to feel like I've ruined my life

[swallowsflysouth]

I can't give many details but I am in a really desperate place. I have no family to help. I have no friends to help. I am really completely, totally alone. I know what I want from life but not how to get it; i know this is a stupid thread as noone can really help but I'm desperate, please don't flame me for not giving more details.

please, could you tell me if you've come back from despair

Our lives are totally pointless and fruitless and things are just getting worse

Look at your dc Ynys. You've raised your kids, they're fed and clothed and housed. What you're doing isn't pointless, it has one massive, important end goal. When you're backed into a corner financially I know it can feel like there's no way out but there will be...now or in a month or a year. The dc will get older, the mortgage will get smaller and things will change.

I'm not the best at useful advice but didn't want to ignore

Samaritans can't offer any advice but they are totally brilliant at just listening w/o judgement. They have always calmed me down during periods of crisis and while they don't give solutions, they really can help make you feel stronger and more in control.

And they all have such lovely voices

Sometimes just having a sympathetic ear to listen, helps. Maybe we can't solve the actual problems but I hope the support and sympathy on here has gone a little way to making you feel better about yourself.

Sometimes situations are shit. But many people on here say that what seems hopeless at the time, does change over time. Don't give up on hope.

Don't give up on doctors either - you too ynys, as sometimes you have to try different meds before you find one that works. You both seem very depressed.

Go to the GP. GET HELP. you are ill. sorry but you are wasting your time here.
if you were diabetic or you had broken your arm would you go it alone?

My daughter cried at bed time on the first day back at school because all the others talked about holidays and the all important grandparents and she's the only one who has neither.

This is so sad - op I really feel for you; are there any local community groups in your area ?

I can't fully answer yet but wanted to say yes I gave felt like you
I think you are poss look at the whole of ur life as a global thing and in a negative way which I totally understand but then affects ur view
How about doing a positive journal that records all the good things ?
When you are overwhelmed it is hard to remember and I find it very helpful to remind me when my mind can't do it .
Also do a small manageable task that you can achieve - it can temp boost mood x

I can sympathise. Also know the "will never have a baby" thought - it's true in my case as well. But like you can't tell anyone as they'll just argue it. In my case it's because I feel I'm too old. And single.

I have been in the depths of despair - was on ADs for a few years and ended up in hospital. Had counselling a few years later which helped - took a while but eventually I reached the point where I wasn't assessing every new situation for suicide possibilities.

I think what worked for me was having a counsellor who 'got' me. I've had a few in my life and some of them did do what you are saying. (I remember one telling me I needed to get out and join groups as a means to meet someone, not hearing me when I said it wasn't the meeting people I had problems with but the trusting them enough to become friends, let alone having a relationship.)

ynys have a look at "people per hour".

You can offer your services through the online forum. I use them all the time for data entry stuff, teleappointment booking etc etc.
You can choose the hours you work so would fit in around the school run etc.

All I have to offer is that mental health help has a LONG way yet to go. Keep on keeping on at the professionals who are supposed to help.
The AD's you're given don't work? Ask for different ones, and keep on asking until you find something that alleviates just a little of the pain.
I've a dear friend who suffers with awful, crushing, depression. It's a chemical imbalance but so far, few meds have helped. Most days it's too difficult for her to get out of bed AND get showered. But some days she manages, and we talk.
The reasons for her depression are not necessarily logical to a neurotypical person (or what you might call 'the bod on the street), but that is because she is not neurotypical.
I think Snow is onto something here - finding a good counsellor could be a way forward.

You are being tested op

You are being tested op.....so will God appear and sort it?

Ynys - did you know about the British Gas Energy Trust?
They provide grants to families struggling financially and who are in distress. It isn't based on benefits or anything like that - it is aimed more at your sort of family. "Applications to the British Gas Energy Trust are welcomed from individuals and families in need, suffering or other distress and are not restricted to customers of British / Scottish Gas. However you must be living within England, Scotland or Wales to be eligible to apply. "

Here is the link:
"The British Gas Energy Trust is part of a 'Shared Programme of Giving' with a number of other utility trusts and funds. By applying to the British Gas Energy Trust you will automatically be considered for help from any trust or fund within the shared programme."
www.britishgasenergytrust.org.uk/how_can_we_help.html

Good luck.

