to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

So, if all this stuff was so long in the past, and none of it is in any way relevant, why are you concerned today about the HT's comments?

He isn't likely to make any more comments?

Your life is an oasis of calm and peace, and you are 100% in control.

Why would you be concerned what the HT said months ago, when you know that you have no issues, your family life is plain sailing, there is no lateness, dishevelment or sex life, and he can't possibly make any comments, as there is nothing for him to comment on?

You have transport for your children (so are not even going to be at the school gate for him to comment on your appearance).

I don't think I understand the point of thread if nothing you are talking about is an ongoing concern for you, and everything is hunky dory?

Is this just a back to school wobble, because you have been reminded about all of last term's angst?

I can't make head nor tail of the timescales I'm afraid. But if you are 100% convinced that none of his previous concerns are likely to raise their heads as they are non-existent now, then let it go.

Being angry is a pointless waste of your time and theirs, tbh. Officially challenging them is pointless. You don't need vindication in the form of extra drama. You need to continue with your newly calm and ordered life, and not find any more bumps or detours.

Starting any sort of official complaint will just keep everything on the boil for longer and cause more stress for both you and your children.

Yet you still carry on complaining about your ex. He's gone, it's over.

Stop moaning about everyone else and start looking at yourself.

Yep, again, not helpful chipped!

4 other professionals in the room? & this man is allowed to question a woman in this way? It looks to me as if OP has been morally judged already, then.

Maybe OP is wrong in some things..I dont know, just looks like a lot of "perfect" people who never ever make mistakes are jumping on her. But I can't see that what this man is doing is right, at all. Her behaviour doesn't cancel out his, sorry

they have just taken the opportunity to kick me when I'm down

I know you're going to reject this observation out of hand, but people who don't know you just don't do this. You really have to try to work on not seeing yourself as a victim.

There is one other thing, I am really struggling to understand how desperate the neglect of your children became that things deteriorated so dramatically that it went from normal to social services in a matter of a few months. I'm very impressed that they became involved so quickly, but it is contrary to their general reputation.

Some quite cruel comments here, even when the underlying point being made is quite sensible. Even from the viewpoint of a quite conservative, private person, I don't see that it is the headmaster's role to interrogate the OP about her relationship status. That should come from Social Services. That doesn't mean it will never be appropriate for him to mention what he has seen, for example, if the OP was denying having a relationship (not the case), if he disputed that with these comments, it could be appropriate. But we could also have the case of a dominant person pushing in to territory that isn't really his.

Who knows what was going on? There were deficiencies clearly, but I think some can't resist sticking the boot in, feeling gleeful that whatever anyone may say about their parenting, at least they don't have Social Services involved. Some people need to be able to look down on others.

OP, if you cannot get an advocate to attend with you I would just try to detach yourself a little. Try to mentally prepare yourself before you attend, and take a little time to answer any questions put to you. Try not to let the man and the process beat you. Be open to their suggestions and consider where you may have been going wrong or can do better. Social services can be incredibly powerful so as others have advised you, just dance to their tune.

But OP to be honest I don't think AIBU is the correct place for getting the advice you need - even if some things you've done have been inappropriate - and I am not suggesting they have - then it would perhaps be pointed out to you in a different way on a different board. You probably shouldn't have mentioned the lovebite, some of the reactions would've been different, I think. But go to another more appropriate MN board and take it from there. Given that there is some private info on this thread Id think about withdrawing it, if I were you....

They do still see me at the school as I have to go with the children as ds needs and escort due to his disability, plus I still have the pick ups.

The relationship issues are no longer and issue as such because I am now single but because I have become single over the summer he doesn't know that yet and given his past pattern of bringing things up over and over I'm wondering how I should respond if he raises it again.

sorry - meant to say Im not suggesting YOU'VE done anything inappropriate

Fair enough mistress but that was one of the things I was so [shocked] about him mentioning!

Apocalypse from what I can gather there was one specific incident that caused them enough concern to get involved, I'm still not totally clear on the details because I wasn't there at the time but I wouldn't go into it here anyway :)

Oh yeah, that's fine, it's was just confusing when you hear about the years some kids endure with almost no apparent intervention.

Without knowing the reasons why the CP plan is still in place or why SS still believe the children are at risk it is hard to say if HT input at the conference is appropriate or relevant.
You are extremely defensive and have said that you believe professionals who are involved with your family actively dislike you.
In my experience this is typical of parents/carers who are not meeting SS expectations. It is far easier for you to assume their concern is due to their personal feelings about you than acknowledge your own shortcomings as a parent. Until this acknowledgement is apparent SS will continue their involvement, as it is essential for you to recognise the harm your children are at risk from before you can begin to protect them.

