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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel like I've ruined my life

115 replies

swallowsflysouth · 06/09/2014 11:52

I can't give many details but I am in a really desperate place. I have no family to help. I have no friends to help. I am really completely, totally alone. I know what I want from life but not how to get it; i know this is a stupid thread as noone can really help but I'm desperate, please don't flame me for not giving more details.

please, could you tell me if you've come back from despair

OP posts:
Isabeller · 06/09/2014 16:57

Btw in your OP you said you know what you want from life. Can you say what this is or is it too bound up with things you don't want to reveal here?

carlywurly · 06/09/2014 17:38

I'm sorry op, I was really clumsy in my choice of words. Thanks ilovepud, for seeing I didn't mean to be unkind. I meant it in a metaphorical way. I'd want to do something to break the state or course of events.

I won't say much more as I don't want to upset you, and also I can see that I may well be projecting on to the thread, which isn't helpful. I'm probably going to have to dismiss someone from work this week who is bright and talented, but seems to have pressed the self destruct button in every area of her life. It's heartbreaking to witness. I'm so frustrated that I can't help her.

I hope things get better for you soon.

redexpat · 06/09/2014 17:42

Are there ant counselling charities or self help groups? If you need talking therapy it might help - and when youre feeling a bit better i recommend reading how to do everything and be happy by peter jones. I dont think it will help right now though. Start by talking to your gp and rule out any physical causes of exhaustion. Thanks Brew

flippinada · 06/09/2014 17:49

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. The great thing about MN is, if you want to talk, there is something who will listen.

I agree with others that you sound very, very depressed and I suspect from what you have said isolated as well?

MN can help with the talky side of things but I really would recommend speaking to someone,whether it the Samaritans, your GP, or another source of support. But keep talking here in the meantime.

Thinking of you Flowers.

flippinada · 06/09/2014 17:50

Oh blimey, typo time again. I meant someone, not something!

morningtoncrescent62 · 06/09/2014 18:01

OP, I've come back from despair. ADs don't work for me, talking therapies don't work for me (I completely dry up and can't speak in therapy-type situations) and I've gone to bed praying never to wake up again more times than I can count. It's survivable.

Without any details it's difficult to give any advice at all, so all I can do is tell you what works for me. And that's as someone up-thread said, take it one day, one tiny step at a time. Make a list of things that give you some degree of pleasure, even just a little bit. I'm deliberately not saying 'things that make you happy' because that probably seems out of reach right now. But go for the small things, and ones that aren't harmful! A cup of tea, a favourite TV programme, a walk in the park, whatever. And make yourself do one of them, one day at a time, until it gets to be a habit.

You say you know what you want from life, but not how to get it. Well, I'd say don't dwell on what seem like long-term out-of-reach aims right now. Establish some habits of doing nice things - it'll get you into a better place. Then you can start looking realistically at what you want and break it down into what you need to do, medium-term, to get there. And if necessary, at what compromises you need to make - spending your life pining after the perfect life you can't have is much worse than going for (and mostly getting) the life that'll do, even if it's not quite as you'd hoped.

I won't go on about what my issues were/are, but just to say that about 15 years ago I was a complete mess in terms of relationships, friendships, job, housing, money, weight. Things are far from perfect now, and I get moments of feeling utterly alone and wishing my life had worked out differently - but I know the moments will pass, and they don't swamp me like they used to.

I hope this helps - I'll be thinking of you. Flowers

frumpet · 06/09/2014 18:08

Can you be honest with us and yourself ? is it absolutely every single little bit of your life that is ruined or is it just one major part , like a job or a relationship ? I know we all feel a bit 'nobody loves me , everybody hates me and i am going to go and eat worms ' at times , so if you are just wanting a good old rant thats fine too , especially if you don't feel you have anyone else to confide in at the moment .

FantasticButtocks · 06/09/2014 18:17

What makes you feel you have ruined your life?

I think if you can ruin your life you can also choose to repair your life.

Thanks
swallowsflysouth · 06/09/2014 18:25

Hello. Thank you for replies. I don't think i am suffering from depression so I don't think I need talking therapies or anti depressants. I just need/want circumstances to change but they won't/can't. I won't say any more as you'll all just tell me it's my fault but actually it isn't it really isn't.

