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AIBU?

Would you be annoyed if a relative invited themselves on your holiday?

108 replies

NumTumDeDum · 14/09/2014 23:53

Dh and I have not had a family holiday with our children ever. We booked a four night stay for the Easter break as that is what we could afford for next year.

Mil has asked to come. Dh asked me first, I felt put on the spot and found saying a clear no difficult, not wanting to hurt his feelings. This has somehow translated in his head as maybe (probably not unreasonably). He is aware however that my relationship with mil isn't brilliant.

Mil then asked me over dinner and again I felt put on the spot. It was wrapped up in a lengthy speech about how she is fed up of not going on holiday (fil doesn't like to travel) and she wants to see the children paddle in the sea. I said well, we haven't ever had a family holiday before - meaning me and Dh and the children, so I wasn't keen. I now feel like really it didn't matter what I said I wasn't going to get a great outcome. 1. I agree knowing I won't particularly enjoy it or 2. Say no and have dh and mil unhappy with me. It all just feels tainted now, which makes me feel childish, so some outside perspective would be appreciated.

OP posts:

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Sicaq · 16/09/2014 17:43

Don't give in to the won't-be-around-much-longer stuff. I have relatives who 've been "not long for this world" for over 20 years.

Fluffyears · 16/09/2014 17:26

Oh no. My mil started to make noises about 'oh holidays are no use on your own' just after she was widowed. Then she started moaning to dp who wants to make her happy about it so he said we'd take her on holiday. I told him to go alone with her. Luckily she booked one to go herself after we had said we couldn't afford a holiday. I then got a windfall for a small about (£00 rather than £000) so we booked a holiday as she was sorted. Cue cats bum face directed at me! Ignore pp saying you can go later with her, offer this and she'll be after you all the time desperate to book up.

My mil used the line 'I want a family holiday as I'll not be around forever!' She is NOT my family and she never showed an interest in going with dp previously on holiday. It would have been awful as she would be trying to command his attention continually and getting annoyed if he showed me affection.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 16/09/2014 16:38

Your DH has to tell his mother that he wants a holiday with just you and the children. It sounds simple written down but it really is just one short, clear statement to tell her together. Anything else that MIL says is just noise that can be ignored.

Oneandonlyone · 16/09/2014 15:31

Hells no. For all the reasons stated. And because if you don't put your foot down now you'll have her on every holiday you even think about taking until she dies.

FIL issues are her problem, not yours. And DH needs a spine, and to support his wife.

I get one pretty well with my in laws, but our holiday styles are entirely different. There would be bets on just who was going to kill who by the end. You already have plenty of issues, and a holiday is supposed to be fun and relaxing for ALL of you. So make it so. And leave the MIL at home.

Thumbwitch · 16/09/2014 15:23

When we were little, we used to go to a static caravan on the south coast for a week. My mum's parents would drive down for one day to visit us and an elderly uncle of my mum's (her dad's brother). That was fine (and my Dad loved my Nan anyway) - but I don't think anyone (except possibly us children) would have been happy to have had Mum and her parents together for any length of time!
Visiting Dad's parents was a lot tougher as we had to stay with them for the week - and gran didn't like Mum. :(

Bouttimeforwine · 16/09/2014 15:04

josh Did you make her cancel?

ImperialBlether · 16/09/2014 14:48

How old is your MIL? Is this where we find out she's in her 50s, yet won't be around for long?

MiuChoos · 16/09/2014 14:38

We're in the same predicament. We're thinking of next year doing one long weekend with MIL, and another holiday just us.
Fully expecting that not to be good enough though, and won't like us going away without her.

idiuntno57 · 16/09/2014 14:05

By the way having them there was bloody awful. There was no plus side.

idiuntno57 · 16/09/2014 14:05

Say No.

If you don't she may invite herself every year. My IL's suggested visiting us whilst on holiday a few years back...now they expect to come every year to the extent that MIL demanded I confirm my next year holiday dates twelve months in advance so that she could plan. I wish we'd never said yes the first time.

