Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

395 replies

extremepie · 02/09/2014 20:36

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 19:58

Well maybe people should actually read the thread and realise that I have admitted that I am partially to blame but again, people just seem to be conveniently ignoring that in favour of telling me how awful I am.

But I preferred it when you fucked off, so fuck off again why don't you :D

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 03/09/2014 19:58

If you are on the verge of breaking down all of the time you need to see your GP as soon as possible.

I'll leave you to it OP as I think you are feeding off the negative attention rather than taking any advice on board.

basgetti · 03/09/2014 20:03

OP I think you are focusing on the wrong things. You are upset with the HT but do you acknowledge that his concerns about your relationships may be warranted?

I'm not a MN stalker but I do remember a lot of your previous posts. Your ex bf was a nasty piece of work who was intolerant of your son's SN. He has also been sleeping with a teenager, and when you split your reaction was extreme. Then your summer fling was jealous and controlling and very recently you were posting about your rows with him. The love bite may not be anything on it's own, but along with the other concerns it could be seen to display a lack of judgement or appropriate boundaries.

I hope you stick to your resolve to stay single until you feel stronger and can make safer choices both for yourself and your children.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 20:12

Thank you basgetti, you have just show how it is possible to tell the truth but without being nasty and overly harsh :)

Yes, I do accept that I can understand why it may have been brought up in the past. At that time, I didn't think his comments were accurate but with hindsight I can see that maybe he might have had a point. What bothers me is his repetition of certain things which have long since resolved or mentioning things which happened a long time ago - when he mentioned the love bite it had been several months since it was noticed for example it was mentioned in June but noticed in April.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 03/09/2014 20:16

Possibly the love bite on its own wasn't seen as a problem, and it was only in relation to other issues that it was bought up.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 20:21

It didn't seem that way gobby, it was read out in a list with the 'looking dishevelled' incident, all isolated occurances on different days but all along the same 'you're having a sexual relationship with someone aren't you' or 'you looked like you had been up to something' kind of tone :/

OP posts:
MyFairyKing · 03/09/2014 20:22

It's understandable but you come across as overly defensive. Perhaps that is skewing your perception?

DaisyFlowerChain · 03/09/2014 20:24

Are you sure the children aren't saying anything? You have been with two men since the split and from other posts have no help so can't be seeing the men at their homes so they must be coming to you. It only takes one comment and the teachers will be aware they have to feed any relevant back. Both men seem to have had issues as well. Perhaps he is repeating things as the pattern keeps continuing. You are supposed to be concentrating fully on them.

What do SS think of the he children going alone to their fathers given his drug use. Presumably they agreed the visit otherwise you are just giving them something else to pick up on.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 20:30

Yes the visit was agreed by them, he and his new gf both had police checks etc and it was all ok-ed in advance.

They did meet the first ex as we were together for quite a few months but like I said they were only alone with him once or twice and since he mostly came round in the evening after work the didn't have that much interaction with him. I'm sure SS would have told me if ds had said something about him, wouldn't they? Ds2 can't really talk so I know he hasn't said anything..

I don't know, I guess we'll see what happens at the next meeting

OP posts:
Nancery · 03/09/2014 20:31

I've been following this thread and now just looked up the OP's posting history - Blimey!
OP, in the nicest possible way, please, if you ask for advice / opinions please listen. Some posters have very valid points and are clearly trying to help you, not criticise.

Rhinosaurus · 03/09/2014 20:35

I am telling you again, I recommend you request this thread to be deleted.

Social workers,,teachers, school nurses are parents too who may use mumsnet. You live in a relatively small town in a small county (on your profile - I would also remove this), the children's details/ages/health history are very identifiable, as is your history with exH, school, community.

Social workers,,teachers, school nurses are parents too who may use mumsnet. You live in a relatively small town (on your profile), the children's details/ages are very identifiable, as is your history with exH, school, community etc. I am not going to highlight some of your previous posts, but I can venture that you would not want these publicly discussed.etc. I am not going to highlight some of your previous posts, but I think they do not portray things in a very good light.

