To ask you to be honest - children of divorced parents?

[Notacs]

How much does it really impact on a child?

I know if I end my marriage the fallout will be huge but really and truly how much will that affect my children?

Mine divorced when I was in nursery school. I think it badly affected my later relationships if I'm being honest

Mine divorced when I was 6. They didn't argue prior to divorce at all, and despite the fact that my dad went off with one of my mum's friends, they remained relatively amicable afterwards. Even though it was all dealt with well, both my sister and I were negatively affected by it. In my case, whilst I am paranoid about being left out of the blue to raise young children alone, I can see rationally that my fears are just due to my upbringing. It took me a long time to have a good relationship with my dad, and even now we aren't close. My sister on the other hand was severely affected as she was a real daddy's girl. Despite evidence to the contrary, she blames mum for the split, has been bent on self destructive behaviour since, and at 30 still behaves like a teenager and blames our parents (mainly my mum who she doesn't even talk to) for everything that is wrong with her life.

The thing is op that divorce is very common nowadays and mumsnet isn't really a true representation because in many ways lots of people are drawn to the site precisely because they have family issues - not everyone that divorces or comes from a divorced family is traumatised. Having a step parent or step siblings isn't a bad thing at all. My step grandad is (was - he died a while back now) the most treasured and closest family member I ever had - over my mum and my gran. I miss him everyday.

My own family is a blended one - I am remarried with a toddler son and my dd aged 11 absolutely adores her brother. She always, always wanted a sibling and worships the ground he walks on. She and my dh (her step dad) are really close and often laugh each other silly all evening while I'm the one rolling my eyes in the kitchen.

She also has a lovely relationship with her dad who has now remarried too and has twins. She still sees all the grandparents and calls dhs mum and dad nanny and grandad as well as her dad's parents.

It's not all doom and gloom. I really think life is far too short to spend it in a miserable love less marriage.

My mum told me and my younger brother she wanted a divorce when I was 16, I'm 24 now and it still has a negative impact on my life. I don't think this had to be the case, she just handled it terribly. My dad wasn't a bad person, he loved her dearly but was always at work so he could pay for the nice house we all lived in, and I think she didn't like that he wasn't around very much. So she divorced him, sold his house and took all his money whilst his health suffered. Looking back I wish I had stood up to her, told her that if she wanted out she should go and leave us to it, but I was scared so ended up saying what she wanted to hear to keep her happy. I didn't want to lose my family home but would go house hunting with her, abd she was oblivious as to how I was feeling - as a pp said, kids are good at masking their feelings to protect their parents. Now my dad hates her (understandably) whilst shes off spending her new mans money instead. But I still get on with her, because its easier than having a hostile relationship and I can't bear arguing.

The only positive is that I'm determined not to put my son through that, and if me and my partner should ever hit a rocky patch I will try my hardest to keep our family together.

Fairy, I've deliberately looked at non-Mumsnet research - no offence to this site of course!

I know DH would happily stay married to me. It would be me who instigated separation and me who would be "to blame."

My parents divorced when I was 3 so I have no memory of us all living together. The damage was done by my mother's disastrous subsequent relationships. My father knew that things weren't right but by the time he was ready to be more involved it was too late.

My father left when I was 4. Stayed around until the divorce, then completely upped and left. Haven't seen him since, don't know if he's alive- I do know my half sisters from him, but their mother only knew him for a week and he left when she was pregnant (they're twins). And that did effect me short term, I think any divorce will make your kid upset and anxious around the time of the separation, but long term, or even within a year or so, I don't think it will. Even having my dad leave just became a part of my life iyswim? I remember thinking I was quite lucky compared to x or whatever, not having a dad or having parents who'd divorced just didn't come into it. I had a stepdad from 9-15 and I still see him and like him. It was quite amicable a divorce and it did hurt, but, again, I don't think it has affected me. I think all of us are happier that they divorced, including my brother and me, even though it wasn't a volatile relationship at all.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and I have no memory of them being together. There wasn't any backlash, me and my sister were absolutely fine. It was 25 years ago now and my parents have been able to stay friends and get on well so their divorce was never an issue or a problem.

Doesn't the evidence mostly suggest that it's some of the outcomes of a divorce (poverty, mental health problems, new partners introduced, parents using children as weapons etc) that have the impact? A well managed and amicable divorce or at least an adult approach to it is of course upsetting to children and leaves an impact but there's no real evidence that it harms them. Or that they'd be better off if their parents had stayed happily together. Some of my best adjusted friends had divorced parents. I know they all would say they wish it hadn't been that way but that they gained things from it they wouldn't have had otherwise (new siblings, better relationships with their parents, a bit of worldly wisdom etc).

My parents divorced when I was 14. It didn't affect me at all, it was a huge relief TBH. I never had the feeling the loved each other. I didn't think they even liked each other for years (never wore rings, never celebrated their anniversary etc) and the last few months were full of rows. I even yelled at them to hurry up and split up for all our sakes.

Dad moved out, brought a house in the same town. Gave me and my sister keys and we could come and go when we wanted. And he brought a kitten. No custody nonsense or alternative weekends either.

They were both happier in new relationships and we didn't have to listen to them bickering. Win / win really.

My parents split up when I was a teenager, doing my most important exams, then leaving 'home' when I no longer had a home. Please try to avoid this disastrous time - do it when they are younger or older.

My mum had an exit affair and walked out with this unpleasant man who resented me and my sister. Please don't put your shag before your children.

I think that it can be handled so much better than my parents did it - it really did blight my life. The problem wasn't them splitting up as much it was how and when they did it.

I am close to my mum as adult but still hold a lot of anger and resentment for how she behaved and I have made her suffer for it. She has also made herself suffer, as she is married to a prick. Don't move in with an exit affair, give yourself some space.

