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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It wasn't a bloody miscarriage.

138 replies

SlicedAndDiced · 02/09/2014 16:52

Well, ok, legally it was. I undestand why but it just feels so so wrong to call it that.

Three weeks ago I was pregnant with our much longed for second baby, expected at Christmas. We were also on a big family holiday, the first we'd had in three years. Both sets of grandparents, us, dsd and dd.

Then half way through the holiday I started bleeding. No big deal, I've bled during every pregnancy, it's almost normal for me. Then the pains started. And they got worse and worse.

A few hours later I was rushed to a&e. After six more hours of labour I gave birth to our son. He had passed away shortly before delivery. After that I had to have an operation to remove my placenta, I had a haemorrhage and my blood pressure dropped to 70/25.

Everyone has been very supportive. The medical staff were fantastic.

But I just can't help it. Every time someone mentions the word miscarriage I want to scream, hit. I don't obviously. That just isn't the right word to describe what happened.

I'm not trying to take away from the pain of an early miscarriage. I've had five, they were awful. But what happened three weeks ago was nothing like those, so much worse.

Trying to hold it together but whenever someone says that word I fall to pieces afterwards all over again.

OP posts:

charlie0123 · 02/09/2014 20:49

Baby Alex - born sleeping - much love to you all. I am so sorry.

Original poster

SlicedAndDiced · 02/09/2014 20:49

It was the name we picked when we first found out about him

OP posts:

Original poster

SlicedAndDiced · 02/09/2014 20:52

I was in two minds about posting, but really glad I did now.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 02/09/2014 21:03

Alex is a beautiful name - classic, but not contrived.
Thank you for telling us your son's name.

No pregnancy loss is ever easy, but I would never imagine that my early MMCs, upsetting as they were and all 4 requiring ERCOP under GA, were anywhere near as traumatic as having to deliver your sleeping baby . It's not a competition, but I am grateful I was spared that.

I'm glad that this thread can give you a little bit of comfort at a horrible time.

thewomaninwhite · 02/09/2014 21:10

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful son Alex. Another one who has lost a child. It's complex to understand if you have not been there yourself, people still say stupid things now.

Wishing you gentle days and I am glad that you have some comfort from having your son's ashes and his toy with you. These things mean the world when you have so little to hold onto from your child.

One thing that I have found comfort in is a picture of my daughter's name written in the sand by a bereaved mother in Australia. theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.co.uk/

polosarethefoodofgods · 02/09/2014 21:12

i'm so sorry that you lost your son alex, really theres nothing you can say

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 02/09/2014 21:12

I am so sorry that baby Alex was born sleeping x

I can imagine how you were feeling after having got past the stage where you had previously miscarried, then to have this happen, it's totally devastating.

It isn't right to call Alex or what you have been through a miscarriage, it's just not. If it was me I would say he was still born.

Just ask people not to refer to Alex or your 'experience' as a miscarriage because it's important to you. This is going to be a part of you now and it is better to say something now, while people can adjust their language to something a little less hurtful. 'Those that matter wont mind and those that mind don't matter'.

Big hugs
x

Puffinlover · 02/09/2014 21:15

RIP baby Alex and much love to your family. I've also suffered and early miscarriage and it was sad but in no way compares to what has happened to you.

Notagainmun · 02/09/2014 21:19

Think of you and your darling son Alex,so very sorry.

PistolWhipped · 02/09/2014 21:26

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Wolfiefan · 02/09/2014 21:28

I had a mmc at 13 weeks and had an ERPC. I also had a very early mc (before 10 weeks.)
That's a mc.
I'm so sorry Alex died. You gave birth so I'd refer to it as a stillbirth. I don't wish to minimise how other people feel but what happened to me doesn't begin to compare to your loss. I'm so sorry. xxx

Evabeaversprotege · 02/09/2014 21:39

I am sorry slicedanddiced.

Sleep tight little Alex xxxxxxx

SugarplumKate · 02/09/2014 21:43

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, can you tell us his name?

Be kind to youself xxxx

SugarplumKate · 02/09/2014 21:44

I'm sorry, I missed that you had mentioned he was called Alex, what a lovely name. Thinking of you all xxx

morningtoncrescent62 · 02/09/2014 21:45

Nothing to add, but I'm thinking of you and little Alex, and the rest of your family. Things are raw at the moment, so I hope you've got some supportive people around you. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Hold tight, it will get better.

Greyhound · 02/09/2014 21:52

Bless Alex, a little boy who will always be loved and never forgotten.

angeltreats · 02/09/2014 21:52

Rest in peace baby Alex. At 23 weeks you have formed such an attachment with your baby, there's no way the word miscarriage is appropriate to describe the loss. Much love to you and your family.

PicardyThird · 02/09/2014 21:57

I am so very sorry you lost your son.

I have had six first-trimester miscarriages. They were horrible, and I grieved, and I experienced people belittling them and it hurt, a lot. But the experience of giving birth to a baby no longer living, whether before or after 24 weeks or whatever the legal threshold is, seems to me (I have not experienced it) to be something different entirely from what I went through as miscarriages, not a continuum, an entirely different and (I assume) much more harrowing experience. I don't think terminological cut-offs at certain periods of gestation do these awful painful things any justice at all.

I have a friend who lost two babies at around the 20-week mark and she does refer to them as miscarriages; that is her choice, but I don't believe the word should be forced on you or anyone naming their experience for what it was, the delivery and loss of a child.

Again, I am so sorry.

Brummiegirl15 · 02/09/2014 22:09

I've had 2 miscarriages in last 3 months, one at 5 wks and another at 9 wks. I know exactly what you are trying to say.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby son xx

Molio · 02/09/2014 22:35

I feel hugely for you OP and am desperately sorry for your loss. I understand very nearly from my own experience.

I just want to say that there should maybe be no hard and fast rule about terminology as grieving is grieving and each should be allowed to grieve in their own private way, without it being confined, or measured, or sanctioned in some way. There are so many variations and one important variant is those mothers who opt for late termination, for whatever reason. I feel that this quantifying is going to make issues far more difficult for them. I'm lucky that I haven't ever had to face that sort of decision, but I'd like some consideration for those who've been in that position, or face it now.

Castlemilk · 02/09/2014 23:02

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

Sorry you lost your precious son Alex. A son, a brother, a grandson - all of those things, and he always will be. Not with you to fulfil those roles day by day, but there in all your hearts, a most precious and loved member of your family.

I wish you all the best for the future and am so sorry for your loss.

jellybeans · 02/09/2014 23:24

I felt the same after lost my 2 babies 20 and 23 weeks. Having had 2 earlier losses it just didn't seem right to be also labelled a MC, albeit a late one. Many countries use earlier cut offs, mostly 20 weeks. I tend to refer to mine as stillbirths for that reason. I gave birth to fully formed babies either around viability or not far off. Been pregnant months, felt kicking for months etc. Having said that, a loss at any stage is heartbreaking and I suffered a lot after my early losses too.

Sallystyle · 02/09/2014 23:28

I am so sorry :( words are just not enough.

Rest in peace little Alex xxxx

Jaffacakesareyummy · 02/09/2014 23:32

Feel so much for you. Were you able to bring him home? I thought the earlier post about planting a tree was lovely. I'm so sorry for your loss.

McFox · 02/09/2014 23:34

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I'm so very sorry for your loss, you must be devastated x

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