Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DDs father is being cruel to her, and to make a stand on her behalf?

112 replies

BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 21:58

I posted a few days ago about exH refusing to allow 7 yo DD to attend activities/parties on 'his' weekends even though she has anxiety/confidence issues and selective mutism and the activities would help to boost her self-esteem. I don't know how to link to that post, but if anyone would like to they're more than welcome to do so.

I suggested mediation to exH because while I don't want to disrupt contact, I'm also not prepared to see DD upset and her confidence undermined by his refusal to participate in her life outside of his home. We have our first session in a fortnight. In the spirit of co-operation, I asked if he'd drop DD at a party which begins two hours before she's due home at the end of his contact weekend. I said he doesn't have to supervise, I'm happy to buy the present, provide a party dress and collect her. He said he'd take her. I told DD and she was over the moon, she went running into school and told her friend (which is a massive deal for her) and we went out to buy her a present and new dress. I replied to the invitation and her place at the party was paid for by her friends mum.

The next day, exH decided that actually he'd only take her if I'll 'make up for his lost time' next weekend. We're away for a wedding where DD is a bridesmaid, which he well knows. He's trying to turn it around to be my fault to DD that she can't goto the party.

I ccould offer him extra time on another weekend but part of me thinks that why should I? He's missing two poxy hours. I miss more than that in one evening of taking DD to activities, this is the first time he's allowed her to do anything, ever.

AIBU to tell him she is going to the party now she and her friend have been told and that he can stick his 'making up time'?

OP posts:
Original poster
BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 23:01

That's precisely it, Shelby. She is a possession to him, one he's interested in when he can gain attention or use her to get at me, but otherwise disregarded.

OP posts:
PicandMinx · 17/09/2014 23:06

C

DancingDinosaur · 17/09/2014 23:06

Somehow I don't think OP allows the Ex to say what goes on at home in the name of the Ds 'best interest'.

Really? I do, after reading what the op has to say.
Are you the ex or something?

wheresthebeach · 17/09/2014 23:21

Contact is for the sake of the child, not the parent. It's right she does these things and hopefully the mediator will sort him out.

In the meantime I'd say 'yes' to the extra time so he can't mess with her fun. Then wait and see if he asks for it.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2014 23:26

I don't think you should be using the word 'cruel' in this context. It just isn't appropriate. IMHO. He has his contact time and deals with it as he sees fit. But on the other hand I do agree that it must be difficult if he is not doing the activities you think he should be. I don't think it would be unreasonable to refuse extra time though.

ChasedByBees · 17/09/2014 23:29

I'd be quite tempted by C. I'd do whatever it took to make sure she was at that party though. If he for some reaso made sure she couldn't go then I would absolutely stop contact until court.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 23:30

Vivienne he tells her she can do things she desperately wants to do, allows her to prepare and become excited, then changes his mind and says she can't do them for no good reason - how isnt that cruel?

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 17/09/2014 23:33

It is a cruel to treat a small child like that.

Sparklypants · 17/09/2014 23:34

I'd tell him that you're keeping her home this w/end because she's been promised that she can go to this party and you don't trust him to not let her down again, and then give examples when he has, such as the sporting event.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2014 23:37

I take it back. Then yes it is cruel to do that to a small child. I apologise.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 23:47

I want to say that Sparkly but he hasn't seen her since her birthday so if I stop this weekend it'll be my fault she didn't get any presents/a party/a holiday/all the other things he's promised that probably won't materialise.

Sorry if I sounded harsh Vivienne, am just cross on DDs behalf!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 00:21

He sounds nasty and cruel. I would allow him 2 extra hours next time and yes that as bait. Yes op has every right to be involved in contact where her dd is concerned. Contact should be about the child, ex is using it to control the child and the mother.

Shelby2010 · 18/09/2014 00:21

I think that as he has agreed to take her then you would be 'in the wrong' to cancel contact at the moment - as far as it would be seen in court or mediation anyway. So agree to whatever demands he makes for extra time without any comment. Only after the event make sure it is at a time convenient for you.

