Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Angry at DM

54 replies

Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 09:00

My dm has been in a relationship with a man for over 10 years, he's from overseas and has spent majority if their relationship going to and fro. Dm said earlier in the year she wanted to go back with him and spend a few months there. I also have 2 dsis (17&19) who live at home so they would be home alone and left in charge.
The mortgage is paid on the house and dm has savings for dsis to pay for other bills (food, gas, lekkie).

I told her I didn't agree because it was a long period of time and it would ultimately be left to me to be on hand if there are any probs etc. I live about 15 miles away with DS and Dp.

She booked her tickets anyway for 2.5 months and we reluctantly we waved her off.

After about 2 months she announced she was extending her ticket and staying for another 4 months, missing an important family event too. Dsis and I were not happy and told her so, but dm talked about never having a holiday since she has has kids and how much she needed the break, continued to book her ticket.

Dsis (19) goes off to university in shortly (when dm was due back) so I stressed how import it was for her to come home so dsis (17) isn't home alone. Dm has ignored this and has now announced she is extended her ticket a further 3 months.

I am absolutely livid and think she's being so selfish. She's basically having an extremely long holiday and leaving the house and dsis to be sorted by me.

I can't even speak to her at the moment. AIBU to be so mad at her or do I just shut up and agree she 'really needs a holiday'?

OP posts:

Girlwhowearsglasses · 03/09/2014 11:42

I can't imagine how lonely your DSis will feel. Pretty much abandoned and on her own. Plus it's probably quite difficult for her to actually say 'this is awful' because on a daily basis nothing specific has happened unless the roof leaks or something.

Plenty of adults feel scared in a house on their own overnight.

You DM needs to think about how this will affect her relations with your DSis forever.

Short term she could get a lodger - maybe another young woman a bit older - grad student at local uni or something - not to 'look after' her but more so she not on own.

I'd be mortified

Girlwhowearsglasses · 03/09/2014 11:46

Also don't have any of that 'oh DSis says its fine , she's ok' type conversation - your Dsis would have to say that - for her own sanity if anything.

MarchEliza · 03/09/2014 11:47

The OP is not objecting to 'being there' for her sisters - the point is her DM has just selfishly and with very little consideration (barring money) of her children has upped and left.

I appreciate that the 19 year old is an adult, however going off to uni is a stressful and difficult time and I'm surprised that the DM didn't want to be there to wish her well etc.

As for the 17 year old - I do think it is too young to live alone full time. I lived next door to a 17 year old boy who lived on his own last year. He was very nice but very vulnerable and he admitted that he was terribly lonely. It's not nice.

YANBU.

SanityClause · 03/09/2014 11:49

For people who lived alone at 16, do you think that was the best possible thing that could have happened, or were they the cards life dealt you, and you made the best of them?

This mother is being hugely selfish, particularly given she would be pretty much footloose and fancy free in a year's time, when the younger DD goes to uni.

WooWooOwl · 03/09/2014 12:06

I lived alone at 17 through choice, not because of the cards life dealt me. With hindsight, yes, it was the best thing that could have happened for me.

Lee32 · 03/09/2014 12:08

I totally sympathise and think YANBU at all. Purpleroxy made a good point about loneliness too - it can be really stressful and psychologically undermining - making sure the food and utility bills are paid for is just not enough.

Your mum is being very selfish to totally withdraw from her family like that. Why can't she at least travel back and forth and visit from time to time? She's not even drawn by a new grandchild? Wow.

And it's not a question of a 17-year-old being ABLE to look after herself, but what unwise decisions or influences might she be subject to, with no one else there to advise or support? Especially if she gets a bit depressed over the nonstop solitude (who wouldn't?). It sends a clear signal of I Don't Care, which isn't going to help her state of mind either. Your sister is still a legally a minor, and it just smells like abandonment.

Is the man putting pressure on your mother to stay in his country, I wonder? Would he try to make it into a permanent move? If money isn't a problem for her, do you think that could be part of the allure? Cynical I know, but it happens to older women every day of the week.

Your mum better hope this guy doesn't trade her in on a newer model, or she may get a taste herself of what being left all alone is like.

Original poster

Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 14:08

It's not the same as choosing to move out at 17, you have time to mentally prepare yourself to pay bills etc.

OP posts:

Altinkum · 03/09/2014 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaRaSkirtsForever · 03/09/2014 14:12

Not deliberately missing the point of your OP, but are you sure everything is OK with your DM? It just seems odd to miss such huge milestones, as I am assuming that your DS would have had revision, exams, results and then done the whole organising for uni thing on her own. Or with your helping her. Do you see what I am saying? I find that a bit odd to miss such huge milestones like that..

Are you talking to her through Skype or is it just all email?

Altinkum · 03/09/2014 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 14:13

Thanks lee I agree it's about having mum there when you need her, and she still does.

At 17 I was in college, finding my feet, making friends, meeting boys and I needed my mum for advice, I just don't get why she feels my dsis don't need that?

