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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to DS's classmates sister coming to his birthday party?

151 replies

donteattheplaydough · 05/09/2014 14:40

Oh the old party invite malarky....

DS has a 6th birthday party. I have invited his best friends, his best school friends, and also classmates who had invited him to their parties as I think that is polite. I didn't want a massive party - partly for my own sanity, and partly because we are having someone come to do an activity and I want everyone to have an opportunity to take part. So we have about 20 in total. I am not paying per head but I think 20 is plenty big enough for a party.

Anyway, so I invited a girl from his class whose party he went to earlier this year, her mum replies yes, but could her (older) sister come as well? I don't know the girl's sister apart from seeing her around school, and DS is not friends with her, nor is my DD.

I do have two older siblings of other children coming, but that is because they are good friends with my older DD and I thought it would be nice for her to have a couple of mates there. Also I did offer them the invite and they are family friends rather than schoolfriends. The mum wouldn't know any of this anyway.

I am inclined to say no, because if I wanted more children there I would have invited more of his classmates. If it's a childcare problem I would understand but she offers no explanation and anyway the children are old enough to be dropped off at this age (and have seen them being dropped off at parties by their dad before).

I can't talk to the mum as they have not come back to school yet, so I will have to send a text. I don't want to offend her but on the other hand I don't feel comfortable saying yes.

I have 3 DCs so go to plenty of parties, and only take one DC (unless another DC is specifically invited, usually to keep a sibling company!).

Or am I just being churlish?

OP posts:

TouchOfNatural · 07/09/2014 17:42

I think it rude to add the guilt trip now (saying younger child likes to do everything with her sister). I bet it's just mum as she wanted a child free afternoon... And IF it is the little one saying this, then she needs to take this as a life lesson of not always getting your own way.

Parties are usually arranged with a number of children in mind. Houses/flats might be very small. Plus a child wants their friends at their party not the family!

I really think that some parents are soooooo cheeky!!!!

Bunbaker · 07/09/2014 18:36

Norman I think the OP is doing the party at home. I don't agree with you at all. I think it is cheeky to ask if siblings can come. It would mean less food for everyone, and I certainly wouldn't do party bags for them.

eastmidswarwicknightnanny · 07/09/2014 19:16

Last yr my 3yr old party 8 friends from nursery n that was my limit was at home in garden but if rained didn't want more in the house. A mum came with 6yr old brother n said oh he will sit on ipad - no he didn't he joined in treasure hunt, climbed all over the garden toys, joined in pass the parcel meaning middle prize layer had to go to last child as I did just enough, his mum plated him up food and then the cheeky wotsit asked me for a party bag when I handed him some cake - I just smiled and said it wasn't really a party for you and you have joined in all the games and had party food but pushing your luck wanting a party bag the mum did say sorry thought he would just play on ipad - yeah right.

On the other hand really good friend brought her 18mth old as well checked it was ok and asked if she could have some food!

This year was more choosy who we invited but had 7 little friends for him 4th party 4 of who came with 9mth-2yr olds (2 did ask) and I know the other 2 dads were having some chilling time/child free time.

Next yr I am putting on invites please do not bring siblings unless invited due to limited space.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 07/09/2014 20:14

She wants a child free afternoon/free babysitter, if the thing about nervousness had been the case she would have made a point of saying that so you understood why.

Original poster

donteattheplaydough · 07/09/2014 20:36

Oh how right you were....so after saying no to older sibling, mum came with daughter and older sibling too.
Nor did she just drop off, but all 3 came in and sat down to watch the activity. Of course then with the older child sitting there, I felt I couldn't tell her to leave.

And guess what - older sister didn't just sit back but was right up the front taking part - so annoying, as it meant one of DS best friends didn't get a chance to take part. (If it had been me at a party, and I had to take a sibling along for whatever reason, I would not let them go right up to the front but I would say, this isn't your party.)

Then the mum said 'I have to pop off for a bit' I assumed she would take the older child but she left her!
Older sister was quite demanding throughout the party, took a fair bit of attention, and then at the end both children stood right next to my DH who was cutting the cake asking when they would get their party bags. For about 15 minutes.
And the sibling then asked for the cake decorations 'as she didn't like cake'. I said they were for my DS to keep as it was his birthday cake. I know children do these things, they are not always aware of what is polite, but by 7/8 you'd hope they would start knowing a bit better?

I did have a spare party bag (after 8 years of parties I always have a few spares!) so gave her one but it was the fact she expected it...

The whole thing was noticed by other parents, not just by me, so I imagine she may get less invitations next year. Which is quite sad for the younger child really.

I really don't want to sound mean, and my original post hadn't meant to criticise the mum, (like others say we don't actually know the details of her situation). I posted as I genuinely wanted to find out what other people would do in this situation. (When you are at home with kids a lot without other adults to sound off to, you want to make sure you are being reasonable!). However I do think children need to learn they can't always do everything they want to do. And whatever sometimes situation, you can still be polite and not take advantage of others - she doesn't know my situation either, and for all she knew it might have cost me money to have an extra child there.

Ho hum. live and learn! Apart from this the party went very well and all the other children were really lovely, so shan't let it ruin a great day.

OP posts:

Bouttimeforwine · 07/09/2014 20:42

Hmmm. We were right then.

