To ask you to be honest - children of divorced parents?

[Notacs]

How much does it really impact on a child?

I know if I end my marriage the fallout will be huge but really and truly how much will that affect my children?

I think, OP, if you are in an abusive relationship, you do oe it to your dc to get out.

You are modelling relationships for your dc right now - and you don't want them to learn that this is how relationships are.

I did, at least, learn how loving relationships are formed, because even though my db and I had a hard time of it as children, my parents did genuinely love their new partners.

I learned a lot from my stepmum about how to handle men because she could deal with my dad in a way that my mum just couldn't.

It's terrifying taking their home, and everything, away from them. Even if I could make it better, and I think I could, it's scary.

I do believe my DH loves them in his way but he's so impatient, shows dreadful favouritism, has a temper ... I do worry about unsupervised access to be honest.

It's so hard.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but just to say there is a fantastic book called 'Parenting: what really counts?' by an academic called Susan Golombok, that examines the scientific evidence on what really matters for children's healthy psychological development. It has a chapter on divorce and how it affects children, which picks apart the different elements - conflict between parents, disruption, having one parent living away etc - which is really useful, not least in helping to identify what you should focus on in making the process easier.

It's not cheap, but your library should be able to get it.

Er, is he abusive to you Notacs?

My parents weren't abusive to each other or us - so mine might not be the best story to listen to.

I think my dad regrets leaving my mum all those years ago. He frequently says things like "oh, she's a wonderful woman, isn't she?" - but he loves all his children - so he doesn't regret that part of it. He was besotted with my stepmum at the time - they're not together now, but they lasted 20yrs. He left her for another woman too.

I think most people would define his behaviour as abusive yes, it's hard as I do still love him but can't live with him any longer.

I can see why you feel conflicted, but I do think you owe it to your children to demonstrate that they deserve better than someone who treats them badly. I'm sure you think that they don't notice the problems in your relationship, but they are probably picking up more than you realise.
You know when you have a toddler and they are learning to speak, and they come out with phrases that you didn't even think you said that much, and it makes you realise that they really are a product of the things that they are exposed to? That carries on happening and they will both act out behaviours that they have seen you and your husband engage in. What would be worse - if one of your children ended up acting the way your husband does, or if one of them ended up in a relationship that makes them feel the way you do? It doesn't sound like either would be a pleasant experience for them, and if your husband won't change it, then you have to be the one. Good luck - there are always people who will help you if you ask.

Sabrinaaa your childhood sounds so similar to mine it's untrue! Parents divorced at 4, both went on to have kids with new partners. I was on my own in the middle really ( in the 70s). The whole 2 presents thing got mentioned loads by my mum who I think felt guilty (she left my dad). Like it made up for everything and wasn't it all great. In my 40s now and think it's affected me hugely but not so much the divorce more the crap childhood in general. Sad thing for me is that I haven't been able to have kids and I feel like infertility has dragged up a lot of childhood stuff for me. Mainly due to being pretty down and questioning everything in life.

But as everyone says don't stay in a miserable marriage for the children's sake.