Ynys - I forgot to mention the Trust provides grants to buy energy efficient white goods such as cookers etc and also helps with covering energy bills. It sounds as if your family is the sort of family they are specifically aiming at.

Yes, I've been there. 4x suicide attempts, plus self-harming for many years. Took me a LONG TIME to come back from it, but I have. It is possible.

There is always a way back.

It often starts by doing something small. Yes, there are lots of things that we have no control over. Yes, life deals a very unfair hand sometimes. No, not all problems can be solved. But what you can build up is resilience so that you can cope with the crap that you have been dealt and work around it, slowly and gradually. That workaround is intensely personal - it is your way! .

Instead of focusing on the things that are overwhelming, focus on something small and discrete that you can do, in the very short term. It might be going for gentle exercise. It might be shining your sink. For me, it started with sewing a button on, of all things. The key thing is that it is achievable in just a few minutes. When you've done it - and it can be a completely arbitrary thing - stop, pause, and THINK how great it is that you just changed something. Give yourself a pat on the back for it. Then build on it, one step at a time, one thing a day.

I know it sounds silly, but personally I find gardening is tremendously therapeutic. Here's another thing that helps me: I go out to Aldi or any other discounter, and buy some cheap spring bulbs. I plant them in my garden. Throughout the winter, even in the harshest storms, they will be germinating. They are a promise that, even when the nights are dark and wild, the sunshine will return. The same is true of life. It does get better. Hang in.

I don't think 'some force' is telling you to get back to the kitchen sink - I think your husband is being really unsupportive both practically and emotionally. You sound like you are overburdened with drudgery and very naturally feeling pissed off and resentful of that. What happens when your husband comes in from work at night? He should be helping you around the house with the daily work and with jobs so that not everything falls on your shoulders.

I think the thing that leaps out at me is that you absolutely need some time to do something for yourself, and that something needs to lead to employment opportunities that will let you pay for more childcare. Your husband needs to understand how absolutely vital this is for you.

I would actually caution a little bit against pinning all your hopes on writing for the simple, practical reason that it's very hard to make a living at it. What you could do is go for something tangentially related to writing, and aim to pursue your writing more in your own time, in a support role. What about freelance editing, proofreading, that kind of thing?

Also, is the school club up and running now? If so, can you find a course to do on those days? What about distance learning with somewhere like the OU? (I think they have financial help for people who are struggling and it fits more easily around childcare). You can check whether you'd be eligible here: css2.open.ac.uk/fafcalculator/eligibility.aspx

Things always get better.
The feeling of having ruined everything and left things too late, wanting to turn the clock back etc is never true in my experience..it's more a feeling of panic at the time when you can't see a way forward and look back at wrong decisions as they seem.

The start of change is wanting to make a change. Start by making small changes and believing in yourself, you will get there.
It's entirely normal to have regrets..we all do... It's part of being human.

Are u in rural Wales? That can be very isolating.

Wd you feel more in control doing a job that didn't stress you but brought in ok and predictable money but you cd choose ur hours around school ? And writhing and you cd use the money for practicalities ?
I have just given up a good Decent paid but very stressful career but one that affected my mental health .
I'm doing cleaning . It pays ok and you can chose when you do it - you need a car which you have . Bit by bit I am saving mine and It may give you a sense of security and mental freedom to think and plan if you felt that the basics where covered ? I've not read the whole thread but felt suggest as I have been very depressed and this has really helped me .

I know what I want from life but not how to get it.

Hmm, I will go against the grain here and say that I don't think you need counseling or ADs. You just sound frustrated with your life, but you know what you want, which is a good start. And you are only 32... the world is your oyster.

So, what do you want? You mentioned a family, I think?

Ynys it might be worth starting your own thread, not that anyone is likely to mind you posting here, but you might get more responses when the title is geared to your own situation. I've just been trying to find a site mentioned on here a while back, which looked interesting; it was an agency aimed at mothers at home, which gave training in social media acount management, and helped with finding clients as well. Can't remember if it required start-up costs though.
Again, your own thread title could well attract useful suggestions from people with actual facts in their heads rather than 'I'm sure I vaguely remember . . .'
Best of luck.