to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

No but there have been other issues since the OP and ex split such as continual lateness at school.

This incident IMO is just a part of a bigger problem.

If you normally look quite together op, He may have noticed you'looking dishevelled' and thought you might be stoned? If drugs were a part of the original neglect, maybe he jumped to that conclusion, rather than as you think, he thought you'd been having sex

Unless you are abroad, I would expect a parent to see there children more than a "few times". The OP is putting the blame solely on her Ex, but both parents have responsibility for their children.
Children like Daniel Pelka have made CP's more accountable, hence they are (hopefully) more diligent about keeping records, so no wonder the Op's behaviour raises questions.

Perhaps, but that still doesn't give the HT the right to make personal comments about her appearance, or assumptions about her love life. It is simply a way of undermining her and serves no purpose. She should challenge his behaviour.

Yes, I'm pretty sure the OP has had some difficulties since suddenly becoming a single parent only last year. That is certainly something the HT should be concerned about along with things like attendance, how they are coping at school and so on.

Their mothers appearance and sex life? Not so much.

Were you in these meetings, Curly?Because otherwise you don't know that at all. And considering that OP has had many posts about being upset with pretty much everyone else, and previously with the HT on other topics, its likely her perspective is skewed on this matter.

I don't know if HM overstepped the mark but for goodness sake don't you think most people will be unimpressed at love bites. So , so tacky.

If her appearance reflects her love life than it will involve the children.

A few times could out seeing them once a month for 3 then coming home at the end of the fourth.

Not unheard of for a lot of fathers who work away. Hardly neglectful on her part, she left them with their father not to fend for themselves.

No, I wasn't at the meetings... I'm going on what the OP has said the HT has said... why do you always have to be so argumentative? Of course I couldn't "know"... but if it is true, then it should be challenged. It seems you're saying the OP doesn't deserve any kind of support because she generally feels got at? I'm just suggesting getting support to help change that.

You are still entitled to a certain amount of privacy and to be treated with a little dignity

No, you are not! Your life is now an open book, you are being investigated by SS! If they say jump, you say how high. You become Ms Prim, wear a bloody scarf knotted under your chin ffs, volunteer at the WI, bake cakes. Do what it takes. Everything is open to their scrutiny, they have a right to it. If you are in any way defensive, feel it's 'none of their business' you are not getting what they're there for, what their job is.

I agree that the picture doesn't sound good. I've had my fair share of tumbles in the sack and no-one has ever sucked my neck (except when I was a young teen and it was a boring badge if honour, not remotely linked to passion). For years I dropped my kids off at school in my PJ's (until the kids asked me to stop, wear proper clothes): you don't have that luxury, you are being investigated by SS! I don't think you're getting it, op: your life, habits etc are not your own, ss have the power to make far-reaching decisions regarding your children and your family. You give them, ss, what they want, no questions, no arguing. The HT is perfectly within his remit to make the comments he is making, (At least you know he is making them, which is a positive) as uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing as they are. How you feel about being intrusively questioned about your personal life is immaterial to them.

I am also astonished that you 'don't care' what the locals think about you, when you've moved to a village! If you want anonymous city life, move to the city; but if you've moved to a village, you have to be seen to conform to the culture there, to mind it, whether you actually do or not. This refusal to conform is precisely the sort of thing ss would be sticking their beaks into, and rightly so: their priority is the children and their integration into their society - the one you have chosen for them. Ss have to know you are making the right choices across the board.

If you have to carry the kids on your shoulders or in a sling when you go for a crap then do what it takes. I am exaggerating, but please do get the drift: you do precisely what ss say and require of you.

I appreciate you've a lot going on and don't mean to be harsh. Just spelling out the powers ss have and that you have no choice but to comply to the absolute letter.

Having read the whole thread, it's hard not to be confused. OP, you may not want to be fully explicit here, but I'm really struggling to believe that there isn't more to this, and that you are actually fully aware of why he's asking these questions.

I also get the feeling that you may be the kind of person who, if anyone looks sideways at them, has a whole scenario about who hates whom invented. I know a person like this, and they are under mental health services. Possibly that's why they feel you need to speak to your GP.

Most of all, it's a good time to be honest with yourself, even if you don't feel the need to be honest with us.

No, you are not! Your life is now an open book, you are being investigated by SS! If they say jump, you say how high. You become Ms Prim, wear a bloody scarf knotted under your chin ffs, volunteer at the WI, bake cakes. Do what it takes. Everything is open to their scrutiny, they have a right to it. If you are in any way defensive, feel it's 'none of their business' you are not getting what they're there for, what their job is.

I was talking about from the HT, the SW can of course ask those sort of questions but the school have no reason too.

It must be hard for you and you have had some good advice here.

What you have listed from the HT does not sound too intrusive from the context you have given. You have extrapolated "sex" from "looking dishevelled". That would not be my first (second or third) assumption in your situation. I can also understand the question about the friend who went onto be a BF. Were there concerns about his suitability to be around you/you children? The HT staff informed him about the Love Bite...they clearly thought it was a worrying "signal" on your part.

I guess, what I am saying, is that these questions sound more about concern for your DC, their environment and what they are being exposed too (and I have to say that the LB is pretty contentious with a lot of people finding them cheap and nasty - so maybe cut out any behaviours that are remotely controversial and do yourself a favour). It is not really an interest in you/your life as much as as that of your DC.

Glad to hear you are single now though. Hope you can keep it that way so that you can concur ate totally on you and your DC. Good luck.

My kids' HT - the one I had been in plays with, called by his first name, drank in the pub with countless times along with the rest if the cast/s - approached me when dd badly hurt her face on a swing. He was The Professional, seriously grilled me about the accident, made insinuations that were, as it turned out, off the mark. He was doing his job and, once I got over the shock and stopped shaking, I was glad to know he would do what it takes to protect my kids, even if it meant trashing an established social relationship.

I think a lot of parents don't realise one if the key remits of primary school staff: to look out for the kids with dispassionate and professional eyes. That's aside from any preexisting issues.

The HT is an established, official, member of the ongoing investigation.

Re the GP: ss have asked for an assessment of your MH as part of their investigation. They are investigating every aspect if this case, you go along. Conform and comply, op, that's your mantra for now.

Couple of questions how long after you came back to the country were ss called in and how long after that did you and your ex separate. I'm just wondering whether ss didn't feel that you reacted quickly enough to protect the dc. The involvement does seem to be long term.

I don't remember the Op saying that she been out of the country...

You are right it states living in a different county for work rather than country.

Did your ex smoke marijuana before you left the county for work, or was that a weird thing he started doing after left? If it's something he did before you left, SS may be looking at you wondering why you would leave your children in the care of someone who had form for using illegal drugs. I'm not saying that's the reason, but that may give them cause to question your judgment.

You had me worried there Jacks that I'd completely misunderstood!

Sorry chipped I added an r that wasn't there didn't mean to worry you.

There's obviously a lot more going on here than you are disclosing, fair enough. I would really question your judgment though on even putting this thread up? So easy to be identified and I remember your previous posts too!

I would urge you to consider if your boundaries are as good as SS would expect, this thread is a case in point.

Is that your son on your profile?! Seriously, fucking OP, get yourself sorted. Knew I should have checked your profile before I posted my first post.