JoshLymansBigHair · 16/09/2014 13:49

Had to name change for this or I would out myself.

As soon as my eldest was born we were put under intense pressure from MIL to go on holiday with them. I always refused. I want my children's "Firsts..." to be done with me and my DH.

So MIL secretly booked herself and FIL to go on our honeymoon to "help" with DS. We only found out because she let the dates slip to her friend within earshot of DH who got her to admit everything.

Anyway, my point is; don't worry about saying no. Your MIL will find new and interesting boundaries to push. Just keep saying no.

iK8 · 16/09/2014 12:56

she wouldn't be around as she wasn't getting any younger

Her life expectation would shorten dramatically if she invited herself on MY holiday!

belly don't tell him where you are going and get your dh to sort him out. You don't need an excuse. Not wanting to is reason enough.

I am really cross on behalf of all of you putting up with rude people rudely intruding on your holidays. Stop letting them please and go and have a lovely holiday without these people

bellybuttonfairy · 16/09/2014 12:41

I feel your pain. Dfil comes bloody twice a year with us. He's crap with the kids and generally annoys me.

Ive never asked him - he just goes ahead and books flights - never a discussion!!!!!!! Three years this has happened but Im getting in first this time with a good excuse why he cant come havent thought of one yet but am thinking

GnomeDePlume · 16/09/2014 12:18

Having had holidays with DPiL, DM and friends I am now strongly of the view that you shouldnt share holiday accommodation with anyone other than people you live with normally.

Holidays always have a bit of stress in them, everyone is out of their normal space and routine. It is just easier to sort things out with people who you live with normally.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 11:54

she wouldn't be around as she wasn't getting any younger,

Pure manipulation.

OP - if you need to head this off practice 'but it wouldn't be a holiday for you MIL, as you get all upset when we do things our way. Best stick to days out with the kids, not family holidays'.

And you need to stop her from manipulating full stop. Put your foot down with parenting your way, otherwise this will never end. 'That might be how you did it MIL, but I'm doing it my way. Now, do you want a cup of tea?'

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/09/2014 11:45

Is it properly booked and does she know where you are going?
If not, you could always say that you are considering something like this. If she is anything like my MIL/Parents, she'll consider it a lucky escape
www.pyb.co.uk/courses-family.php

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/09/2014 00:27

Yeah I would tbh.

Jill2015 · 15/09/2014 23:36

^^ 'or', not 'of', sorry.

Jill2015 · 15/09/2014 23:35

Well done. Now don't allow yourself of your DH to be guilt tripped. Have a few lines at the ready, in case it is brought up again.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 21:58

Awesome, glad to see you are saying No :)

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 21:57

Say no. Better MIL annoyed and gets over then you dread every moment leading up to the holiday, hate the holiday and are angry at yourself for caving after.

PicandMinx · 15/09/2014 19:47

Expect your MIL to have a "serious" illness just before your holiday

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IsItMeOr · 15/09/2014 19:40

Brilliant NumTum. Glad that DH is more on side than he first appeared.

If she's been using the "won't be around" card, then she is definitely being manipulative.

Now you just need to stick with it .

[It just occurred to me that we really need a hard hat emoticon]

NumTumDeDum · 15/09/2014 19:22

Thank you, you've all helped me immensely with this. I do feel like the villain of the piece as someone noted upthread, and I've said no and Dh will be talking to her. I did think maybe it would be more divided. It's so frustrating as she's just been staying with us and I felt that she'd been easier and less confrontational, and then this came up. I don't dislike her at all, am even quite fond, but I prefer to visit her at her house as she's more relaxed and not trying to impart advice on everything I do in my own home. Dh said he felt put on the spot too as she raised it earlier with him and said she wouldn't be around as she wasn't getting any younger, so he felt very backed into a corner as well. Apparently she offeredto baby sit but given she has never done it before I can't see her doing it on holiday either.

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 15/09/2014 16:28

Tell your DH that there will be no sex during the holiday if his mother joins you.

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