To wonder how it is affordable to be a SAHM?

[Moobieboobie]

This is not a WOHM vs SAHM debate but am genuinely curious ....... I am on mat leave with DC2 and keep being asked if I am returning to work. I would love to stay at home this time round but sadly this is not a possibility as both myself and DH earn roughly the same thus my salary is 50% of the household costs. We would not receive any benefits etc as we would still be above the threshold even without my salary. If there is someway around this please let me know as I will try anything!!

It's bloody tough if you both earn the same. Losing half of your income has much more impact regardless of where you live or what your spending is like unless you earn pretty big bucks.

I earned slightly more than DH before having DS. We could have just afforded for him to be SAHP but I really didn't want to go back full time, selfishly. So we both work, me PT and DH doing a condensed week in 4 days. DS goes to childminder 2 days a week. Me working means we're about £800 a month better off, and that makes a HUGE difference to our quality of life and worry levels tbh. I also quite like my job which helps - I just wish the days were shorter.

We don't have a mortgage and also DH earns a fair old whack.

I wish I was still working though. I hate not having my own money.

We live up north where we have a lovely house for less than £500 a month rent.

We had children so young that we had no time to get into debt.

DP has earnt between £0 and £22,000 per annum in the time we've been together so tax credits and housing benefit top ups etc have helped.

I love car boot sales and free activities with the kids.

I went straight from uni to being a SAHM so never had that "drop" in income that many have to face.

So why don't you notacs?

You imply you could easily afford childcare so why don't you go to work if that's what you really want to do?

(unless you couldn't afford the childcare and misinterpreted your post )

Because a lot of childcare is extortion in this country

Because dd is very, very young - not quite 5 months yet, and so it would cause no end of arguments with DH.

Besides, I was a teacher in my previous life and I'm not completely sure it's right for me, or I for it I suppose. I have signed up with a supply agency but I'm not sure at all and I don't think in fact it is right for any of us at this time.

I feel lonely a lot of the time, but I don't think that's 'just' being a SAHM, it's other stuff too.

I sympathise notacs - my DS is just over 5 months and the intention was for me to have 12 months off work. However, over the last month I've been feeling a bit isolated, like I'm just a mom and I don't like it. As a result I have arranged with my boss to go back 3 months earlier than planned because I need to feel like me again, to feel like I have a purpose aside from looking after the baby. I need to be surrounded by adults and normal conversation and I'm hoping all these factors will help the loneliness subside.

I'm sorry you feel like that Writer-I've seen a few of your other threads and hope that going back to work helps.

Most debates on mn over the past few years about parents staying at home to care for children, have been shot through with a simmering resentment and dislike of the concept of any adult existing without drawing a wage.

It's depressing :-(

not really minifingers, its interesting to hear others views, even if they are the polar opposite of your own

some posters wouldnt have given up work even if they won the lottery and others will give up almost everything to be at home with their child

I think the key here is to be honest and accept your situation as yours alone, and if you feel lonely at home/hate work/love work/miss work its fine to say so here as you'll always find someone who agrees with you (and vehemently disagrees

Ronold, I will keep saying it didn't make sense for me to go back to work as it is true thank you very much.

It didnt make sense for us to have all my wages go on cc plus 400 a month of dps wages as well, its nearly half our disposable income a month, and we like having it!

I'm agree with minifingers point.

I don't mind people preferring to work outside the home, I don't mind people disagreeing with my choice to stay at home. I don't even care if they think it's a bad choice - why would I? It's my life, not theirs. But what does piss me off is the idea that since I'm not out at work paying income tax, I'm some sort of idle waste of space.

"not really minifingers, its interesting to hear others views, even if they are the polar opposite of your own"

Pointing out that there has been an increase in people objecting to parents not being in paid employment is NOT objecting to anyone expressing a view which is contrary to my own on this issue.

The Tory government has led a campaign to glorify being in paid employment, and to vilify those who don't work, at the same time as creating economic conditions which make it impossible for many ordinary families to live on a single income, and removing child benefit from families whose household income is often lower than that of two parents in employment.

I think you see a reflection of it on these boards.

"But what does piss me off is the idea that since I'm not out at work paying income tax, I'm some sort of idle waste of space".

I've been shocked by the contempt for non-working parents on the Relationships board.

Would like to point out that for some of us supporting our families and being the bedrock that it stands on our actions are putting more into the country's coffers.