However, to make sure she actually gets to the party I would buy a surprise accessory (eg flower clip for her hair) as an excuse and turn up at his house an hour before they are due to leave.

Also bring up the homework/reading issue at mediation, if nothing else it could be a bargaining chip that you're willing to give way on if he steps up on the social activities.

EverythingCounts · 18/09/2014 00:28

The 'surprise accessory' is a good idea. Do that.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 00:43

He sounds like a narcassistic bully. How can you tell a little child they can do something, they prepare for it, then tell them no for no good valid reason other than you want to be in control and thrive on the control and power it gives you!. Nasty nasty invididual, yes go round there with something to put on her for the party to make sure she goes.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 00:45

Good idea, I would also in the future, keep her at home if there is a party or event that she desperately wants to go to, and ex has said she can go and will take her, but wont. I would not trust him, you have your dd best interests at heart, he does not care less if he hurts a young child.

sashh · 18/09/2014 06:31

I don't think you should be using the word 'cruel' in this context.

Telling a child she can go to a party. Allowing her to tell her friend, let her have a new dress and get a present and then not take her? That is down right cruel.

Emotional abuse at its finest.

As others have said all about him getting 'his property' not what is in the best interests of the child.

OP why can't he have 'his' extra 2 hours on an evening? Or first thing in the morning, before school?

Shockers · 18/09/2014 06:43

Presumably he wants contact to give him input as a parent?
News flash ExP of Babylon.... taking DC to parties and sporting events is part of parenting!

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 18/09/2014 07:28

Shelby he agreed and then retracted saying unless I replace his time he won't take her so technically he no longer agrees because he knows I believe I shouldn't have to be the only one to do any actual parenting.

I have said to him that he agreed so DD has been told she's going, she's excited and prepared, her place has been accepted and paid for etc so to retract his agreement isn't fair on her. I pointed out that I spend hours of my time every week facilitating her interests and friendships, because it's a parents duty to put their children first and that therefore I will not be compensating him for having minimal disruption to contact/his lifeso DD can do something she should have the right to do.

If he comes back to me saying he isn't going to take her, then I'll insist on collecting her earlier that day. If he refuses to agree to that, I'll keep her for the entire weekend and he can get stuffed.

Sashh he never sees her during the week because he's busy with his hobby...!

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 18/09/2014 07:32

You do have to compromise; he has initially agreed to your request so try and meet him halfway. Imitating his behaviour isn't going to help your daughter.

Shelby2010 · 18/09/2014 07:42

Ok, I've changed my mind. Tell him to sod off & don't send her at all. You know he will have taken her out just to avoid you if you say you'll be there early.

seasavage · 18/09/2014 07:50

Tell him contact is 'on hold' until mediation because he, again, is seeing contact as his right rather than DD's.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 07:52

Your right babylon, op is setting the standard goblin, he has form for this and she does not want to see her dd get hurt again. Yes it is emotional abuse what she is doing. What's there not to say once she agrees to his compromise, he won't do the same again out of spite. This man only has his interests at heart not his dd. Good on you op, for telling him how it is.

Fiddlerontheroof · 18/09/2014 07:57

You have to send her. If he doesn't take her, then it's going to be on his head.

I've had similar with my ex all the way through...things have broken down so badly now that he just doesn't bother seeing his kids anymore as he's "convinced" I'm trying to spoil his contact days with parties, rehearsals...all the run of the mill stuff kids do.

He's a twat. But sadly, it's all too familiar to me. In the end, my kids have just had to find out for themselves, which is incredibly frustrating, and makes me so bloody angry that I spend all week driving them around and on the one day he used to have them, he would refuse....and drag them round B&Q instead.

You have my sympathies, but all you can do is send her, and hope he does the right thing xx

Fiddlerontheroof · 18/09/2014 08:01

I also meant to say, is as she gets older, he will probably do what my ex did, which was force his daughter to choose doing a show, that's she had done four years running over contact with him, for the sake of a couple of hours.

It's horrific when one parent just doesn't get how to co parent, I've lived like this for three years now, and there's no sign of any improvement. If he will go to mediation, I would def try...mine won't and it breaks my hear that the kids are slowly losing him.