so you have a back-up. I would also seriously consider stopping his access now. He has told you he has every intention of emotionally abusing his dd to make himself feel better. It IS emotional abuse, and very damaging. He should be having supervised access with her at best.

The point of access is that a child has the right to see both parents. It has nothing to do with his rights and what he deserves or your rights and what you deserve. You should only be considering from from her viewpoint. Are her access visits generally positive? If she looked relived that she wouldn't be seeing him this weekend I'd guess not.

What is going to be the effect of years of hearing about how her mother is a 'psycho' and whatever else comes to his mind? How will he react if she starts arguing back and defending you? Will she be safe? Will he start emotionally abusing her directly instead of through you? She could learn to simply shut down and becoming passive to try to manage the behaviour of the emotionally abusive man in her life, instead of feeling able to leave, setting a dangerous precedent. It's even possible she could end up turning against you, that is sometimes a survival instinct in young people, to align themselves with the aggressive parent as a means of self-protection. I don't want to frighten you, but any of these scenarios are more likely than her walking away unscathed after years of being used as a weapon to hurt you with.

I know that's all very heavy, but it's your reality sadly, and hers. In your shoes I would stop access and let him go to a solicitor. Get all your evidence together - I'm guessing there will be more - and in court/mediation I would ask that he takes parenting courses and has supervised access until he's capable of being a non-abusive parent.

Sorry for the essay, but I am so angry on your dd's behalf. I hope she has a great time at the party!

*Sorry post is full of typos, I hope it's still legible!

Good for you! I hope the twat has finally tripped himself up with those messages, I think you should just let him take you to court.
I hope your dd has a great weekend with you

Delurking to congratulate you OP.

In passing, Automatic Call Recorder for Android is an excellent app. It runs in the background, records directly from the audio I/O (so it doesn't need speakerphone) and crucially gives no hint it's in use. Files are timestamped and can be saved dorect to the cloud.