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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to DS's classmates sister coming to his birthday party?

151 replies

donteattheplaydough · 05/09/2014 14:40

Oh the old party invite malarky....

DS has a 6th birthday party. I have invited his best friends, his best school friends, and also classmates who had invited him to their parties as I think that is polite. I didn't want a massive party - partly for my own sanity, and partly because we are having someone come to do an activity and I want everyone to have an opportunity to take part. So we have about 20 in total. I am not paying per head but I think 20 is plenty big enough for a party.

Anyway, so I invited a girl from his class whose party he went to earlier this year, her mum replies yes, but could her (older) sister come as well? I don't know the girl's sister apart from seeing her around school, and DS is not friends with her, nor is my DD.

I do have two older siblings of other children coming, but that is because they are good friends with my older DD and I thought it would be nice for her to have a couple of mates there. Also I did offer them the invite and they are family friends rather than schoolfriends. The mum wouldn't know any of this anyway.

I am inclined to say no, because if I wanted more children there I would have invited more of his classmates. If it's a childcare problem I would understand but she offers no explanation and anyway the children are old enough to be dropped off at this age (and have seen them being dropped off at parties by their dad before).

I can't talk to the mum as they have not come back to school yet, so I will have to send a text. I don't want to offend her but on the other hand I don't feel comfortable saying yes.

I have 3 DCs so go to plenty of parties, and only take one DC (unless another DC is specifically invited, usually to keep a sibling company!).

Or am I just being churlish?

OP posts:
TraceyTrickster · 08/09/2014 03:58

I had a party for my DD's 6th birthday. I invited a friend's little girl as they played nicely together (but not particular friends).

My former friend said ' I have to bring 8 year old son along as I have no care for him, he will not eat anything, I'll take him out at foodtime' (it was a strict numbers at a playcentre party).

On the day dad turns up- mum needed some 'me time', Boy demands food...constantly asking when it is. I explained to dad he wasn't catered for, dad says 'oh we will just pick off other's plates'. Kid ate most of the others' food, moaned, leapt on smaller kids and dad just stuffed his face, and ignored his daughter.

Then 3 months later it was their daughter's 5th birthday. My DD and her DD were playing, and my DD said why was I not invited to the party (I had not even known there was one). Mum's response 'oh I forgot'.

For this and other far worse things she is no longer a friend.

CheerfulYank · 08/09/2014 05:54
Shock

I really can't believe the nerve of some people!

Bunbaker · 08/09/2014 06:44

I bet the children of the parents with such a sense of self entitlement end up being like their parents.

Luckily when DD was little I didn't encounter such rudeness. Most parties she went to were at soft play places that were miles away and it made no sense to drop off and pick up, so other parents did bring their children because they had no childcare.

However, they understood that the siblings were not invitees and paid for the siblings to get in, didn't join in for the party food and didn't get a party bag.

ChasedByBees · 08/09/2014 07:07

Just Shock

clam · 08/09/2014 08:52

So, you invited one of her children to a party. She asked if the other one could come too. You said sorry but no. She said she wouldn't come. Then she turned up unnanounced with BOTH of them, and then left both there, and sent someone else to collect them so you couldn't call her on it?

Unbelievable!!!! Staggeringly rude.

Are you going to say anything to her when you next see her? Don't let her get away with it.

SirChenjin · 08/09/2014 09:14

Good grief Shock

Whatever else is going on in her life, there is no excuse for her behaviour. Cheeky mare.

Original poster
donteattheplaydough · 08/09/2014 12:01

clam - yes pretty much correct, except she did text me on the MORNING of the party to say daughter had changed mind and was coming.

I reckon that when she said daughter wouldn't come without sibling, she thought I'd text back and say fine she can come, and when I didn't do that, she decided to come anyway and thought she'd chance it with older one.

Older sibling is quite demanding so wonder if she is used to getting her own way. Turns out talking to other parents she has been to quite a few of her younger sister's parties.

I really wish with hindsight I had stuck to my guns more and not given in.
I am not great at confrontation so not sure what I will say but will have as little to do with her in future as possible.

OP posts:
PumpkinsMummy · 08/09/2014 13:24

In fairness donteattheplaydough I don't see what else you could have done. It would take balls of steel to turn her away at the door in front of guests and both her daughters. I think she deliberately waited until you were busy to leave so you were distracted, sneaky cow. I would have done the same as you and been polite at the time out of continued training from my mum and shock, and then fumed about it after. FWIW at least the girls had a lovely party, the cheeky mum can be banned from future events and told what's what at the school gates.

