to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

That was just an example liberal I can't remember the exact dates.

My family are lovely but live miles & miles away :(

Earth, yes they did agree it, I guess they felt he had improved enough for them to stay with him?

can I just add that it is even more important that the team are checking up on this stuff, knowing that your ds2 is non-verbal or has limited communication? Rather than it being a good thing as he couldn't be giving them any information (as you seem to be implying that he wouldn't be mentioning any men friends/ talking at school because he can't talk) it actually makes it even more pertinent that they quiz you about these things, to ensure the safety of an (even more vulnerable than most) child. Having a child with additional needs who couldn't complain or report anything untoward even if it was going on, lends an extra air of uncertainty to the equation, in order to ensure his safety.

It's part of the reason that they are being so intrusive.

Does ds have his own SW? Do you have input from the CWD team?

I have pmmed you extremepie

No he doesn't and sort of but not really :/

It's not a good thing he can't talk I'm trying very hard to get him to talk but I just meant in that context I know I can eliminate that as a possibility!

And yes, I totally get why they are intrusive for his protection as he is more vulnerable than normal, it's something I'm very aware of :)

I hope you manage to get everything back on track very soon, Extremepie. You must be exhausted after the school holidays.

I now remember some of your previous threads and realise what a complex situation this is. Whilst there are no doubt some things that you could have done/be doing to help reassure SS, it does also seem that the relationship between you and the school has been fraught with difficulties, much of which seems to have come from them. I'm not surprised you don't trust them to be "on your side," to be honest.
Have they finally managed to provide your ds2 with his entitlement to full-time schooling, with a nominated 1:1 who's not re-assigned every five minutes?

And with regard to the posters mentioning your extreme upset at the break-up with the bf, I'm wondering if that was perhaps a culmination of all the stress and worry of the past couple of years.

I've seen a phrase used on here before that I think is useful to remember and quote at the school "I'm the parent who stayed around."

Extremepie, I really feel for you. Your in a really difficult, stressful situation. The hts comments are the tip of the iceberg with this.

Any help from the sleep clinic about ds sleep probs?

Any support from Ss for counselling or family support?

I see why you feel scrutinized and its horrible.

But you have to listen to the sw and do whatever they ask.

I've seen a phrase used on here before that I think is useful to remember and quote at the school "I'm the parent who stayed around."

I'm not sure saying things like that would help in this situation!?

Which is why it was crossed out, as tongue-in-cheek!

I know you have said you are fine with the love bite and you want that comment considered closed but as it was said up thread it can be an indicator of abuse. My very abusive ex used to 'mark' me with them and if you Google domestic abuse its a common practice
He used to say "branding" me. So in this case as it was pointed out earlier it would have been a relevant observation

In child protection there are signs that trigger further agency involvement
One is what they call the toxic trio which ring massive alarm bells
The three indicators are mental health issues , domestic violence and drug or alcohol misuse.
If you have been as defensive and guarded in the meetings as you have been on here then on not surprised they are all over you.
And rightly so. They have got your children's best interests at the centre of all this. Even if you haven't

Insan, thanks for assuming I don't have my children's best interests at heart, I'm guessing you know this by..oh wait you don't!

Well, there has never been any DV either with exH or exbf and the only drug abuse issue was resolved when he moved away so that's 2 out 3 I don't have :)

Extremepie let me be blunt if you only have your dc best interests at heart and are behaving as such then why do you still have ss involvement 12 months after your ex left?

Are you confusing 'blunt' with 'acunt' there? Come on guys, this kicking is getting pretty unedifying for mumsnet. Which is not to day there aren't more issues than Paul Ross has dogging contact mags behind his bath panel, but there are ways of approaching a topic, yunno? And at least attempting to be supportive is usually the most constructive way of getting someone to acknowledge your points.

Mmm I agree with BOF, this is getting way out of hand, people making all sorts of assumptions. Back the fuck off the OP. She's struggling and if you don't have anything vaguely helpful to say, then leave it. Otherwise, you are just kicking her while she's down.

myfairy did you shine up your Sherrif badge this morning? It's really not up to to decided who can and can't post in threads.

Many posters have come on and offered advice but the op doesn't think she needs it.

I had a look through her other threads and it's a reoccurring theme that every one is agsinst her, people have got issues with her.

Ss have been still been involved a year after dh left. They are there because of her actions now. I really dont think op is taking any culpability for that. Any points that have been raised have been met with a smiley face.

As others have pointed out, op shares so much private information about her multiple relationships and her dc over the past couple of years and then puts pictures up of her ds which makes them identifiable. So their dirty washing is aired over the internet and that's not safeguarding your dc, it's irresponsible.

If complete strangers can see this then then you can bet your bottom dollar the head and SS can too and more.

Posters have used kid gloves for op had it worked? No.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg and op desperately needs proffesional help. For her self and her kids. Does she think she needs it ? No. The ss have asked her to go see her GP about her MH.

I hope for all involved - she puts her own choices and thoughts at the back of her dc needs and tries her best with ss.

She is struggling I agree but her telling people who are trying to help to fuck off doesn't help either.

OP take all of the advise given on board, even that which you don't agree with.

