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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how it is affordable to be a SAHM?

502 replies

Moobieboobie · 01/09/2014 21:03

This is not a WOHM vs SAHM debate but am genuinely curious ....... I am on mat leave with DC2 and keep being asked if I am returning to work. I would love to stay at home this time round but sadly this is not a possibility as both myself and DH earn roughly the same thus my salary is 50% of the household costs. We would not receive any benefits etc as we would still be above the threshold even without my salary. If there is someway around this please let me know as I will try anything!!

OP posts:
MollyBdenum · 09/09/2014 20:41

Regarding the assortative mating, I know a lot of very well educated people in very badly paid jobs. Among my university peers, the ones who are paid well tended to go into computer tech/programming jobs, teaching or academia, but there are a lots of people who are doing quirkier jobs (composting experts, pub landlords, tea shop managers, bike mechanics, tree surgeons etc). My assortative group seem to be the ones with postgrad degrees and minimum wage incomes.

SnowBells · 09/09/2014 20:55

Molly - I think it's not just about people choosing 'mates' depending on education. It's also having similar goals and outlook in life. Personally, I think that is very important for relationships to work. Otherwise, frustration sets in once the rose-tinted glasses are gone. Amongst my friends, you could definitely see conscious decisions being made of who to date/marry based on the above. I can't see any of my friends going for the guy that offers a "bohemian" life - unless they already have money themselves… often by virtue of inheritance.

It's all very "New York" in a way (like Sex and the City), but it's happening this side of the pond, too.

Greengrow · 09/09/2014 21:04

Previously clever and better off middleclass men married women who were pretty, big breasts etc. If she had a career that was a downside. Now people are marrying within the same group much more the studies show. Actually my parents met at/through university and so did I. My daughter and her husband recently married both earn quite a lot - again the same trend. Also people do consciously choose a woman who will want always to work and earn a lot or who will stay at home. It can be part of the decision as to whether someone is right for you as a man.

treaclesoda · 09/09/2014 21:23

I think the points raised about marrying someone with similar outlook and ambition is true. Unfortunately for my DH though, he married a woman who was very driven, very enthusiastic and always intended to have a career, to earn a good salary and frankly I was the much more ambitious of the two of us. But life didn't work like that and he ended up earning considerably more than me, a situation that frankly never crossed our minds when we married. In my worst nightmares I didn't ever think that I would earn as little money for working such long hours. So when we had our second child the only logical thing to do was for me to stop working, as we couldn't afford childcare. And that's that. It's not the life I would have chosen, and I doubt it's what he expected either, but we're in it together and it's the reality of our life.

MarthasVineyard · 09/09/2014 22:15

This thread has got so bizarre. Mumsnet really does bear little reflection to real life on threads like these.

inconceivableme · 09/09/2014 23:32

Artandco - yes London is expensive but the £25k a year on rent alone for a 2 bed flat / house must put you in a nicer-than-average area on my reasonable knowledge of London. Moving to a cheaper area would be one way to cut costs to enable someone to be a SAHM, assuming pre-school age kids, comparable commute etc.

SnowBells · 10/09/2014 01:20

Can someone please tell me though…

… this urge to want to be a SAHM - is it because you want to be one for your own (may I say 'selfish') reasons OR because you think it would be good for your DCs?

I mean, for completely selfish reasons, I'd like DH to earn millions per year and for me to be a SAHM. But I can't see the advantage of being a SAHM for the DCs… as I said, my mum was a SAHM. Can't see what difference it made compared to my friends whose mothers' worked.

SnowBells · 10/09/2014 01:24

… so my unselfish self would decide to work and go through the daily grind so that my DH is less stressed and DCs have more opportunities in life.

To be honest, I'd be apalled if I one day had a daughter in law who just decided to not work… I hope that will never happen.

bronya · 10/09/2014 06:34

I did it partly for financial reasons but mostly because DS was very unsettled going to childcare each day. We tried cutting down the hours I worked but it wasn't enough for him. He's such a happy, content little boy now, and despite the very best of home-based care, he was stressed and clingy before. But then I have a very sensitive child - he has really struggled with DH going back to work after our week's holiday!!

JoandMax · 10/09/2014 06:41

I did it purely as we really did feel it would be better for the DCs to have me at home, 6 years since and we 100% believe that was the right choice.

We looked at short and long term financial implications, loss of career for me - on balance we chose what we truly felt would ultimately make us all happier. And so far it has

antarctic · 10/09/2014 06:54

I did it for both reasons - because I wanted to, and because I felt it would be better for the DC. I believe that a secure parental attachment is better than paid childcare for young children.

Now my youngest has started school I'm back at work... So it's not like I decided never to work again! But I'll always be happy that my DC and I had the chance to share those early years.

treaclesoda · 10/09/2014 07:06

my elder child has severe anxiety issues (currently receiving treatment) and without doubt she has benefited from me being at home. She is much less stressed when I am able to be at home when she gets out of school. My younger one would probably be just fine in a childcare setting though.

It's interesting that another poster mentioned working in order to provide opportunities for their kids. I recently applied for a particular job that I desperately wanted (as I've said on this thread it's not by choice that I'm sahm) and one of my big dilemmas was that had I been offered it, my DD would have had to give up her music lessons, sports lessons etc because if she had to go to childcare after school there would have been no way of her actually attending them. So we'd perhaps have had a higher income but she would have seen her quality of life somewhat reduced.

soapboxqueen · 10/09/2014 07:10

I decided to be a sahm because my ds has additional needs and trying to do everything 3rd hand because I couldn't speak to people in person when at school etc was just too hard. Exacerbated by a difficult time at work due to a change in leadership a few times meant I couldn't be a mum properly or do my job properly.

