to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

extreme - i think you can name change and edit your profile (although it might be a bit late now with regards to getting advice for this particular topic). there are other places you can get support (family rights group comes to mind) who can give you advice and support if SS are involved with your family.

She's not alone with him, mistress. She is in a meeting with other professionals - her issue is that it is the HT that is asking her about these issues. Everyone else at the meeting is there listening as well, and seems to think the HT's points are reasonable and contextual (or at least feels they are valid enough not to stop them).

Given that the OP's judgement is in question across the board, it seems fairly obvious that she may also have misinterpreted or not understood the relevance of the HT's comments.

Interesting that she only sees 'sex' in his comments, rather than considering he may have any concerns about her children as a result of her dishevelment, lateness, and random love bite.

I don't doubt that the OP is getting worried about the next meeting though. Presumably since the last one she has had another messy splashed all over fb break-up, been desperate for benzos, and decided that she is, after all, newly single and happy about it. None of this is an apparent cause for concern for her, as she doesn't want to be seen as someone who needs MH help.

Yeah, I wouldn't be looking forward to the meeting either. And I suppose attacking the HT about his (somewhat inevitable) line of questioning is a defence as good as any.

I'm not sure that SS are going to swallow the 'I'm going to stay single and concentrate on my kids, honest' line.

Better make sure you convince yourself, op.

Have OP had meetings alone with HT? I missed that...

No they haven't that I have seen either. The remark was made in a multi agency meeting.

I assumed you were so stupid because that is exactly what you had done. Your age, location, ages and photos of DC, plus many other identifying pieces of information in your threads. But thanks for pointing out to me that you're not.

Dinosaur, I have never said that nothing is my fault, I know exactly what mistakes I have made and I am trying my best to fix them, unlike my ex who caused the problem in the first place and then fucked off to a new relationship in another part of the country, new job, new prospects for himself and yet pays no child support, has seen his kids twice in the last year and has just left me totally alone to dig myself out of his mountain of shit (which is financial as well as everything to do with SS).

I thank those of you who have actually tried to be helpful, I didn't realise I was so wrong to want a little help :(

To those of you that have given helpful comments, I will try to take your advice :)

Gobby, so do you know who I am then?

Haha, you make me laugh mad, soooooo many assumptions just made in that one post!

OP BREATHE!!

I don't think mamamino or anyone else is trying to be nasty to you. She has a very valid point. you have disclosed some very very sensitive information here, which is fine, what's not fine is all the information that could quite easily identify you, which of course could also identify your children. You're not just posting about about the mum at softplay or the twat who blocked your drive with His Nissan micro, you are posting very personal and very sensitive stuff.

You say you're anonymous but you're not, I know where you live, your age, occupation, I know your childrens ages and even know what one of your sons look like and what book you're currently reading!

Honestly OP nobody here is having a pop at you I (we?) just don't want what is already an awful situation for you to get any worse. Please stop feeling that the whole world is against you, its not.

They are exactly the assumptions that everyone irl is making, pie. So sort yourself out, gal, and persuade ss and the school that you are not a flake. Your children are worth it.

I don't. But if I were related to you, or lived nearby, or were a teacher/social worker/nurse/whatever who had a professional involvement with you and your family I would. I've had a couple of friend know who I am, and I have guessed who a couple of my friends are, on here and other forums. This is even though I change some basic details and don't have a 'complete' profile with pics or other info.

What Jellybelly said. Hope you take some steps to get support op x

No you aren't wrong to want help but I don't understand why you can't see that having pictures of your DC along with your profile details on your profile is a bad idea.

Gobby may not know who you are, but SS or any one from your area certainly would.

You need to stop listing all the things your ex has done wrong and spend your time and energy focusing on your children.

Don't pick them up late. Don't post photos if them and the town you live in on the internet. Don't turn up at school with love bites. Stop blaming everyone else and start showing the CP team that you are serious.

Do what they say and go to your GP, because your extreme reaction to your relationship ending shows your need more support.

Or carry on exactly as you are and hope you get to keep your kids. Your choice.

To be fair, you both caused this problem. Him by being there and you by leaving your children for a very long period of time with a known drug user. You could have found work closer or taken a second job if you needed the extra money so that you were around daily.

You have both had new relationships so not sure why he is getting slated for that. Yes he should be seeing them but you were quite happy to leave them for long periods of time with just one parent so it's a little pot kettle black to slate him for doing the same.

You need to do everything they ask, you aren't working so there's no excuse to be late for school or to turn up not dressed properly. The agencies appear to have been involved for some time so must believe the case needs to remain open. Your children need to come first, a man and a sex life can follow on the future when they are stable and no longer seen as in need. The agencies are there to be worked with, they aren't the enemy you seem to think they are.

It's hard not to feel that the whole world is against you when you have a bunch of strangers making assumptions about you, judging you from a brief snapshot of your life, at the same time as SS are ripping apart everything about me an analysing it :(

I know they are only doing their jobs and trying to keep the children safe, I don't blame them for doing that, my issue is with the HT not with SS, my SW has actually been, for the most part, very nice.

