To ask you to be honest - children of divorced parents?

[Notacs]

How much does it really impact on a child?

I know if I end my marriage the fallout will be huge but really and truly how much will that affect my children?

We split when dd was 5 and ds a newborn.

Dd now 11, told me the other day it still hurts but it is "way better than when dad lived here"

Ds now 6 asks regularly if I "can come for a sleepover at dad's" (!) and in general has a lot of sadness about the separation.

I think it was living with 2 parents who hated each other and my father being an immature selfish twat that did the damage. They should have divorced much earlier. I was 18 when they divorced. Sadly I see the effects rubbing off on my own relationship with my DH.

My mother had the idea that waiting until I was 16 was the right thing To do. She should have left before I was conceived. Their relationship had a disasterous effect on my life. It took me 38 years To seek therapy and then 3 years in therapy to become a confidente happy person.

If you need or want To leave then you should and put your energy into guiding your DCs through the tránsition.

My parents divorced when I was 8 (mid nineties). I initially felt quite strange because I was the only child who had divorced parents in her peer group but this is vastly different these days.

I can only speak for myself here..... Let me take my mind back to when I was a child.... Parents fighting screaming arguing, hurling insults. It's not nice for any child to witness I actually used to pray for my parents to get divorced. They finally did when I was 18. It's had no inpact on me at all.
Maybe I'm strange though.
It's strange because mum and dad get on famously now., they're fine separate.

Staying together in a toxic relationship could also effect the children.

I am a child or a non acrimonious divorce yet it still really has an effect on me. I think it depends on your bench marking.

There has been something in the papers in the last few days that it is splitting up itself not being acrimonious that causes damage. Only you can gauge if it is worth it.

My parents are together bit DH's split when he was a teenager, the right decision at the time and they both get on and are re-married. However, there is still a sadness about it for him which he only really addressed when we were getting married and discussion of vows and what they meant.
The other impacts are just the number of grandparents/adults involved in life and logistics eg. parents visit as live far away his parents are two weekends rather then one as mum comes then dad so less time for us.
Finally if they were together mortgage would've been paid by now and both are poorly prepared for future which worries us not them (I think they expect us to support them and what happens if parent dies do we still care for step parent etc? although they all get on wouldn't push it)
So yes, there is an impact whatever the decision but that doesn't mean it's the wrong one x

Parents split when I was a baby, I don't remember them ever being together so know no different. Had no issue with them being separated, in fact I actually liked it for really superficial reasons like two lots of presents for birthdays and Christmas . Financially it probably put me in a better position as a child too because they both split costs down the middle for stuff like school trips, new clothes etc.

The shit thing that wrecked my childhood was the abusive wanker my mum chose to be in a relationship with from me being two until fifteen. Nothing to do with parents separating at all.

Every circumstance is different isn't it.

I was 13, one week after I started high school my parents split up.

It ruined my teenage years, I went off the rails, messed up at school & my exams results suffered. My relationship with my parents suffered for years after, both took up with other partners very quickly.

That was 1988, my dad is no longer with us but my mum & I have still never spoken about that time, it would open a huge can if worms that we may never recover from.

I was 13, my brother 10 when our parents divorced.

I have no idea who instigated it, but thank god they did - the arguing was horrific.
Apart they have always been very amicable, and able to share in the "high points" in our lives. I even have them both over for Xmas dinner, plus new partners!
Admittedly I don't know anyone else who has that level of comfort with their exes, but I'm glad our parents were able to.

I was 10 and tbh i was devastated. I felt so sorry for my dad living on his own and i was mixed up and angry for years.

Another who was massively relieved when my parents divorced. It had been awful watching my dad destroy my mum.
I was 15 when they eventually separated. I had a terrible relationship with my father before and after but home was much calmer and I no longer worried about my mum.
My Dsis was much younger than me so it affected her more. Going between two homes, not being able to have hobbies on the weekend as he wouldn't take her? However, she cannot really remember the awfulness of before they split. Thank goodness.

