to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

It's not right or proper from the headmaster but you obviously feel sensitive enough about it to take note of his comments. He has a lot of power when you are all going through a difficult situation so an alarm bell rings for you when he passes these remarks. I see you as having two options. You can complain about it and get his back up. It sounds like you have a valid grievance but I'm not sure you or DC need the added stress. Secondly can you just play along and don't give him any further ammunition - put a scarf on if you have a hickey brush your hair and check your outfit before going into school. Put the energy and focus back to improving the situation for DC

It is likely that the professionals meet together before they meet with you. They will discuss how your plan is going and any developments / new information.

When they meet with you they will no doubt ask you about anything that has come up in that pre meeting. Although it might appear creepy, I think it is more likely that the HT is following up on the earlier discussion, although I would agree with other posters that it might help you to have an advocate there for you.

If your goal is to come out the other side of this, how can you work with the professionals to achieve that?

The HT should not be making inappropriate comments to you, you have been advised on here to talk to your SW and to attend meetings with the HT with an advocate for yourself.

The point about the 'love bite' is due to most people that mark their partners in such a visual way are people that tend to be territorial and controlling. So a red flag.

You and your dc are already under SS help and observation due to your xh, any new dp will be observed as statistically women that leave a DV relationship tend to go into another, hence the 'freedom program' that is often suggested here. Now no woman deliberately enters an abusive relationship out of choice, abusers don't advertise themselves as such (back to love bite). You are on paper a vulnerable woman and your children are at risk due to your xh, no one wants you or your dc to be pushed into further risk by your current dp. he may of course be the nicest man on the earth, but the team that are working to keep you all safe don't know that (police checks only pick up convicted offences) and will need to document observations as a matter of course.

This sort of thing really pisses me off. It's similar to DV cases whereby the woman (in most cases) finally leaves and takes the kids and ends up with very little support. Cue child protection plans for the kids and unrealistic expectations/demands on mum and judgy fuckers all around. That can't be right can it?

OP - agree with what people have said up post. It doesn't matter in what context the HT is saying these things. It is not appropriate. I would suggest you discuss this more with your SW and at the next meeting, if HT makes similar comments - repeat them back to him then ask SW whether the comments/questions are relevant.

Have you a Home-Start near you? They might be able to provide a volunteer to support you through this. You need to focus 100% on your DC at the moment. Perhaps having a friend without an agenda (and who won't judge you) might help.

OP hasn't said it was DV - it was neglect.

Personally speaking op I think that the best thing you could do is stay away from relationships and have some time rebuilding yourself, spend time making actual friends (you say you don't have anyone to come to meetings with you), stabilising your dc's lives, working on being a fully functioning unit with your dc.

Why bring men into this right now?

Why do you need validation in this way?

Why have love bite mark showing? An unconscious sign to show others that you are loveable?

Why not take some time out of dating and find out who you are, find your inner wild woman. You can't even say boo to a mouse atm (HT), you should be working on strengthening your self esteem.

Neglect is still abuse, doesn't have to be physical, my point was that she and the dc are deemed vulnerable.

Huge assumptions being made that the OPs exh was abusive.

The OP themselves have said on this thread and on previous ones that it wasn't a DV situation.

Neglect is still abuse, doesn't have to be physical, my point was that she and the dc are deemed vulnerable.

We don't know if the neglect was by the OP aswell though. There are huge gaps in what the OP is saying. There is a reason as to why so many agencies are involved.

Sorry - my point was about trying to do the right thing, but not having any support to see it through.

IME plans are not always realistic. It's all well and good to say you must do this and you must do that, but without support it can feel impossible to achieve what they're asking of you. It's also extremely easy to be called on the slightest thing.

Exactly, there are a number of agencies working with op, what ever the reason. The dc and herself are vulnerable, my advise is that she works on her self esteem and building a life with her children without any boyfriends/Dp's for a little while.

She should be able to speak out for herself re HT, but she can't atm. She has no friends for support etc.

If the op was a friend of mine I would be advocating counselling and finding relevant support groups.

I hope that what ever op does she will find happiness for herself and her dc.

Earth, the neglect was not by me, it happened when I moved to a different county for work and was living away from the house for about 4 months. I saw the dc's a few times in this time, the first time I had any real indication of a problem was when, on the first day of a new job, I got phone calls from SS. Can't go into more detail but it was very distressing for me to find out that my husband, father of my children, had let me down and them down in such a huge way. He assured me he would look after them and he didn't and I'm paying for it now :(

Curly, I think you are right. In my opinion, their plan is unrealistic. Again, can't really go into huge detail but for example they want me to never leave the dc's unsupervised. Fairly standard you might say but the dc's are 7&6 so not babies (although dc2 has ASD) and I'm apparently not allowed to not be in the same room as them. Not to shower, clean or use the loo, not ever! Apparently anything less is 'not proper supervision'.

I think Theoldhagmakes some good points.

