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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to DS's classmates sister coming to his birthday party?

151 replies

donteattheplaydough · 05/09/2014 14:40

Oh the old party invite malarky....

DS has a 6th birthday party. I have invited his best friends, his best school friends, and also classmates who had invited him to their parties as I think that is polite. I didn't want a massive party - partly for my own sanity, and partly because we are having someone come to do an activity and I want everyone to have an opportunity to take part. So we have about 20 in total. I am not paying per head but I think 20 is plenty big enough for a party.

Anyway, so I invited a girl from his class whose party he went to earlier this year, her mum replies yes, but could her (older) sister come as well? I don't know the girl's sister apart from seeing her around school, and DS is not friends with her, nor is my DD.

I do have two older siblings of other children coming, but that is because they are good friends with my older DD and I thought it would be nice for her to have a couple of mates there. Also I did offer them the invite and they are family friends rather than schoolfriends. The mum wouldn't know any of this anyway.

I am inclined to say no, because if I wanted more children there I would have invited more of his classmates. If it's a childcare problem I would understand but she offers no explanation and anyway the children are old enough to be dropped off at this age (and have seen them being dropped off at parties by their dad before).

I can't talk to the mum as they have not come back to school yet, so I will have to send a text. I don't want to offend her but on the other hand I don't feel comfortable saying yes.

I have 3 DCs so go to plenty of parties, and only take one DC (unless another DC is specifically invited, usually to keep a sibling company!).

Or am I just being churlish?

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 07/09/2014 00:03

Good grief. What a precious child. I have boy and girl. 2.5 years apart and everything was separate. It's her loss and she needs to get over it.

OddFodd · 07/09/2014 00:12

Don't feel guilty! That's ridiculous (and emotional blackmail ' oh she probably won't come then'). I'd reply with ' oh, that's a shame. Could you let me know for sure by X date so someone else can take her place?'

LayMeDown · 07/09/2014 00:24

How strange that a child can't attend a party unless a sibling is also left with her. I have had children who aren't ready to be left alone at parties. In these incidences I (or DH) stay with them. I wish I had come up with the ingenuous solution of off loading one of their siblings to do the job. What a pleasent couple of hours that would be, getting rid of 2 for the price of 1. In fact from now on I think all my kids will revert to the not wanting to be left alone status and I'll start a rota with what other one should stay with them. Maybe some suckers will even let me leave the lot of them.

Maisyblue · 07/09/2014 00:30

Sounds like it's really bugged her and she's trying to make you feel guilty. Don't, she's the one who should feel guilty, for making such a big drama over a party invitation. Do what oddfod says. Some people are such hard work

Fannydabbydozey · 07/09/2014 00:38

I once had a mum ask if siblings could come to my Ds's 5th birthday. They couldn't. On the day of the party my neighbour from round the back appeared with the invitee and her TWO siblings, one of them was two and in a buggy, the other 7 or 8. No sign of mum. The neighbour had found them wandering along her street knocking on doors and asking about the party.

The 2 year old was very distressed and stayed that way. When it came to pick up time there was no sign of the mum and my neighbour ended up taking the kids home as we were off to do something else. She had to wait for ages until the mum turned up, pissed, laden with shopping. I confronted her the next school day and she just laughed at me. Vile woman.

I wouldn't dream of asking - I reckon if the party giver is ok about siblings they tell you on the invite.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/09/2014 00:39

I'd have more sympathy if she'd said "DD2 still likes me to stay at parties with her because she's rather nervous in new places (and my DH is working so can't have DD1).".

Original poster
donteattheplaydough · 07/09/2014 00:41

Thanks all! I promise I shall not feel guilty anymore!

Just wish people could understand that parties are stressful enough without extra complications. All you want is a Yes or No reply at least a week before the party. Nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
donteattheplaydough · 07/09/2014 00:43

Fannydabbydozey that's dreadful! How upsetting for everyone involved.

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 07/09/2014 00:51

I'm going to go against the grain - I think it's okay to ask if sibling can come too. Some of our parties have been basically small supervised riots, others have had number restrictions due to an activity. If a parent asks, I've got the option of saying 'yes sure, the more the merrier' or 'actually, no, that won't work, we're doing a Thing'.

However I'm fairly thick skinned about saying 'no'.

survivor1270 · 07/09/2014 01:01

I think YABVU, my DS is 6 years old but at the stage where he still wants me to attend parties with him and not leave him on his own, as a single mum I have no choice but to take younger sibling along otherwise he wouldn't be able to attend, I also ask first though and make sure when he has parties to say siblings also invited as I know first hand how difficult it can be to arrange childcare; lot of posters making lots of assumptions here about mum wanting free tine to herself when you dont know her situation, frankly disgusted by so many judgemental people on here; if I was this child's mum and you said I couldn't bring sibling I would turn down your invitation

Brittapieandchips · 07/09/2014 01:04

I have to bring both kids most of the time, but I always ask beforehand and they have always been soft play or a huge run about in a hall thing so it has been ok.
I'm a disabled (although not visibly) single parent who doesn't drive, so most parties are already at least a fiver each way in a taxi or a long walk/several buses. This is fine if I only have to go there and back once but with the other child in tow would be very hard.
I have dropped and left DD1 once, now she's old enough (she's 7) but she doesn't really get invited to much as she is really shy. DD2 is 4 and there are usually other older siblings there who DD1 knows. Dd2 will probably be happier being left earlier than dd1, though.
The time I left dd1, the poor birthday girl only had three school friends turn up. Dd1 cried when we left and we came back early and sat in the bar area next door, but the mum spied dd2 and invited her in anyway, where there were a couple of younger siblings/cousins/whatever already there.