Being totally honest here. It affected my childhood in a big way - and had a worse impact on my brother, who missed my dad dreadfully, and clashed with my stepmum and stepdad. I was 9, he was 6 when dad left (for OW).

I was a child in the 70's, so blended families weren't so common then. It affected my brother and I in so many ways it would take me an age to describe it all.

Both parents quickly went on have more dc with their new dp's. Db and I always felt 'caught in the middle' of two 'complete' families - moving back and forth between the two. My half siblings on both sides had much smoother, more advantaged childhoods than DB and I did. We were constantly sidelined by both step parents. My stepfather told me and brother that if we failed our A levels and didn't get to University, "we were out". Of course no such threat was given to his own daughters, who have been lavished with both money and support.

Sorry it sounds bitter. Despite what I've written above, my childhood was generally happy, and I adore my half and step siblings. I have a huge extended family now - and IMO that's a good thing. I certainly have led a more interesting life than if my family had remained the usual nuclear family.

But problems of divorced parents have continued into my adulthood. My stepmum insisted on coming to my graduation day, despite me only being able to get 2 tickets - one for mum, one for dad - and hung around awkwardly all day. Arranging my wedding was a fecking nightmare.

But speaking as an adult, I would never have expected my parents to stay in an unhappy relationship just for my sake - something tells me that would have been worse. I still remember them bickering all the time, and feeling that they didn't like each other that much.

Very happy my parents divorced, although my brother took it badly and blamed himself. I was in my early twenties. They are much better apart, and I wouldn't have wanted my mum to have sacrificed her own happiness for 'us' especially as our happiness was very dependent on hers anyway.

Mine divorced when I was 19, I wish they'd done it sooner.

My parents divorced when I was 5, it took a few years to realise that I didn't really mean that much to him and it fucked me up royally tbh. I have huge relationship issues.

Don't stay in a relationship that is unhappy

Thanks for replies.

My biggest fear has always been my children would grow up in a 'blended' family where they are no ones priority. I would not let that happen on my part - I wouldn't want to get married again anyway and besides I doubt I'd meet anybody.

DS at 7 is my main worry in many ways but also DD - I wonder if she'll ever get the chance to build a relationship with her dad, and really would I want her to? But I'd have to. That scares me.

The things my parents did right, OP:

Never badmouthed each other. Not ever.

Both made an effort with contact. I'm in my 40's, and the other week my dad told me how much he missed me and my db when he left. I didn't know what to say tbh

Stayed on good terms.

Dad paid maintenance (apparently 3 out 5 dads don't ??) and has been quite generous financially to me as an adult.

I feel there should be more - but I just can't think of them right now!

I remember talking to a friend about it - and looking on the bright side,saying things like, oh well, I get 2 holidays and 2 sets of birthday/Christmas presents. She said to me "is that all you care about? Presents and holidays?" As if I had made a choice about it

*I was about 11 or 12 when I talked to that friend...

But if you never bad mouth the parent, how do they know why you left?

Honestly, yes it affected me very much. There was a lot of pain and hurt and I spent years pulled between two parents.

My DD's father and I never lived together, and split up finally when she was 2. She gets on fine with DP and doesn't remember him ever not being there (got together when she was 2) but has always wished that we could be one big happy family and live together, rather than her dividing her time between two households and only seeing her dad every other weekend. I think that any child, given the choice, would want their parents to live together (in the absence of horrible rows/atmosphere/violence or whatever).

Ah, I don't know OP. Dad left for another woman - he told us that sometimes you meet someone that you can't live without, etc.

If the relationship is abusive, that's another matter altogether.

*Mum was incredibly selfless about the whole thing - although as an adult, I do know the full story now.

My parents marriage ended when i was 10 ish, i went from top of the class to the bottom.

But it wasnt the divorce it was the marriage breaking down, the DV, the rows, the tension, the appaling way it was handled.