to feel like I've ruined my life

[swallowsflysouth]

I can't give many details but I am in a really desperate place. I have no family to help. I have no friends to help. I am really completely, totally alone. I know what I want from life but not how to get it; i know this is a stupid thread as noone can really help but I'm desperate, please don't flame me for not giving more details.

please, could you tell me if you've come back from despair

Yes. In my case I was in my early 20s and had been (wrongly as it turns out) diagnosed as HIV positive.

You need to talk to someone IRL - if you want to stay anonymous the Samaritans are good and depending on what you are facing there may be other helplines that would be appropriate - womans aid, RapeCrisis, Shelter etc.

But you must reach out. Despair is not something you can manage alone.

If you need practical help, there are places other than family and friends you can go to for help.

Life very rarely turns out the way you planned it. I am assuming that you haven't committed a crime. Your situation might change your path in life, and it is hard to accept that things don't always go as planned, but we all live and learn and deal with it.

no, no crime committed, i just don't see a way forward. it is stupid but I am worn down and exhausted and I hate myself and my life so much.

I've made it back a few times from significant despair, and it's taught me that you can genuinely rely on the fact that things will get better.

Even if you have no family and friends that can help you, you definitely have it within yourself to tackle whatever you're going through.

You're not alone

What's happened? What's gone wrong? There is nothing which can't be fixed.xxx

Thank you.

I just wish I could start everything again

I think if you are feeling that much in despair that you should go to your GP, it won't solve your problems or circumstances but medication/therapy might be allow you to deal with it without feeling like you do.

I hope you get the help you need, I have been where you are now and it's a horrible place to be.

Good Luck

I really can't durham, all they'll do is give me ADs which don't work for me anyway and make me woozy and tired and out of sorts and if there's one thing I know it's that i need to have my wits about me.

Ring the Samaritans and have a talk about it.
They're a fantastic resource -for ordinary people like you, who just need a pointer.

Are you in danger?

AgentZigzag has reminded me that the first time it hits you you can't think back and say I've got through this before, is this the first time you've felt this way?

It might help to share some of the details MN is very good at helping to untangle stuff but you might prefer namechanging/posting in a section that disappears after days.

I have survived depressions caused by various very difficult events and a
breakdown when I really damaged my life - I wish I'd had MN then to stop me mucking up so badly.

As Agent says , you are not alone

No, it isn't the first time, I think that's the thing, as I've just lost energy and feel exhausted at the prospect of starting again, again. You know?

I'm in no danger, just really so very unhappy. i hate myself.

Is the help that you need something that exists or is possible or practical? I mean, is it magic wand stuff that is impossible due to the laws of physics or something or things that are physically possible to change, if only you felt able or knew how to? Because some things that make us sad are things we cannot change and have to learn to cope with, some things we are afraid to change and may choose to learn to live with but many things we CAN change, it is the process that is hard.

Would volunteering help, it's a way to hopefully make friends

I think both vital. I just am and feel unloveable, unlikeable, despicable. I'm sure my nearest and dearest if I had any would refute this which is further evidence if any is needed that I am if that makes sense.

I know someone at the moment who I imagine could have written your post.
They've been on my mind all weekend and I'm torn between wanting to support them and, tbh slap then for the way they're affecting others.

It's very hard to watch someone self destruct but unless they will accept help, it's inevitable.

Such a bloody waste of talent with the person i know. Bet it is with you too. Please don't give up on yourself and your power to change things.

Make a tiny plan for each day and take it from there.

Day one: I will get out of bed and make myself my favourite cup of tea

Day two: I will do something else nice for myself (join library/buy magazine/chocolate)stupidly trivial and small but must be a treat for you

Day three: put myself in a position where I might meet new people (even nice ones!): volunteering, church, night school etc

Small steps is the only way when things are as bleak for you as you say. Try to tackle it as 'my life is crap' is too immense and you'll never move forward

I am sure that you are very very far from any of those things.

