To ask you to be honest - children of divorced parents?

[Notacs]

How much does it really impact on a child?

I know if I end my marriage the fallout will be huge but really and truly how much will that affect my children?

My parents divorced when I was 22, I wish they had done it when I was younger. Listening to their rows as a child was truly awful.

My parents split when I was 9. About to turn 26 now.

Honestly? It depends on how you handle it. I think my sibling and I benefitted from it massively. Not least because my step dad is a lovely man and much better equipped at dealing with my mums hair trigger temper than my dad ever was.

I can't imagine my parents being together now and haven't been able to do so for years now. It kind of amazes me they ever were married, they're so ill suited!

It was upsetting at first but really all that changed was my dad moved out and they stopped arguing. Still saw my dad most days etc.

Have good relationships will all three of my parents. Though I'd say the one least prone to ups and downs is actually the one I have with my step dad. My sibling would say the same.

Depends how you and your H behave during and after.
It affected me massively, but I think my dad behaved abysmally.

Ultimately you must do what you need to do, but make sure that you are grown up and considerate of everyone impacted.

That is encouraging. Thank you.

I keep reading reports which indicate otherwise!

The same as chicken. Honestly. I remember being very jealous of my friend who had divorced.

I spent a large part of my teenage years staying in her house. Her mum had a new partner, who was lovely. Her mum was happy and relaxed. It was a great refuge/escape from the horrible atmosphere in my home.

I have 4 DS aged 15, 13, 11 and 9 when I separated from my ex H 2 years ago. I can honestly, hand on heart (and after lots of talking to them about it too!!) say that they are happier now because their home environment is much calmer than it was before. The arguments have gone and my depression at living with ex-H has also gone! Strangely, their dad actually spends more "decent" time with them now that he sees them every other weekend so it's helped their relationship too.

Best thing my birth mother ever did my only sadness is that I couldn't live with my dad

They hated each other and it was not very nice to watch

Mine divorced when I was about 5 and I saw dad every week. I think I just grew up used to it. Other kids at school used to make comments about me not having a dad and that sort of thing but this was in the 80s, I think it's much more common now.
I always found Xmas hard as I always felt I was disappointing one parent by being with the other.
As an adult the trickiest times were my graduation and my wedding but that was more because I built it up into a big deal in my head.
I had a happy childhood and although I could be closer to my dad it hasn't had a terrible impact on me!

I'm the product of a really bitter divorce what after 22 years is still fuelled by a lot of anger.Honestly though, I really couldn't give two hoots. Both of my parents are remarried to people who really love them, they are both happy and settled and adore the GC. I get two lots of competitive b'day and xmas presents and santa arrives twice on xmas day. Kids get used to change eventually and as long as you can play on the positives, they will be fine.

We never argue.

Sunny, I know. It's just so hard to be reasonable when another person might not be.

I think it only really impacts on children if the NR parent disappears out of their lives or if there are continuing rows.

My parents divorced when I was around 18, but separated a couple of years before that. To be honest, they never really argued but one of my first memories as a child is of me trying to put their hands together when we were out for a walk. I knew even at that young age that their relationship wasn't as it should have been.

The impact of divorce was devastating for me, I can't deny it. The effects are far reaching, even now when I have children of my own I feel sad their GPs aren't together.

However, divorcing was probably better than my parents staying together. My father has met someone else and is very happy. Sadly my mother hasn't, but she has found her own way (eventually).

That is, myfriend who had divorced parents!

Oh and incidentally my parents divorced when I was in my mid twenties. It was really difficult as an adult as well.

My dad split with his first wife when their dc were 2 and 4. The older child got married young -23- and has been steadfastly married for nearly 30 years, 2 dc. The younger dc has never held down a ltr particularly well and is on his second (rocky???) marriage. No dc.

Mamma, that's totally at odds with everything I have read to be honest. Of course, it might not be accurate.