You have studiously ignored my more recent advice, but I really hope you reflect on it and think about following some of it to start making headway towards getting your normal family life back.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 20:35

I'm not trying to ignore those who are giving advice in fact I really appriciate it I just don't appriciate judgemental comments that are not helpful or constructive and are clearly just intended to be hurtful :(

OP posts:
Rhinosaurus · 03/09/2014 20:37

Whoops not sure what happened there, but you get my drift....

Nancery · 03/09/2014 20:38

What Rhino said

gobbynorthernbird · 03/09/2014 20:38

extreme, that's exactly what I meant. It was relative to other concerns. So, for example, the looking dishevelled could've meant anything on its own, but patterns have to be looked for or anything out of the ordinary.

Rhinosaurus · 03/09/2014 20:38

I agree there have been judgemental comments, but give yourself a kick up the arse and get out of this mess - you can do it.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 20:39

Thing is rhino, I'm already doing some of that stuff so I'm not ignoring your advice I am just already following it!

It seems my life is public property at the moment anyway :(

Tbh, I'm probably going to delete this username anyway, I'm tired of going over all that old shitty stuff just want to start again and be happy :(

OP posts:
Nancery · 03/09/2014 20:44

OP, as far as MN is concerned you have made yourself very identifiable indeed. Complaining your life is now public property on this alone is bizarre considering. As Rhino said, any of the professionals who are working with you can be on MN and surely you don't want them now trawling through your other posts too?

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/09/2014 20:44

Ex did smoke before I left but he promised me over and over that he would give up, that the move would be a fresh start

Well that one is right up there with "the cheque is in the post"

HonoraryOctonaut · 03/09/2014 20:50

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, it does seem like you have your head in the sand a bit though about what you should be doing to improve things where social services are concerned. I remember a lot of your threads and everything seems to be one big drama a lot of the time, you even mentioned that you wanted to send your kids to stay with your ex for a week - the man that neglected them so badly and you knew that he was a drug user, that you have SS and other agencies involved, you have had a lot of conflict with the school over various things, posted lots of times about boyfriends or nights out or other peoples boyfriends not wanting to babysit for you, new boyfriend not babysitting etc.

You be said before about being depressed (not that I blame you, you have a lot on your plate, especially with your ds2) do you think it could be affecting the way you see things? You need to really tow the line when it comes to SS, no nights out and babysitters, no boyfriends or make friends around your DC, don't give the village anything to gossip about.

I think (from what I remember of you previously saying) you struggle hugely with your ds2 and it's doesn't seem like you get any support. Are you entitled to any help with him? I don't know efts sort of help is available (if any!) but you must be totally exhausted, no wonder you can't think straight.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 20:50

Ha, yes well I know that now Phaedra!

No no nancery I meant in RL, what with everything going on! It would be silly to write about stuff on here then complain about it!

OP posts:
ReputableBiscuit · 03/09/2014 20:53

i'm sorry things are so tough just now, OP.

In your shoes, I would steer clear of romantic relationships for a couple of years.

EarthWindFire · 03/09/2014 20:54

So SS agreed the DC going to stay with your ex who had neglected them.

Something really doesn't add up.

Please see your GP ASAP. You first mentioned going before the summer holidays. You really do need to this for yourself and DCs.

LiberalLibertines · 03/09/2014 20:55

If it was noticed in April, and mentioned again in June, that's not several months, I'm not nit picking, they're watching you over a period of time, 2 months is nothing.

Where's your family in all of this love? Sounds like you really need someone in your corner, someone that doesn't want a relationship that is :)

Original poster
extremepie · 03/09/2014 20:58

Yes honorary, I did want them to stay with ex, I was worried as were SS but in the intervening months it seems he's sorted himself out a bit and was checked before they went.

Ds1 missed him desperately so I felt I couldn't say no, despite my feelings about it.

I am trying to get direct payments for ds2 it's due to start soon but it took them months to sort it out so I could get a break.

I am exhausted most of the time, so much so I can hardly think beyond the next day most of the time so when they went to visit their dad it was the first time in a year I've actually have time to myself to really think about things. That's why I decided to end things with the guy I was seeing because I knew it was the right thing to do to prove that I can put the dc's first :)

OP posts: