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AIBU?

Would you be annoyed if a relative invited themselves on your holiday?

108 replies

NumTumDeDum · 14/09/2014 23:53

Dh and I have not had a family holiday with our children ever. We booked a four night stay for the Easter break as that is what we could afford for next year.

Mil has asked to come. Dh asked me first, I felt put on the spot and found saying a clear no difficult, not wanting to hurt his feelings. This has somehow translated in his head as maybe (probably not unreasonably). He is aware however that my relationship with mil isn't brilliant.

Mil then asked me over dinner and again I felt put on the spot. It was wrapped up in a lengthy speech about how she is fed up of not going on holiday (fil doesn't like to travel) and she wants to see the children paddle in the sea. I said well, we haven't ever had a family holiday before - meaning me and Dh and the children, so I wasn't keen. I now feel like really it didn't matter what I said I wasn't going to get a great outcome. 1. I agree knowing I won't particularly enjoy it or 2. Say no and have dh and mil unhappy with me. It all just feels tainted now, which makes me feel childish, so some outside perspective would be appreciated.

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AbbieHoffmansAfro · 15/09/2014 00:48

For God's sake, don't do that thing of sweary venting on here and sullen acquiescence in real life. SAY NO!

It's entirely reasonable to say no. it;s a holiday for all of you, not just your DH and the kids. Nuclear family holiday time is very important.

You can find something to console MIL with if you want, but keep this time for you and your family.

Downamongtherednecks · 15/09/2014 00:54

It's a long time until Easter -- that's a long time for you to be simmering and resentful that your holiday has been spoiled. Tell your DH "no", and make him tell his mother. It is her problem that her husband won't go on holiday. You could always (if you trust her) say she can take the dc away on her own later in the year.

PunkAssMoFo · 15/09/2014 07:51

Don't do it.

In a similar situation I (tactfully) put my foot down & said no. Family holidays are important family time & I knew she would've spoilt my enjoyment.

Instead we took her for a long weekend in the uk. It was excruciating, I was so glad I hadn't subjected myself to two weeks. In all honesty I wouldn't have been able to keep my pretence up any longer & things would have got ugly. If you have a strained relationship it will ruin things for all of you. Holidays are too precious. Even if u do get through it, like pp said, it sets a precedent.

Stand firm. Enjoy your hols.

IsItMeOr · 15/09/2014 07:58

YANBU.

From what you have written, your primary problem is that you DH does not back you up when you are telling him that his mum is undermining you in front of the kids.

Have you really sat down with him and had an honest talk about that, and how you would like him to support you?

For DMIL, the answer is obviously "No" for this holiday.

I would also prescribe the good granny guide if you feel on good enough terms with her. It might be a helpful read for you anyway, as it will help you see where tensions often arise in a MIL/DIL relationship even with two otherwise perfectly lovely women.

IsItMeOr · 15/09/2014 08:00

PS And I say all of this as somebody who gets on reasonably well with DMIL, who is a lovely woman and brilliant granny.

It just does my head in if we are in the kitchen together, so when we have Christmas together my job is to peel veggies/do advance prep, and DMIL bosses DH around to do the actual cooking.

Vycount · 15/09/2014 08:05

Just a simple "No, not this time I think. The idea of this holiday is for the four of us to get away together as a family and I'm really looking forward to it".
Repeat as necessary. Don't budge.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 15/09/2014 08:25

Oh my GOD! Say No! I would be horrified if my own Mother asked to come on holiday with us. Not because we don't get on - far from it. We have a great relationship. It's just we need a holiday together, just me, dh and our girls. And fortunately she understands that and would never ask or invite herself.

If your fil doesn't like travelling that's not your problem, it's hers.

Suggest she takes them on day trip herself if she wants to see them paddling in the sea.

starfishmummy · 15/09/2014 08:25

We have had this. Naturally mil will tell us when ds is around so that he gets all excited about it (he has SN) so we can't say no.
We are boring and go to the same place each year; the pils stay in a hotel as the cottage we rent is too small so that does help a bit.
We have plans afoot for a longer holiday next year with just ds and I there for some of it. This will not go down well and no doubt mil will want to come and "help" but unless she wants to sleep on the top bunk in the room with ds its not going to happen!!

Doubtfuldaphne · 15/09/2014 08:25

I think it's bloody madness that they expect you to agree. How rude of her to put you on the spot. Stand up to this, it's your holiday too. Who cares if they're annoyed, they have to respect your wishes too! In surprised your Dh isn't seeing your point here that you want a family holiday.
I've had the same problem too btw, my Dh invited sil on our holiday and damn right I stood up to them. I won't be seen as a push over and couldn't care less what they think of me!

