to say no to DS's classmates sister coming to his birthday party?

[donteattheplaydough]

Oh the old party invite malarky....

DS has a 6th birthday party. I have invited his best friends, his best school friends, and also classmates who had invited him to their parties as I think that is polite. I didn't want a massive party - partly for my own sanity, and partly because we are having someone come to do an activity and I want everyone to have an opportunity to take part. So we have about 20 in total. I am not paying per head but I think 20 is plenty big enough for a party.

Anyway, so I invited a girl from his class whose party he went to earlier this year, her mum replies yes, but could her (older) sister come as well? I don't know the girl's sister apart from seeing her around school, and DS is not friends with her, nor is my DD.

I do have two older siblings of other children coming, but that is because they are good friends with my older DD and I thought it would be nice for her to have a couple of mates there. Also I did offer them the invite and they are family friends rather than schoolfriends. The mum wouldn't know any of this anyway.

I am inclined to say no, because if I wanted more children there I would have invited more of his classmates. If it's a childcare problem I would understand but she offers no explanation and anyway the children are old enough to be dropped off at this age (and have seen them being dropped off at parties by their dad before).

I can't talk to the mum as they have not come back to school yet, so I will have to send a text. I don't want to offend her but on the other hand I don't feel comfortable saying yes.

I have 3 DCs so go to plenty of parties, and only take one DC (unless another DC is specifically invited, usually to keep a sibling company!).

Or am I just being churlish?

its a shame the woman didnt explain her dd was too shy to come without her sister in the first place instead of landing it on you after you had said no.

Just text back and say that's a shame invitee will miss out but do not cave !

Sometimes you can't win though...rather than have to bring along all three of my dc to a 6th bday party at a soft play place, I jiggled an arrangement with another mum (who also would have had to bring lots of hers along) so that my ds and hers could be dropped off and picked up. Both dads were unable to be at home for a couple of hours that day to allow anything else to work. But unfortunately mum of party child seemed put out that it was a 'dump and run' case by us Personally, I thought it would be the lesser of two evils: dump well-behaved children vs bring uninvited siblings!

I presume this child manages in class at school OK without her sister?

Fanny that's awful! I would have phoned the police! (on 101). Maybe seems an over reaction, but she abandoned her children on the next road over then turned up late, drunk?! Surely w child protection issue if there ever was one!

I agree, just text back something like " Sorry she can't attend. Hope you have a nice weejend"!or something like that.

As it's a party with her school friends and they are starting yr2 it seems highly unlikely that she needs her big sister to keep her company. It's your child's birthday party so your child comes first.

Do not cave, OP. Tell her it's a shame that she can't attend and leave it at that. Honestly can't believe the nerve that some people have.

You are right survivor, there may be issues here we are not aware of, we shouldn't jump to conclusions. She's not a single mum as I've met the dad but then again there are lots of parents who have to work at weekends so you just don't know individual situations.

I think if they were younger it would be different, but we are talking 6/7 year olds here - and if I was having a big 'everything goes' party in a hall I wouldn't mind, but I prefer not to have massive parties.

Sounds like Mum is trying a bit of emotional blackmail to get her own way. Do not feel guilty! Her DD manages to be in class without her older sister, doesn't she? I don't believe a word of it.
This is your son's party and you've made the arrangements that suit you. it is up to guests to accept or decline for whatever reason and you shouldn't feel obligated to change your arrangements.
Why do some parents feel it is okay to ignore an invitation sent to one child and try to include others? If you are invited out to dinner you don't ask the host if you can bring another person along too - unless you are very rude! What is wrong with dropping one child off at a party and then taking the other one somewhere else for a couple of hours? hanging around the venue just looks like you are trying to reproach them for not inviting your whole family in the first place.

The mum is trying to guilt trip you from the sounds of things otherwise the response would be 'Thank you anyway, I hope X has a lovely party, sorry that Y won't be able to attend.' If you haven't responded to her yet just send back 'sorry to hear that, have a lovely weekend'.

Have to disagree with Survivor.
This girl has been in school with host's ds - and presumably the other attendees at the party - for two years without he older sister sitting in on class. If she can't manage attending a party for a few of them for a couple of hours, then the parent has the option to turn it down and work on the child's confidence. You do NOT try to embarrass the host into having to double the size of the event so everyone invited can bring an extra person along.

i BET you the kid attends

I wouldn't mind at all. I wouldn't ask to bring a sibling to a party but often have childcare problems around children's parties due to DH working all weekend so am grateful when the host tells me I can bring both children. One more won't make a difference.

lordnoobson I bet you the sister does too

StrawberryMouse Depends on what kind of party you do. It may not make a difference to you with your parties but for someone else it means another head to cover, more party bags, the sibling being bored/not involved/completely different age from the other children- it also can set a precedent so all of the parents think they can bring their other DCs. So a party of say 8 kids becomes anything from 16+

My parties as a child my mum wouldn't have minded because my brother and sisters are varying ages and since mum did small buffets an extra one of two wouldn't have mattered. If all the kids had brought siblings then that would be a massive problem. My friend does parties out in venues so an extra child means extra cash and sometimes one less other child.

One more does make a difference in most instances. People generally invite certain people to children's parties, not those who are strangers to them and their child, as in this instance. Obviously an extra person has cost implications in terms of catering and party bags etc, plus and the venue may not stretch to an extra kid.
It's up to the parent of the invited child to sort out their own childcare/go somewhere else while the party is on/sit in the car and listen to the radio etc rather than banking on the host being a soft touch.

StrawberryMouse - how is needing to look after other child a problem when you can drop and run (the situation in the OP).

Ghoul - it's usually a "problem" because the parent involved doesn't want to be bothered with the whole drive to party/drop off invited child/drive back home/drive back to party a couple of hours later scenario and finds it easier to impose an unwanted guest on a host who finds it hard to refuse an eager looking child turning up at a party.

I suppose that could be it if it's a long drive or you have to go on public transport. Most of the parties my kids get invited to are less than 2 miles away so I just drop and go home with non-attending child. Exception is soft play where I'd take the other child in to play and then stay with them while the party child had their tea.

I wouldn't even bother responding to the text. It sounds like this child is going to miss out on a lot of parties if her mum won't let her go without her sister.

Ah, it's the 'stay or drop off' option that has caused confusion and raised the possibility that if she was staying she would need to bring the sibling, for some reason.

At 6, and especially when his friends are older, there is no way I would offer a 'stay' option - but it's perfectly OK to say "sorry, no capacity within the party activity to be able to include siblings'.

Oh, sorry, I missed the update.

Don't feel guilty - she needs to deal with her 6 year old, not the fact that your house and party capacity is full!

text back 'oh, what a shame. Never mind, text me if she changes her mind and feels brave enough to come on her own'.

If it isn't a pay per child thing (eg in a hall) I really don't get why it's rude? We had at least 4 parents ask in advance of DS's party and 2 on the day of the party itself. I was slightly irritated about the ones on the day as I did party bags for the in advance siblings. Both the on the day askers said don't worry about food, but we'd over catered so I said it was fine. If it was a pay per person party I would still say yes to siblings but make sure the parents knew they had to pay themselves.

Oh dear I should have rtft. At a drop off party at someone's house I would find that a bit odd that a sibling would go.