I've always thought it is harder in some ways for adult children whose parents divorce. Much more of an awareness of what is going on and also the expectation perhaps, to listen to the gory ins and outs of the split.

I just wish my mum had done it sooner. She left initially when I was 4 and we lived with my gran. Happiest time ever. She then decided to go back to my dad and had a breakdown and went into psychiatric hospital on and off between me being 4 and 9. Lots of arguing with dad etc etc. Dad wasn't a bad dad really just incompatible with mum. Finally divorced when I was 12.

If she had stuck it out and properly left when I was 4 I'm sure her mental health would have been better and life would have been less stressful. I have lots of memories of them arguing - once she even stabbed him with a fork and he got an axe to chop down the for sale sign outside the house and said if she didn't get out of the way he'd chop her head off. I was about 6 at the time. It was awful.

I myself have been divorced twice. I have an 11 year old dd who sees her dad twice a year (he's moved to the usa) and she seems largely unaffected by it all. I left him when she was 6 months old and then my second husband left me when she was 7. She seems fine actually. Very happy, social and in top sets. But I kept most if it hidden from her and she's never known living with her dad.

I think it depends how volatile the relationship is and how you handle it.

Op

I know I can only speak anecdotally, but I knew a fair few people whose parents were divorced when I was growing up,particularly in high school. None were lastingly damaged by it.

I think the behaviour of the parents is so important. I only recall a handful of rows pre-split between my parents but I'd been aware for a while that they weren't behaving as they had been.

I never saw them argue once they had split. It was an "I don't love you anymore" kind of split and I think much harder for my Dad, as he was the one who was no longer loved.

I think on the whole they were better parents for being apart.

My parents divorced when I was seven, and me and my brother moved out of the family home with my mom. My mom said the only question I asked at the time was if there would be cable TV in our new house!

I lost contact with my dad when I was 10 (he was a horrible man and just stopped turning up to pick up me and my brother one day).

I don't feel the divorce has had any negative effect on me. I have a lovely stepdad, my family are very close and we're all leading happy, productive lives. I don't think it would be the same if my parents had stayed together.

I think children are affected when their parents' relationship is bad -- whether they end up divorced or not.

What I mean is -- yes, it was not fun having divorced parents and there is some lingering impact. But it would have been terrible if they had stayed together too. The proper comparison isn't between divorced and not divorced, it's between good and bad relationships.

In most cases, the alternative to divorce isn't a happy relationship -- it's still a bad relationship that you stay together in. So you may as well split and have a chance to meet someone else who will make you all happier.

We'll, my mum died when I was in secondary school and you'd have thought I was fine.

I wasn't fine at all, though. And everything I've read says divorce is like a bereavement to a child.

I agree with Chicken. If my parents had divorced when I was a child, we'd all have been happier people. They were terribly unhappy together and I was in the middle and it was thoroughly miserable.

My parents split when I was 15. I knew it was coming, actually she admits now that she probably should have left earlier, but didnt. She is so much happier now, and my stepdad is amazing. My mum and I are very close. My dad was a bit useless, although he has got better since I have a dc.
They didnt go on about each other, they just dont speak. Its fine, awkward for me at graduations and wedding but its all good. Im glad they aren't together, not good for either of them.

Depends though, my step brother was 22 and when his parents divorced he acted like a spoilt brat (still does) he acts like it was the worst thing in the world. People sometimes dont get on and they are better apart. Its better for the children if the parents are happy

I would have thought a major thing like a divorce and then possibly a house move (?) would mean that the people getting the divorce are under a huge amount of stress while trying to keep it together for the kids so it surely must have some effect on your parenting and therefore on your children.

It all depends on how you handle it and no once case will be the same.

Notacs

I didn't feel bereaved. Upset yes, but not bereaved.

I don't think divorce is anything like bereavement. Even if the NR parent disappears and doesn't have anything to do with the children, they still could.

Sorry for your loss