Its hard to explain about the 'looking dishevelled' comment about why I feel he was referring to sexual stuff, the way he said it, the way he looked at me, maybe I am being overly sensitive but in that place at that time I felt like I knew what he was insinuating :(

The lateness was because of the place I lived and it took the SS/council about 6 months to sort out transport for us, which ds was eligible for due to his disability. It was nothing to do with anything else and has been long resolved.

Earth, I actually made this profile ages ago so some of the details are no longer accurate, the children look totally different, I have moved, am a different age, have a different occupation, in fact there isn't much that is similar! Ok, I realise that isn't exactly your point but my point is that I had totally forgotten I even had that stuff on there, which is why I have no deleted it.

Dinosaur - I don't pick them up late anymore, explained above.
I have no photos of them or the place I live anymore,
I don't turn up at the school with LB's that was ONE TIME, I'm not blaming anyone else I'm simply giving the facts I am willing to admit it when I do make a mistake but I'm not going to accept the blame when someone else makes one.
I am going to the GP even though I don't need to, can you not see that my extreme reaction was to an extreme situation, not representative of my normal behaviour?

No I couldn't Daisy, the whole point was we wanted to move away from the area, there would have been no point in getting a second job or one closer to home. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, ok in hindsight maybe it wasn't but it was never intentional.

I wasn't complaining that he got a new relationship but I think it stinks that he moved from living with us and being a sahd to 300 miles away, straight into another woman's house with her 2 kids, with no intention to regularly maintain contact with his kids, knowing that he was leaving me up the creek with SS and other stuff and not really giving a shit. Slightly different to what I did.

You will always have people making assumptions about you OP. I know I do and I'm sure many other posters do/have had too. I repeat the world is NOT against you, Nobody is against you. There are people on this very thread that are wanting to help you but you just can't see it. You're only focusing on the negatives.

I can see why some posters have made the assumptions they have, they are only going from the information given. Remember they are the outsiders looking in, they WILL see things differently to you.

For what its worth I would have probably thought the HT was talking about sex from his dishevelled comment too.

It's hard not to feel that the whole world is against you when you have a bunch of strangers making assumptions about you, judging you from a brief snapshot of your life

Then maybe its time to stop posting.

People have offered advice on a number of your threads and you don't seem to be accepting what people are saying, just getting offended instead. People aren't trying to offend you and I doubt the HT "hates" you, neither does the school nurse. People are trying for the most part help you.

Lol I think referring to me as immature when you have readily posted about a grotesque love bite is beyond the pail.....

Oh, and when I left him, he had the support and help of several family members and friends, and we had no SS involvement. He should Imo, been able to cope just fine, again quite a big difference to what he did!

I'm not saying everything is his fault but it was his behaviour that got them on in the first place and now I have to work twice as hard by myself to get them off :/

Wanna, they are grotesque in your opinion, not in mine :) Just because you believe something doesn't make it a fact!

You must have a very charmed life if a love bite is that horrifying to you :/

People on here are giving you sound advice. That advice is obviously unpalatable to you, although clearly other posters have your best interests at heart you cannot see that, and become defensive and rude - ie telling posters to fuck off.

A simple nickname search brings up all sorts of threads which could easily be used against you, if you are posting personal stuff and criticism of the school for gods sake use a different nickname to discuss meetings involving a social worker.

As somebody who regularly attends these types of meetings I am going to tell you the following, you can take it in the supportive spirit it is meant or you can view as a criticism.

You have had a hard time, some of which has been caused by your own bad choices. You feel sorry for yourself and victimised because during these meetings you are having personal things discussed in front of other people - it is not your feelings that are paramount - it is, and always will be, the welfare of the children.

Acknowledge that you have made bad choices, and that you are partly to blame for the situation you are in now, acknowledge the impact these choices have had on your children. Work with professionals to undertake protective and behaviour changing work which can be evidenced in meetings.

Turn up to drop off and collect children from school on time, ensure they and you are well turned out, not tired, not "dishevelled", make sure homework is done on time, make sure you communicate positively with school.

Prioritise your children over potential/new relationships.

Sorry if you find this harsh - deep down you know what you need to do.

Jelly, I am accepting the advice but some of the posters have given no advice, nor been helpful, they have just taken the opportunity to kick me when I'm down and berate me for my mistakes, which actually is kind of what the HT does!

Not helpful but I thank those of you that have been :)

Just because it isn't what you want to hear doesn't make it unhelpful.

And I think you do need to see your GP. Not just because SS say you should but because I feel, and please don't take this the wrong way, that you NEED to speak to somebody about your mental health. Referring back to your previous thread when you broke up with your ex, you wanted your GP to prescribe you meds because, in your own words, you just couldn't cope. You reacted similarly to how you have reacted on this thread, ie the whole world hates me. That and that alone tells me that you need help. It isn't a normal way to think ( I say normal for lack of a better word, I'm not saying you are abnormal, my English skills are just shit.) please OP get help, not just for your children but for your self too.