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AIBU?

Would you be annoyed if a relative invited themselves on your holiday?

108 replies

NumTumDeDum · 14/09/2014 23:53

Dh and I have not had a family holiday with our children ever. We booked a four night stay for the Easter break as that is what we could afford for next year.

Mil has asked to come. Dh asked me first, I felt put on the spot and found saying a clear no difficult, not wanting to hurt his feelings. This has somehow translated in his head as maybe (probably not unreasonably). He is aware however that my relationship with mil isn't brilliant.

Mil then asked me over dinner and again I felt put on the spot. It was wrapped up in a lengthy speech about how she is fed up of not going on holiday (fil doesn't like to travel) and she wants to see the children paddle in the sea. I said well, we haven't ever had a family holiday before - meaning me and Dh and the children, so I wasn't keen. I now feel like really it didn't matter what I said I wasn't going to get a great outcome. 1. I agree knowing I won't particularly enjoy it or 2. Say no and have dh and mil unhappy with me. It all just feels tainted now, which makes me feel childish, so some outside perspective would be appreciated.

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 15/09/2014 14:38

No. Think of it this way: your husband suffers for a few minutes on the phone while HE tells her that she can't come -v- you will suffer on the run up to the holiday, throughout the holiday and after the holiday if she does go with you.

No - tell him you want it to be just the four of you - it's his job to tell her.

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2014 14:39

The trouble is when someone does this, it effectively ruins the holiday whether you say yes or no. Having said that, it ruins it far more if you say yes, so say no!

Thumbwitch · 15/09/2014 14:45

Oo you know, DeWee is right. The first time I went on holiday with my boyfriend and my friend and her boyfriend, it was horrible. Started off ok but by day 3 it was getting unbearable - too much tension! I was supposed to stay out for 2 weeks, but by the end of week 1 I was ready to go back with my bf (he'd only booked for 1 week) and by sheer good luck, all our tickets had been copied off his (back in the days of handwritten tickets!) so I just took a chance and got onto the plane (it wasn't full). I was so relieved! Never went on holiday with them again.

Whereas other people, I've had no problem with - my BFF, for e.g., no issue; a couple of large groups, no issue. But my MIL - not sure I could cope. And she's not an underminer, she'd fall in with whatever we wanted to do, but it wouldn't be relaxing with her there the whole time!

mummytime · 15/09/2014 14:48

SAy No!

Does your DH have any siblings? If so maybe one of them could have a word with him.

My Nan was a bit like that, to be honest she could be a nightmare unless handled very firmly - and even her Grandkids had enough of her after a while. She made her DILs life hell (and one DD, the other was my Mum who handled her pretty well usually).

Tell your DH you want this to be special, holidays are a great way for the family to bond and that doesn't include Grandparents really, especially the first time.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/09/2014 15:04

This will be the easiest No you can ever say. Trust me, if she comes unless it is a disaster for HER, you will find it so much more difficult to say No another time.

Plus most cheap and cheerful holiday apts are one bed room with the kids on a pull out bed. Have you actually looked at the financial implications of taking her? You will have to fund an extra adult for the whole duration

Littlegreyauditor · 15/09/2014 15:21

Her own husband won't go on holiday with her OP, why the hell should you have to?!

starfishmummy · 15/09/2014 15:22

With my pils I do wonder if they actually like each others company. Dh talks of holidays that he went on as a kid and this aunt/uncle and cousins always went too. And most holidays my pils have been on since I have known them, have been with other family members or their friends. And a lot of the tales theybtell seek to be abkjt scouring a foreign resort for some essential food item or somewhere they can get a trad british roast dinner! I do make lots of noise about how I go on holiday to get away from everyone. (Doesn't work)

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 15/09/2014 15:37

I'm chuckling here cos literally everyone on this thread,myself included, has said no.

And Shodan's tale got me remembering a holiday marred slightly by an overbearing Aunt intruding on it.

We used to stay on a campsite in Flamborough. Stayed there several years on the trot. Just me, Mum and Dad. It suited their budget, was easy to get to and was the only week away we had. Well My Aunt decided that as her and her husband weren't doing anything the first weekend of our holiday that they'd join us. No asking if we minded, oh no! Just we'll see you there.

Mum was horrified but said nothing. This was Dad's brothers wife who needed constantly entertaining and depending on her mood she could be great or she could burst into tears if she'd had to much to drink.

Well they arrived. She slagged off our accommodation. We went to a pub for lunch at her suggestion but when we after an age, decided to order, announced she wasn't hungry. Wtaf!! They slept over in the campervan they came over in and she must have been chatting with her husband about what to do the next day because when they arrived at our chalet he said 'oh we were going to Blackpool this morning '

She wanted us all to travel from Flamborough Head right across the country to Blackpool and back again where then they'd finally fuck off back home and leave us alone to enjoy the rest of our holiday. Fortunately he'd seen it was a stupid idea. Can't remember what we actually did but my poor mother noticeably relaxed when they pissed off. What annoyed her most is they were able to have several holidays abroad a year and while she didn't begrudge them that she minded very much them intruding on the only holiday we had a year.

