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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to DS's classmates sister coming to his birthday party?

151 replies

donteattheplaydough · 05/09/2014 14:40

Oh the old party invite malarky....

DS has a 6th birthday party. I have invited his best friends, his best school friends, and also classmates who had invited him to their parties as I think that is polite. I didn't want a massive party - partly for my own sanity, and partly because we are having someone come to do an activity and I want everyone to have an opportunity to take part. So we have about 20 in total. I am not paying per head but I think 20 is plenty big enough for a party.

Anyway, so I invited a girl from his class whose party he went to earlier this year, her mum replies yes, but could her (older) sister come as well? I don't know the girl's sister apart from seeing her around school, and DS is not friends with her, nor is my DD.

I do have two older siblings of other children coming, but that is because they are good friends with my older DD and I thought it would be nice for her to have a couple of mates there. Also I did offer them the invite and they are family friends rather than schoolfriends. The mum wouldn't know any of this anyway.

I am inclined to say no, because if I wanted more children there I would have invited more of his classmates. If it's a childcare problem I would understand but she offers no explanation and anyway the children are old enough to be dropped off at this age (and have seen them being dropped off at parties by their dad before).

I can't talk to the mum as they have not come back to school yet, so I will have to send a text. I don't want to offend her but on the other hand I don't feel comfortable saying yes.

I have 3 DCs so go to plenty of parties, and only take one DC (unless another DC is specifically invited, usually to keep a sibling company!).

Or am I just being churlish?

OP posts:
fluffymouse · 05/09/2014 15:44

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think it is at all rude to ask to bring siblings. People have asked for dd's previous parties and I have said they are very welcome.

This year I'm putting siblings welcome on the invites.

MrsHathaway · 05/09/2014 15:45

I wonder if she thought she would need to stay, so it does become a childcare issue. For future reference, a cheery "no I'm afraid not but there's no need for you to stay".

If OP's son is turning six and is in England/Wales then his classmates could be only just five and only just going to "drop and run" parties.

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 05/09/2014 17:12

I sometimes ask if I can bring a sibling, but always offer to pay, or ask if it's ok if at a play gym if they can just come and I pay normal entry for them (ie checking it's not a private party).

8 year old can be left now anyway but not youngest yet, and as I work weekends I would have to check for OH, I would never assume and just show up.

HappyAgainOneDay · 05/09/2014 17:19

LittleMiss Why do you think it's polite to ask if an extra guest may attend a party? What would it be like if every guest's mother or father asked this. What an unmanageable party it would be, especially if the parents hung around as well with double the number of invited children. It doesn't matter if you offer to pay; what's money got to do with it? It just looks as if you can't be bothered to care for your 'second' child and want someone else to do it.

Why don't you want family time with the 'extra' child?

Original poster
donteattheplaydough · 05/09/2014 17:35

Actually although my DS is having a 6th party, his classmates are all 6 already as he is the youngest in the class - we are having to do the party in September as everyone is always on holiday in August. Also I put on the invite that parents were either welcome to stay or drop off.

I know it is tricky sometimes if one child is jealous of the sibling going to a party, but I think this is a life experience they have to learn to handle. I often say to the non-party sibling 'oh well we can do such and such instead while your sibling is at the party'.

I did put siblings welcome on a party invite once a few years back - the numbers were literally doubled! Unfortunately it's just not manageable.

OP posts:
LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 05/09/2014 17:35

I stay at the party too, and it's not about spending time with the other child alone.

I mean if youngest wants to go to a party and I can't leave him, I may offer to pay extra so we all go.

I don't have childcare nearby.

I obviously haven't explained myself very well, but in future I just won't let my youngest go to the party then shall I?

Bouttimeforwine · 05/09/2014 17:36

It's incredibly cheeky. Glad you said no. Have you had a response yet?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/09/2014 17:46

LittleMiss I don't think it's cheeky to ask if you can bring a sibling if you need to stay with invited child. I would definitely prefer the invited child to come with sibling and mum to look after both than not come at all. I also think it's fine to take a child along to soft play or something where there is public access anyway. As long as your other child doesn't try to sit up at the party table and of course you pay. The host can always no if space limited or whatever.

LadyGnome · 05/09/2014 17:46

I've taken the other sibling along if DH isn't around and its at a large place where we can go off and do something else. DS1 was invited to a laser tag party and I had to bring DS2 so I booked bowling for the two of us. I wouldn't dream of asking if they can attend a party at someone's house.

Graciescotland · 05/09/2014 17:52

Crikey didn't realise this was such an issue. We had random siblings turn up to DS's party (age 4) and not bothered and have dragged along younger DS to various parties. Have paid for him though when it's not in a hall/ at home and splurge a bit more on a gift to make up for it. It's fairly standard round here. Everyone's getting older now so can drop off at the party room and take DS2 into soft play at default party venue.

I've always said to parents when invited though. Am I by default just rude then?

