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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at DM

54 replies

Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 09:00

My dm has been in a relationship with a man for over 10 years, he's from overseas and has spent majority if their relationship going to and fro. Dm said earlier in the year she wanted to go back with him and spend a few months there. I also have 2 dsis (17&19) who live at home so they would be home alone and left in charge.
The mortgage is paid on the house and dm has savings for dsis to pay for other bills (food, gas, lekkie).

I told her I didn't agree because it was a long period of time and it would ultimately be left to me to be on hand if there are any probs etc. I live about 15 miles away with DS and Dp.

She booked her tickets anyway for 2.5 months and we reluctantly we waved her off.

After about 2 months she announced she was extending her ticket and staying for another 4 months, missing an important family event too. Dsis and I were not happy and told her so, but dm talked about never having a holiday since she has has kids and how much she needed the break, continued to book her ticket.

Dsis (19) goes off to university in shortly (when dm was due back) so I stressed how import it was for her to come home so dsis (17) isn't home alone. Dm has ignored this and has now announced she is extended her ticket a further 3 months.

I am absolutely livid and think she's being so selfish. She's basically having an extremely long holiday and leaving the house and dsis to be sorted by me.

I can't even speak to her at the moment. AIBU to be so mad at her or do I just shut up and agree she 'really needs a holiday'?

OP posts:
gentlehoney · 03/09/2014 09:05

I cant understand why you object to "being there" for your sisters?

HighwayDragon · 03/09/2014 09:09

If she is still paying all the bills and giving money for food then why can't your younger sisters be there? Quite a few 17yos have their own houses and jobs.

Fairylea · 03/09/2014 09:10

What highway dragon said.

It's not ideal but what does the 17 year old think?

Purpleroxy · 03/09/2014 09:11

I would have been really upset if my mum had upped and left like that when I was 17. Even if I had a sibling nearby, that girl presumably has to run the household as if she is an adult and come home to an empty house. Plenty of adults don't like living alone, I know people who are so nervous when their spouse goes away for the night that they go and stay elsewhere for the night.

BinarySolo · 03/09/2014 09:14

Uab a little u. 17 isn't exactly McCauley Calkin in Home Alone. Unless there's something extra like your younger sister having sn ten I really don't see an issue. Especially as she's financially taken care of. I should imagine she's enjoying the freedom.

Damnautocorrect · 03/09/2014 09:16

I can see your point (and I had a house and mortgage at 18). The difference was moving out and being on my own was my choice, this isn't your sisters. Your mums just gone 'bye then'. I can understand some resentment from how it's happened, especially if your mums always been there and supportive before to suddenly withdraw that is not ideal. It really depends on the person at 17, some people want to and thrive being alone others don't.
Have you room for your sister at yours?

shushpenfold · 03/09/2014 09:17

I have to agree with you - I wouldn't be leaving my 17 year old at home on her own (assuming that has A levels this year?) and also not waving off her older dd. YANBU.

DownByTheRiverside · 03/09/2014 09:20

Is your father around, or other family to provide some support for your sisters if you are not willing to?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 03/09/2014 09:23

I think your DM is being selfish. Families should support each other but you are a sister and not a mother.

I have family history of this happening with gf and my aunt was/ is still reeling 30 years later.

How are your sisters coping? Has your DM invited them over?

WooWooOwl · 03/09/2014 09:23

I agree your mum is being selfish and I can see why you are upset with her. But I don't see why she's leaving things to be sorted by you if she's left money to pay for everything. Your sisters are old enough to live alone, especially if all their expenses are being met.

I was quite capable of living alone at that age, is there some reason why your sister isn't? I do accept though that for most young people living away from home it's a choice they've made and it's not forced on them by being abandoned by a parent.

diddl · 03/09/2014 09:24

OP shouldn't have to provide support though.

Her sisters are not her responsibility.

If the 17yr old can't cope alone then the mum should come home!

There's no emergency needing everyone to pitch in!

PenisesAreNotPink · 03/09/2014 09:25

She's not on holiday, it will be a year - she's living abroad.

Has she been back at all to check on them?

I think 17 is too young to have no support at all even though I was at uni at that age.

But you can't do anything about it really. Can't see that their relationship is going to be that good after this.

Original poster
Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 10:37

I have no room for dsis to stay with me and DS goes to nursery locally so we could t stay there.