But she said nothing.

The point I'm trying to make is that you should. Say NO!

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 15/09/2014 16:28

Tell your DH that there will be no sex during the holiday if his mother joins you.

NumTumDeDum · 15/09/2014 19:22

Thank you, you've all helped me immensely with this. I do feel like the villain of the piece as someone noted upthread, and I've said no and Dh will be talking to her. I did think maybe it would be more divided. It's so frustrating as she's just been staying with us and I felt that she'd been easier and less confrontational, and then this came up. I don't dislike her at all, am even quite fond, but I prefer to visit her at her house as she's more relaxed and not trying to impart advice on everything I do in my own home. Dh said he felt put on the spot too as she raised it earlier with him and said she wouldn't be around as she wasn't getting any younger, so he felt very backed into a corner as well. Apparently she offeredto baby sit but given she has never done it before I can't see her doing it on holiday either.

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 15/09/2014 19:40

Brilliant NumTum. Glad that DH is more on side than he first appeared.

If she's been using the "won't be around" card, then she is definitely being manipulative.

Now you just need to stick with it .

[It just occurred to me that we really need a hard hat emoticon]

PicandMinx · 15/09/2014 19:47

Expect your MIL to have a "serious" illness just before your holiday

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 21:57

Say no. Better MIL annoyed and gets over then you dread every moment leading up to the holiday, hate the holiday and are angry at yourself for caving after.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 21:58

Awesome, glad to see you are saying No :)

Jill2015 · 15/09/2014 23:35

Well done. Now don't allow yourself of your DH to be guilt tripped. Have a few lines at the ready, in case it is brought up again.

Jill2015 · 15/09/2014 23:36

^^ 'or', not 'of', sorry.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/09/2014 00:27

Yeah I would tbh.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/09/2014 11:45

Is it properly booked and does she know where you are going?
If not, you could always say that you are considering something like this. If she is anything like my MIL/Parents, she'll consider it a lucky escape
www.pyb.co.uk/courses-family.php

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 11:54

she wouldn't be around as she wasn't getting any younger,

Pure manipulation.

OP - if you need to head this off practice 'but it wouldn't be a holiday for you MIL, as you get all upset when we do things our way. Best stick to days out with the kids, not family holidays'.

And you need to stop her from manipulating full stop. Put your foot down with parenting your way, otherwise this will never end. 'That might be how you did it MIL, but I'm doing it my way. Now, do you want a cup of tea?'

GnomeDePlume · 16/09/2014 12:18

Having had holidays with DPiL, DM and friends I am now strongly of the view that you shouldnt share holiday accommodation with anyone other than people you live with normally.

Holidays always have a bit of stress in them, everyone is out of their normal space and routine. It is just easier to sort things out with people who you live with normally.

bellybuttonfairy · 16/09/2014 12:41

I feel your pain. Dfil comes bloody twice a year with us. He's crap with the kids and generally annoys me.

Ive never asked him - he just goes ahead and books flights - never a discussion!!!!!!! Three years this has happened but Im getting in first this time with a good excuse why he cant come havent thought of one yet but am thinking

iK8 · 16/09/2014 12:56

she wouldn't be around as she wasn't getting any younger

Her life expectation would shorten dramatically if she invited herself on MY holiday!

belly don't tell him where you are going and get your dh to sort him out. You don't need an excuse. Not wanting to is reason enough.

I am really cross on behalf of all of you putting up with rude people rudely intruding on your holidays. Stop letting them please and go and have a lovely holiday without these people

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JoshLymansBigHair · 16/09/2014 13:49

Had to name change for this or I would out myself.

As soon as my eldest was born we were put under intense pressure from MIL to go on holiday with them. I always refused. I want my children's "Firsts..." to be done with me and my DH.

So MIL secretly booked herself and FIL to go on our honeymoon to "help" with DS. We only found out because she let the dates slip to her friend within earshot of DH who got her to admit everything.

Anyway, my point is; don't worry about saying no. Your MIL will find new and interesting boundaries to push. Just keep saying no.

idiuntno57 · 16/09/2014 14:05

Say No.

If you don't she may invite herself every year. My IL's suggested visiting us whilst on holiday a few years back...now they expect to come every year to the extent that MIL demanded I confirm my next year holiday dates twelve months in advance so that she could plan. I wish we'd never said yes the first time.

idiuntno57 · 16/09/2014 14:05

By the way having them there was bloody awful. There was no plus side.

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