I know you might feel that it is none of the HT's business, but it takes a village and all that. And how do you know the nurse "hates you"? SS are involved now, and being defensive won't help your cause. They will have very good reason for the DC not to be left unattended at any time - did your exH's neglect mean that they were left alone for long periods of time and were subsequently traumatised by this? 6&7 is still young and they have clearly been through a lot, as have you.

SS get a lot of flack I think, when most SWs are doing their damnedest to make sure vulnerable kids are given all the support you need. While you may not appreciate the intrusion, isn't it better that somebody actually gives a toss about you and your kids? I'm sure there is more help there if you need; maybe drop your defences a little bit and people will rally round. It sounds like you have been through a lot as a family and kids always know more than we adults think they do.

No lady, he didn't leave them alone he just spent all his time playing on the computer and smoking weed :(

It is unreasonable to expect a single parent to never leave the room though isn't it?! Or should I just hold it all day till they go to bed?

I don't mean to be defensive it's just I'm trying my best under difficult circumstances and it never ever seems good enough :(

Sounds like you're well rid of him extremepie Sorry you had to deal with that.

It's understandable that you would be defensive - you are being left to deal with the fallout from your ex's crap parenting. But it might make it easier for you if you can wipe the slate clean with the HT and SW and nurse - be as compliant as necessary and fake it 'til you make it IYSWIM. If you can avoid being labelled the difficult parent it will be much easier for you, I reckon.

I hope it all sorts itself out for you and that you and your DC can put it behind you all.

I still think that there is a lot going on here which we don't know (which of course is your right not to tell)

Having had a look through your threads (to try and understand more) you have had a lot of things going on in a short space of time.

You have had issues not that long ago with repeated lateness for school amongst many other issues.

As I have said. I do think that this id a snapshot of a much bigger issue.

You if course can be defensive, but you also describe yourself previously as stubborn. I wonder if this is coming across badly in your meetings

This is all very unsettling.

I've read the thread but still can't see any reasonable explanation for the HMs involvement in your sex life, or your appearance. It's not his place.

I can understand the social worker bringing up concerns over (possible) unsuitable partners but that should be done privately away from the school. You are still entitled to a certain amount of privacy and to be treated with a little dignity.

As for the love bite, no it's not the most wonderful thing in the world but it's also not worthy enough to be reported in such a way. Are people supposed to stop having sex once SS get involved or is this because you are a single mother having sex?

Having actual dates for when you looked 'dishevelled' is quite frankly creepy.

extremepie - you need to get yourself some support so you can support your dcs in the best possible way. Unrealistic doesn't begin to describe some of the things SWs expect IME.

You are the only person who can change this. You have done the right thing, but you need help in sustaining it. If there's more going on then so be it - it doesn't change what's happening now and you have a chance to make it better. Don't take any shit from the HT - it's not his place to make personal comments and you should challenge that appropriately.

You need a buddy. Someone who will encourage you to speak up for yourself and who can also support you regularly (listening ear, practical support etc). You don't have to do it alone. You just need to ask for help.

xx

"Huge assumptions being made that the OPs exh was abusive."

The children would not be under a long term plan if there hadn't been abuse and/or severe neglect in the home. With resources so thin, this kind of involvement is not the norm and signals large and long term issues, which the op is downplaying in favour of talking about her love life and the comments made about it.

If there is a concern about a child's welfare, and the mother's mental well-being is called into question then the relevant agencies and anyone involved in supervising the child and family would be fully expected to have dates. Its not creepy. If anything happened to these children and it was felt necessary to remove them from the situation, it wouldn't simply be enough for involved parties to give their undocumented opinion, they would be rightly expected to have a fully dated trail of concerns and show that these had been brought to the attention of the parents and given the opportunity to explain, correct any misconceptions. In this case all the concerns may well be unfounded but quite frankly how is anyone supposed to know what is founded or unfounded, until a tragic case appears on the news and everyone says, 'how did anyone not notice??'.

I am not in the slightest saying the OP is anything but a loving, conscientious parent, just pointing the hypocrisy in a society who will jump on authorities for getting overly personal or dictatorial with parents and then be horrified when tragic cases occur.

This may sound harsh but just going on what has been said on this thread and nothing else:

You worked away for 4 months and you didn't see your DC's much to the point that the first time you realised your DC's were being neglected was when you got called by SS.

You've had issues with being on time getting to school.

You've had recurrent issues with men.

You think having visible love bites is acceptable.

Part of your HT's job is to ensure your Dc's welfare. To him it may not be coming across as though you are taking your DC's welfare that seriously if you have time for love bites and a number of different men in a short time frame.
If you are then defensive in meetings rather than working with the CP team, what do you expect them to think?

Parents sexual lives, or children's perception of them, can have a huge impact on the future well being of children, both in terms of their own self worth and how they will later value other people. Its not irrelevant, to the child or society.

You worked away for 4 months and you didn't see your DC's much to the point that the first time you realised your DC's were being neglected was when you got called by SS.

It's not as if she buggered off on holiday, she was working and left the children with their father. I doubt she ever thought they would be neglected by him.

Many parents go away to work for months on end.