My being a sahp enabled my dp to pay more tax than the 2 of us would on the equal combined salary.We are also not costing the country anything in childcare subsidies and we've lost CB.

When I return to work I will pay no tax on my part time job and will cost the country money in help with childcare if I get a job sooner rather than later.My dp may well have to consider getting a lesser paid role too which equals less tax.

Ime the posters who like to pile on any sahp thread in order to run down and belittle the choices of sahp are often wp questioning and not happy with their choices or those feeling envy at not being to have some time as a sahp. There can be no other reason for it.Our sahp choices have zero impact and diddly squat to do with anybody in RL or on here.

I think (unfortunately) that kind of view also extends to non working people who may have disabilities or long term chronic health conditions - it's definitely been worse since this government came in.

My friend has severe health conditions and broke up with a long term partner a few years ago mainly because he couldn't accept that she couldn't work anymore and therefore in his eyes ceased to exist as a person really. It was ridiculous.

Your job doesn't define you as a person, it is just something you do. The same way that even though I am a sahm my role at home doesn't define who I am either.

And yes the attitudes as Mini mentions (which are getting worse)are shocking.Really belittling.If the same attitudes were towards women as a whole there would be uproar. Sahp are expected to take it.

That said any sahp posters on here who feel the need to report posts do.I have in the past and they do take sahp bashing seriously.

Seagulls I posted earlier on this thread but really want to stress that any 'questioning' I did towards being a SAHM is not about bitterness or questioning my choices at all. My concern (and the reason I still work) is how economically vulnerable SAHMs are when/if they don't have an income and when they are out of work for a long time and find it hard to get back in. Read Leslie Bennett's The feminine Mistake. A bit of a US slant but a lot of scary examples in there. The mums who say 'I'm not going to worry about tmrw' could be really messing up their future. I certainly would always encourage my two DDs to try to have economic independence otherwise they are very vulnerable. That is a fact.

But I also think we are living in a wierd age when people have a very libertarian view about their choices - they bang on about making choices that are right for them and no one else - and fair play. But at the same time they want a socialist govt that will support them and pick up the pieces if the choices they made that were right for them go wrong. It's odd but it's the spirit of the day so I don't think many people question it.

A friend I work with earns £9000 p/a, has a SAH partner, 4 DCs, nice house, car, holidays. Easily doable for them. This is in London. So if you really want it, you can do it.

There are plenty of people in London earning minimum wage with DCs and SAHP. How do you think they do it?

I think there would be a fair few scary examples of the impact re 2 wp if you looked.

Society should be supporting both choices.Preparing parents for a career break and a subsequent return to work alongside supporting those with 2x wp if it is best for their family and individual needs.

For many families and children having a sahp is the best option,families should be helped more to have one if they wish.Pretending that the benefits aren't there for many is akin to society stinking it's fingers in it's ears and going la,la,la.

See, to me (working parent) it seems that the working parents get the most flack on MN for abandoning their children to the care of other people, especially if god forbid we use a nursery and even more so if we don't actually need the money. There are a lot of posters who make it clear they think their parenting is superior because they choose to SAH. Suppose it depends which side of the fence you are sitting on.

Because since moving in together we've based everything on his income alone and budgeted accordingly - have always known we'd want children at some point.

I've been on this site about ten years and I've seen both sides, over and over again, saying how their way is the best way, we'll probably be seeing it here for years to come

much as I hate the tories with a passion, I think this argument was going on before they came to power

its more to do with women being nasty and bitchy to others who aren't doing what they're doing and dare I say it, getting some satisfaction for their guilty feelings (whether they work or not) in belittling others

in other words, just human nature at play

In my view it's not about having a shallow commercial take on people's worth, or thinking that they only have value if it's a value that can be monetized. At all.

It's about being independent, and having the option to walk away (at least more easily) if I decide that's what I need. It's not about the wage itself, or what it contributes to society, it's about the freedom the wage gives me. And also about the fact I enjoy having a professional identity distinct from my identity as a mother.

Now I accept that not everyone feels that these concerns are important or pressing enough to give up on being a sahp. That's fine. But it's not fair to portray them as a shallow worldview that only sees people's value in the wage they bring. That's not what it's about. Not for me, anyway.

A friend I work with earns £9000 p/a, has a SAH partner, 4 DCs, nice house, car, holidays. Easily doable for them. This is in London

Seriously how?

Their housing costs must be minimal.