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 05/09/2014 17:54

Yes Ghoul I certainly wouldn't expect them to join in the party/sit at the table/get a party bag or anything!

I only go if they need accompanying, kids parties aren't my idea of fun :o

Notso · 05/09/2014 18:04

At play barn parties or other parties at a public attraction I think it's fine to take siblings as long as you pay for them and don't expect them to be included in the actual party.
At other parties it's rude. Although recently when MIL was ill and couldn't babysit I had to ask a Mum if I could either leave my 3yo or bring my 2yo. I did state if neither were ok it was fine we wouldn't go to the party. I felt really rude but as it was short notice there wasn't much I could do.

Floggingmolly · 05/09/2014 18:08

in future I just won't let my youngest go to the party, shall I?
If your youngest attending the party entails the entire family showing up en masse, that's probably wise, LittleMiss

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/09/2014 18:15

I think when it's young children who can't be dropped off, then asking if you can bring siblings so the invitee can attend is reasonable - lots of families don't have two parents around to provide split care (though you still have to be prepared to be told it can't be accommodated). Asking for siblings to attend when invitee can be dropped off seems very presumptious though.

In any case YANBU OP to say "no". Maybe just reiterate that invitee can be dropped off.

RainbowInACloud · 05/09/2014 18:21

YANBU to say no. Especially as the child is old enough to be left.
However, some children would never be able to attend parties if siblings were not allowed to attend (some single parents, where one partner works weekends etc.) and they were of an age where they needed to be accompanied. So I also think it is not unreasonable to ask as long as the parent pays for sibling if necessary and brings food for the child.
I have always been very accommodating when this is the case and don't get all the exclusive angst and calling parents rude for something as simple and enjoyable as a kids party.

DaisyFlowerChain · 05/09/2014 18:22

Very cheeky and YANBU to say no. What child wants random children at their birthday party.

This is one of the reasons we have always had private parties, no extra unwanted guests that you then have to cater for and rustle up party bags for fear of upsetting children.

AlpacaMyBags · 05/09/2014 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
donteattheplaydough · 05/09/2014 18:45

No response from the mum yet....

Graciescotland - I think it is very different when children are younger - firstly they are too young to be left, and also you tend to be friends with the parents and therefore siblings anyway. When mine were younger the parties definitely had lots of siblings along.
However once children reach 6 or so they are old enough to be left, and they usually invite classmates whose parents or siblings you don't know very well. It does change the nature of parties. Plus children start becoming more aware of who they are inviting!

With close friends we always say bring all your children and vice versa. But for school acquaintances? No.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the children in these situations because they end up not being invited if the host feels they are going to end up with extra random ones tagging along.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 05/09/2014 18:58

OP You may not get a response from the mum but be wary that she could still turn up and drop the older girl off anyway before you realise she's done it.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 05/09/2014 19:07

Yes, watch the random drop-offs ...

MrsPiggie · 05/09/2014 19:13

I'm surprised so many people think it is so cheeky and rude to ask to bring a sibling. She asked, she didn't give an ultimatum and at least she didn't bring a child uninvited. She's not supposed to know if an extra child is going to cause significant expense or work for you (if you pay per head or if they are outdoors and require more adults to supervise). People throw all kinds of parties for their kids, for some it's inconvenient to have too many children, for others it's not. She asked. You said no. No big deal. I'd much rather have someone who has the decency to reply to an invitation and ask if they can bring an extra child, than have people turn up without even bothering to accept the invitation.

NoWayYesWay · 05/09/2014 19:47

I wouldn't ask but I agree that it's not that bad to ask to bring a sibling. She is only asking after all and it's 100 times better then just assuming she can and dropping the kid without asking.

If someone asked me I wouldn't mind but then I would have no problem at all saying no. I wouldn't feel any guilt about it at all. I would also have no problem turning away siblings at the door if it didn't suit me for them to come.

IhadsexwithanelfinIceland · 06/09/2014 20:51

Is there an update?

Original poster
donteattheplaydough · 06/09/2014 23:52

Yes! The mum texted back to say her daughter probably wouldn't attend the party as she doesn't like doing anything without her sister.

I now feel guilty again, maybe there is some confidence issue here that I am just not aware of? In all my years doing parties I've never had this one before. I've had parents ask to stay because children are nervous, but never this. But I don't know the child or family that well. Has anyone else come across this?
Oh well it's done now, DH keeps telling me to stop thinking about it (I am a bit of a worrier).

BTW slightly off topic ... do any of you worry that you'll post stuff on AIBU and the person you are posting about will read it? Has that ever happened to anyone I wonder?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 06/09/2014 23:59

DO NOT feel guilty.
This is an issue the parent is creating not facing up to. It is NOT your issue.
She was extremely rude to even ask.
You do not have to justify yourself, you just leave it.
Her dd2 was invited, she has imposed ridiculous limitations on what her dd can go to - that's their family issue, not yours.