It does continue to be a bit shit to be honest - wedding & christenings were awkward and now it is tricky funerals. My family obviously isn't cool and grown up enough to rise to the challenge of being a successful blended family.

I used to have a supervisor (psychologist) who did research in this area. The research seems to suggest kids of parents who are divorced do this well. But this is just the headline news. If you look closely, the real
factors are poverty and parental conflict. In other words becoming a single parent makes you poorer (which can affect your kid's) and children of high conflict parents (both during and post divorce) can suffer. But none of these things are black and white....I would say modeling good relationships can only be a good thing and if you can't achieve that with your current partner well.....

Sorry... should read "kid's of parents who are divorced do less well"

Your children have the same age gap as my brother and I. So I was 9 and he was 2 when they split. He knows no different, it is his normal, always has been. Took a while for me to settle into it, as I was older but it's been my normal for longer than it hasn't.

My mum instigated the split and we've had many a cross word over the years but I've never blamed her for the split either in word or thought. Because I know my life has been better for their split.

My sibling and I still face the repercussions of our parents divorce over 30 years later. It not only affects us, but our children as well.

DDepends totally on how you both handle it. My parents split after both had affairs. It was acrimonious, court battles over custody of me (joint vs sole), money, access, everything. My mum moved me 200 miles away and refused to let dad see me in the presence of the OW - which logistically meant I never saw him. It was awful and traumatic for all concerned and damaged all our relationships. Like a textbook 'how not to divorce when you have kids'.
My cousin on the other hand, totally opposite. They managed to put their hurt feelings aside and organised 50/50 care or their son, attending parents evenings etc together, alternating christmases etc etc. We all went out for their son's 21st recently, cousin and her ex were there with their new partners, and it was a wonderful family occasion. If you can do it anything close to that then I don't reckon any harm is done, the opposite in fact. Good luck with your situation.

It's not an easy thing to go through. My parents never talked badly about each other and always discussed how to deal with us together. Very very amicable.

my parents divorced when I was 16. it had a huge impact on me and I have never really told my parents how much. I didn't want them to be unhappy and the rows were horrible but suddenly my whole life changed, house was sold v quickly and we moved to a new area. my sister was only 7 and everyone worried about her but she was fine tbh, saw both parents regularly. I was pretty ignored, dropped out of college and barely a word was said as they were so wrapped up in their own pain and creating new lives. I was on the cusp of adulthood and needed guidance and didn't get it. my sister being much younger was very much part of my parents new lives, they both remarried within a few years and she has a great and close relationship with our step parents. I get on well with them too now but it was harder. also being older I noticed things she didn't and generally understood the bad things they did to each other. I wish they had split when I was much younger, the timing was crap for me.

Best thing to ever happen. Not an impact at all in the grand scheme of shit that was to follow.

I was 10 when they divorced. My dad had a brain tumour but had just overcome chemo and was healthy. He lived round the corner and I remember those days fondly of riding round to his house whenever we wanted, he would buy us pizza at the weekends, LOADS of pocket money, trips at the weekend when he had us.

Fast forward 2 years and Dad had passed, Mum was handling it all very badly and continued to do so for about 20 years. Thats what I never got over. The divorce was sunshine and lollipops!!!

I do think it is different for older children popper. At 16 my dad, who moved to America to be with a lovely woman, told me he was coming back...for my brother. That hurt me deeply. But at 16 he was working full time and was very much less a child than I was at that age. He didn't mean it to be hurtful.

He regrets it now because as it turns out, it is me who is closer to him. And he still loves the woman he left and she him.

All my parents divorce and subsequent errors have taught me is that nobody is perfect and to expect perfection is to live a life of constant disappointment. People do their best to be happy, to make things work but sometime they aren't, they can't and they say the wrong thing.

Totally anecdotal, but everyone I know whose parents divorced when they were youngish (maybe under 10?) which includes me, was pretty much fine with it. There are things, of course, that are maybe negative. My mum didn't have much money, and I don't have the same faith in lasting relationships that I've noticed people who have parents who stayed together do. That said, my only memories of my parents together (I was 5) are of my mum crying, and she was a fantastic solo mum. I thinkI had a happier childhood with a happier mum than I would've had they stayed together.

The people I know whose parents divorced later have on average struggled much more with it. I suppose because they saw and understood more of what was going on, and maybe they felt more involved and/or responsible.

But no matter what age, as a child of separated parents I would always say to separate if you are unhappy and it can't be fixed. Always. Think about it - your relationship is the model your children will think of as the model of a healthy relationship, if you stay together. Do you want your relationship to be their template?

I have never gotten over it. It happened in 82. I'd never heard of the concept of mums and dads living apart and the shame was unbearable at 11. But my mum and dad never argued. I have abandonment issues. However these days it's so much more common and I doubt children would feel the same as me these days

It's the best thing my parents ever did!

I was 4-5 bro was nursery age.

Il be honest the first months were tough ONLY because dad was worried about losing his kids so was being difficult as soon as he realised we were always going to be his kids everything was fine.

They became friends who parented together, (you couldn't ever play them of each other as they'd just call the other to check, hahaha)

Mum remarried soon after. She had 2 more kids who called my dad uncle.

I now call my stepdad. dad/his name (I flip between the 2.)

I wanted them both to walk me down the aisle (sadly dad died so that won't happen)

Years later mum said the blip in their friendship was their marriage.

If you both behave like adults put the kids first and really stick to parenting together then in my opinion the kids won't care that their parents are married in the years to come they will only care that their parents get on with each other.

I also tend to agree with SHASKA for some reason people I know who've had the hardest time even if the divorce went well were teens when parents split up.

I don't know why that is though