There are gaps as big as the Atlantic Ocean in your posts (such as even after a year not being sure why multi agencies are involved with your case) however it is your porogative to do so. You also have to accept that people won't always agree with you.

Sometimes you have to take a step back from your situation (difficult I know) and see it as others do. Think about for example if a friend was in your situation what you would advise if they had private information on a public profile whilst their children were under a very intensive CP plan. Maybe then you may see the angle that people who don't agree with you are coming from

Agree with BOF about the pages of kick the OP. not sure what people think that's going to achieve.

1. OP, you sound like you desperately need an advocate.
2. You also need to take a step back and think about where this is leading. It's easy to get so focused in the little things that the big things come as a shock. Don't take what ss are saying as suggestions or annoying over reactions that you can justify or talk away.... Think of them as absolutes. Laws you have to follow whatever you may personally feel about them.
3. Use the sw involvement for for dc benefit. you need help with SN provision. Get that on the agenda.

Reading about ss on here and in rl, one thing has really stayed with me that someone wrote. Parents tend to be shocked when their children get taken into care. They honestly have no idea it's come to this. There seems to be a squeamishness around straight talking in this process, but sometimes it's needed. They need to be Spelling out that if you don't comply the children will get taken away.

The endless meetings can lull people into a false sense of security. It maybe can seem like the parents voice is being heard, but if those meetings arent moving forwards, then it doesnt matter whose voice was heard or who said what to who.

That all the excuses and arguing in these meetings amounts to nothing - the decisions are made on 'has the parent done the things they've been told to', and if no, over months and months, then the parent will be considered not to be able to / want to change. That's it.

I don't want to scare you. I have no idea what stage proceedings are at in your case. But ss don't go away unless you've done exactly what they've asked. And getting embroiled in the small stuff is distracting you from this big, terrifying point.

You need to think, is it worth saying no or not complying with constant supervision? Think about it, comply with this... Or face the consequences. I know which I'd be doing! Don't fight the process. Don't try and prove your point. Hear what they're asking for. And do it, and prove you're doing it.

Well said misc

Miscellaneous, thing is, it's not that I don't understand, I do understand very well, I know exactly what will happen if I don't toe the line and I am doing it!

It's just that some of the things which they ask are very difficult - I'm a single parent with very little support network it is almost impossible for me to never not be in the same room as them, especially during the school holidays. If I'm in the bathroom trying to clean the toilet for example, ds2 will be trying to stick his hands in there or playing with the cleaning products etc Trust me, I have tried and it's really really difficult which the SS don't seem to get. I appriciate the are looking out for the dc's, it's their job but sometimes the things they ask are borderline unachievable and then if I tell them that I'm 'making excuses'?

They wanted me to attend an appointment with a specialist for ds' soiling, which I am trying to do but the specialist takes months to get an appointment with, we had one in April and are still waiting for our next one, so how is it my fault if we haven't had one yet?

Honestly, I'm not trying to make out like 'oh nothing is my fault and the whole world is against me' because I'm well aware of my faults and mistakes and where I can work to improve things but I just think sometimes they expect things from me that are very difficult to achieve. Ok some of it is perfectly achievable, no issue there but like you've said you have to do everything to the letter and if you can't they look at it like you're not trying when I'm trying my damnedest!

With the MH issue, I have been depressed in the past, to the point where I was suicidal, and I don't feel anywhere close to that now. Generally I feel fine, obviously I get upset from time to time and my temper can be quite short but that isn't the same as a MH problem, I know the difference!

This is not a case of 'not wanting to be tarred with the MH brush' as someone suggested up thread but I genuinely don't feel I need it - the SW suggested I take AD's for a while and while I have no problem with them in general, I know lots of people close to me who have really struggled with them. I get that not everyone is the same but it's a road I would really rather not go down, would much rather have councilling but I explored that possibility before and all the groups/appointments are either in the evening or in locations I can't get to and still be able to pick dc's up from school. I have no one to watch them for me so I can attend.

We can probably help with suggestions for making tjings easier if you ask. For example I use fly lady swish and swipe to keep the bathroom clean and it really does only take 2 minutes and I do it while my dd is asleep. It might not work for you but I'm sure with the collective wisdom of mumsnet we can find systems which will work for you and help you meet ss demands. Sometimes things can seem too big and daunting to tackle but we can help and will.

Ew love bits are rank, don't understand anyone who'd give them or have them showing if they received one.

Dirty

I'm glad you're not feeling depressed any more OP but I still wonder whether some support from a counsellor or psychologist would help you through this difficult time. Sometimes therapy works best when someone is not wrestling with a severe depression as it gives them a better opportunity to reflect on things and change patterns. If you've experienced lots of bad relationships and are struggling to establish friendships in your new community this could be a focus of the work. It sounds like the MH assessment is something you need to go for to show SS that you are taking advice but I'd hope if you go into it with an open mind you could see some benefits for you too. It's a tricky situation because you are under some obligation to go but I'd speak to whomever you see about the purpose of the assessment and what the boundaries of confidentiality are so that you can be clear in advance what may be fed back to SS. If you tell the GP or MH worker anything which leads them to believe your kids are at risk they'll have to feed that back but I wouldn't expect other information to be shared.