Several people have said it is really difficult to evaluate the HT comments. The bottom line is you do not feel comfortable with him. You and your DC need a positive relationship with the school and your relationship with the HT seems to be acting as a significant obstacle.

Just - as many have suggested - ask the SW for an alternative member of staff maybe? Or take an advocate - advice on organisations that could provide one have (I think) been suggested upthread.

Agree with Georgina1975 that "the bottom line is you don't feel comfortable with him".

He sounds like a bloody creep to me, actuallly.

Anyway you've had some good advice here & there on thread so hope you get all sorted out. Good luck

Why are they only providing transport in one direction and no escort?

(Sorry - totally off topic, but I have two disabled dc and am baffled. If he needs transport, they should provide both directions and an escort as required...)

He will only be commenting on the intervening period, surely? More of a catch-up, how was your summer? How are the kids? Everyone seems to have settled in well after the holiday, what do we need to put in place this year to support, these are the plans, type chat.

I'm sure the team will need to know if there has been significant emotional turmoil during the holidays - and so your love life will presumably come up, if it has been turbulent enough to affect the kids in the recent weeks.

Can you go over what happened with your SW, and get the GP appointment sorted, before the next team meeting? That way it will all have been addressed, and should be reasonably easy to get past, particularly if you can get some MH support in place.

No one is going to criticize you if you are being proactive about sorting out your family life, only if you are choosing to rehash and defend the past, or blame others and not do your own bit in moving forward.

There are of course all sorts of gendered inconsistencies surrounding sex, expectations etc. and ordinarily I would be on my soap box with the best of them about your right to a rampant and as casual as you like sex life, however none of them are really in play here, just the expectation that your priority will be your children and their safety and education paramount.

Please please please - go back to school with a new resolve - you are going to be more assertive and say your piece - if you really can't - find an advocate.

The HT should not be mentioning love bites, and further to your original question - if you were to complain if would probably just result in another discussion about your relationships, with even more parties privy to this.

Sit down, write a plan, rehearse it, stop crying and being passive in meetings - tell them you feel the goalposts keep being moved and you have no idea what is expected of you. If you feel you can't say this without getting upset, write it down and ask the social worker to read it out. Focus on the children and the future, not what has happened to you in The past. Ask them to set out the child plan with clear goals and who will be helping you with the goals, and how they will measure if the goals have been achieved..

Tell them - new school year, you want to make a new start and move forward not keep dragging up the past. And show them you mean it by working with them and focussing on the support available rather than the HTs comments made weeks ago.

You can turn this around.

its inappropriate and unwarranted

Personally, I would also ask for this thread to be removed.

Just because you believe something doesn't make it a fact!

And the same goes for the things you have said about the HT. You have believed that you know the context of what he has said about being disheveled without seeing it as fact.

The thing is you really don't seem to be taking on board what others have been saying. You say your ex went straight I to another relationship, well you virtually did to. Then you broke up with bf, posted that you needed mess because you couldn't cope (which was just before the summer holidays) and you've had another relationship since.

No one here is having a go at you but we are trying to make you see what you are doing and how you are coming across.

You have asked for advise and have been given some by people who have experience of the meetings that you are talking about, but you really don't seem to be taking it on board.

Your last post about your love bite included. Can you not see how it looks? That is what people are saying.

You have been advised about the things on your profile and you become defensive. People WILL recognise you from your posts and the picture of your DC (no matter how old it is).

Apocalypse from what I can gather there was one specific incident that caused them enough concern to get involved, I'm still not totally clear on the details because I wasn't there at the time but I wouldn't go into it here anyway

I understand that you don't want to go into details but be honest with yourself. You have had multi agency intervention for many many months but you really aren't sure why?

Earth, the lb thing is such a non issue for me really, I can see why they might think it is but I'm telling them it isn't. End of! I know they can't exactly take my word for it but I really don't think there is any more to be said about it tbh, it's done and I can't undo it but it hadn't happened since.

I understand exactly why they are involved, I've never said I didn't, I understand everything everyone says to me, really I do!

It doesn't matter if it's a "non-issue" for you, because their involvement isn't about you. It's all about your children. As a CP team your children's best interests are all they are interested in, that may or may not include you.

You can say "end of", but it isn't until CP say so.

I mean end of that particular issue chipped

This thread is so depressing. op I don't ever think your going to understand what the authorities want you to do as you seem to think your in the right. I think when you understand that you and your dh have failed them. Admit it, then ask for guidance how to fix this bloody mess you might get in the right track. Until then I think SS are going to be in your dc life's and tbh it sounds like they need to be.

Wake up/grow up op before this gets too far out of hand.

I understood what you meant.

Another has hit the nail on the head.