She doesn't have a boyfriend but she has a best friend, I think I'll ask if she can move in for a few months

OP posts:

RaRaSkirtsForever · 03/09/2014 14:13

Reading that back that sounds a bit awful to suggest that something may be wrong, but I would be worried.

Summerisle1 · 03/09/2014 14:22

Your DM does come across as very selfish here. It's not that it is totally unreasonable for a 17 year old to live independently because 17 year olds can and do. However, it is totally unreasonable to land this sort of independent living on your Dsis without any preparation or expectation.

I suspect your DM had no intention of coming home in 2.5 months and if that was the case, she should have had the decency to be honest at the outset.

Original poster

Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 14:27

altinkum that's not the same though is it?

OP posts:

tittifilarious · 03/09/2014 14:34

Yes summerisle has encapsulated what I've tried to post but kept deleting because I couldn't phrase it right.

Original poster

Orangeisthenewblack1 · 03/09/2014 14:40

rara she's in quite a remote place so no internet access just regular phone calls

OP posts:

Blowninonabreeze · 03/09/2014 20:23

Idiots out if character for your mum, are you confident that she's staying there of her own free will? How well do you know her partner?
Assuming she's staying out of choice, no I don't think YABU. I can't imagine leaving a 17 year old at home alone indefinately.

whois · 03/09/2014 21:12

The amount of people on here who think you can't leave a 16 year old for one week, then loads of people thinking this is ok!

I think it's pretty shit to be honest. Living alone in the family house with no one near you (15 miles isn't near) when it wasn't your choice.

rumbleinthrjungle · 03/09/2014 21:24

She's done being a mother, isn't she? Very hard for your sisters.

There are agencies that would support the 17 year old and make sure she's ok if she wants it. She would be considered vulnerable at that age alone, although perfectly able to live alone if she's happy to.

dangly131 · 03/09/2014 21:38

Its all well and good ppl saying 'I had a house at 16 and chose to move out early...' but how many still had contact with their parents and had the chance for the emotional support when they needed it? This makes the difference. A cup of tea and a natter when they are lonely, a hug and cry when b/f are being dicks, a word of advice when they come across a problem, enjoying their company shopping or out for tea. All that supports a person emotionally. I live apart from my family and am the only one for 200 miles. I find it hard sometimes when I need them and sometimes a phone call is not enough. A recent event left me devastated and my mum set off to drive 200 miles to me within 5 minutes of me making the call in tears. She doesn't work and so could do that to be there for me. Being a long flight away this would not be possible and a 17 and 19 year olds are still often emotionally immature in some respects.

MomOfABeast · 03/09/2014 21:45

YANBU

Only a few very independent 17 year olds live alone and usually only if they have friends or a partner they've chosen to live with. That's very different from effectively being suddenly abandoned. I can't imagine coming home to an empty house every night at 17 when all my friends had families to go home to, have dinner with, talk to after a bad day etc. OP has her own young family and it shouldn't be her responsibility to take care of her sister (barring some kind of crisis where everyone has to pitch in).

If her mum hasn't had a holiday in all those years surely she could wait a few more for a 6 month sabbatical.

HopefulHamster · 03/09/2014 22:52

It seems like unusual behaviour to me - the only thing that could point to it being 'normal' is that she's been with this man for ten years. If it was a newer relationship and she'd dumped her family like this I'd be concerned for her wellbeing.

I'm sorry OP, it's hard to imagine my mother doing this (and we were never all that close), or me to my own child. It's weird!

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2014 23:33

Are you sure there's nothing else going on?

Do you just chat to your mum on the phone or do you Skype? Have you seen her?

Canyouforgiveher · 03/09/2014 23:49

Another one here who wonders what is really going on with your mum. Does she sound the same? Do you talk to her on her own? Does she have a cell phone? Have you seen her since she left? Because she has effectively moved permanently abroad leaving her 17 year old behind.

I have a 17 year old who will go to college next year. It wouldn't even cross my mind to think that I could leave him on his own now. I'm sure he'd survive. He might even end up in 20 years time making a speech at some business convention about how it was the making of him but it wouldn't fit my definition of my responsibilities to him. Plus I like living with him. I like him living with his family. I think living alone before uni would make him very vulnerable and lonely.

Lee32 · 03/09/2014 23:51

What Hamster & Nanny said. Hmmmm… your mother is spending the better part of a year in a remote place with no internet access. That means there are a lot of things she won't be able to do. I wonder if she's facing any other restrictions…?

It just doesn't make sense to me that she would want to miss all those family milestones, leave an underage daughter entirely on her own, and stay in what sounds like such an isolated situation. Is she fluent in whatever the native language is? Could her partner gain any control over her money? Men have inordinate power in some societies, especially when the woman's opportunities to communicate are limited.

Orange, do not give any further details or elaborate on her circumstances publicly… but when you next speak to her on the phone, is there any sort of secret family code-talk that might convey some deeper message, if she needs/wants to? My mum and I made up a couple of silly-sounding buzzwords which could be used as alerts. Maybe see if you can gauge anything from her tone next time you speak?

Damn. Feeling a bit uneasy now. Or AIBP?

Flip

1 2 3