It's not about the financial impact its more about not being around. We're a really close family so this all seems out of character for her, I don't get why she needs to stay out there for so long, leaving dsis home alone. She's fine because she has to be. The excitement of having of her friends over all the time and feeling independent wore off a couple of months ago.

I have another dsis who lives a few hundred miles away, she's just had a baby and DM has missed that too.

OP posts:
tittifilarious · 03/09/2014 10:45

My friend went through this about 20 years ago. Her elder siblings had all moved away and her mum pretty much moved out to be with her boyfriend, coming "home" every few weeks to leave money.

At the time we thought my friend was incredibly lucky - having the house to herself, coming & going as she pleased. It's only recently she said how lonely she was. She was 17 too.

musicalendorphins2 · 03/09/2014 10:47

The seventeen year old could have someone move in who will help her through the next year, when her older sister is away. Any family members she could live with? Fav auntie, godmother, mature & trustworthy friend?

To the mother, they will be out of the house soon, these are your last years as a family. Could you make it work. Or at the very least, tell them you are wanting to live there. But go visit your home/kids for a few days each month or two.

musicalendorphins2 · 03/09/2014 10:49

Menopause may be contributing, can make women really out of character sometimes.

DuelingFanjo · 03/09/2014 10:52

if my mum had done this to me when I was 17 I would have been pissed off.

How do your sisters feel?

Original poster
Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 10:56

Thanks for understanding. What's annoying is dsis is also going to uni next year so then dm is totally free, she could havecome back a long time ago and go again when she's not needed.

Dsis does

OP posts:
Shonajay · 03/09/2014 10:57

17 is too young! I left my 18 and 20 year old,for two days as it overlapped with my having a holiday alone (first time in years) and dh being away on business.
I felt awful!

Iconfuseus · 03/09/2014 10:59

I'm another one who thinks your DM is being VU.

I bet her younger daughters are very hurt, especially the 17 year old who she has effectively abandoned.

She's going to get a real shock when she does come back, I bet they won't want much to do with her and it will be a long time before they get over this - if they ever do.

I can't think of any advice because I can't see what you can do but put up with it as she's already ignored your request.

I wish you the best.

OneSkinnyChip · 03/09/2014 11:04

YANBU. Your mother is selfish. Yes, it's fine to go out for a few weeks at a time but she could at least come home in between. I would have had very mixed feelings at your sister's age. At 17-18 I enjoyed being home alone when my family were away (I was the eldest) but I always knew they would be home in a couple of weeks. They didn't keep moving the goalposts. I would have been a bit Hmm at the continual ticket extensions. It's a bit bloody obvious she's putting her own feelings first. I'm certainly not a mummy martyr but I think your mum is taking the piss a bit.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 03/09/2014 11:05

I total agree, a 17y is going to be lonely and stressed living on her own.

It's one thing to move out to a small flat rented flat at 17. It's quite another to feel you have to clean and look after a full sized, owner occupied house.

There's no landlord to ring up when the heating breaks or the fridge leaks.

She's doing A levels, she needs to have someone there to chat to, to make her hot chocolate while looking at uni prospectuses.

Someone helping her learn to drive.

Your DM needs a reality check.

ICanSeeTheSun · 03/09/2014 11:31

why couldnt the boyfriend come over here to stay for a few months.

A 17 year is quite able to live alone, some have a child of there own at that age. However I think it's a little young if a person doesnt have to.

NoodleOodle · 03/09/2014 11:39

Just pitch in what you want to, you're not being forced to take on a parental role. Can the 17yr old not cope alone? If not, could she get a housemate?

I lived alone from 16 yr 11, at first with housemates, then alone with baby so it doesn't seem too odd to me.

What about a housemate with reduced rent for taking on some of the household duties as a solution? It doesn't sound like you can change DM's mind so other options need to be explored.

lorriehearts · 03/09/2014 11:41

Your DM sounds really selfish, OP - at every stage, you and your DSis have expressed concern about her going/staying abroad, and she's ignored you each time. She might well be entitled to do it, but that doesn't mean that 1) she's not being selfish and 2) her daughters have to suck it up and play nicely-nicely with her afterwards. I'd be loathe to have a close relationship with her afterwards - pretty clear where her priorities lie.