PiratePanda · 08/09/2014 13:35

This happened at DS's 4th birthday party. It was outside at a park; worst behaved child at nursery was one of DS's friends so he got an invite. Mum RSVP'd to say dad would bring "Fred" and did we mind if he brought older brother too, just to hang out with his Dad but not participate. Fine. Except Dad just let kids rampage, and when it came to party bag time, and Dad sent both boys to the front to get party bags. Couldn't say no :( but was unimpressed with the barefaced cheek.

SauvignonBlanche · 08/09/2014 14:09

Will you see the Mum at school today?

Original poster
donteattheplaydough · 08/09/2014 15:01

Thanks pumpkinsmummy, I was thinking I was being a walkover.
Haven't seen the mum yet, she's not at school that much.

Mind you I don't want to be too confrontational and get into a scrap in the playground - wouldn't be the first time it's happened at my school....

OP posts:
clam · 08/09/2014 15:15

Actually piratepanda,withthe party bags I would have said to the older child, "hold on a minute lovie, I'm just going to make sure all the little ones have for their party bags first, OK?" And at least have made him wait til the end.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/09/2014 16:33

It's probably not worth re-hashing now at the school gate. It will only cause a bad atmosphere and there's nothing you can do except not invite the younger child again (which I'm guessing you won't anyway). I still can't get over the rudeness of some people.

PiratePanda · 08/09/2014 17:35

Clam, it was my first big party! :) Have learned my lesson.

clam · 08/09/2014 18:06

I'm a teacher. I'm quite good at 'managing' pushy kids.

RachelWatts · 08/09/2014 19:43

I take DS2 to parties DS1 is invited to, but only if the host family has said it's OK, or it's a public place like soft play in which case I pay for him unless he's actually been explicitly invited, which has happened.

The oddest thing to happen at a party was where the host family had obviously forgotten to mention to the party entertainer that there were going to be younger children there and that most of them had been invited. She acted as though the toddlers were gate crashers, stopping her act every time one of them sat down to watch and calling out "Who is responsible for this little one? Can you take them away please?"

I thought that was odd.

PumpkinsMummy · 09/09/2014 21:21

Sad Rachel poor little ones, that's so mean. Even if they weren't invited what harm were they doing sitting watching? I would have been very cross if that was my DS being shoved out from something he was invited to. IMO it's different when they are older as they can understand they can't be invited to everything.

MidniteScribbler · 09/09/2014 23:07

When she showed up with the older sibling, you should have directed her inside towards a pile of reading books (or tv, or xbox/whatever) and told her that since the party was for x and the younger children, she would have to amuse herself inside for the duration of the party. But then, I'm a mean bitch and don't like pisstakers.

Brittabot · 10/09/2014 06:50

YANBU but threads like this make me cringe as my DH took both DS's to a party to which only DS1 was invited without asking the host.

waithorse · 10/09/2014 09:04

Does anyone remember a thread about an entire family, including parents and younger twins I think turning up at parties. I think at one party the host's wouldn't allow them all in, so they all sat on the drive in the car. Would love to read that thread again. Grin

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 10/09/2014 12:32

I did a party at a sports centre once, and I had to give them definite numbers in advance, because there were strict ratios of supervision, e.g so many instructors per child, which the sports centre were providing. If someone had turned up with an uninvited child in tow it would have put the ratios out. Luckily no one did but don't people ever think before they do such things? That mother has made life more difficult for her children now as they will have a reputation and not get invited to parties again!

Vintagejazz · 10/09/2014 14:12

During the activity I would have told the older child that it was for the smaller children only and she would have to sit it out, or help me in the kitchen or somesuch.

But I suppose it's easy to think of that now, if I'd been caught on the hop like you I might also have been too flabbergasted to do anything. That mum must really have a brass neck and absolutely no shame. I future years I can see her daughters being really embarrassed by her.

Curlyweasel · 10/09/2014 14:19

I think - given the the circumstances - you behaved impeccably OP. It's all very well and good saying you should have excluded the elder child from doing this or having that, but when it comes down to it, it wasn't her fault - it was her mum's. Think it's best left alone now. As you say - you don't want a scrap in the school yard. If it's been noticed by other parents, that might be enough x

DeWee · 10/09/2014 18:13

Fraid I would have said in front of everyone; "actually she's not a guest, could you pick one of the smaller children as they were the ones invited". If her mum had a problem with that, then it's really her fault.

I also would have quite happily told her there wasn't a party bag for her. I don't mind giving spare bags to siblings that have sat on the side, but I would have resented giving one to a child who had been specifically told not to come. Actually to stop that I'd probably have labelled the bags with names, then there just wouldn't have been one for her.

Bunbaker · 10/09/2014 18:17

"I also would have quite happily told her there wasn't a party bag for her."

So would I. Putting a name on each bag would have got round that. I might have put a piece of cake in a bag though, as it wouldn't have been the child's fault that she had a batty mother.

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