Grown up parties (over about 6 invitees I suppose, although I've hardly been to any of those) generally have extras too, don't they? Hence buffets and BBQs and bring a bottle etc :-D

Sorry, OT.

IDontDoIroning · 07/09/2014 01:06

Survivor - the dm hasn't said the dc would like her dm to stay she has said the dc won't stay without her sister.

Darkandstormynight · 07/09/2014 01:12

YANBU! However, at one of dc's parties (I think it was the 6th as well!) I had a few families that said the child couldn't go unless the other siblings went as well, and they invited to pay. The mum had 4 children very close in age and one was a nursing baby, and I knew all of them, they were good kids and we had room and I told her that I would pay. There was another mum, kind of the same situation, and I paid to keep the peace.

However, they had asked ahead of time, and I knew the children and it was no big deal. But I had one mum that just brought the other sibling, but still offered to pay. I allowed the child, but DID accept her paying since I think she was just assuming it was OK and that I would pay. If she would have called like the other mums, I would have. I had the room, and though it was irritating to have to pay, I did it because all the classes were intertwined (Montessori) and I knew I'd be dealing with the parent again. But the one that didn't ask...I just let her pay. I could tell she was put off, but, whatever....

MidniteScribbler · 07/09/2014 01:14

There is no valid reason for an older sibling to tag along to a party where children can be left.

I feel sorry for the younger sibling, never allowed to do anything for themselves, or develop their own friendships.

RedSoloCup · 07/09/2014 01:14

I had an awkward soft play party once, the invite said to select food and when I hadn't heard back from one mum I text her, she said oh yes DS will have xyz and DD will have xyz and DD hadn't been invited, lol, didn't say anything though and ordered both and she was so apologetic at party as she suddenly realised (it was a 5th b'day party so she hasn't had previous experience) and tried to give the the ££ which I didn't take, it wasn't a big problem tbh but would've been if everyone there had done the same.

survivor1270 · 07/09/2014 01:18

My point is that lots of assumptions and judgements being made abour the mum wanting free childcare and time to self when we don't know the situation, it might well be that the invited child who's only 6 may feel more comfortable with older sibling attending also, imo there are just too many judgemental and mean spirited people on here, at least parent askes ans didn't make the assumption it would

survivor1270 · 07/09/2014 01:22

Sorry meant to say at least parent asked and didn't assume it would be ok to turn up older sibling, OP is within her right to say no id canot accommodate this but lay off all passing judgement on parent asking also older child

survivor1270 · 07/09/2014 01:49

At my DS last party (6th) his friend's older brother stayed so that mum could go back home to look after younger sibling, I only found out about this afterwards as I didn't know much about the friend or his family so the request for older sibling to attend party does not seem so unusual to me nor did I automatically jump to conclusion that it was about the mum needing free child care for both children as many of you have done so here

Strokethefurrywall · 07/09/2014 02:31

What a cheeky caaahh!! Seriously, do people do this???

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 07/09/2014 03:12

Tbh survivor it doesn't matter what the reason is, it's still bloody cheeky

I have six dc and am disabled but that doesn't give me the right to put people in an awkward position or even worse just impose on them. I would rather turn down an invitation than expect my children to attend en masse

shinynewname · 07/09/2014 06:31

YANBU.

I feel like we've been wimps now, we have a younger sibling we've never even met coming to a party soon. Blush

The parent sent a text rsvp and asked if younger DC could cone fyi

shinynewname · 07/09/2014 06:34

Could come too.

It is a cost per head party at a well known local venue, I thought it was body cheeky tbh.

We still caved though.

londonrach · 07/09/2014 07:24

The mothers response was very rude. Her dd probably won't come. Probably!!! I'd de invite if you can as you need to know exact numbers. Polite text back asking her to confirm re dd due to numbers. If not confirmed unfortantly by x day her dd won't be able to come as numbers would be confirmed. ( use nicer words than me). Nothing to feel guilty about and unless her dd is a very special friend u wouldn't invite next time. Very cheeky...

tobysmum77 · 07/09/2014 07:31

I don't think it's that bad as long as the rules are clear. Most people ime bring siblings if they are staying. They are kept away from party table, older ones sit and read a book. It's an 'only on mn' scenario for me. Tbh I avoid taking dd2 to dd1's parties but i'm the only one who seems to avoid this (she is a pita tbh) and very often people ask where she is. At one a few weeks ago they had a party bag for her (and she wasn't there, I felt a bit rude Wink )

That said if she is intending to drop them both off that isn't on.

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 07/09/2014 07:45

When I was a child my older sister would push me around so if we were at a party I would be shoved in a corner and she would sit next to me and answer for me etc or hold me so I couldn't go to the buffet table alone etc. it really dented my confidence and it took me a long time to get over that. When she stopped going to parties with me (because she discovered boys) I didn't know how to mix and basically enjoy the party. So I believe that children should be allowed to have a social life which does not include their siblings necessarily.