To ask you to be honest - children of divorced parents?

[Notacs]

How much does it really impact on a child?

I know if I end my marriage the fallout will be huge but really and truly how much will that affect my children?

BTW, my parents divorced when I was in my 20s and I am one of those people who says 'I wish they had done it sooner' but there's no way of knowing how it may have impacted on me if they had.

I wish my mum had left my dad when I was young (in my early twenties when she eventually did) because then my siblings and I would have stood a chance of having a normal happy childhood without our abusive horrible father around.

As soon as my marriage made me feel like I'd felt as a child (not even sure what those feelings were) I left with the DC because there was no way I was having them brought up living like that. Home should be a happy place with people who love and respect you. That's what we have now

Pointless I also found my wedding and graduation hard. I wasn't a bridezilla or anything but having two people you love but who won't speak to each other is hard.

Thanks, ali that's a relief.

I couldn't make my children feel like this, through choice, if you see what I mean. At the same time I am very unhappy.

My parents divorced when I was 14, it was a huge shock and upset to the wider family with lots of ill-feeling. I think it affected me more deeply than I realised at the time with long-term consequences.

It affected my brother too, who was five. He has never had children. He has had a series of steady girlfriends, but each relationship finished after around three years - just when the GF was starting to think about settling down and having children. I think the split affected him badly and because of that he couldn't face the responsibility of becoming a dad.

He is happy now, with a woman who already had two children from a previous relationship and hence is not putting him under pressure to have children.

But what Mermaid, Chicken and PM write are probably more relevant to take into account in your decision.

Personally it left me scarred for life but that's because my Dad wasn't interested in us anymore and stopped seeing us quite quickly (I was 9 and my sister 14). I still have abandonment issues in my 50s lol.

If both parents can agree (and stick to) when each of you has them and stay as friendly as possible its got to be better than staying together when you don't want to. That's my opinion only of course.

Personally, I found it hard - not because my parents were actually divorced, but because the behaviour that lead my mum to wish to divorce my dad was still evident in my relationship with him. The fact that he was selfish and thoughtless was more noticeable without my mum to mitigate the impact of his actions, but no doubt would have become more-so as I grew older either way.
In some ways I was a bit resentful that my mum got to walk away from him and we were still stuck seeing him, but, again, that wasn't as a result of their divorce per se, just the nature of having any kind of relationship with him (can you tell we don't get along! ).
On the whole, I think we were all better off apart - my mum and my step dad are basically my parents and my step dad has been more of a father to me that my dad has despite us having a fairly rocky road along the way.

My parents split when I was 3/4 and eventually divorced when I was 8/9, the only sad times I remember were the occasional couple of times my dad called my mum, usually big events like Xmas (we weren't NC at all, went every other weekend until about 13/14) when he was obviously missing us (ow involved in the break up) but the over riding feeling is of the upmost respect for my mum for being strong enough to end it with 2 v.young children, honestly she is my inspiration in her strength at us living in hostel type places whilst she worked PT until we were able to get a lovely home and then raising 2 daughters who are pretty cracking girls if I may say so myself! If I can do half the job with my kids as she did with us I'll be so proud

She eventually met my stepdad, and everyone is very civil including sitting at a parents only table at my wedding! I think it's also made me value my marriage and work hard at it, but also I'm aware that I won't take any shit, she didn't so I certainly won't!

Personally I'm glad they divorced, and although I'm not particularly close with my dad, we get along fine, everyone is much happier in these lives than they ever would have been if they had remained together :)

Hugs for you and your DC's

My DSis and I spent most of our teens wishing that our parents would divorce. Knowing they're only staying together because of you., i.e "for the sake of the children" is a heavy burden to bear, when everyone's lives are hellish.

My DDs lives would have been miserable if ExH and I had stayed together. As it is they had two happy parents who remarried partners much more suited to them, then we were to each other IYSWIM?

It has a huge effect on the rest of their lives, all the way through potential step families and their own kids having extra grandparents to visit etc

I don't think you're listening to what people are saying. I think you came here hoping to get horror stories to justify staying in your unhappy relationship, and you're not getting them.

Life is so short. Please, please re-read what people are actually telling you.

Well I certainly won't be marrying again or getting I to another relationship for precisely these reasons but DH probably will and will probably have other children too.

How do you know what I'm thinking cinnarbar, you don't know me.

A couple of my friends have lost parents, one late teens, one when he was around 10. Having seen them go through that and experienced my parents divorce, I can honestly say any upset I felt paled into nothing in comparison to what they felt.

Please don't underestimate how important happy parents are to children. It might be tough at first, they will be upset. But children adapt, especially if the parents are able to get on still.

I think it was that we still had so much contact with our dad, saw him virtually every day (weekends were alternated), which made it less of a dramatic, world changing thing. But I am aware that my parents appear to have had a very amicable split compared to others.

How old are your children?

My parents divorced when i was eight. My mother later said that in hindsight she could see that I was depressed for some time afterwards, no energy, didn't want to play with my friends etc (dom't know if tecnically i was depressed or just sad)

In the long term I would say that the divorce did affect me negatively. The having two homes wasn't great. I think what affected me the most was that I felt this huge responsibility for my parents not being angry at each other. I would all the time try to deflect, and take on responsibility, and be the diplomat. At 19 I did manage to tell myself that it was not my responsibility to keep my parents happy, and I distanced myself a bit from that diplomat role. But even now, in my thirties, I still find myself slipping back, when it comes to things like christmas.

