Would you be annoyed if a relative invited themselves on your holiday?

[NumTumDeDum]

Dh and I have not had a family holiday with our children ever. We booked a four night stay for the Easter break as that is what we could afford for next year.

Mil has asked to come. Dh asked me first, I felt put on the spot and found saying a clear no difficult, not wanting to hurt his feelings. This has somehow translated in his head as maybe (probably not unreasonably). He is aware however that my relationship with mil isn't brilliant.

Mil then asked me over dinner and again I felt put on the spot. It was wrapped up in a lengthy speech about how she is fed up of not going on holiday (fil doesn't like to travel) and she wants to see the children paddle in the sea. I said well, we haven't ever had a family holiday before - meaning me and Dh and the children, so I wasn't keen. I now feel like really it didn't matter what I said I wasn't going to get a great outcome. 1. I agree knowing I won't particularly enjoy it or 2. Say no and have dh and mil unhappy with me. It all just feels tainted now, which makes me feel childish, so some outside perspective would be appreciated.

[Teddybeau1988]

Tell her no.

We very rarely get to go aboard now due to DHs work, so have several long weekends away in the UK. After asking once, FIL has now invited himself 'down for the day' every single time we go anywhere. It's so annoying as the whole day he descends gets wasted.

Be firm and tell her maybe in the future she could come away with you

[AutumnIsComing]

If it was me - I'd say a very clear no with a pre thought out list of reasons why it wouldn't work and if possible try and offer an alternative - a day trip maybe?

I think in our case in was probably mentioned in passing to DH - who was probably very vague (and probably gave out more info about our booking in conversation than he realised) rather than a define no which was an issue within their relationship at that time as no would produce an argumentative response. Next thing IL have booked and I'm being sold a done deal and it's the first I hear of it and then we were caught in a pattern for years that was hard to change.

You have the chance to say no - take it.

[MindReader]

If you could afford another 'family holiday' next year too then it would be okay.
But, you cant and this is your ONE precious 4 days just the four of you.

Suggest a day trip with MIL instead.
It's not your fault FIL wont go anywhere with her and she fancies a minibreak.

If you are not clear NOW then you'll end up with her on this hol.
And the next, and the next, and the next.
Even if she is ultra lovely, where does that leave your important Parents and kids only time?

[foxdongle]

Another no vote.
Especially if your relationship isn't brilliant.

We have been with my parents and with dh parents and always except once in different accommodation and got on fine.
But we always had other holidays without them.

The one and ONLY time we had the same accommodation (same hotel) I felt like we had to be ready when they were ready, eat when they eat etc it was really claustrophobic - never made that mistake again.

[frostyfingers]

No way I'm afraid. Could you suggest to her that perhaps you could do this another time, maybe just a short break to the seaside in the UK?

[AutumnIsComing]

Even if she is ultra lovely, where does that leave your important Parents and kids only time?

In our case it led to IL coming on more and more days out as well as holiday - I don't mind some trips with them but it slowly over the years built to point that MIL was getting miffed that we did any without them plus some I want to do keep being put off indefinitely till we can sort all of us doing them.

What makes that worse is DH is only here weekends most weeks and those are already cluttered with DIY and homework.

[SunshineDaisiesButterMellow]

No way. It's your first family holiday. It's for your family there is no reason for you to have to suck it up.
It's really nice to just be on holiday with the kids and Dh doing what you want and when you want it.
With someone else there it will just ruin the dynamic. Especially if your mil will interfere with your parenting.

Also if you do give in she will feel free to invite herself next time.

[oldgrandmama]

Definitely 'NO!' Your MIL has a bloody cheek - asking in such a manipulative way. I get on brilliantly with my DIL and SIL but I'd never dream of inviting myself along on their holidays, much as we all get along together so well.

Stand firm - and have the talk with your DH about backing YOU up, always.

[DizzyKipper]

NO NO NO NON NO NO NO!

And just in case I haven't made myself clear, hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not just any old family holiday, it's the first ever family holiday you'll have gotten to have together. I know how special that is, me and DH have been together 6 years and still never been on holiday together either. The first one is going to be particularly special and having her there will ruin that. I can't believe she could be so selfish and inconsiderate as to try to gate crash it in the first place, and going about it in such a manipulative way is really unkind. Say no OP!

[Shodan]

A cautionary tale for you:

We invited my PILs on a holiday to Wales with us. The idea was (their suggestion!) that they would babysit the dc occasionally so DH and I could go out for a meal together.

This never happened. And lovely days out were dropped, partly because FIL 'needed' a particular type of bread, and specific items of fruit, so we spent many hours trawling for a large enough supermarket to find them in. Other places were vetoed because they were at the end of country lanes, which MIL didn't like driving down because of FIL's driving technique.

Every evening revolved around their choice of TV (sport)with accompanying noises of FIL chomping his way through bowl after bowl of snacks. Every night was disturbed by ear-splitting snoring from them both.

And to cap it all off- when I emerged, after sleeping-pill induced restless nights, at 8 a.m, they would chirp 'Afternoon Shodan! Nice lie-in?'.

Needless to say, DH got NO sex that week. He didn't even try, tbh.

Never Again (despite MIL's heavy hints that she's never been to Disneyworld and would love to go, and 'Isn't that where you're planning to go next year?'.

Seriously. 'No' will be MUCH harder if you give in this time.

[Didactylos]

as a child one of my sets of grandparents invited themselves to each family holiday we had (uk breaks only, 3 across the whole span of my childhood, self catering chalets bty the sea) the only one they didnt book to stay near and see us almost every day they turned up unexpectedly anyway for a nose

it really put pressure on my mother who was polite but resented her rare holiday/time with husband being intruded on and you could pretty visibly see her unrelax/wind up when they came, and it would change the whole dynamic of the holiday, and cut down the spontaneous stuff we could do

I suppose it depends on the grandparents - ours were in no way interested in spending time with us on the beach, or taking us out, or even babysitting and allowing my parents adult time. It would be sitting in, drinking tea and watching TV, with some desultory convos about traffic/accomodation. Plus adding pressure to my parents already limited budget since if they stayed nearby they would join us for all meals since we were selfcatering and so 'would be cooking anyway'

as kids we were slightly resentful but never articulated that to our parents

[evalyn]

Your PIL should all realise that doing the best they can for their DGC often ought to involve encouraging you, your DP and DC to have holidays together without PIL around.

I'm a PIL as well as a grandparent. I like love to see my DGC play, at the seaside or elsewhere. My partner and I have enjoyed holidays with DCs and DGCs. But we also are pleased to think of our DCs and DGCs enjoying holidays without us, mainly on account of the benefits to them. (We want the best for them all, of course!)

(Incidentally, we also think it's lovely when we get to look after DGC while some DC and partner get out without their DC. That's another matter, though.)

OP, stick to your guns. It's better for you and your DC that your MIL doesn't muscle in on your hols. Maybe don't say it to her that baldly. Say it, though, as gently as you can.

[bberry]

Just say NO!

Why give up your own happiness to accommodate someone else's?

You don't need to justify your answer, its simple - "No, I want a family holiday just the 3 of us" ... "Maybe you could take them out to the seaside for the day or an overnight trip later in the year, lets see how the year goes"

end of

[GoblinLittleOwl]

The whole point about manipulative people, DefinitleySpeltWrong, is that they are very clear about their objective, think ahead and plan strategies carefully to catch people unprepared and take advantage of their innate politeness. Their approach is always subtle and calculated. Polite and sensitive doesn't come into it because it is unbelievably rude to ask to join somebody else's holiday, family or not.
Daughter in law is now the villain of the piece; mother in law is training up son to take Father's place in providing holiday companionship.
If she is so desperate to see her grandchildren playing on the beach she could have organised at least a day trip previously, when there was no possibility of a holiday for them at all. In fact, why didn't she?

[IsItMeOr]

Have you said No yet OP?

You can do it!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

WTAF possesses a person to ask this?
You rally shouldn't have to tell her "no". How could your Dh be so thoughtless as to let this happen? I am staggered.
God only knows what you're supposed to do.
Have a word with Dh.
What was his manner? Is he keen for her to come? Does he not see the issues between you and his Dm?

[silverstreak]

OP please, please, please say no! No need for me to give reasons as everyone else already has (& I'm a lazy sod) but just do it. Your family holiday!!!! They are too precious to sacrifice.... Nuff said.

[Doingakatereddy]

We took MIL on holiday with us once.

She made two cups of tea and one slice of toast through whole week.

I shopped, cooked, cleaned, organised & cried through the week.

Our relationship will never be the same & she will not be invited away again (irrespective of how many passive aggressive comments she makes)

[morethanpotatoprints]

I wouldn't be annoyed I'd just say no if I didn't want her to come.
Why is it so difficult to just say no, we want our first family holiday just for us, but there will be plenty other opportunities.
Then sometime you can take mil and allow yourselves some adult time while she does a night of baby sitting.

[MarmaladeShatkins]

No.

No no no no no no no no no no. No.

Just No.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

As a couple its not hard to say no really. I think it can be very difficult to say no as an individual.
You really need to talk to your dh.

[Thumbwitch]

I'd be very annoyed, yes.

However, if it's the case that you feel that you're the only one who wouldn't fit into the "happy family" scenario, you could say "fine, your mother can go with you, I'll have my holiday at home without you all". If you wanted to. You could do exactly what you wanted for a few days! No kids to look after, no DH to think about, no need to think about anyone but yourself - bliss!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

In a way, in some families I can see it would be nice to have a mil there. She is family. The kids like her etc.
But the point is that you feel undermined by your mil. And your Dh doesnt support you in that issue.

[KirstyJC]

NO!!!

The sort of person who tries to bully you into letting them come on your holiday is NOT the sort of person that you want to holiday with.

If she is being this manipulative now, what will the holiday be like? Every memory you have of your precious first holiday with your children will be ruined by her. Forever.

Just.Say.No.

[DeWee]

Even with people you get on with very well holidays can be difficult.

You can have totally different ideas as to what makes it relaxing.

eg
My df idea of a perfect beach is one in the middle of nowhere, a mile walk down to the beach from the (non paying) car park, no toilets or shops and preferably no one else there at all.
My dgran used to think that breakfast at 6am, lunch at 12, dinner at 4pm was non-negotiable any day, anywhere.

Things like that are irritating if you don't agree with them and just want to relax for a couple of days round their house. When it's your relaxing time it is just much worse.

What I think I'd say is, no this holiday is just for you and the dc. However if she wishes to take you on holiday another time/place you can discuss coming perhaps next century year.