I worry about my pension and career long term but the situation was untenable.

My dh is much less stressed than he was because he doesn't have to worry about all the little things at home, he can unload his worries because I don't have any work stresses anymore and he doesn't worry about leaving me with the children as he has to travel. Being alone with my ds can be very challenging and was hellish when I also had to work.

Badvoc123 · 10/09/2014 07:10

Bronya. I had one of those too...he is now 11 and it takes him all his time to talk to me! :)

Greengrow · 10/09/2014 09:37

Do you think that children of full time working mothers though are more robust, stronger, emotionally healthier and that the clingyness of some children of stay at home mothers is there because of a rather unnatural 24/7 with mother relationship (most cultures instead have grannies, siblings, hired people, friends doing a lot of childcare).

Beastofburden · 10/09/2014 10:03

Well, not in my case, greengrow. I have two disabled DC and I work FT. I think it's unlikely to be true. All the evidence suggests that children do best with a familiar carer up to the age f two..after that, there is some benefit from nursery if your family has low social and educational capital. There's no evidence that having a SAHM makes you clingy. The is sme evidence that very absent parents create problems in their DC, so if anything it is likely t be the other way round.

But personally I doubt there's any correlation either way.

soapboxqueen · 10/09/2014 10:10

Spending your whole infant life with your mum is not unnatural.

I don't think anything can be drawn about a child based on their parents working habits. Some children are clingy, some are not. Children in good, caring, enriching environments whether that be at home or in childcare are better off than children in less supportive placements.

Each family has to do what works best for them.

Fairylea · 10/09/2014 10:16

In my own experience dd was the clingiest child - literally clinging to my leg like a limpet at every opportunity and crept in my bed until about 7! I went back to work when she was 4 months old.

Ds on the other hand couldn't give a gnats fart whether I am there or not. He just waves me off happily and sometimes doesn't even acknowledge I've come back if I go anywhere. He's 2 and a half and I've been a sahm with him all that time with few groups etc as I don't like them.

I think ds can't wait to get rid of me!

morethanpotatoprints · 10/09/2014 10:26

Snowbells

I can only speak for myself, but my over whelming urge to be a sahm was that I thought it was my job, I'm their mum and nobody can look after them and teach them better during pre school years than I.
I believe that as their mother I knew what was best for them and I just so wanted to do it.
So maybe a little bit of mother knows best and a bit of selfish because I want to.
I also think that for me there was something biological too, but its hard to explain.

OscarWinningActress · 10/09/2014 11:55

My reasons for SAH are complex too. I felt strongly about being at home with them while they were little and always thought I'd go back to work when they got to school but now we're there (they're 12,9 and 7) and I think I'd honestly have a harder time leaving them now than if they were tiny babies. They are so much fun now and we do so much chatting and joking in the afternoons (they finish school at 2:30) and evenings and I can take them to all their activities, they can have friends over etc. I'd miss all of that if I didn't get home until gone 6. I'm not saying that working parents can't have that but the logistics of time make it more difficult.

On the selfish side, I genuinely enjoy doing domestic stuff. I like baking and looking after the house and doing all the admin etc. I also have time for my dog and my horse during the day and volunteering at the school. Those are things that make me feel fulfilled and I achieve 'flow' doing that...it doesn't have to come from a career. However, I acknowledge that none of these things would feel right or work for our family if a) DH didn't earn a great salary, b) he didn't support me staying at home or c) didn't enjoy his work and thrive on it.

It's SO different for everyone. Depends on factors like personalities, your upbringing, your financial situation, your values, your desired lifestyle etc.

SnowBells · 10/09/2014 13:31

treaclesoda

For us, working means that private school is a possibility where all the facilities are on-site, where DCs can do sports I would never have thought of myself and music lessons, too. And there's no time wasted sitting in traffic which would only make me more grumpy. Angry

Me not working and doing the chauffeuring instead would be more expensive financially than paying the fees. There's the loss of salary and having to run two cars...

SnowBells · 10/09/2014 13:39

Plus... while DH is a doting husband, he isn't one who has a natural knack for spoiling his wife, as he grew up with a dad who only ever thinks about "function" (FiL really does not get women)... although DH is learning.

To have the nice things I like I need my own income!

morethanpotatoprints · 10/09/2014 13:43

I can't say that any of ours have been clingy, they just get on with whatever they are doing.
I'm not sure if there is a correlation between clingy children and sahp or wohp. I think it depends on their personality and your parenting style.

Snowbells

With me being a sahp private school will be a possibility whereas if I worked it wouldn't, and music lessons for dd doesn't necessitate another car or time travelling as she walks to two of them and the other teacher comes to us. I suppose this means that for either sahp or wohp the resulting opportunities can be the same.

treaclesoda · 10/09/2014 13:55

snow just wanted to clarify that I wasn't suggesting that you working was diminishing your dc quality of life. I read was only referring to my own situation.

There are no private schools where I live so thankfully that's one dilemma out if the equation!

morethanpotatoprints · 10/09/2014 14:03

treaclesoda

Ditto, we can all only refer to our own situation and what works well.
I think this how many threads like this turn into a bun fight.
Because some people think you are implying that your way is the ideal way to do things.
It's much better like this as we all tend to learn somethink Grin

I am going shopping with dd now to teach her some weights and measures at our friendly green grocer