LookingThroughTheFog · 15/09/2014 08:32

'Not this time, because it's our first holiday away. We can definitely think about that for next time though.'

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 15/09/2014 08:35

Don't do it

This is your holiday. Your holiday with your family. Your first.

Say 'No' now, deal with the whinging from DH & DMIL but then enjoy your holiday.

It is rude of her to invite herself along and put you on the spot - so saying 'no' is not your issue.

schmee · 15/09/2014 08:38

Say no.

"Thank you so much for your offer of coming on holiday with us, but it's our first family holiday so we would like it to be the four of us. Your offer is much appreciated though, and we heard what you said about seeing the children paddling in the sea. If you would like to take the children for an overnight at the seaside, that would be amazing. As you know we can only afford this little holiday, so it would be fantastic for the children to have another opportunity to go away."

GnomeDePlume · 15/09/2014 08:40

YANBU to not want a holiday with MiL

YABU to not make that clear to your DH. He isnt a mind-reader. He may be thinking/hoping that somehow the relationship with MiL has improved.

Spadequeen · 15/09/2014 08:42

You do not have to suck it up. This is your holiday too. Tell dh no.

SaucyJack · 15/09/2014 08:52

Just say no. You don't have to suck it up no matter how many "brownie points" it would give you.

You are a person too, and you have the right to a family holiday of your choosing.

She can take them to the sea-side at her own time and expense if that's what's important to her.

Bouttimeforwine · 15/09/2014 08:56

If you had lots of holidays, I'd say you would just have to suck it up this time, but this is a one off, so stick to having it just for yourselves. Say, "if we could afford another one we would love you to come on one of them, but we need this time to holiday together as a family."

Could she afford to help you with another few days?

GoblinLittleOwl · 15/09/2014 09:07

Oh dear. How very rude of your mother in law;she is manipulative, and determine to intrude on your holiday, and has quite deliberately put you both in an awkward situation. Whatever you do now you are going to feel guilty because you are more sensitive than her, and your precious family holiday together is spoilt.
I think you have to make a firm stand about this first holiday otherwise a precedent is set, and she will expect to be included every time. Your husband must understand that your feelings are more important to family happiness than those of his mother.
Together talk to her about how you have never had a holiday with just the four of you, and it is not to be spoilt; then suggest a short break later in the year but you simply cannot afford it ie any chance of mother in law stumping up some money? This is what many grandparents do.
And how much paddling does she think will take place in Easter? (or is it abroad?)

AutumnIsComing · 15/09/2014 09:14

Once you've done it once it will be ten times harder to say no again in the future

^^ This.

I don't ever remember being asked - but IL booked same time same location as us - apparently it was for our benefit.

IL have lots of holidays and this is our only one a year - and we waited years and years before we started going on them.

The DC has fun and we make it work - and there have been advantages and some disadvantages. However once it's happened once then it's assumed there are no issues and this will always happen IME.

diddl · 15/09/2014 09:38

You have to say no!

You want to enjoy a family holiday & you won't if mil is there.

I can't believe that your husband even asked you tbh-does he really want a holiday with mummy??

I know that people do holiday with parents, but surely only when all are agreed?

How far apart are you all?

Perhaps you could stand a weekend with her somewhere?

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 15/09/2014 09:47

Perhaps you need to focus your DH's mind. Tell him you were hoping for lots of relaxed, holiday sex, but you won't feel comfortable to do anything with the MIL around. I bet he suddenly backs you up!

Hoppinggreen · 15/09/2014 09:52

I would just go with " sorry, no, not this time. Maybe another time"
And then change the subject.

DefinitleySpeltWrong · 15/09/2014 09:53

Say no but suggest you all book a weekend away another time?

You were silly to not say no when your DH asked you initially. In his mind he has asked and it now will look like you are be difficult.

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DefinitleySpeltWrong · 15/09/2014 09:57

You can't know that the mil was being manipulative. She may have broached the subject with the DH and asked him to broach the subject with you. Which would be a polite and sensitive way of doing it...
If he came back to her saying you didn't mind then it would be the polite thing to ask you directly.

VSeth · 15/09/2014 09:58

I would say no, it's your first family holiday, its booked, planned and you want it just you. Then offer that next time you go away she can come, or even better get her to organise the next trip?

If you don't say no to this first trip I suspect you will be stuck with her on every holiday in the future.

Jill2015 · 15/09/2014 10:01

Yes, I would be annoyed. I echo what others have said, say No.
I don't have kids or a MIL, but am just picturing if a family member told me about their holiday, I might love the sound of it, would I think it okay to invite myself along? Absolutely not. YANBU to not want this. Don't agree, and end up dreading your little holiday as a family.
Get it said now, otherwise, before you know it, it will be booked, and a done deal, with no way out.

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