It wasn't a bloody miscarriage.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Well, ok, legally it was. I undestand why but it just feels so so wrong to call it that.

Three weeks ago I was pregnant with our much longed for second baby, expected at Christmas. We were also on a big family holiday, the first we'd had in three years. Both sets of grandparents, us, dsd and dd.

Then half way through the holiday I started bleeding. No big deal, I've bled during every pregnancy, it's almost normal for me. Then the pains started. And they got worse and worse.

A few hours later I was rushed to a&e. After six more hours of labour I gave birth to our son. He had passed away shortly before delivery. After that I had to have an operation to remove my placenta, I had a haemorrhage and my blood pressure dropped to 70/25.

Everyone has been very supportive. The medical staff were fantastic.

But I just can't help it. Every time someone mentions the word miscarriage I want to scream, hit. I don't obviously. That just isn't the right word to describe what happened.

I'm not trying to take away from the pain of an early miscarriage. I've had five, they were awful. But what happened three weeks ago was nothing like those, so much worse.

Trying to hold it together but whenever someone says that word I fall to pieces afterwards all over again.

Sliced, you will never forget Alex - he will always be in your heart, just as your DD is already.

You are not 'replacing' him by trying again, but I can certainly understand your fears about going through another pregnancy. Give yourself time, because it does take time to start coming to terms with it all. I think I felt like I was under a great black cloud (it's the only way of describing it) for about five months after our loss and then it started to lift and, whilst I will never forget my DTs, I could start to put it into perspective and we tried again. We now have two marvellous DSs.

[hugs]

I'm so sorry, Sliced. I can't begin to imagine the horror and pain that you are going through. Ofc you didn't have a mc; you gave birth to a child, only tragically that child was born sleeping. He's still your son and you're still his mother - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Talk about Alex as much as you want, both here and in real life, and let him live in on your thoughts: 'to live in the hearts of those we love is not to die'. Take care, OP, and rest in peace little Alex

How sad, I can sympathise. 37 years later I still get tears thinking about mine. What made it worse at the time was that they called it a mis-abortion. I found that term very hurtful especially as I was in with girls having abortions.

i hear you, and this has happended to alot of people I know sad to say.

There is no real word or phrase, however I completely emphasise that the term massively underplays what you went through.

Miscarriages are brutal, but very different to your experience which was a stillbirth.

I think you are a greiving mother, and anger is the second phase hey?
and who would you NOT be angry when people use a term that seems to minimise things.

agh its really shit OP, I am so sorry and I really emphasise why you feel this way.

If its giving you the rage say something - I just dont know if it will make you feel better or not?

what a shitter OP, my condolances

and hope they sort the "hell hole" womb out so you can proceed with confidence

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks, I'm definitely finding it easier to talk about Alex. Though the grief keeps popping up when I least expect it. Nearly cried because I drove past a lovely pregnant woman today.

Yes I think once I've had this septum removed I will feel better about ttc, well at least I can tell myself I'd have done all I could.

Deste that is a terrible phrase, I'm so sorry you had to hear you loss talked about like that

Pigeonpie I'm so glad you got a happy ending It makes me hopeful for the future.

I don't think I'll say anything. I'm not good at expressing myself when I'm emotional, generally just start crying.

Though mum is babysitting tonight and I'm having my first proper drink for ages, so I'll probably get really really good at expressing emotions in a few hours

I'm really sorry for your loss, I lost a little boy at 20 weeks due to incompetent cervix. It will be 3 years at the end of the month. I still think about him every day but the pain gets easier, the term late mc doesn't bother me anymore although it did in the beginning. X

I'm sorry you lost your little boy HavanaSlife

That's why I'm not saying anything. I'm hoping as time goes on I'll stop feeling angry and just accept that it is just a term, and that it really doesn't matter if people use it, all that matters is how I think of him.

And no, in rl people don't want to talk about it, I found that incredibly hard but I met some lovely people on here who were fantastic and knew exactly how I felt

So so very sorry for the loss of your baby Op.

The medical words are awful aren't they. We lost our ds at almost 18 weeks and even the nursing staff commented how horrible all the medical terms are on the forms etc.

We know they are our beautiful babies and always will be.

Take care

Yes this place has been a tremendous help

I'm glad I posted now.

Only1scoop I'm so sorry for your loss, yes the nurses I had during the night were lovely, they kept referring to Alex as 'your baby' which helped at the time.

I lost my baby boy (coincidentally, also called Alex - it's a beautiful name xx) on 30th May this year, at 21 weeks pregnant. He was, officially, a "missed miscarriage" - I found out at my routine 20 week scan that he had died. I had no idea, we'd gone in excited about finding out the sex, we had DS1 (aged 20 months) with us on the day as we had no childcare, and he had to see me go to pieces as my world just collapsed. I was induced & gave birth to him 5 days later. I so sympathise with what you are going through - it's quite definitely not a miscarriage, in the way that I understood the term - it was the loss of a fully formed little baby, and the grief was huge & all-consuming.

My thoughts are very much with you. We're 3 months on, and the pain is less raw, but ever present. I'm sure it some point it will fade to the point where I can see a newborn baby and feel happy for their mother, but I'm not there yet. I'm desperate to start TTC again, but still waiting for post mortem results. I want to be sure that there wasn't a genetic problem that could happen again.

Be kind to yourself. It's a massive thing that you have lost, not just the pregnancy or Alex as a baby, but all your future hopes and dreams for what life they would have. I found that no one really knew what to say to me, and after a while no one mentioned it anymore. I spend my days trying to be "normal" for DS but the sadness is always present.

PM me if you want to talk anytime. I know it's not the done thing on Mumsnet, but huge hugs to you.

Oh Spaniel I'm so sorry, I can't believe it happens so much! This thread has really opened my eyes!

I'm in the same place as you really. Want to ttc, but can't yet. I want to get as much right as I can next time.

I understand re: the mother and new babies too. As much as it saddens me I cannot look at my friends picture of their new babies on fb or on emails.

And two friends are pregnant at the same stage I was too, I haven't had much contact with them though. I guess they don't know what to say and I don't want to pester them to talk about something which might scare them

I had no idea either. Apparently 1:4 pregnancies end in miscarriage before 12 weeks, which I think most people know. But from 12-24 weeks, it's about 1:100. Which is far higher than I ever knew. I don't know anyone else in real life though.

A friend from my NCT group (from my pregnancy with my older son) had a baby today. I was due 4 weeks after her, and we were excited to be on mat leave together again. I've been in floods of tears over her pics on Facebook. It's so hard.

Have you got good support in real life? How is your DP/DH coping? Hope you're ok x