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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It wasn't a bloody miscarriage.

138 replies

SlicedAndDiced · 02/09/2014 16:52

Well, ok, legally it was. I undestand why but it just feels so so wrong to call it that.

Three weeks ago I was pregnant with our much longed for second baby, expected at Christmas. We were also on a big family holiday, the first we'd had in three years. Both sets of grandparents, us, dsd and dd.

Then half way through the holiday I started bleeding. No big deal, I've bled during every pregnancy, it's almost normal for me. Then the pains started. And they got worse and worse.

A few hours later I was rushed to a&e. After six more hours of labour I gave birth to our son. He had passed away shortly before delivery. After that I had to have an operation to remove my placenta, I had a haemorrhage and my blood pressure dropped to 70/25.

Everyone has been very supportive. The medical staff were fantastic.

But I just can't help it. Every time someone mentions the word miscarriage I want to scream, hit. I don't obviously. That just isn't the right word to describe what happened.

I'm not trying to take away from the pain of an early miscarriage. I've had five, they were awful. But what happened three weeks ago was nothing like those, so much worse.

Trying to hold it together but whenever someone says that word I fall to pieces afterwards all over again.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 02/09/2014 18:07
Sad

I'm very sad to hear about everyone else's losses.

It is truly shit isn't it. Agree with a pp. it just shouldn't happen.

OP posts:
HappyAgainOneDay · 02/09/2014 18:08

I'm so sorry that you've had to bear the loss of a baby and reading your posts brought tears to my eyes. Sad

It's no comfort but, years ago, I read that a miscarriage was losing a baby between conception and 3 months pregnant; spontaneous abortion was losing a baby between 3 and 6 months and, after that, it was stillborn. People don't use the term spontaneous abortion any more because listeners / readers will immediately think of it as 'induced'. That shows how old my reading matter was. So, according to that information, it wasn't a miscarriage. If you were expecting your baby to be born at Christmas, he would just about be a stillborn which is how you prefer to think of him. If he were mine, I'd think that way, too.

Flowers Brew more Flowers (((hug)))

Strokethefurrywall · 02/09/2014 18:08

I'm truly so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. The pain must be unbearable.

I hope you are surrounded by love from your family and friends - I'm usually full of words, however at times like this I have nothing to offer but my virtual hugs.

Many are thinking of you and wishing you strength Thanks

SoonToBeSix · 02/09/2014 18:18

Am so sorry for the loss of your baby son. Thanks

Itscurtainsforyou · 02/09/2014 18:33

I am so sorry. I've had two early losses and lost twin boys at 22-23 weeks.

The two experiences were both heartbreaking, but when I lost the twins I wanted to die.

Technically they were all miscarriages but I tell people the twins were stillborn because that just seems more fitting (and if I'd been in America they would've been as over 20 weeks they're classed as stillborn).

Don't let anyone dictate to you how you feel or try to play it down - I could write a book of all the tactless, inappropriate things people said to me. Just take time for yourself and your family to grieve and mark your little boy's passing in your own way.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/09/2014 18:36

Whilst I have never experienced any kind of pregnancy loss or indeed pregnancy, I see exactly what you're saying.

Outside of medical professionals though, if you say you lost your son or experienced a still birth, nobody is going to demand to know how many weeks you were at the time.

I'm very sorry for your loss, hope you and your DH are finding comfort in each other Thanks

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 02/09/2014 18:39

I'm sorry you lost your beautiful boy. Flowers

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 02/09/2014 18:42

Just wanted to say i'm sorry for the loss of your little one. I can only imagine the pain you must be in right now.

A close friend of mine lost her baby girl at 29 weeks, 2 years ago, and i can still hear her cries in my head to this day. I have never heard such pain and grief summed up in one noise before.
She was totally distraught (obviously) and the amount of rubbish people said to her was unreal. She actually cut out a couple of friends because of their dismissive reaction to it.