I am also very scared of people being angry at me, or other people being angry at eachother. I haven't had much success at relationships, no kids myself.

However, there's no way of knowing how i would have turned out if my parents had stayed married. And i definitely agree that a bad marriage can affect the children very badly.

I think few children come of of a divorce unaffected, but hey, who really come out of childhood unaffected by our families.

A friend of mine is just as afraid of people being angry as I am. Her parents are still married and have never fought in front of the children. So neither of us have any experience of parents fighting and making up again.

DS is 7, dd is only 5 months.

My mum and dad split when I was 8. I remember them sitting my little brother and I down to announce it. I was ecstatic. I wanted them to split up. The house was intolerable to live in until that point. We got a lovely step-dad a couple of years later and a lovely family life from the minute my mum and dad separated. I have to say, though, my dad was abusive to my mum and I didn't like him. It must be a lot harder for kids who will miss the parent they don't live with terribly.

'you'd have thought I was fine'

OP I think that's what makes this such a difficult question -- people, especially children, can be such good copers that it's hard to say what the real impact is.

Throughout most my life I would have said the divorce was no big deal -- but that was sort of the party line, both within the family and society at large. It wasn't until I was much older and trying to sort out some issues that I could really admit the impact it had had on me.

I am still glad they divorced though. If you think divorce is the right thing, then don't be put off by the hypothetical impact, because it may not be worse than if you stay together.

I certainly don't feel that what I went through was worse than my friends who lost parents -- I can't even imagine how awful that would be.

If your DC aren't seeing you and your DH engaging in positive interactions on a daily basis they will benefit from seeing you relaxed, happy and single...they will OP. Researchers LOVE trying to quantify everything and everyone and it's just not possible.x

The impact was pretty negative on me. This was partly financial, & partly because of poor & childish behaviour on the part of both my parents in the aftermath of the break up. There was a lot of ill feeling.

I have an old school friend whose parents got divorced at around the same time as mine (we were 12) & they handled everything so much better. Her dad wasn't difficult about maintenance payments, both her parents managed to behave in a civilized way to each other & didn't slag each other off to the children.

Her dad also continued to prioritize his relationship with his children & didn't start seeing less of them when he began a new relationship. Her parents basically behaved in the opposite way from mine, & it did - & still does - make all the difference.

Another one who find it hard to imagine her parents ever married now. They were so badly suited!
Obviously it's hard when it happened, but they behaved brilliantly and I'm sure that helped - never said a cross word about the other, never allowed us to play one off against the other (ie they cross checked our tales!) and were able to present a joint front at parents evenings etc. In fact, they work much better as vague friends than they can ever have done as husband and wife.

My parents separated with my father going to another country to live when I was four, my db was 8 and my dsis was 14.

I was very much the least affected. I didn't even realised that my parents were "separated", very much a taboo where I grew up and used to feel sorry for the only person I knew whose parents were divorced.

The main things I missed about not having a father were that I associated fathers with cars (those were the days), so we didn't have a car and all the other families around us had cars, but I particularly wanted to have a father to be able to play my mother and father off against each other as all my other friends could. As it was my mother's word was law

By the time my parents split they were toi hurt & damaged to start again.
I wish they had split earlier, id love to have seen my mum being loved.
They are both lonely now.in their golden yrs and rely heavily on us for everything.
As a mother your trying to do ehats best but there are times you need to put yourself first.
You may have tough times when the kids blame you but when they are adults they will understand and support you.

Speaking as a personal pov it was devastating for me aged 12, my dad was an alchoholic would openly cheat only reason why my mum stayed so long was that the house was in his name and she didnt want to end up in an hostel or some rough area where council may put her. Anyway although he was an arse with her I felt I was quite close to him more than the other kids anyway id be the one who always went out with him places etc the others never wanted to.

They didnt just split up he disowned the lot of us police were involved as he had made threats so he had to stay away from house, mum was lucky enough to buy him out and that was that never saw him for years later he apparently moved away. Bumped into him when I was avout 19 in A PUb he bought me a couple of drinks and that was it, he gave me his number but never replied to any txts. I messaged him on fb after the birth of my second son and still no responce I think his fb is dormant as hes had same profile picture for 6 years and nothing seems to have changed on it. Where he is now I dont know as he was brought up in care he didnt have any local family that we knew, its so upsetting and it has litrelly taken me years to get my head around it :(

I suffered from the age of around 14 with really bad anxiety by 16 I was been treated for depression and attending councilling so yes think it had a big impact on me not just as a child but as an adult, I am awfully insecure everyone ive ever cared or loved has left me in some way or another and constantly on my guard with OH

My own children are the opposite my eldest dd was 4 when me and my ex split up for good, we never lived together so I guess it makes a difference but she never batted an eyelid, my ds1 always seemed a bit confused hes had 2 houses but my twins have never given it a second thought we split when I was pregnant so theyve never known anything different

Also, in terms of the bereavement comparison, I think it could be fair to say that the initial response to divorce is a little like bereavement in that you can feel the kind of shock and initial sorrow that you have when losing a loved one, but it has nothing like the lasting impact of a bereavement because the adjustment to life with two houses is MUCH easier than the adjustment to losing someone altogether.

I don't, and I don't know anyone who does, really feel lasting sadness that their parents divorced - other issues maybe such as blame or anger, but not the kind of sadness that never really leaves you that you feel about someone you love dying.