I don't want to pry because clearly you don't want to go into it, but I urge you to get some help.

You deserve to be happy in life.

sometimes, changing ONE thing can make you feel that you have the power to change many things, iyswim.

Is there one thing, no matter how small you think it is, that you can change? Doesn't even matter what it is, just something that you, by your choices and actions, can alter about your life, or your day, or something.

Then you can see that you can make changes.

great thanks Carly, cheers. Lovely to know anyone who might give a shit actually wants to slap me! I doubt you do know me though as to my knowledge I am doing nothing to hurt or harm others although I am having the favour returned to me despite this.

The weird thing is I manage to put on a front of being a normal and functioning human being. It's inside I'm crucified with pain. I'm sorry.

I think Carly just meant it is so hard watching someone you care about self destructing and wanting to help but them not accepting that help. I don't know you or any thing about your situation apart from that you seem to be desperately unhappy and feeling hopeless but depression does make people feel like that, feel that there's no way out and that no one cares about you, it can also lead you to push away those people who are trying to help. I think other posters have offered some really good generic advice about small steps which would help no matter what the origins of the difficulties. Depression is treatable, ADs may help, there's lots of different types and sometimes it's a case of finding the right one for you. However if AD aren't for you talking therapy can be very helpful for some people so don't let GP just prescribe drugs if you want to talk to someone. Hope you feel better soon, things can change.

I have been in this situation, at 20 years old, too many times.

I was in this state after having a termination then again recently after becoming homeless.

But, if theres one thing I know about life its that you never know whats round the corner. I was ready to give it all up a few weeks ago, couldn't see any way out, then I found out that I was pregnant and that was my turning point. And I know that even when things seem unbearable things will happen that make them bearable again.

You seem to be suffering from depression, I have personal experience with this illness, and the absolute best thing you can do is to see your GP. They dont just dole out meds, they can also do counselling or therapy which I would recommend, having seen first hand the difference that it can make.

If you are feeling suicidal give the samaritans a ring, also not sure where in the country you are but there is a place in London called Maytree which is worth a look at.

Also online there is a fantastic community called 7cupsoftea where you can annonymously talk about your problems with a trained listener. I found that becoming a listener helped me loads. Also organisations like mind and rethink are worth contacting.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it from where you're sat.

Even if you feel like you have no friends or family, you would be surprised at how much people want to help, given the chance. Churches are often full of friendly and helpful people even if you aren't of a particular faith.

I second what ilovepud says. Don't rule out ADs. I had tried them before - they hasn't worked for me and if anything made me just feel horrible. However the past year I've had some very awful stuff to deal with it and felt ever so desperate. The doctor gave me different ADs and they helped no end. So please don't give up!

I also know how frustrating it is when you do need some sort of talking therapy from the doctor as well. I've been waiting about a year and a half now and it's awful!

What it trying to say is maybe give the doctor another go and perhaps think about turning to one person in real life as well. They will care greatly and be pleased you turned to them.

It is really frustrating watching someone else go through this when in your own head you can think of a thousand ways that you'd get through it, so why can't they find their way out?

But that makes it so much worse, when the safety net things like going to the doctors, the samaritans, finding new friends, dragging yourself out of the depths you're in by sheer will power, you know just won't help.

You want this to go away now but can see the time in front of you stretching out with no change, and that drags you down further.

Feeling like there's a lack of options to relieve yourself of the pain can be a 'dangerous' time though, because you start considering options that really shouldn't be given head space.

Hi swallows I have often felt completely unloveable and I can find quite good evidence for this when I am feeling down. Interestingly I am not so concerned about it when i feel ok IYSWIM. When I feel awful I am tortured by things I still haven't solved when I feel better. If this sounds like nonsense or unhelpful please ignore me.

I know what it is like to be feeling awful inside but putting up a good front and DP is even better at doing this than me. He has found Black Dog Tribe helpful.