OP posts:
flippinada · 06/09/2014 18:48

So it's a difficult situation that you're in? I'm guessing from what you say that you don't have any power/control over the outcome?

Without wanting to sound dismissive, and I'n struggling to think of the right way to phrase this, I'm wondering if you have buillt this up in your head as something shameful and horrible that can't be talked about, because that in itself can be very isolating and difficult to deal with and might make you feel worse.

I came back from the most horrific set of circumstances about 10 years ago. When I look back at that time, it's like I'm a different person - my life is so much better than I ever imagined could be.

I can understand you don't want to say on here, but why don't you call the Samaritans? They don't judge and will listen.

swallowsflysouth · 06/09/2014 18:51

It's not exactly something awful I've done - more I've left some stuff far far too late. And everyone (including the samaritans) will just say it's my fault and I should do XYZ to change things - but I CAN'T!

Thanks for letting me whine Flowers

OP posts:
flippinada · 06/09/2014 19:04

Why do you think they will say it's your fault?

What I can tell you is (having spoken to them myself) is that they are there to listen and be supportive,what they will definitely not do is pass judgement on you.

Link here if you are interested: www.samaritans.org/

If you are in Scotland, you could also give Breathing Space a call: www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/

flippinada · 06/09/2014 19:05

You're not whining and you are welcome Thanks and Brew and what the heck Cake if you fancy it :)

myroomisatip · 06/09/2014 19:20

I have been in the utter depths of despair, for a long time.

I did not have the courage to change my situation so I felt that I COULDN'T.

I did not have any support around me either.

But, I eventually did manage to change my circumstances, not in the way I wanted or should have done but I did.

Wine
swallowsflysouth · 06/09/2014 19:37

Thank you.

I know Samaritans would ... I don't know. It's a bit pot luck really, who you get (used to be a volunteer myself.) for instance, one thing really upsetting me is that I won't ever have a baby I don't think, but I'd be given advice and I've thought of every conceivable thing myself, but ... And I hate going through it all, over and over.

Thanks again Flowers

OP posts:
PistolWhipped · 06/09/2014 19:38

I got out of a women's refuge and then completed rehab. It's never too late to change the course of your life, but you may have to tweak your original plans. The most important thing in life is to be content. Happiness is overrated Smile

Iwasinamandbunit · 06/09/2014 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PistolWhipped · 06/09/2014 21:04

Iwasinamandbunit, I am in awe. Well done you Thanks

PistolWhipped · 06/09/2014 21:06

Swallows, having a baby is not the pinnacle of life. There has to be other ways of finding the ultimate fulfilment for you, otherwise infertile women would never find contentment and joy..and they do.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/09/2014 21:09

I am doing nothing to hurt or harm others although I am having the favour returned to me despite this

Is somebody hurting you?

swallowsflysouth · 06/09/2014 21:13

Pistol, it isn't just not having a baby but I do have to say that personally speaking I always saw a future as one where I was a mum and I don't think I'll ever be truly content since I don't think I will.

Yes people harm me, by insulting me, by ignoring me, by telling me it's all my own fault and things would be different, I just can't say any more than that. I rang the Samaritans but no help. Thank you for listening to me anyway. X

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 06/09/2014 21:17

Yes, I've been in the absolute depths of despair.

I convinced my mam to agree to let me kill myself if I still felt the same in six months. That was the deal,I was so sure the pain would never end.

As you can tell I'm still here, I didn't feel that way six months on,I want happy by any means, but I was crawling forward.

You need some sort of help love, it's a shame you can't name change and start a thread, you'd be amazed at the people who would say they've been through the same, and really help you.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/09/2014 21:22

If people think that you're to blame, does that mean it's a situation that you could possibly control or change if you felt up to it?

Because, if so, then there's hope that it WILL get better, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

Maybe try visualising what you want to be different, then start thinking of small steps you could take to work toward that ultimate goal?

swallowsflysouth · 06/09/2014 21:32

Walter, no, even though everyone would insist I could :) I really can't. That's why I haven't gone into detail as although people mean well they'd just start saying do this, do that, and it would totally work for them if they did it, but not me!

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 06/09/2014 21:49

I'm sorry to hear that.

Would a total change of scene help? New job/new house/new town?

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