Your son will always be remembered, and a part of your family and your life, please take time to look after yourself. Spend time with those you love, and deal with your grief in the way you want. xx

Greyhound · 02/09/2014 18:46

I'm so very sorry, that must have been a horrible and tragic experience.

Like you, I've had (four) early miscarriages but none of them were later - that must have been awful, having to give birth to your son and knowing you weren't going to take him home :(

In my experience, people do tend to say the wrong thing. Because the stage of pregnancy where a baby is considered stillborn has changed to an earlier stage than in previous times, people tend to think of miscarriages as being earlier losses. That makes it hurtful when you had to give birth etc to a baby rather than a tiny embryo that you may not even see :(

GrouchyKiwi · 02/09/2014 18:48

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

BumpAndGrind · 02/09/2014 18:58

So Sorry for your loss. Flowers Have you given him a name?

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 02/09/2014 19:29

Thank you everyone. All your replies are making me well up ( in a good way)

Yes, we have called him Alex.

OP posts:
tobeabat · 02/09/2014 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRoom · 02/09/2014 19:43

I am so sorry to read about your experience. It doesn't matter what name other people use to describe your loss: you know that it was a very different kind of loss for you.

We all experience our losses differently, regardless of the number of weeks or months of the baby, and therefore any woman who has lost a baby should be treated with the upmost sensitivity because no-one else can know exactly what she has gone through, even if they have experienced something similar. I found it particularly awful to read what someone said to you about your abdomen.

The only thing I did want to add, mainly for anyone who has not experienced miscarriage, is that not all early miscarriages are 'physically just like a heavy period', which you described as experiencing. I don't feel able to go into details, but I had a horrific early miscarriage that was about as far from a period as you can get. I was in and out of hospital for a year as a direct result of that single miscarriage. It can feel terribly unfair that some women miscarry at around the same number of weeks as me, cope very well and then can try for a baby the next month.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/09/2014 19:46

So sorry to hear of your loss. Alex is a lovely name for your little boy.

I have a friend whose son was born at 23 weeks. He lived for 9 hours and she did hear him make a tiny cry. Officially he counts as a miscarriage and that word is written on her medical notes. She has a death certificate but no birth certificate. Sad

Sleep tight Baby Alex.

tippytappywriter · 02/09/2014 19:46

So sorry Alex died because he was born too soon. Take care of yourself and your family.

furcoatbigknickers · 02/09/2014 19:58

Alex is a lovely name. Precious boy sleep well.

Dwerf · 02/09/2014 20:07

So sorry for the loss of your son.

I tend to think anything over viability should be counted as a stillbirth, and the words 'spontaneous abortion' always sound so cruel.

Thinking of you and Alex Flowers

Petradreaming · 02/09/2014 20:37

No, it wasn't a miscarriage. I am so sorry for the loss of your boy. x

pieceoftoast · 02/09/2014 20:38

I'm so sorry you lost baby Alex. (Beautiful name.)

I've had mcs at 8 and 12 weeks. I'm 17 weeks now and very definitely showing and feeling a baby and I think I'd fall apart if I lost it now. It wouldn't be a miscarriage, it's absolutely the wrong word for what happened to Alex.

RIP tiny baby boy.

I am so sorry x

Petradreaming · 02/09/2014 20:38

That is so sad. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. x

PunkrockerGirl · 02/09/2014 20:38

So sorry OP Thanks

I had an early miscarriage years ago. It was awful, but not in the same league as your loss.

RIP baby Alex

Ohbollocksandballs · 02/09/2014 20:43

I am so, so sorry. RIP baby Alex Thanks xx

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2014 20:44

There aren't words. So sorry baby Alex was born sleeping. Flowers

MehsMum · 02/09/2014 20:48

It's good that you gave him a name.

I miscarried years ago, fairly early (10 weeks) and even at the time I thought, this is bad but it must be so much worse to lose a baby later, when it's really begun to be a person to you. You are mourning for a child: it's no wonder you feel so upset.

Thanks