It wasn't a bloody miscarriage.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Well, ok, legally it was. I undestand why but it just feels so so wrong to call it that.

Three weeks ago I was pregnant with our much longed for second baby, expected at Christmas. We were also on a big family holiday, the first we'd had in three years. Both sets of grandparents, us, dsd and dd.

Then half way through the holiday I started bleeding. No big deal, I've bled during every pregnancy, it's almost normal for me. Then the pains started. And they got worse and worse.

A few hours later I was rushed to a&e. After six more hours of labour I gave birth to our son. He had passed away shortly before delivery. After that I had to have an operation to remove my placenta, I had a haemorrhage and my blood pressure dropped to 70/25.

Everyone has been very supportive. The medical staff were fantastic.

But I just can't help it. Every time someone mentions the word miscarriage I want to scream, hit. I don't obviously. That just isn't the right word to describe what happened.

I'm not trying to take away from the pain of an early miscarriage. I've had five, they were awful. But what happened three weeks ago was nothing like those, so much worse.

Trying to hold it together but whenever someone says that word I fall to pieces afterwards all over again.

Im so sorry. I dont think ot detracts from any individual's pain (which of course will vary person to person) to say that in general, the later this happens the harder itmust be. EEspecially since you dared to hope you werw 'safe'.

Sliced, maybe the person who asked 'so is it strange having a flat tummy now?' was trying to sympathise with the overwhelming sense of emptiness and it came out wrong?
I am so, so sorry you lost your baby.

I think people really struggle to say the right thing about bereavements, If they're well meaning which it sounds like they are I'm sure they'd much rather know if they were doing something that was compounding the loss. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.

So sorry for the loss of your son.

I'm sorry for the loss of your little boy.

I'm so very, very sorry for the loss of your baby boy. :( You must be hurting terribly right now. I would have thought it would be considered a stillbirth at this point in a pregnancy, but whatever the terminology, I think you are justified in wanting to differentiate what it is most certainly a different kind of loss. :(

So sad for you. I quite understand why you would feel this way.

Hope you get all the love and support you need.

I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your son

Did you give him a name you'd like tell us?

I know what you mean about later 'miscarriages' and yes, the word seems to inappropriate and wrong. Would it help to think of it as a pregnancy loss??

A good friend of mine lost her much longed for son at 19 weeks and when she felt able to she named a star after him. I know it gives her comfort.

Be very kind to yourself.

Fuck, I can't believe someone said that. Incredible.

You are right, in this day and age people think saying something, anything, is beneficial. They are wrong of course

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

So terribly sorry that you lost your baby.
www.littlefingers.org.uk
This is a relatively new charity set up by a couple who lost their son.
Be kind to yourself.

I have had many early miscarriages, I would feel exactly as you do. I'm so sorry about the loss of your son.

I feel your pain. Be very kind to yourself.

I lost a baby at 16 weeks and even then I hated the miscarriage term, it did seem to imply I was hardly pregnant.

We received a card from friends abroad who had lost their third baby in the seventh month and they used the term "born sleeping". They also included a small photo and made a beautiful birth announcement card.

I'm so sorry your son died. Nothing you are feeling at the moment could possibly be described as unreasonable. You're in horrible grief for your baby. Some friends of mine lost much-longed-for IVF twins just before whatever the legal/medical cut-off point is when the baby's death turns from a late miscarriage into a stillbirth, and I know they struggled with the 'lesser' terminology because they felt it diminished their bereavement. I think what helped them most was having a funeral for the babies.

I can't imagine what you're going through, Sliced. I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss, and I hope that the people around you start to be more understanding and support you through this. You can call what happened to your son whatever feels best for you- it is an awful and tragic event that is personal to your family, and should be recognised as such.

Take things one day at a time, and look after yourself.

No it wasn't a miscarriage at all but I think many people don't understand and I don't think they know what happened or what you went through so I doubt they are being intentionally shitty.

When you feel a bit stronger you may feel more able to say 'we lost our baby at X weeks' and the majority of people will know that is very different from a miscarriage. But I don't want anyone to think I would disregard their loss at 6 weeks or whatever.

I had a late termination and I'm not saying that anyone else who had a termination had it 'easier' than me but the physical and psychological effects of actually 'birthing' are different to someone who had a much earlier termination.

You DID have a different experience to your earlier miscarriages and different to a lot of women.

Don't feel you can't express that or you can't feel 'different'.

Take care of yourself xx.

I have had a m/c and I completely understand what you are saying.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy and what you and your family are going through. I hope you are getting the support you need

there's nothing I can say, except that you are right in the way you feel.

I'm so sorry you have lost your son, I also have had early miscarriages & have lost a baby late in pregnancy which was termed a late miscarriage with similar complications to you , it crushed me to hear them say I had had a miscarriage after I had given birth to my baby .

I was told by one person " never mind you are young you can try again "

I don't think some people realise how much it hurts .
When I finally was able to talk about how I felt I had a lot of support from my sister & my dp .
My partner was grieving terribly but trying to be strong for me as he could see I was falling apart .
Take care of yourself OP , talk to your DP or a close friends when you are ready as it really does help XXX
(((((((((()))))))))))

You are right to feel this way. Miscarriage does not reflect what happened to you. I had a m/c at 12 weeks and an ERPC and it was awful and I was devastated. Never have I remotely thought this resembled giving birth to your fully formed baby.

I'm so sorry your son didn't live. You didn't deserve that, life is really unfair.

People can say really clumsy things. I'm a trained counsellor and I've said some terrible foot in mouth clangers before. When you lose a baby you have so much anger and no where to put it so it's easy to give it to strangers, they often deserve it! The anger is at the injustice. Babies just shouldn't die.

I hope you start to feel better soon x

Im really sorry you lost your darling little boy.

That really is so shit.

Words are so inadequate

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy.

You have every right to feel the way you do. No words are adequate at times like these, sometimes people just don't know what to say.

Thinking of you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you are getting some support in RL.

I am so, so sorry. Agree the term miscarriage does not reflect what has happened to you

Know we are all here with you

Thank you all again.

Yes I think one reason did use the phrase born sleeping. I liked that one and it's how I think of it.

I've had some real foot in mouth moments so I know that person and others just meant well and it came out wrong.

Still hurts like hell.