How long was cheeky mum gone for? It's a pity you didn't say anything to her when she got back. I'm not sure I could have been so polite.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/09/2014 20:45

That's really bad. I think when she said she had to go I would have said, "please take DD1 with you as she has not included in the numbers.". Given it doesn't sound as if your DS is a particular friend of her DD2 I think I'd have as little to do with her as possible in future.

thesortingtwat · 07/09/2014 20:49

How bloody rude!! Similar happened to me too - friend turned up to dds party with her (invited) ds and a random child who I'd never met and asked would I mind having him too, then promptly fucked off, leaving me in charge of a totally unknown to me 4 year old who proceeded to do a massive shit and whose bottom I then had to wipe. Was NOT happy!!

BeyondTheSea · 07/09/2014 20:50

So rude, bit taken about by her cheekiness - dreading the party politics when DC are older!

SauvignonBlanche · 07/09/2014 20:53

Cheeky cow!

Blu · 07/09/2014 20:54

Good for you not letting it ruin the day, and well done for hosting what sounds like an excellent party.

But that mother behaved outrageously.

You'll know who not to invite next time!

QueenofallIsee · 07/09/2014 21:00

What an outrageously rude woman! With my own cheeky woman that I mentioned up thread, after the 3rd time she came to an event with all her children and her (5yrs older therefore 11yr old) child stood underneath the piñata with an open handbag, caught all the sweets and prizes then wondered off pleased with herself, I both stopped inviting AND mentioned it to the local busybody knowing full well it would get back to cheeky mum! #passiveagressive.

FatherSpodoKomodo · 07/09/2014 21:20

I don't understand why anyone would want to ask if a sibling could come. Even if it's meant dragging my others about somewhere else, I still haven't asked. I have twins and when one has been invited to a party one has gone to the party, even if though the other may not like it. Tough, that's life, learn to live with it.

Threads like this remind me why I don't do parties!

clam · 07/09/2014 21:25

Well, you're a better person than I, then. I'd have been livid, and wouldn't have been able to hide my surprise when they turned up.

So she got away with it, and will now probably do the same thing again in the future to you and others. Although I'd be making jolly sure I didn't invite her child next time.

NoWayYesWay · 07/09/2014 21:38

Wow, cheeky or what.

I would have made her take the sibling when she popped out. My kids are much older now and I think I have learnt to be a bit more forceful over the years.

Original poster

donteattheplaydough · 07/09/2014 21:38

I was very cross but I didn't want to ruin the party so just grin and bore it.... but no, there won't be an invite again.

I actually really like doing parties and generally I find most people are friendly, courteous, helpful, and are aware that parties are stressful so don't burden you with extra kids. But there are always a minority that seem oblivious.

OP posts:

Original poster

donteattheplaydough · 07/09/2014 21:43

I didn't realise she hadn't taken the older one until it was too late - she caught me at a busy moment when I was in the middle of doing activities with the children. Someone else came to collect them actually....

OP posts:

KatieKaye · 07/09/2014 22:19

I cant believe that she had the cheek to bring the older child! You made it perfectly clear DD1 was not invited and yet she chose to ignore this because it made her life easier? Staggering cheek. I'd have been very tempted to usher the invited child in and leave the other 2 on the doorstep with the door shut firmly in their faces.

crazylady321 · 07/09/2014 22:25

I would say its cheeky. Days when any of mine have been invited I just find other activities to do with the others to make up for it.

My son had his party in April and was at a play gym most parents stayed so I couldnt really say anything but 2 of the mums brought other children with them, the place was closed to the pubilc so im presuming the staff just thought they were invited and they had a good play on the equiptment. At food and cake time they went to sit with their parents but noticed one of the girls taking food over to her sister. Was worried id be charged for an extra 2 children but luckilly staff never said anything, I just wouldnt have the cheek. I would at least ask first before bringing them

jamtoast12 · 07/09/2014 22:29

That's bad. If only one was invited, I would drop off the invited child only or not go.

FishWithABicycle · 07/09/2014 22:31

I think you've already replied so this isn't a very useful addition - but in these circs I tend to say "yes but only if a parent is staying as I don't want to be in charge of a child I don't know." Gets rid of the ones who are trying to blag free childcare, occasionally get someone who agrees to the terms which I'm happy enough with.

diddl · 07/09/2014 22:38

What a cheek, buggering off. Shame you couldn't have run after her with the older girl shouting "you've forgotten something!"

And of course it's rude to ask unless there are exceptional circs.

If the bday child wanted the sibling there, they would have invited the in the first place!

Boysandme · 07/09/2014 22:38

Bloody cheek, can't believe she left them both with you as well!! No wonder she sent somebody else to pick them up!!!

BackforGood · 07/09/2014 22:44

Thing is though, by letting the older girl join in and push up to the front and have a party bag, you've enabled it a bit.
I really would have told the girl she had to go and sit down. That she wasn't part of the party and that no, there wasn't a party bag for people who weren't invited.

I feel sorry for the girls, yes, but the elder one was just not your responsibility. If she had had a miserable afternoon,, that's her mother's fault, not yours.. Clearly no-one is going to invite anyone from the family a 2nd time.

Original poster

donteattheplaydough · 07/09/2014 23:05

Re the joining in, I didn't have much choice as she put her hand up and was picked (the person doing the activity didn't know she wasn't an invitee), her mum was sitting next to her, so it would have been a case of saying 'sorry she can't do it' in front of everyone. Actually I was getting party food ready at this point, so didn't actually see it happen myself.

Re the party bag - yes I did cave in there, you are right. I am not always as assertive as I should be.

OP posts:

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